ds1 doesn't want ds2 at his birthday party - wwyd?

[elliott]

I am in a bit of a dilemma here. i have two boys, two years apart who are very different characters. They do get on well sometimes and do care about each other a lot, but there is also intense rivalry and increasingly, verbal needling and bickering/arguing. Ds1 often feels hard done by as ds2 is much more outgoing and popular whereas ds1 has less well developed social skills.
Anyway, their birthdays are only a few days apart. Last year, ds1 had a party for which ds2 was too young, so he couldn't come and I had to find a friend to take him for the day. Ds1 went to ds2's party the same weekend.
This year, ds1 turns 10 and has chosen a party that ds2 could go to, if i organise it after he turns 8, but not if it takes place before his birthday. ds1 is now making a big fuss that he doesn't want ds2 at his party. I feel that this is mean and I am inclined to insist that ds2 is allowed to come to the party, but I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. wwyd?

Have you asked DS2 what he wants to do? We just always had them as family affairs-but I suppose I might have rethought had it been questioned.

So your DS1 has already reached the point of not having his little brother at his birthday party. He wasn't there last year. And, given your DS1's age, wouldn't you be stoppig your DS2 from attending his big brother's parties soon anyway??? It would seem a bit mad to reintroduce him this year only to keep him away permanently next year.

Given the issues between them, it only seems fair that you DS1 actually have a few hours on his birthday with his friends without his younger brother muscling in on it. Let your DS2 go and do something nice elsewhere. Making your DS1 have his brother at his party when there are already jealousy issues and some resentment is hardly going to help them to get on! It is also fair that the same applies for your DS1 when it comes to his brother's party.

I think your ds1 insisting that he doesn't want ds2 at his party is all part of the sibling rivalry that you mention and is giving ds1 inappropriate power to 'get one over' on his younger sibling. I wouldn't stand for it (my dc are 21 months apart and argue loads too)

I think, for me, it would depend on what the party was - a few mates going to the movies or paintballing - then DS2 doesn't need to be invited. A party where family or family friends are invited then he needs to be invited.

Yes you are right chippingin, I was just assuming it was paintball or similar- family party is different. I would let him go to ds2 party until ds2 was same age that ds1 did not have to invite his brother, that is fairer imo

Defiantly put up and shut up or no party.
If I'm shelling out for a party it's for both my children to enjoy. DD2 may grump about big sis being there, but she'll want her to play with tomorrow
It would just set too bigger precedent for future bad feeling, children don't forget and party crimes seem to be particularly remembered.
I'm still occasionally in trouble for the year I didn't bother because no one would make up their minds and I just got totally pissed off with both of them

I think:

If it's a party at home, everyone's there (incl all siblings).

And/or

If it's a 'treat' out somewhere, let it just be friends.

And that goes for the both of them.

Good luck :)

I couldn't imagine leaving one child out because the other was being arsey, but I guess I'm probably thinking of the wrong sort of party. If it was a free-for-all type of thing where everybody was going to be there (at home, or in a hall or such like) then tough - sibling would be coming. Even a cinema trip I think I'd put my foot down (we'd sit elsewhere anyway) I couldn't imagine the DSs doing this though, maybe I'm just lucky they get along! (They're 11 and 13 btw, their sister is 7 and they wouldn't leave her out either)

Oh I should say that if DS1 want a cinema trip with friends he would be on his own - he's too old for me to be forced to stay

LOL at those who would never ever consider not having all siblings at a party. DSs are 10 & 12. Should I insist they have their 5 year old sister there? Seriously? Get real.

One parent takes the birthday child out with their friends, the other stays with the sibling(s). DSs are 2 years and 6 days apart. They have shared parties when small, gone to each others when a little older and then had separate ones where the other is not invited.

Forcing your child to have a sibling there just creates resentment.

Forcing your DS1 to include your DS2 in a party which (by the sounds of it is an organised go-carting type event out of the house - from the sounds of the age limit issue) is not going to resolve any sibling rivalry issues

Its horrible living with a sibling you feel inferior to socially.

