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Parties/celebrations

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Original poster

Really upset for my dd, please advise.

27 replies

twinsplus1 · 01/09/2006 11:31

My 9 year old daughter found out yesterday that a very good friend has left her out of her birthday sleepover.

Dd has been friends with her since birth, they often see each other out of school (don't go to same school) and have always included each other in parties before.

Met up yesterday - mum is a very good friend of mine too - and this mum said she can only invite six as it is a sleepover.

Dd is very upset and had nightmares about it last night. She thinks she must have done something wrong. I have to say that I am really quite upset myself and for my daughter. The mum went on about how her daughter had been unable to ask another friend from school and she was worried this girl would be upset. No mention of how my daughter might feel
Would you still buy this child a birthday present? Have to say this mum does buy a present for my sons even though not invited to their parties. What would you do?

OP posts:
hulababy · 01/09/2006 11:34

Upsetting as it is, I think I would still nbuy the birthday present/card, especially as this mum buys for your sons as well.

This girl only had 6 invites and is perhaps just inviting school friends from her group at school.

for your DD though

Holidaymum · 01/09/2006 11:41

I agree get the present, but have a quiet word with the mum to let her know how your dd is feeling, you say she is a good friend she should understand. Its tricky being at a sleepover if all the other kids know each other from school and you don't. I suspect the mother didn't want your dd to feel left out in a group she wasnt familiar with.

twinsetandpearls · 01/09/2006 11:43

It may just have been an oversight or just a school thing, I would buy a present and say that you hoped dd enjoyed her sleepver and that your dd wished she could have been there.

MarsLady · 01/09/2006 11:44

ditto holidaymum.

Original poster
twinsplus1 · 01/09/2006 11:45

I know 2 of the 6 are not from this child's class so don't think this is the explanation. My daughter did go to child's school until last year so she would know all the other girls.

OP posts:
fairyjay · 01/09/2006 11:46

Pretty insensitive of the friend's mum though. Before now, dd has had a party for friends from school, and we have then invited her close friend out of school to join her for a birthday treat.

grumpyfrumpy · 01/09/2006 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scotchick · 01/09/2006 12:07

When my ds1 occasionally was left out of party invites I could hardly believe how devastated I felt. Nearly cried!

It's hard but it's not personal. I'm sure the friend of your daughter feels exactly the same about her but the harsh truth is that your school friends tend to be your best friends, although I always feel it's important to have friends outside school too.

Sad for your daughter tho'......

fairyjay · 01/09/2006 12:11

For the friend's present, why not arrange a trip somewhere, so that your dd is joining in the celebrations in some way. Might make her mum think too!

Iklboo · 01/09/2006 12:14

Sad for your dd and a bit insensitive - but you could bite the bullet and invite the girl over to a "special sleepover" at yours so the girls can have an extra birthday treat?

Original poster
twinsplus1 · 01/09/2006 13:11

Some good suggestions from you all, thank you. Part of me thinks that dd's friend needs to understand that she has upset her by not inviting her. Is that really bitchy? Not suggesting we march round there and tell her but...

OP posts:
lemonysnickett · 01/09/2006 23:26

Why not have an improptu sleepover for your daughter inviting a couple of her friends from school. It might help her take her mind off it and do something enjoyable. i think that is the most constructive thing you could do. Also, I wouldn't speak to the mum about it...probably wouldn't achieve much.

yajorome · 01/09/2006 23:35

Birthday parties are hard, especially as they get older. I don't think they get easier on the children either. To answer your question, twinsplus1, yes, I think it would be incredibly bitchy to make a 9 year old feel bad about whom she invited to a party. You don't know that she didn't agonise over the decision, but even if she didn't, it's her party and she's, well, 9.

Jimjams2 · 01/09/2006 23:40

"Part of me thinks that dd's friend needs to understand that she has upset her by not inviting her. Is that really bitchy?"

That would be an over-reaction, and to be honest a bit odd.

I suspect who she invited had more to do with group dynamics- and it is hard when there is a number limit.

I would spend your energy teaching your dd about disappointment and keeping things in perspective. A very valuable life lesson, if a hard one to learn. Explain that she probably needed to invite gilrs who all knew each other, and that her friend probably thought she would be the odd one out, so was sparing her that.

Presumably if the mother went on to you about the chances of someone else being upset it didn't even occur to her that your dd might be. A sign that nothing was done nastily I think.

