Married to the church - being a vicar/pastor/minister's spouse.

[KatyCustard]

I was just wondering if there are any other Mumsnetters out there who are married to a vicar/pastor (like me). I think that living in a vicarage/manse is a unique experience. It has lots of advantages but there are also many challenges that unless you've actually experienced you never really understand.

If there are any of you out there I thought maybe we could support each other?

(Unless of course there is a similar thread already, in which case maybe someone could point me in the right direction! )

Hi KatyCustard. I am married to a pastor, totally understand what you are saying about the advantages and challenges it brings.

Today's advantage:a lovely, lovely lady from church dropping over a cake for no reason other than loveliness.

Today's challenge: shower has broken again and I don't have the heart to tell them, because they spent a small fortune trying to fix it in November!

Hello FFCATK , love the name! We have lived in our vicarage for seven years, and the shower in our bathroom was awful - it kept breaking and when it did work it was like standing under a dripping tap. Fortunately before I had our second baby in Nov I was able to persuade the diocese that we really needed something doing about the bathroom in general after I couldn't turn the hot tap off one morning. It was the original 1960s bathroom so I didn't feel too guilty about it!

What denomination is your husband? Mine is a C of E vicar, and although my background is more C of E I'm more comfortable at our baptist church!

We had a thread a couple of years ago, but I think it sort of drifted off. There are certainly a few clergy spice on here.

I'm an ex one - wife of an ex-clergyman, rather than ex-wife. And I can certainly sympathise with the challenges - we found housing issues to be a total pain in the arse, along with all kinds of unreasonable expectations about my time and DHs time.

I hear what you're saying about unreasonable expectations on your time.

Once had someone come round on DH's one day a week off (well advertised in church magazine), when we didn't answer the front door, he let himself in the side gate came round the back, and was standing knocking on the kitchen window. Thankfully we were just sitting having a cup of tea and nothing more raunchy.
When DH went to the back door to speak to him , he said 'Well, I tried your phone and nobody answered, but I saw the car in the driveway and I knew it was your day off so you wouldn't be busy...' It was nothing remotely urgent.

Sigh.

Am not a clergy spouse, but I do work for the church. Maybe I should send DH over here. (Or maybe he'd run a mile LOL!)

His recent frustrations include leaping out of bed to answer the phone before 8am on a Saturday morning, assuming it was some sort of family emergency.

Nope, it was a church member ringing with the urgent news that some other church member had lost her Bible and wondering whether I knew where it was . On the whole, it is probably just as well that DH didn't actually make it to the phone in time - message went on answerphone where we were free to curse freely at it in a most unchristian and unforgiving manner.

I think what got to me most was the clear underlying attitude that we were not really people at all, and that we didn't rate the normal assumptions about what people might consider to be acceptable. Of course when it's important, or people are upset, you think nothing of answering the phone in the early hours, or getting involved when it was meant to be your day off. But the idea that their merest whim or passing thought is more important than your day off, or a lie in at the weekend, or anything like family life, is a dead giveaway that you don't count as people in their overall view of the world.

I suppose if you can find that flattering, maybe it doesn't rankle so much? But personally, I could never take it as a compliment, either for DH or for myself.

Hello! We did indeed have a fairly long running thread for a while, would be good to start a new one.

I'm married to a pioneer minister in C of E. He recently finished his curacy and we got called to this post. It's totally different and in a way I'm sort of missing the 'typical vicarage' type life, especially the isolation of this post is hard at the moment, but planting churches is never easy!! There are many things that remain the same though, people's perceptions of you as clergy spice are often similar, and expectations on who you are and what you should be doing.

I was also brought up in a vicarage so have seen it from a clergy DC side too. Wouldn't have had it any other way though

Will be good to talk. We also have a chat thread running about church in general and various other stuff so you're welcome to join us there too.

Hello madhairday! I like the sound of what you and your husband are involved in, sounds really interesting.

I haven't had much of a hard time about not being a typical clergy wife. I work full time in a project which is funded by the church denomination we are part of. On the odd occasion people have expressed the expectation that I will help with lots of things going on in DH's church (I do help with some stuff when I have time); have learnt to side step that one by saying that if they would be happy for DH to volunteer 10 hours a week of his time to work in my project, I'll gladly offer the same to volunteer with his...