I really really don't understand why so many of you seem to feel that siblings are compelled to come to the party regardless of whether the party child wants them to. Helping your children form bonds good enough to last into adulthood can sometimes mean allowing them to exist in their own space.

It doesn't have to be a punishment for DS2 - he can do something lovely with your DH instead. Or he can have his party at the same venue with DS1 not invited.

surely we are all allowed to be a tiny bit selfish and not share our space with our siblings on one day of the year.

This doesn't apply to a party in the house with all relatives going - granny, grandpa etc but by age 10 we had a freinds party and a family party obviously DS2 would be included in teh family party.

crikey, now I'm even more confused!
I do empathise with ds1 and understand his feelings, but I'm not sure that that means that I think it is ok to indulge those feelings iyswim. I don't think that a birthday excuses bad behaviour, and in the same way that I pull them up for verbally or physically hurting each other, I am not sure that I should encourage what is basically ds1 attempting to pull rank on ds2. I'm also worried about setting a precedent whereby ds2 is then encouraged to retaliate by excluding ds1 etc etc - its just not really the kind of behaviour that I think is kind or generous or that should be encouraged. the difficulty really is in helping ds1 see that I do understand his feelings, but that I am not prepared to allow him to indulge those feelings at the expense of ds2.
but then, I can really see what some of you are saying about allowing siblings to be their own people and have their own space, and about forcing breeding resentment. hey ho. i can't really draw on my own experience as I had (much) older brothers dh is an only so he is no use at all! I should ask my brothers what happened for them I guess, as they have a similar dynamic to my two.
Practically speaking, there are no other family members that could take ds2 out, i would have to call in a favour from a friend or dh and I would have to divide up - which would be difficult as i would then be in sole charge of the party, managing party tea etc etc.

the practicality argument would clinch it for me. Both of mine go to each other's party (girls - 3 years apart) and are allowed to have a friend of their own to keep them occupied. DH and I don't want to face party trauma without the other parent and don't want the faff of getting someone to have the excluded child.

If you hadn't mentioned the social skills/popularity thing I might have said have DS2 there but let him bring a friend of his own and stay out of the way a bit. It sounds like (this might just be my misinterpretation) your DS2 ends up kind of taking over - that your DS1 feels sidelined in a group of his friends by his little brother. It's not your DS2's fault he's more outgoing and popular but I'd imagine that having your brother be the focus of your birthday party is going to make your DS1 more resentful.

Older siblings get a hard time. They usually have tighter restrictions on them than subsequent children and are expected to be more 'sensible' because of their age and so are held more responsible for starting fights/sillyness. They should get to enjoy some perks of being older.

I guess as a single parent it hadn't occurred to me that it would be a problem managing the party on your own and your DH going out with DS2 (I just rope in a family member or friend in the absence of a DH). But if it isn't practical then you just will have to tell DS1 that it isn't possible to do anything with DS2 other than for him to come to the party.

Its not going to make him be kind or generous though, just mournfully (if you're lucky!).

Are they ever going to be allowed to choose to not have their sibling attend? Genuinely curious becasue we never did this "siblings come too" thing in our family - just attendance at a low key family tea party. But then we never had birthday parties that involved more than pass the party and a bit of jelly or a visit to the panto so none of my sibling ever really wanted to attend (I'm guessing!)

mournfully accepting

"its just not really the kind of behaviour that I think is kind or generous or that should be encouraged" - that's it in a nutshell for me elliott

Maryz speaks sense.

I let my dds (11, 10 and 7 now) to have a birthday trip without a sibling if they want. Dd1 chose this for her 10th birthday, just 2 friends to a theatre workshop thing. With 2 little sisters and 2 cousins who live nearby and usually come too we have 5 children otherwise before we've even started inviting friends. So it makes sense, if you want a smaller party, not to have this long train of younger siblings and cousins along.

but dd1 then felt a bit left out when dd2 had her birthday sleepover without her, I think that made her realise it might be worth not excluding dd2 the next year, so she didn't. but that was a bigger party again.