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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

My 19 year old daughters boyfriends mum does not like my daughter

37 replies

hon12 · 10/08/2019 07:13

My daughter is 19 years old has a boyfriend who she loves and he loves her, they seem to be serious. They met a university. She quiet, studies hard, works and in her first relationship. He is the complete opposite, they have a good relationship. My daughter has met his mother for the second time when she went to stay at his house. The family are very loud and like to show off about holidays and what they have. My daughter has been brought up the complete opposite to be understated and humble. The mother has been picking holes in my daughter telling the son, she finds my daughter not very sociable because she is quiet, saying how there is a barrier between them, her and my daughter. The mother complained about every little thing that my daughter did.My daughter said she the mother hardly spoke to her did not really show any interest in her and did not make her feel welcome. Not like I did when I met her boyfriend. My daughter got told all this by her boyfriend and now my daughter does not like his mum, feels very nervous around her. I will be seeing the parents tomorrow when I collect my daughters belongings from university. How am I going to act in front of the mum, when I feel like i really just want to say how dare you! She is so upset, how is her relationship really going to last?

OP posts:
NaturalBornWoman · 10/08/2019 09:23

Yes no one is good enough for her son i feel.

If he comes from a loud extrovert type of family and your daughter is quiet and anxious it wouldn't be unusual or wrong for a mother to question how this relationship might pan out though. You've said yourself they're complete opposites. Just because she has reservations about whether your daughter is the right match it doesn't mean that no one is good enough. You both want your child's happiness.

RonnieScotts · 10/08/2019 09:27

He is young and probably not yet mature enough to stand up to his mum, but I fear he has a life ahead of him of his mum controlling, judging And interfering. Your DD is probably the first of many relationships his mum will destroy before he finally learns to stand up to her.

You just concentrate on supporting your DD emotionally and being a non-judgemental and loving DM, the rest will work itself out.

Aus84 · 10/08/2019 09:43

My mother has always had a lot to say about my partners. She had a lot to say about my DH before I married him. No doubt, his mother had some opinions about me. I never told DH about my mums initial judgements. She loves him now and they have a great relationship. Your DDs boyfriend is the dick in this situation. What does he stand to gain telling her these things?

Lllot5 · 10/08/2019 09:53

She’s 19 it’s extremely unlikely that he is ‘the one’. Boyfriend probably shouldn’t have said anything but he did so you are where you are.
Leave it be.
In ten years she’ll struggle to remember his name. Flowers

Original poster
hon12 · 10/08/2019 10:38

My daughter has said that she will speak with his mother and see if they can find some common ground.

OP posts:
Original poster
hon12 · 10/08/2019 10:39

it is obviously not going to come from the mother to make an effort.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 10/08/2019 10:43

I don't like him either. There's ways and means of saying things: "my mum finds you very quiet" would make me try and chat to her more. "My mum doesn't like you" .... Sad

NaturalBornWoman · 10/08/2019 11:18

My daughter has said that she will speak with his mother and see if they can find some common ground.

Oh for heaven's sake, what an escalation! They've met twice, they don't know each other yet, they're 19! She should just be herself, chat normally and it will either work out or it won't. It's highly unlikely he'll turn out to be her life partner at this age and actually if she already doesn't like his family or approve of their values as per your opening post, it's best all round if it doesn't go anywhere.

Medievalist · 10/08/2019 11:38

Totally agree with NaturalBornWoman

Holidaysmoliday · 10/08/2019 11:45

Boyfriend is not behaving well
Think through what he has said and what possible good could come of it

Encourage your DD to value herself and not care about opinions so long as she is sure she is a good person it doesn’t matter a jot what they think

She should just be herself. Onus is on that family to make her feel welcome.

But there is def a boyfriend issue here

And you need to stop being judgy too. Of him and his family.

snitzelvoncrumb · 10/08/2019 11:47

I wouldn't worry too much, you don't have to stay long.
When I was that age I had a boyfriend who's mum really didn't like me, and didn't hide it. We thought we would be together forever, and like lots of teens that age it didn't last.

Holidaysmoliday · 10/08/2019 11:47

And FWIW I’ve not been keen on a few of the kids BF and GF
I won’t bend over backwards to connect with them- I welcome them at home and let them all get on with it

They aren’t my partners and until a formal commitment is made I’m not going to gush over them and bond deeply

The mum might simply have said she’s a bit quiet when the BF asked her opinion and in an attempt to change how she acts the BF has embellished this

He’s the issue tbh

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