People took advantage of us at daughters party

[rhocfan1]

I'm New here. Don't know where to start but need to vent. We Had our child's birthday party recently. A family member asked if she could bring an extra child, said the child would be leaving early and wouldn't be eating as I explained the table had been set up for the correct amount of kids...came to food time and my other half's family member came over and asked where this child should sit. (She asked quite rudely)..I was already feeling stressed (have anxiety, parent to my first and only child and this was my first big party I'd planned) so I said "well (said child) should have been leaving early, that's what I was told. There probably isn't room at the table but if you find a space that's fine"..I did snap, I hold my hands up to that but her reply upset me "what are you stressed for?" With a smile..this person knows my history with anxiety and other mental health issues..I apologised later but then we found out this person had just taken a party bag without asking which could have potentially left us short on bags. Another family member bought a child that wasn't invited without even asking. We aren't petty, we don't mind an extra child coming to the party IF we've been asked but this particular child had been bought to the party I feel to prove a point as an invite hadn't been sent.

I'm glad our child enjoyed the party, it went smoothly apart from these things that popped up but I do feel we were taken advantage of. We are kind, caring people. We spent a lot of money on the party ( we aren't particularly well off) and it's left me feeling that people we trusted, people we thought were family have used us as a doormat and tried to wind us up on what should have been a very special day. What does everyone think? Am I overthinking this? Is this just anxiety talking? Am I being petty? It's put me off having another party for our child next year and it shouldn't be like that! I know now no matter what invites are sent out it'll be the same scenario all over again. I'm upset, angry and hurt. In my eyes manners and decency don't cost a thing. Anyone else been in a similar situation. What did you do? I'm torn between letting it drop or telling them exactly how it made us feel.

Once had our child's birthday party at a bowling alley. At the end, when it was party bag time, every bleeding child in the place lined up.i got flustered, things had not gone well, not down to the kids, down to the attendant who was at my shoulder every five minutes complaining about things the kids weren't even doing! I guess he saw a kid party and decided we were responsible for every child in the damn place. I was shaking by the end! Invited about 20 kids, gave out 32 party bags. Had none left for siblings...

Then there was the time one parent dropped the guest off at the front door while the other lifted the little brother over the back fence. By the time we realised they were far gone and not answering their mobiles. Little brother was not toilet trained...

Or the time I was in the kitchen at the end of a party and a couple of parents shouted goodbye and when I went through I found they'd taken the helium balloons and decorations. Told my husband I'd told them to take it...

Kids parties can be nightmares! I was happy when my boys grew out of them and we're happy with a day out with a friend or two.

I also have anxiety OP and the best tool is to plan for every eventuality. It means I catastrophise a bit...thinking of worst case scenarios but it also means I'm always prepared!

We have family birthday parties at home and have come to expect that there will be a few extras! If you do it again, I'd suggest:

1. Put on a buffet rather than sit down meal
2. Expect extra kids so do extra party bags. A handful of Quality Street does make a last minute party bag if needed.
3. If you don't want to do that, name the bags so you can legitimately say there's none spare.
4. Buy wine for the parents and then get stuck in. I usually get a case of coolers and have a good time talking to the grown ups. We tend to get plenty of parents staying as a result and don't need to supervise so much!

I have never had extra children turn up at a party - and yes, I think it is rude. I am really surprised that it seems to be so commonplace.

I am also surprised that family are always guaranteed an invite, I always used to Invite Cousins, but after a few years of my children never getting invited back I understood that this varies family by family.

Glad the party went otherwise well, I really hope it does not make you feel useless! Take is as a learning experience,

It's easy for us to all say it was an overreaction and you need to let it go, but I'm guessing it really didn't feel like that at the time for you with anxiety. Rather than focusing on what didn't go to plan this time around, maybe an idea for next time is just taking a couple of close friends for a Birthday treat like a chocolate making workshop or the doodle craft pottery stuff (age dependent obviously) and it's more structured and maybe less anxiety provoking?

