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Parties/celebrations

Whether you're planning a birthday or a hen do, you'll find plenty of ideas for your celebration on our Party forum.

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Original poster

How to say "no presents" on invite?

54 replies

doodleboo · 27/02/2011 16:39

We're inviting the whole class to DS's party in a couple of weeks - what is the best way to say "no presents thank you" on the invite?

Don't want to sound rude! Thank you :)

OP posts:

chicaguapa · 27/02/2011 17:34

chimchar That is a good idea. DC would love to have a lump sum to spend on one thing.

systemsaddict · 27/02/2011 17:39

My ds is in Reception and would really struggle going to a party without clutching a gift for the birthday boy / girl. In his world, birthday parties follow strict rules and rituals and bringing a present is part of that. (He is a little inflexible though.)

Original poster

doodleboo · 27/02/2011 17:40

chimchar that is a good idea. Do people think that is a good compromise? I don't want to sound like i expect gifts, because i don't. But if people are going to be offended or really want to give i would rather say that. The charity idea i like too, but not for the first party i think.

OP posts:

chimchar · 27/02/2011 17:46

Do it doodle and make the lives of everyone much easier!!

Pagwatch · 27/02/2011 20:36

Well, for everyone except the parents whose child will be saying ' can we go and get a present for doodle jnr today? What do you mean we are giving him a coin? But a coin isn't a present? Don't we like him? Is he very poor? Is it like red nose day? But I wanted to wrap it?....

Fwiw. I fucking hare being told what to give.

Original poster

doodleboo · 27/02/2011 23:16

I would be very grateful if someone felt strongly enough to buy one IYSWIM. But i want to do a party for my DS who has so much more than a lot of children in the world and who will receive lots of presents from a large extended family.

I see the party as a separate thing from presents and as a nice thing for him and his friends to do together, but we have not yet jumped into the world of birthday parties as until recently he was very shy, so we may jointly have an unusual view of them. This is why i need mumsnet!

When i had a whole class bouncy castle party for my 8th we said no presents and i didn't even notice, i was so busy having a good time. I think for my sister's 7th - ish too actually - maybe it's just my family!?

Good to get all these honest opinions! Thank you!

OP posts:

captainbarnacle · 27/02/2011 23:24

My DS1 is 4 and he loves going to parties and choosing the present for the party girl/boy. It's v important for him. So important he loves to tell them what it is as he hands it over

I have to disagree with the no opening at the party thing - after 4 years of parties I still dont understand piles of presents left unopened. Sure we get a thank you letter half the time, but it's not the same as seeing the face of the child as you open it and for them to thank in person. Piles of presents on a pile at the door seems like a wedding or a 50th - not a 5th birthday party. Other children enjoy the present opening too - it's part of the party. And the past 2 years I've had over 20 kids at his party.

readinginsteadnow · 28/02/2011 08:40

But how do you fit in time to open 20 presents? And how to make sure your child remembers who gave what? And what are the other kids doing while they are being opened; not all sitting watching, surely? I'm trying to remember when I was little, and I dont think I ever o[ened them at the time either. We always thought that was very rude, when you'd invited people to have fun and games with you, and then there's the etiquette of any double presents received. Actually, for us, the biggest prob would be transport; we dont have parties at home cos our house is tiny, so its easier to leave everything in the bags it was brought in, to carry back on the bus!

mummytime · 28/02/2011 09:03

You do not open presents at parties, they go straight into a black bag. Then you open them slowly at home, with mummy noting down who gave what.

If you invite lots of people then in my kids cases some of the presents do get donated on unused (sorry!). If people ask, then ask for consumables: pencils, paper, craft bits and bobs, nice writing paper of thank you letters is always good.

corns12k · 28/02/2011 09:08

doesn't your ds mind not having presents when all the other children will receive them at their birthday parties? Have you asked him?

omnishambles · 28/02/2011 09:13

Exactly what mummytime says - and you have great fun with the pressies that have been doing the rounds for years - these go into the recycling cupboard and you really try not to give these back to the people they came from. Its all fine honestly - by the time they gte to year 2 they are just inviting friends and the whole problem goes away.

BendyBob · 28/02/2011 09:14

Agree with Pag - just go with the presents. Childrens parties are what they are - you can't tinker with a good format.

Original poster

doodleboo · 28/02/2011 11:45

corns12k he may be unusual but no he doesn't mind, because he will have lots of presents from family and close friends. He just wants to play with his friends.

I think i am a bit out of step with the modern world in some respects ( and i am early 20s) but i don't think they need a huge pile of toys to enjoy themselves. They have that at home!

I love buying presents for people but if someone said "no presents thanks" i would take that 100% at face value - i really don't get all this inferring offence and hidden messages from stuff like that - if i didn't like someone i wouldn't be asking them to my child's party!