Actually older people, and older women in general have been very supportive and protective of me and the children. We have a core group of 3 or 4 women in the church who moved here from the Carribean in the 1950s and 60s, they all worked as nurses and so know what it is like to be away from family, working hard and bringing up children. They often phone up to say they have cooked us a meal or a cake and have been really kind to me in lots of ways, and a total inspiration in terms of their faith and how they live it out every day.
Church is in an inner city area so never a dull moment (Think 'Rev.' It's pretty much like that.) and I think that even if DH wasn't at this church, I'd still choose to go here.

Me! Although we're not living in a vicarage yet as my husband hasn't finished his curacy yet. So we don't get all the random callers a vicarage gets. The phone is ringing like crazy at the moment, though, as the vicar's just left, so everything is being redirected to us.

I'm not a clergy spouse but a clergy daughter. I grew up in various vicarages and we ended up living with my parents for 6 months last year.

My mum is also to be ordained in June :)

Ah, the clergy wives thread! It seemed to drift off ...

I'm a vicar's daughter and a (non-Anglican) minister's wife. In fact, my sibling is also in the business, so there are three lots of clergy married to teachers.

I always knew DH would end up in full-time Christian ministry, and I still think it is a great way to work as a partnership for a common goal you are both completely committed too.

I could rant for ages about housing, work-life balance and stroppy Church members, but actually I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

I'm a vicar's daughter too! And I do agree LadyPeter I can't imagine anyother life really. There is definately more to be glad about than not. Doesn't stop me moaning on a bad day though! I really like your name - I love Dorothy L Sayers.

My DH finds out today how he got on at his BAP and therefore whether he starts Anglican training from September - eek! Based on this, I might just be looking to join a thread such as this MPD

misspollysdolly that's very exciting, let us know how he gets on!

Sadly he was not recommended and today we all feel pretty

Sorry to hear that misspolly. My dh didn't get through his first BAP - sometimes it's a timing issue, and looking back it was absolutely the right thing, even if only in the curacy we ended up in, it was so utterly right and God-ordained - he knew what he was doing and the timings for it all. I know well that feeling of let down-ness and sadness about it all though - give yourself time to mourn a little.

Kyte - of course you're allowed we're not elitist spice here Exciting that you're looking for a post - what sort of place are you interested in?

Day off - this one isn't so much an issue for us atm as we are in a pioneer post so not a vicarage, but having grown up in a vicarage I can tell you what my parents did. Got out as much as possible, and didn't answer the door or phone (had a private family line so if someone needed us would call that) - they were very protective of our day off, and that was partly due to living bang next door to the church on a very run down estate with a constant stream of callers to our door - so we needed a day off. The approachable yet safe thing was a biggie for us because we would get threatening people at the door, memorable ones being a man with a knife and a man throwing a brick through the window when only us kids were home. It was an interesting time - we saw God's protection in so many ways.

Our door was open and we were a welcoming household but my parents were also sensible and aware of issues around us so made as sure as they could that we were safe. In the end though it was their reliance on God I believe that made all the difference. I look back and shudder at some situations and see that God's hand was upon us in so many ways.

We're rather fierce about our day off, too. It's hard to get away on it if you have school aged children, though. We've done some day trips recently with just the two year old (he doesn't go to preschool on a Tuesday), but have to bomb home to pick others up in time. Am toying with the idea of begging politely asking for a flexi-schooling arrangement once we move (hopefully some time this summer). I'm a teacher, dh was a teacher, and homeschooling doesn't really worry me, I'm just vehemently pro-state. But if they were not at school on his day off, then we would really get some proper family time every week...

We have an answermachine and never pick up on a Tuesday. Dh changes the message so it tells them he's not available, gives them an alternative number, and ends with 'please note this answerphone does not take messages'. It does. He's lying , but it doesn't half work!

Haven't really had the vicarage thing yet, as still in a curacy. We're moving into the rectory in a few weeks though as a temporary measure (our house has been sold, and the church is in an interregnum so has a vacant rectory), so I think we'll really notice the difference.

