DH 40th - paid bar??

[Stellaface]

I'm planning DH's 40th for later this year (summer). We have a preferred venue (meaningful to us) and it's not hideously expensive to hire, but add catering in and suddenly my budget is blown! I earn a lot less than DH and would really like to cover this myself especially as it's meant to be a surprise, which I can do but only if I don't pay for everyone's drinks.

Until I've worked out all my options, I'm not sure whether it will be a small sit-down dinner and then everyone else along afterwards (in style of evening wedding reception) or just a free-for-all buffet and hope I've got the amount of food roughly right. I think it would be a bit cheeky to ask people who are coming from a long way to a party that isn't catered, so I think the buffet option is the only way forward, but then the numbers increases the catering budget to the point where I can't afford to pay for one round of drinks, let alone a free bar.

I'm also quite worried about wasting money needlessly. A lot of DH's friends, especially the ones who would have to travel, are quite unreliable (getting RSVPs for our wedding was a nightmare, I left DH to it and there was still some uncertainty on the day), so I don't want to commit to a certain amount of catering and then see food going to waste when that money could have been used on drinks instead. However, would be awful to not have enough food. The variation based on unreliable friends is over 50% of the guestlist, so quite a big difference! Thing is, I don't want to say anything to people until I have a better idea of what I'm doing, but then again I need a fairly good idea of numbers to be able to budget properly!

So main question atm is, is it ok to have a paid bar? Just one drink on arrival would add about another 25% to the budget, and I can't cut that off the food bill without being in serious danger of severely under-catering. The venue is a pub, so it's not like hotel prices for drinks...

"It would have cost us am extra£500 to pay for first drink at our last party at an external venue. Venue hire, DJ and food was already best part of £1000."

It's not about living on a different planet, it's about making different choices and having different priorities. With that kind of budget I would feel more comfortable being able to give people at least one drink and compromising on venue/DJ/numbers invited/whatever instead. I think I'd actually lose the DJ and have iPod/speakers before deciding not to pay for anything for people to drink.

Pay bar, fine, but nothing at all to drink for guests who are travelling and spending on gift/hotel etc? Not something I'd personally feel comfortable doing.

I'm going against the grain here (someone has to ) and I think if you're hosting a party and expecting people to come from far and wide, you should pay. For significant birthdays, I've done big party at home with loads of food and drink, or sit down meal in a restauRnt - all food and drink paid for.

This is what I would expect. I am not posh, but I am nearly 50 so maybe it's an age thing.

It wouldn't even enter my head that there might be free drinks at a birthday party. I think the majority of people would expect to pay for their own drinks. However I would expect there to be food.

I'm 50 this year Agent so it's not an age thing - never been to a 'do' where the hosts buy all the drink. Don't know if it's regional or - more likely - to do with the wealth of the people in the circles we all mix in.

When I had my 40th, I didn't have a paid bar ( party in was the function room of our local theatre).

The invite said something along lines of food available but drinks could be purchased at the bar.

When none of DP's family came ( bar one brother), I thought hmm, a bit odd. Then was told reliably that was because knew they'd have to pay for drinks.

Tbh, was a bit hurt and wondered if I should have put some money behind the bar, but then thought hey ho and had a great time none the less.

"Don't know if it's regional or - more likely - to do with the wealth of the people in the circles we all mix in."

I genuinely don't think it's a wealth thing, thinking about my own experience of "dos", which is very wide-ranging in terms of budget.

Might be regional? My family is all from the East End and the prospect of not being able to offer their guests a drink would horrify them I think. But then people I know from elsewhere are the same really. At least one drink.

I'm bucking the trend here because ime (& we're going to a lot of 40ths at the mo) it's the norm to have either a free bar all evening or until however much money the host has put behind the bar is spent. Or another example, went to one recently where we were given 2 tokens each at the door for 2 drinks.

I don't think I've ever been invited to a party at a venue where we weren't given a drink.

Tbh, if you're inviting people, I think you should give them at least one drink.

Can you cut back on the catering to allow you to pay for one drink for each guest? At my 40th in a local pub we did a very simple chilli, rice and garlic bread followed by birthday cake and cheese and biscuits. It was fine, and left enough in the budget to give each guest a 'ticket' for a drink at the bar. We also restricted this to wine/beer/cider etc just in case anyone fancied a cocktail!

