Thread 52 - Covid GCSE Cohort - Autumn 24 - Start of Uni Yr 3

[Oblomov24]

2024 Autumn, start of year 3 for those at Uni.

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp.

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and advice to be had.

51 Previous thread - 51.

@Piggywaspushed I think if we had introduced something when my DCs first had phones, they would just have accepted it. But asking now they are grown adults really feels to be overstepping! But they don't have anyone else at the moment who would know their movements and be worried if they are late/don't arrive etc as DH and I would for each other. Maybe if we all agree to it, they might go for it. I like your unwritten rules @EternallyDelighted - seem reasonable for adults using such an app.

I’m so sorry to hear about your son @Seeline , exactly the same happened to a friend’s uni student, got put in a taxi by her friends after going downhill fast (only 2 drinks in), but was unconscious outside her flat. So you relieved you found him.

We’ve always had family Find My phone, same rules as Photodad and EternallyDelighted. I couldn’t give a monkeys about DD’s whereabouts per se and don’t check for that, it’s the practical side of stuff that it helps on, for all of us. She feels safer we know her location, for any unforeseen situation, and has the same unwritten relationship with friends using Snapmaps.

DH and I had tracking before the DCs had smartphones so it was a default position in our family and everyone is OK with it, I like it as a safety net and also prefer it to the calls and texts - DH is self employed with very varying hours and easily loses track of time, it used to drive me mad when the DCs were younger and he would stroll in any time between 5.30 and 7.30 without any contact but I felt like a nag if I kept calling and texting him. At least now I can check for myself whether he's left yet and if not and I do need to know when he'll be back I can call him, but won't bother if I can see he's on his way.

I can see why that might be tricky. I have been telling DS ever since he went to uni that he and his best friend their should put each other's parent's numbers in their phones for emergencies but I don't suppose they have done so. When they were younger I put the numbers of some trusted adults (mums of their friends from primary school, who I know well and live nearby and they did the same with my number) in their phones for emergencies if they couldn't contact us or got locked out or similar. But it's harder once they are adult. My colleagues in their 20s are very comfortable with their families all tracking one another.

It always gave my DH the nod went to put dinner on for late swim run returns, god that feels like forever ago, but agree, much easier if you introduce early.

What a lovely opportunity you had @EwwSprouts , gorgeous photo.

DS1 gets annoyed when we ask for mate's numbers when he goes away. Obviously that came in handy when he lost his phone and bank cards in Crete...

Keep an eye on him next few days @Seeline , he may feel very out of sorts, it’s a very unpleasant experience that can affect people differently.

DH and I track each other on Google maps, mainly to know when to pick up from the train station. DS and DD refuse, although DD turned hers on when travelling solo across Ghana and thought she'd been kidnapped. I do know where DS is on Snapchat and he's happy with that. He even let me know he was going to a boat party and not to worry if it looked liked he'd jumped in the river. I also track elderly but very independent MIL who thinks nothing of driving from one side of the country to the other on her own.

It’s all about positioning of why one may need it and more importantly, knowing how to exercise discretion.

Yes - I think the weekend's activities have made everyone think slightly differently. Just trying to find the right moment to broach it with everyone now. Perhaps if I can persuade them it will be the end of my endless 'have you got there yet?' messages, they might see the benefit!

And I definitely know none of this is funny, but @mummyinbeds your two DCs sound fab! Kidnapping and boat trips are two ends of the spectrum.

That's really scary @seeline, so glad you found him!

I only started tracking ds when he was 16 and it turned out he'd spent a night in a Puregym 30 miles away constructing a vehicle out of weights and recording a Tiktok, when I thought he was at his friend's house. It was positioned as a punishment/consequence of lying and it turned out to be very useful. However it did mean that he felt justified in not letting me know what he was doing and not responding to my texts as I could see where he was anyway! It was rather strange at times to discover that he was in Trafalgar Square, when I'd thought he was at a mate's in Birmingham, but that's ds!

Since he's had his new phone a few months back I've not been able to track him and I've realised it's actually made me a little less stressed. I've asked if he'll turn it on when he's travelling though. Ds doesn't drink and is one of life's survivors/very streetwise, so I do tend to assume he'll be ok.

I track dd because I can never remember her complicated social calendar which involves driving all over the country, and she's prone to car emergencies/incidents so I feel better knowing where she is!

I think in a real emergency where someone was missing, the police would be able to trace their phone anyway even if tracking wasn't on?

@crazycrofter I wasn't even sure if calling the police was an option! As he is an adult, I thought they wouldn't do anything unless the person was missing for at least 24 hours. I suppose the really out-of-it phone call might have had some influence, but wasn't sure.

Honestly, I think I've had more stress and worry with both of mine since they turned 18 than any time before!!

I think in a real emergency where someone was missing, the police would be able to trace their phone anyway even if tracking wasn't on?

I almost don't want to say what a policeman once said to us at a training session were the only to useful functions of mobile phones. This was back in the days of Nokia bricks. Parents were giving kids them to 'keep them safe' and, therefore, being far more lax about their teenagers being out and about at all hours.

The two useful functions of a mobile phone, according to the Police:

1. Hitting your assailant in the face but a bunch of keys is a better weapon
2. Tracing the dead body

Honestly, that gave me chills and still does.

Then the MI5 guy came along and told us he used phones to obsessively track his daughter's every move ' so that he would know, for example, if she was 'at the bottom of the Thames'.

We use Life360. They can all turn it off if they want to, but are usually quite happy. We have used it for directing them when they get lost occasionally 🙂 we have a friend with a serious health condition and she often goes missing - tracking is so helpful in these situations, but she often gets in a huff about it and turns it off. Then we have to call the police when she goes missing - which is even more embarrassing for her, so she turns it on again for a while....