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 28/02/2011 11:54

Doodle

I never suggested that it meant you didn't like the guest. I said that some may think it means that you are indifferent to the gift they would like to give. Or are so lofty that the present malarky is a bit beneath you. That's all. I am sure many would shrug and say ' great'.

Fwiw I know that a child doesn't need a huge pile of toys to enjoy themselves. My angle is more that gift giving, generosity and kindness are good things to teach my daughter and buying presents for her friends is just one of the many ways in which she can start to experience this.

Suggesting that those saying ' just let kids bring gifts' are only concerned with the bundle of presents rather misses the point.

omnishambles · 28/02/2011 11:55

doodleboo - its not about the presents or the children - its just about what the done thing is.

So for example - you've invited ds to your party and say no presents - great but what happens when you come to ds' party - I assume you're not going to bring a present which ds would get a bit of the hump about or at least be a bit curious and then in the playground your ds might get a bit of stick about it - best for them to do what everyone else is doing I've found if it really doesnt put you out that much. Theres loads of little things like this that come up. Some of our dcs - mine definately - have enough trouble fitting in, and dont need us being a little bit weird about things to mark them out further.

systemsaddict · 28/02/2011 11:57

I agree with Pagwatch. The last birthday party my son went to, the absolute best bit was seeing his face completely light up at the sight of the small Playmobil toy we were giving his friend. We had chosen just the right thing and he (my son, that is) was so pleased and excited, it was lovely. There is a great joy in finding a gift for a friend that you think they might like.

Original poster

doodleboo · 28/02/2011 12:07

I like the present bit too (i really, really do!) but it's because it's a whole class party that i have even thought of this.

Sorry if i came across as critical of anyone in that last post, it is so hard to explain yourself in writing - i am not criticising anyone else's approach - don't have my own approach yet! I really just appreciate everyone's honest reactions.

Agree it is also 'what the done thing' is - that's why i'm asking i think. I have no way of knowing what 'normal' is in this situation!

Pagwatch i didn't mean to suggest you think those things, i just meant generally, and it is good to know what you think some might think IYSWIM? Don't think anyone is being materialistic at all! :)

OP posts:

CornflowerB · 28/02/2011 12:08

You have to be really careful with this. A woman at my child's school went around saying 'I don't want x number of presents' and then suggested that we ALL from then on gave money instead of gifts at ALL parties. It did not go down well. I know you're not doing it like this but the outcome is likely to be the same. Presumption is not a good thing. And, incidentally, by inviting the whole class you are already setting a precedent that others may not wish to follow. If you want to remain in everyone's good books I would not say anything. You may not associate presents with parties but I'm pretty sure everyone else does .

You won't be able to keep track of 'who gave what' unless you leave them unopened until after the party and then you can write a list and say thank you to everyone at a later date. You can, as someone suggested donate the unwanted gifts to a charity. Also how are you going to explain to your child that everyone else gets presents and their birthday and he doesn't?

seaside72 · 28/02/2011 12:18

I just did this for DS's 3rd bday - I put at the bottom of the invite:
"Presents are not necessary but if you really want to, something small is fine, a matchbox car or small book is more than enough"
I thought it was fine? Everybody did bring presents but they were small (£5 range) which I think is perfect. DS was chuffed with all his new cars and books!

I was in a similar position with friends from nursery coming who I did not know/did not know parents so it made me uncomfortable to think they would feel obliged.

I would not be put out at all if I were a guest? But then again I guess that's why I did it! (worried now I may have offended/come across as snobby )

Arghh the parenting minefield strikes again!

systemsaddict · 28/02/2011 12:28

Ah now you see I think that's different, as you are still giving people the choice to bring a gift if they want to, just removing the implicit obligation if you see what I mean. I don't think that could have offended anyone. In fact I could have used that phrasing for ds' 3rd birthday, when we were swamped with huge gifts and nowhere to put them. It is telling that everyone brought something anyway!

BikeRunSki · 28/02/2011 12:39

We went to a joint 2nd birthdaytparty a few months ago where the parents wrote "no presents" please on the card and left it at that. I took it at face value and didn't mind at all. I did not do the same for DS's birthday a few weeks later though! I like the tat.

Original poster

doodleboo · 28/02/2011 13:08

seaside72 am sure you didn't cause offence!

OP posts:

littlebillie · 28/02/2011 20:14

I have seen this before and also cited the enviroment. I have twins and terrified at the presents this year. They both want a sparkle scooter so I am going to ask for a donation £1-2 in a card. If everyone gives they will have a wonderful present.

littlebillie · 28/02/2011 20:18

I think it is wonderful to have a party for our children, but the presents thing is ridiculous. I always spend around £10 and I am sure it is all binned after a month.

I want my children to value money and understand it. I think if we all cited the environment and a present they are saving up for, I would be happy to send my children to a party with a monetary gift.

captainbarnacle · 28/02/2011 20:19

Binned? What presents do you get that are binned? We tend to get cars or t shirts or books or balls or such like. They are not binned! If anything they are recycled at charity shops after a year or so.

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