My Son moved out and I'm devastated....

[chapman154]

My 23 year old son moved out yesterday. I knew it was coming. His older brother moved out 4 years ago and that was really sad for me but I got used to it, I still had this one. I have been a single parent for most of their lives, their Dad died 10 years ago, we weren't together but I have always put them first and never bothered with a relationship for myself.

The younger one has always been more like my little mate. we did all sorts together, always played games, visited places. watched films and I always felt I was closer to him , maybe because he had been the baby? Nothing was ever too much trouble for him and he always made me feel better about myself. They both do.

Anyway he told me 6 months ago he wanted to go and I was devastated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a clingy Mum, I think I've done a great job with both of them but I thought I would have had him a little longer and I started to get scared about being on my own. I even joined a couple of dating sites in January ( at the suggestion of my oldest son) but apart from a couple of weirdos and a coffee with someone who was more Partridge than Alan, no one is interested in a 51 year old woman. My friends can't understand why I am alone, though it has been by choice for the majority of it but I think I'm too late to the game now, my best years are gone in bringing up my sons.

Yesterday after we took his bed, which felt very symbolic as we have been moving loads of other stuff all week, I came back to the house , blasted the music up loud and transformed the room which was once his gaming head quarters into a lovely office / craft/ sewing room. I managed it in 4 hours, I switched off he music and then the loneliness hit me like a tidal wave...... I have been sobbing on and off since. The rooms have echoes and this only enhances the emptiness of the house and how I feel inside. He also helped me out money wise with the bills and rent so now I am literally on my backside and will struggle to get through each month...... I can survive on little to eat but I crave company and knowing someone is there. I locked every door early, last night as I am scared of being on my own, I have never lived by myself in my whole life and am sitting here crying asking myself ' What do I do now?'

My son has just text saying how he still needs to get some things for his flat and it took all my determination not to answer with asking him to come back. I didn't but I really wanted to and I know it wouldn't be fair to him. I know I have to let him go and all I ever wanted for both of them is to be happy, which I believe they are but I am so sad and lonely and can't stop crying. I just don't know where to turn. I was supposed to go and visit my mother today but I have called off as I feel like I can't leave the house as I keep crying at the mere sight of something reminding me of my son, he hasn't even moved that far away but at this moment, nothing can fill the void he has left behind. This feels like a death and I think I am grieving that they don't need me anymore after I have devoted my life to them.
Sorry if my post has gone on a bit but I can't talk to anyone about this without turning into a blubbering mess. I hold quite a responsible job in a school and am on half term at the moment which is just as well as I wouldn't be able to cope.

[Legallybleachblonde]

Oh OP this has brought tears to my eyes! You poor thing. I am 49 and on my own with my little boy, but he is only 5. I hope another poster comes along in a minute who has been in a similar situation and can help you. You've been a rock for your boys but it's time to live your life. Forget about finding a man at the moment. Have you got friends you can talk to? Keep the tv or radio on in the background at all times. This might sound silly but when my husband left, I used to have the Only Fools and Horses box set on all the time (even if I wasnt sat watching it) because it was familiar and therefore comforting. What you are experiencing is exactly like a bereavement and I think counselling will help you enormously. Can you get referred from your GP? I really feel for you. Think of the excellent job you have done in raising these young men and enabling them to go out into the big wide world. Your life can begin now - baby steps - and of course it's possible. Your boy has moved out; he's still your son, he's still close by and you are the most important person in his life! Take care of yourself and one day at a time. You can do this xx

[RaininSummer]

They still need you but in a different way as you have given the strength and independence to move onto adult life. At 51 you have loads of time for new adventures and new people but it will take a bit of getting used to.

Try to join more things so you can get out. You won't meet a man there but the Women's Institute can be great fun and mine has many outings to join in with. I would suggest a dog for company but see that you work out of the house too much probably but you could still join the ramblers or a local group to get out an about. It's not the end of something, it's the beginning. Remember to invite sons for dinner etc.