It just depends what is more important to you. I really wanted to get the first drink in, so was happy to compromise on food, but better food and a pay bar is equally acceptable.

Kare that was brave, but me too. We hardly pay for anything at parties, catered normally and free booze.

But we wouldn't mind if we did. We love our friends, so if the evening was such that we had to pay, then sobeit.

I wouldn't expect a free bar. I would be pleased to receive a drink but would not bat an eyelid at buying my own. A great buffet would be very happily enjoyed though.

I would say great food over 'free drink' any day.

Tbh the only parties I go to are soft play type jobs where I almost always have to buy my own. I hate soft play

As it's at a pub I wouldn't be surprised to pay for drinks, but it is much much nicer to provide at least a welcome drink to your guests.

I think a buffet lends itself more to a buy your own, too - it's more awkward to pop to the bar if the soup is just being dished up.

At the birthday parties that I've been to in catered venues, there is usually a certain amount of money behind the bar so that drinks are free for part of the evening.

I would think it odd for there not even to be a single free drink

I think a pay bar is perfectly ok with a buffet. However, I think it is best to tell your guests beforehand. then they can smuggle in their own vodka filled hipflasks

You could say in the invite that rather than bring presents for your DH can the guests fund their own drinks.

I also wouldn't spilt the party.

Perhaps it is an age thing (I am mid 50s) as I expected to host and cater for my guests at my 40th - we lived in a fairly small semi but still managed to get 50+ guests in (luckily it was a warm evening ) and we provided the food and drinks. Likewise for my 50th birthday which was a more sedate drinks and canapes type party. Hiring a village hall is a very reasonable option and you can ask guests to bring a bottle.

If it's in a pub I expect people will be arriving at different times. So you won't get to meet & greet everyone immediately they arrive to offer them a drink. Or what would you do? Stay near the free drinks and guard them all night for new guests? I'd go for buffet & everyone buys their own drink. All the big birthdays we've been to lately have specified no gifts.

I'm in the NW. It's normal here for people to pay for drinks at most parties in a function room etc, same for weddings I have been to in the midlands or further south. At a wedding you generally get a drink on arrival. The 30th parties I've been to were all in bars with bit of buffet if you're lucky. Pay for all drinks & drinks for birthday boy/girl!

Other birthday parties I can think of, small restaurant meal, you wouldn't expect to be paid for, split bill and don't let birthday person pay their share.

At someone's house (50th bday, silver wedding, or engagement or christening) food provided (often hotpot/chilli/curry), booze provided but can bring a bottle.

We had a got married abroad wedding evening do where we stuck some money behind the bar & when it was gone, that was it. People often do this and someone's dad or uncle will often bung in a bit more and not say anything to anyone. Everyone outdos each other to get the rounds in.

Often golf clubs etc or conservative clubs etc here are cheaper bars than a proper bar iykwim so no one minds. If its a swanky hotel or venue (weddings!) then it's expensive and people have less goodwill.

My in laws have a bit of cash to splash so their 60ths were fully paid up swanky restaurants.

It varies. People don't usually mind.

I'd get people to RSVP. Ring round to check on non-responses and only cater for those who can make it. If anyone is rude enough to try and say they don't know just explain the fecking obvious, which is they have to be yea or nay for catering!

It will be fine.

Maybe it is regional then. I'm in glasgow, and I would be really surprised to have to buy drink at an organised party.

I am in Scotland too and didnt pay for other peoples drinks at our 40th. I provided a venue, a buffet and a dj and everyone bought their own drinks. I have done the same when invited to other peoples parties.

and when I have gone out for meals for peoples birthdays we have bought our own food/drinks and been expected to pay for the birthday persons food too!!

But are you from Edinburgh?

Any chance you can hire a barn/ local scout hut out and pay a teenage family member and their mates or some such to be bar staff for the night? Might be more fun.

nah, Agent, am closer to Glasgow (north lanarkshire)

I lived in Edinburgh for many years and went to many parties - none had a free bar. Practically every party (hosted by individuals and not companies) has been a pay bar. I have a mix of quite posh and not so posh friends! I'd love to know where all these free bar all night paeties are!

I have never expected free drinks at a birthday party. Not even one on arrival.

It's a phenomenon I've only discovered since joining MN.