Oh god kate! People can be so bloody rude! I don't know how you coped. I'd have been rocking in a corner! I quit smoking 5 years ago and honest to god I was ready for lighting back up! Lol..I'm so pleased kids only have one birthday a year! My little girl enjoyed it anyway even if it did turn her mother into a crackpot..I need to focus on that and not what went wrong..

I think you're overthinking this OP. People do tend to turn up when they're not invited.

However, the person who made the comment about being stressed- I think this was unfair, it does sound like they were making a dig.

Personally, I wouldn't host another party and would instead opt for a much less stressful (hopefully) family day out next year

It must have been really frustrating but rather than let it take up too much headspace just notch it up as a learning experience. At bday parties not everyone plays by the rules (parents especially). Try not to let other people's social oddities get to you too much. Social anxiety can often feel worse when we feel wrong footed. But you didn't do anything wrong so it would be best to just let it go. Next year you'll come armed with a couple of extra party bags and a pre-rehearsed head tilt for any daft requests . As you say, the main thing is it went smoothly and your Dc enjoyed the party. You've got a whole year till you need to think about it again.

Dds 7th bday should have cost £60 but parents, soft play type thing, she onky invited a handful of friends from school as that’s all we could afford, I’d paid the deposit of £30 and had to pay the other £30 on the day.

I actually ended up paying for more non invited children than invited children, the five dc invited all brought at least one sibling and signed them in under my name, panicked when my bill was £100 instead of £30.

Managed to get a friend to loan me the costs of the extra seven dc, a party that should have been £60 cost me £130!! Thought I must have been the norm as so many had expected me to pay non invited dc. I know it’s just the cheeky parents who do this and other parents give a list of names that get ticked off on arrival, extra children are signed in in regular sheet and charged regular fee.

I'm sorry you suffer form anxiety

i think in theory you are quite right to be a bit irritated. I think inviting yourself to or just turning up at a party is very rude, however much you may feel you deserve an invitation. And the mother was rude to demand party bags etc.

Having said that, kids can't help having rude unpleasant parents, and so on the occasions this sort of thing has happened to me, I just treat the child like any other guest so they don't feel bad. I always used to do several extra party bags (even if you don't have uninvited guests you sometimes get a little sibling who arrives with parent to pick up older child and I like to give them something as well, even if only a balloon or a lollipop)

It will most definitely be a small affair next year for friends only..knowing some family though that lack of invite will put their nose out of joint and I do worry about upsetting people however what's important is what my daughter wants to do and not what will make everyone else around us happy..I just can't believe people would be so crappy, especially family at their own little relatives birthday party, it's certainly made me realise what certain people can be like. I'm shocked because these are people I thought we were quite close with and I didn't expect this level of crap tbf. I need to let it go and gear myself up for next year..I think in 12 months I should have forgotten and calmed down lol

The woman who asked for a place for her child having said the child would leave early and then stealing a party bag is a piss taker of the highest order. Then to ask why you are so stressed in the midst of a big children's party, knowing that you have from anxiety, with a sickening smile.

Wish I could punch her for you.

Blueshoes thank you!! This isn't the first time she's been insensitive tbf..she even asked for her own party bag and I said no (this was even before the party)..she's a grown woman and was being more than serious about wanting her own bag 🙄..close family this is too on my partners side. I just can't stand insensitivity. In all honesty it irritates me that people still don't get mental health. If I had diabetes would she have asked "why do you need insulin" and smiled? To me it's the same type of question.

Last part got jumbled, hate the iPad keyboard since update lol.

Should have said smart parents leave a list of invited children that get ticked off and staff hand over regular sheet for extras which parents pay on entry.

Had I been asked I could have managed one or two more, or even arranged to get a loan and book whole room for £150 and dd could have had more of her actual friends there.

In all honesty having a bigger bill at the end of the party would have sent me over the edge! But as you can tell the smallest things make me flap. It does put you off parties altogether though doesn't it?! It shouldn't but for me I just keep focusing on the total piss taking and not the actual event. My daughter looked beautiful, she had a permanent smile on her face, all the kids got along well, parents helped me set up and clear away..I'm a lucky lady but I always seem to focus on what it could have been and not what it actually was.