PretendFriend · 01/09/2006 23:46

jj said what I was thinking, tp1. I agree that both friend and her mother have been extremely tactless/thoughtless and should have spoken to you and your DD ahead of this party to arrange something else for her to help celebrate her friend's birthday; but to have included her in this party would have meant another of the other girl's schoolfriends would have had to be excluded, and would probably have left your DD floundering at the edge of the group.

Not sure how to progress from here though. Are you up to a calm and cheerful phone call to the mum to discuss the situation?

shimmy21 · 01/09/2006 23:51

Sleepovers aren't the same as parties because of the much more limited numbers so I really don't think you or your dd need to take not being invited as a slight.

And I bet you the mum told you she was worried about the other child being hurt in order to politely explain that they couldn't fit your dd in (without being too blatant).

Don't say anything or it will all turn in to a storm in a teacup.

grumpyfrumpy · 02/09/2006 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 02/09/2006 09:03

I'm sorry but even as an adult if you have limited places you have to draw the line somewhere

and this child definitely has different social groups

so she should invite 5 girls from her group at school and then invite 1 girl who only she knows??? .. that patently doesn't work

invite her for a sleepover .. or talk to the mum and see if she can go for a different sleepover

please, please don't exacerbate it by getting annoyed yourself

really .. birthday parties are such a mine-field

Original poster
twinsplus1 · 02/09/2006 09:49

I would never upset the birthday girl, that isn't what I meant. I just felt that by buying her a present anyway it was sort of saying that it was okay to leave my daughter out in this way.

Of the six who have been invited 2 are not at this child's school either so it is definately not a case of only asking school friends. Also, up until a year ago my daughter was at this school so she is friends with these children and wouldn't feel that she is not part of the group.

I'm not intending to cause any upset or argument with either the mother or daughter but just feel sad for my daughter and a little angry with the mother for her insensitive handling of this. As I said this family have been very close friends for 10 years - we see each other at each others homes at least once a week.

I have of course not said anything about my feelings to my daughter. I have talked to her about how friendships can change. Also how important it is for her to use this to learn about how to treat her friends.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 02/09/2006 10:02

As they get older the invites do spread out a bit as for sleepovers anymore than 6 is too many.I just ask ds who he wants to invite and from time to time he has left out the ds's of some of my friends but it doesn't really mean anything tbh.If you say 5 they say 6 if you say 8 they say 9 at least my ds does.There are never enough spaced for all the friends.I would play it down if I were you as there will be lots of this over the next few years and they have to learn not to take it personally.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2006 10:08

But it is OK to leave your DD out in this way. It's sad but true I'm afraid. The birthday girl had 6 invites and she invited the 6 people she wanted to invite. It's her "party".

Unfortunately this is the way things go and I think you need to explain to your DD that sometimes you just can't invite everyone you want. I don't think you need to make a big deal about it with the other mum. Maybe say how disappointed your DD was but leave it at that - no questions, no recriminations.

Letting your DD have her own sleepover is a great idea IMO.

SherlockLGJ · 02/09/2006 10:14

Thank God for Fio, Twiglett,and Soupy you have saved me a post.

LucyJones · 02/09/2006 10:19

The thing is even though your dd was at the same school up to a year ago a year is a hell of a long time in a young girl's life. The birthday girl will have formed a group friendship at school and will have been reluctant to miss anyone out from school as that would be really obvious. I know it's hard but you just have to admit that the girl is closer to these other friends (including the two that don't go to the school). I think not getting her a present would be petty and excerbate the situation and also give the wrong message to your dd.

Jimjams2 · 02/09/2006 10:27

yes agree soupy.- Use it as an opportunity to teach about how to deal with disappointment. it's the way of the world.

misdee · 02/09/2006 10:34

at dd1 party earlier this year, she invited a couple of girls from her old school (had left 6months before) loads from her new school, one from nursery and her cousins. i spent most of the time consolling the girls from nursery and old school, and trying to get them to join in with the girls from the new school.

group dynamics change all the time.

i really dont see why people get so het up over party invites.

i have one dd who gets invited to loads of parties, dd2 hasnt had one yet, but is just starting nursery so that could all change.

i remember arrnging a last minute sleepover when i was about 10, my parents had set up the trailer tent in the garden, i invited 2 friends at lunchtime, they came to my house after lunch to go back to school (we were all home dinners), after school a parent of another girl called my parents up and had a go as their dd hadnt been invited, and said i was being spiteful as we had arrnaged it weeks before (total lie as it was last minute). that hurt.