[RaininSummer]

Go to the cinema - yes on your own if nobody can join you. Eat sandwiches on your lap for tea in front of the TV. Actually when i worked in a school a lady was alone most of the time because of her offshore partner and she used to write a proposed theatre trip etc on the staff notice board and we would all sign up to go with her. Worth a try? Also start a new home based hobby - you won't have to be tidy and spend as much time as you want on it as housework can wait.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

It’s a complete shift OP and sounds very difficult. Do you work?

[TheABC]

At 50, you still have half your life left!

To start with, look around for groups to join, from rambling to singing. You could also advertise for a female lodger or arrange for craft classes as a way to increase your income and interaction.

Its OK to be sad as it's the end of an era. But it's also OK to look forward to more time for yourself and try new things.

Good luck.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Volunteering! People always needed everywhere in all sorts of roles.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Money wise would you be able to access benefits, reduction on council tax?

It must be very hard for you OP to adjust to your new way of life, so take it gently. Enjoy your new craft room, I find craft a very good way of relaxing and taking my mind off things. Are there any local craft groups you can join?

[hamstersarse]

Your boys sound lovely...

And just think, the sooner they are set up independently, the sooner the grand children will arrive

It’s just a transition, other life pleasure await!

[Bagofoldbones]

Ah

Time to pick yourself up and plan your next chapter. What an amazing parent you must have been to be so close to your sons and that they were loving and kind.

This really is the next chapter for you. You’ll probably be a grandmother in the not to far future and your house will be filled with kids and toys again.

My eldest 24 lives in Dubai. I was sobbing when I took her to the airport as she was walking away because it was the end of an era but I knew another one was about to start. I take great pride and also admiration at what a marvellous adult she has become and I know a big part of that was down to me.

Same for you.

Do you work? Can you do more hours? If you don’t work how about doing some charity work?

Also stay of the online dating apps they are full of freaks!

Would you be interested in joking a salsa class or some sports classes where you can meet groups of people? Have you a dog where you can join dog walking groups?

My dgm bought a dog when my granddad passed and honestly it’s like her second child and goes no where with out him.

Also OP this is the first time you’ve really been alone since your husband passed so grief feelings about him might be coming to the surface too.


Things will be ok

[FauxFox]

What about getting a lodger? You can perhaps host a foreign student for the summer to test it out, it seems like the perfect solution - company and some extra cash too? Or even becoming a foster carer? It sounds like you are a wonderful parent.

Don't be sad, you're a lovely caring person and i'm sure there are so many people who would be so grateful to share a bit of the space in your home and your life.

[BitOfFun]

My ears pricked up at your sewing/craft room- what have you got planned?

Have a look at local quilting classes etc.- you're unlikely to meet any men, but there will be loads of women your age who could probably write a book on empty nests, who will offer good laughs and friendship.

[CurbsideProphet]

From a practical point of view have you had a look at what you might be entitled to ie. help with rent and council tax? At the very least you will be be entitled to a reduction in your council tax.

Change can always be difficult. Hopefully you will take comfort from seeing your son happy in the new chapter of his life. He sounds a very kind son to have given you 6 months to get used to the idea.

[VanGoghsDog]

no one is interested in a 51 year old woman

I had my second date with my now dp on my 51st birthday last year. :)

I can't comment on your boys going, my dp was the opposite, he couldn't wait to get rid of them and have some space. They are about the same ages. He's very close to them (mother passed away years ago) but he doesn't want to live with them.

[Fairylea]

I feel so sad reading your post. I can imagine I will feel exactly the same in the future!

No idea if this is something you’d consider but how about taking in a lodger or even a foreign student host family type thing? Bit of company and extra money. My mum did this and she actually bonded really well with the students and they all thought a lot of her (of course this might not be an option- we lived in London). She had two students in a bedroom.

This is a period of change for you and it will take time to adjust. Be kind to yourself x

[MaidenMotherCrone]

And just think, the sooner they are set up independently, the sooner the grand children will arrive

Not everyone is craving grandchildren.

I completely understand OP. He's been a massive part of your everyday life for so long, his presence was your normal.

You will develop a new normal. It'll be different but that doesn't mean it'll be bad.