You are over reacting. On some level you must surely know this

I don't really think you are over-reacting at all. A lot of us plan our kids parties down to the last detail because we have to keep within a strict and small budget. Having unexpected people rock up and expect entry/feeding/party bags etc. Is unacceptably rude. I don't suffer from anxiety but the situation you described would have stressed me out and pissed me off.

Don't give up on parties all together though, your kid enjoyed it and will probably hope to have more. Just learn to be a little savvy. If you're paying for individual portions or entry to somewhere add on the invitation something which says "unfortunately due to the numbers agreed siblings can not attend" or "siblings are welcome but will have to be paid for as they have not been included in the party numbers".

Additionally keep the party bags under wraps out of sight until the guests are leaving, pre-name all the bags and have your child hand them to the invited guests as and when they are collected.

I agree with the PP who said they're surprised how widespread this appears to be. I would never take an uninvited child to a party and can't really imagine it happening at all. CF parents however do seem to be everywhere nowadays.

Judging by the multitude of posts on the subject of kids parties on this site and also from personal experience, I’d say you’re over reacting a little.
I think sadly it’s a standard form now that people will either not reply to invites, will invite siblings along, will rsvp and not turn up, will turn up with no warning etc etc etc.
Shrug it off and bear in mind that the person you did it for (DC) enjoyed the day and that’s all that matters

You're having a hissy fit over 2 extras. One who said they weren't eating.

You also say....

We spent a lot of money on the party ( we aren't particularly well off)

Well what a daft thing to do.

What is a CF

As a veteran of children's parties I plan for the worst! Assume the no replies will come and if they don't then my own dc will fall upon excess party bags like manna from heaven! Once you hit the tipping point of 50% attendance then it's all good. I have anxiety and find it all awful but my eyes are on whether my dc had a fabulous time. Everything else is secondary and on one occasion. Name party bags in advance and hand the problem off to the cheeky parent.

CF is "cheeky fucker" I think.

I had my first taste of this a few weeks ago at DD's birthday party. I was astonished at the number of uninvited siblings who tagged along! Fortunately the staff at the soft play weren't keeping count because I'm sure we went over the limit, and catering was take out pizza so we could be flexible. Some children sat on the floor to eat as there weren't enough table settings, and I had to tell the "surprise" guests that there wasn't a party bag for them because we didn't know they were coming! Our first experience of throwing proper party, and a big lesson for us!

OP I think nicking the party bag after they'd been told not to was particularly shit. It's hard to get your head round that sort of behaviour when you wouldn't dream of doing it yourself, so I can understand why you can't help but focus on it.

No Noel not a hissy fit. I just don't like people who take the piss, especially family members and as you can see I have anxiety, it's quite severe at times and gets worse with stress (as anxiety does) so no not being daft either. If you've got nothing constructive to add don't add it. Thanks 👍🏻

Mrs frumble. Yes, she didn't own up to taking the bag. It was the woman who bought the extra child who told me after the party via social media..I was livid. I've calmed down now. Yes it was particularly rubbish of them to do that but I'm going to let it drop and see if anything else is said about it. Like I've said. I had no problem with siblings of school friends coming as they didn't expect anything, food, bags nothing and I understand parents can't always find babysitters for siblings but for family members, people you do think won't do anything to wind you up and then they do..well it was just a bit shocking. I'd have had no problem if we were asked beforehand if these children could come but one didn't even ask, they just turned up with the child to prove a point that they could..almost in protest which I feel is very childish and bang out of order..anyway.thank you for all your replies, most lovely, most constructive, some a bit rude lol. Thanks 👍🏻

OP you've accepted the feedback very graciously on this thread. I agree that it's rude but also that these things happen at kids' parties and that it doesn't really signify anything.

The thing that sprang out from your post is that you thought people might be taking advantage of you or exploiting you. That I think is your anxiety talking. They are just rude and thinking of themselves as people often do. So don't leap from that to thinking that they all think of you as a walkover and want to exploit you - the truth is they don't think at all.

Hope you can let this go and enjoy the fact that DD had fun.