We say that if the kids don't want us to know where they are, they should at least share with someone else (that we have contact details for!) and tell us who knows in case something happens. They all seem okay with that.

@Seeline, sorry to hear this. Hope he's ok and now tucked up in bed.
We all have iPhones, so find my id is automatically set up on all but I've never once used it.

I hope he is ok now @Seeline. What a nightmare! I am glad your DD was able to help.

We have iPhones and use Find My Phone to see where we are. We use it a lot. I normally use it to see if DD1 has left work so I know when to start dinner. But once she broke down and we used it to find her.

DD and I have shared locations on Apple, it's mutual but I am NEVER anywhere interesting. I have a deal with myself that I'm not sure I've ever shared with her that, while I might be nosey, I will never ask why she was somewhere if I only know she was there via Find My. The deal I do have with her is that she can turn it off whenever she wants, but she needs to tell me she's doing it, AND accept she'll get a lot more anxious messages asking if she got where she was going okay. We've never really used it 'in anger', but I do get reassurance from knowing she's got to places - she's driving to Birmingham on Wednesday and I will be checking (well, once I'm out of work, where I can't have my phone).

DH is Android and we share locations via Google maps, but he frequently doesn't have data on, and doesn't always take his phone with him. Which is a useful reminder that of course none of these methods tell us where our loved ones are, they tell us where their phones are!

The most unexpected location was when I woke up on a Saturday morning, looked at where DD was - expecting her halls - and she was in Edinburgh! Trampoline comp, which I knew was on, but had forgotten. I was quite glad I'd not been awake to track her journey up there. I'd rather she was on the train for those, the drinking, late nights and early mornings, and inexperienced drivers with multiple young passengers make me VERY nervous.

As an aside, the trampoline club has really taken off in her absence. She hopes it'll continue when she's back, although she's a bit anxious about all the new faces. I've told her she should be proud of herself for keeping it going through her second year so it still existed for all those new people to join - they had literally the minimum number of committee people to keep it going last year, now they have a media secretary and official photographer!

@Seeline What a relief you found him. Spiking is just petrifying. I hope he is okay now?

We don't track each other or DS. Never have done. Have had conversations and came down on the side of he was entitled to his privacy and I would dislike being tracked (DH would be on it all the time), and even more so when I was a teenager. However, I realise now with younger people they all know where each other are with Snapchat or whatever app is in favour. It's become their norm. Maybe we should revisit the conversation. I don't know now he's lived away for over two years.

@EwwSprouts I think I didn't worry so much when he was at uni as he was always with friends who all lived in the same house or very nearby. Now he's back home, his friends are spread all round London/Surrey so he frequently has to get home on his own. Presumably, most of his mates would either take him back with them if he was in the state he was in at the weekend, but he was with new work mates who don't know him that well. To be fair they did put him in an Uber - it was once he got dropped off that the real problem occurred.

@EwwSprouts I get you completely, and there is no right or wrong answer. If my mum had known even 1% of what I got up to when younger, she couldn't handle the rebel child that she knew at the best of times.

It really is so dependent on what the objective is for a family, but not at the expense of any member feeling 'snooped upon'. I think the danger in an already risk adverse media world driven by weknowsomuchmore is that we scare the heeby jeebies out of our youngsters, or project too much onto them. The cases of what happened to @Seeline's boy, or my friend's daughter are rare, but it seems, growing. But like many on here, sometimes, what we don't know is better, if the outcome is 'woah, close shave but I'm ok' then that's ok, or not, who knows.

I don't know what the answer is and try really, really hard not to fall into the snooping, as we're way past all of that now and we just don't mention it unless one of us say something like 'leave the house when I'm at White City' type mundane nonsense.

I may also check it when I know she's taking a 12 hour through the night bus trip to a tourist destination, which has been quite the norm where she is. Because I've been awoken by a nightmare of the coach driver falling asleep at the wheel, or the bus being stopped for random passport check point in high risk area of hostage abductions (both these things have happened in last 4 months) but I have not shared this with DD, nor do I want to project my 'what ifs' onto her.

@ealingwestmum Thanks for the thoughtful response. Your DC are way more adventurous than most and I can completely appreciate the peace of mind it brings to you. I would worry hugely if DS was travelling alone off the beaten track. Maybe I'll initiate a conversation over Christmas. He'll be driving back late nights, down country lanes, from his bar job.

ps, I know both Mummyinbeds and Delphigirl's DD's are in far flung places too, the shit happens really can be anywhere, including on a National Express on the M1. In DD's incident, the driver actually called himself in and a replacement was waited for at a services. Somewhere in the Sahara region near Libya...

😲Yikes!

Hi everyone! Gosh seeline I’m so sorry to hear about your DS - frightening. I’m glad he is ok.
We have never tracked each others phones as a family. Having said that I think my 4 kids all have each other on Snapchat so they obviously don’t mind exposing their locations to each other. And they could provide me with location info for their siblings if I really needed to know. But through gap year travels etc I’ve never known where they are to the nearest 1000 miles sometimes. It just isn’t what we do.
speaking of which, dd2 is returning from her Peru/bolivia experience tomorrow (I’m SO excited!) - and she hasn’t even had a phone with her so find my iPhone wouldn’t have helped 🤣🤣🤣. Her last contact was an email 3 weeks ago so I’m just pitching up at Heathrow tomorrow and hoping she turns up..!

Oooooh Ealing that border region near Libya is SUPER sketchy 😱😱😱😱