Don't for one second believe you are beyond meeting someone. I got married at 50 .
Get used to being you for a bit, new things (and people) will come into your life. It won't feel empty for long.

[Bagofoldbones]

And 50 IS the new 40!!

[partofthepeanutgallery]

I'm sorry you're sad, OP. But try to focus on the fantastic parenting job you've done: you've raised two lovely considerate boys who can support themselves.

I will be reminding myself of that down the line.

[chapman154]

Thank you for your swift and kind replies. I do have friends but they are all younger and have young children, their journeys are just beginning :-) I get out from time to time and have visited the cinema alone a few times. It's just not the same sitting there by yourself. It's also expensive so I stay at home with Netflix :-)( which my oldest son pays for) I would love to get out more but everything costs money, local rambling groups ( I have looked into this) charge for mini buses and lunches which I cannot afford. There are very few free events going on locally for me so I have to cut my coat according to my cloth.

I have cats that keep me company though at the moment keep going into my sons empty room and coming straight out again, probably due to the lack of a bed in there ;-) and I already make felt rock n roll dolls...sorry I sound like I am being flippant with your suggestions, which I'm not and I know you are correct about it being a new beginning, I was just happy with the old way it was.

I also sound like I'm desperate to meet a man, I'm not, It's 7 years since I went on a date ( I'm not counting coffee with Partridge) so I am in no rush, It's company more than anything I crave. When I return to work next week I will be busy and hopefully not have time to think about it. I am going to try and get both my sons to come on different nights for tea initially so that will break up the momentum.
I appreciate the time and effort you have made to reply to me and advise me on what to do....ironically all my friends usually come to me for advice as apparently I am really good at giving unbiased and helpful judgement on a situation, probably what helps me excel at my job.

[quirrels]

chapman154 Oh you poor thing . It's very hard to let them go. We all do it. We plaster on a smile and tell them how excited we are for their new life, and we mean it of course. We've done our job, and it sounds like you did a great job. They mustn't know how much it hurts.
It was sad when mine went to uni. Then DC1 came home for a year before moving into his own place. DC2 has also bounced back home after uni but will be leaving as soon as he gets a job. I am not looking forward to it.

I think you know it will get better and I think you also probably know all the things you can do to fill your life. It's the end of an era but they will be back from time to time.

[Idonttrackpeas]

Hand hold from me OP. I felt exactly the same when my DS left. I cried for weeks and couldn't bear to walk past his room let alone go into it. But time did help, and now he is in regular contact, with odd funny little messages and pictures of what he has to eat. It's just an adjustment. I'd say it took about a year before I felt like my old self again. And you're right, it is like a death, and not just because they're gone, but because you feel you've lost your role and meaning. I'm sorry you're struggling for money, do you have a local pub near you that might give you a few evenings of bar work that might cover getting out with the Ramblers? Both are good ways to meet people and share your experiences. Good luck OP

[Sarahlou63]

I would urge you to consider a lodger (of either sex!). The right person can add so much to your life and vica versa. In the past I've had long term lodgers - male and female at different times - who have become real friends.

[WalkingOutOfFlabbiness]

Have you got equity you can release in your house? Could you get a flat instead if so? Could you rent it out and go and work abroad for a while, or get a lodger or do something either fun or that makes you wealthier. Are you working at the moment? You are only 51! I think you have forgotten this:)

[chapman154]

Thanks again for the replies.

I have already toyed with the foreign student exchange idea as my neighbour does it, this is why I have kept the digital TV box in there as an added bonus. It will take a bit of time to get the room in order for anyone to rent it and I will have to repair the damage he has left :-) and furnish it again. This will possibly take my mind off him as well, it's just in the quieter times or silly little things that remind me of him.
Tea time is the worse when he doesn't come home from work..... and I've only experienced it once but I suppose it will become the new normal......

You've all been brilliant and I feel a little better, I may even attempt a new doll :-)

[CormoranStrike]

You’ve had some lovely here.

Can I see a pic of one of your dolls? They sound amazing.

[goatsgalore]

Could you look into having an exchange student so the house doesn't feel empty?