Do any of you keep a stash of instant noodle packets etc. so when someone ding dongs with a sob story you can at least give them something? I know clergy who do this.

Sorry to hear that MissPollyDolly.

I'm sorry to hear that too MissPolly'sDolly, when you feel called to something only to be turned down it can be gut wrenching. I agree with the others in that you need to allow yoursleves time to grieve. It may not seem helpful at the moment but there will be a plan for you and your husband, one day you will be able to look back and see this as part of that plan.

Days off... my husband's is a Friday and we don't answer the phone (and we have been known to ignore the doorbell). We do often go out in to town and then pick up DD1 from school and go swimming. I get very frustrated with people who think that DHs "busy day" is a Sunday!

Safety in the vicarage... this has been very much on my mind recently as my best friend's vicar was recently murdered (you may have seen on the news). I and my little girls happened to be staying with her at half term when it happened and although I had not met him it really upset me. I regularly answer the door to complete strangers and usher them in to the study, quite often I am on my own in the house with the baby as DH may still be on his way back from somwhere so I just let them in and make them a cup of tea. I have had to keep reminding myself how many vicarages there are up and down the country and how rarely things like that happen. When we do get people asking for money I always give food and then direct them to the Sally Army centre down the road. Keeping food in for that purpose is a good idea. About a year ago we had a couple who turned up in church one Sunday who were homeless and so they had Sunday lunch with us while we contacted our local refuge. They kept coming back and very soon started asking for money but we would only ever feed them, because it was obvious there were drugs on the scene. At night I always put the chain on and check they have an appointment if I am on my own.) I like people to feel we are there for them, but the congregation are aware we have two young daughters and don't tend to disturb at bed time.

I did get very stroppy when I was pregnant and some guy turned up with a van load of stuff he had got from a house clearance to sell at the Christmas Fayre (think Colin from Rev). He was very put out that I would not let him dump it all in our garage because we were using ot to put stuff in while we turned our the spare room for the baby. I think I may have been more annoyed than normal because I was pregnant!

Another vicar here. In a deeply rural area - more Dibley than Rev. I suppose - and can't imagine doing anything else! My children were grown up by the time I was ordained, so not such an impact on their lives, if fact they have always been very supportive. I've also had the joy of conducting the marriage of two of them and taking part in the marriage of a third.

Days off are a challenge - the advice to go out is good but I sometimes long to spend some extended leisure time at home. For me it isn't just the phone and door bell; it is also the fact that I work from home and there is always the tepmtation to do 'just a couple of little things' in the study and then find that somehow the morning has gone!

Oh yes, I know that one. My DH is terrible for "just checking my emails" or "just listening to the answer phone"... really bugs me that he walks through the front door and goes straight to his study and then emerges about 15 minutes later to say hello to us!

Vicarlady that must have been lovely to be part of you children's weddings. I would not let my dad marry me and DH, and he was happy to be dad on the day, but we had no shortage of vicars to ask to take part!

Hi there, I was on the thread a few years back - my dh was having a horrid time at that stage. Fortunately it got better - to the point where we have been here (Anglican parish) for 9 years and despite when we arrived saying we would stay 7-10 years, cannot see ourselves leaving just yet. It might help that we came back form his sabbatical (3 months in S Africa) 2 days ago so we are feeling fresh and sunny about life here!!!

hello alittlebitshy 3 months in SA! Sounds fabulous! Do you have a family connection?

SILLY RANT ALERT

Sorry, but have to get this off my chest.

Every week I have a battle to get a notice sheet (which also has that Sunday's collect on it) from the man who gives out the books. I don't know why but it drives me wild. I mean really, really, unreasonably cross. So this week, when he (yet again) gave me a hymn book, and service book, but very deliberately not a notice sheet I said very pointedly "Can't I have a notice sheet?" to which the reply was "But surely you don't need one?" Grrrr. Actually, yes. I do need one. Contrary to your belief I don't sit adoringly next to my husband when he types the notices. I don't learn the collect off by heart. I need the dates just like everyone else does. So please give me a notice sheet. And while we're at it do NOT call me Mrs. Vicar, or I will call you Mr. Slimey - No - Sense - Of- Personal- Space. So there.

Sorry.