So upset

[rachelw73]

I just need some validation that I'm not over reacting really.

This morning I woke up to a flurry of messages off family informing me that my own daughter had announced her engagement on Facebook! Her bf had asked her last night and instead of waiting till morning to let me know she put it on fb and I had to find out that way! I'm so angry but she's acting like it's not a big deal and that I've ruined her engagement! I'm actually doubting my own sanity right now

What daphne said, it is hurtful but young people don't rate family so much.

I did that. Honestly, it was not intended as a big announcement, we just tweaked our status, and it didn’t occur to us we needed to ring round the parents first. No offence was meant.

I'd be upset too so don't question your sanity OP, having said that nothing would surprise me with my ds and as they live their lives via social media it will most likely become the norm!

You helped her out of an abusive relationship but want her to be with the kind of man who seeks permission from your husband to marry his daughter as though she was a possession and? That is some fucked up thinking.

We no longer tell my side of the family anything before FB because we told them and they announced on FB my first pregnancy, our engagement and that I was in labour! That's a different issue though, I bet my mum still moans though.

And my husband was expressly told by me NOT to ask permission. I walked myself up the aisle too.

Thank goodness she isn't with the kind of man who needs to ask permission from someone else to marry her.
I can see how it would hurt finding out at the same time as everyone else but I think you need to let it go.

I think it was very thoughtless of her to put it on fb before telling you OP. But she probably didnt.think, hurtful as that seems. Some young people forget that not everybody is glued to their phones 24/7. Don't make a big fuss but maybe ask her nicely if she could at least remember to text you when something.huge happens before.hitting social media.

Announcing the engagement on social meeja before telling one’s parents is a bit thoughtless, but it’s nowhere near as selfish as the parents having a petulant tantrum about it and ruining the occasion.

Stop making this about YOU and be happy for your daughter.

Asking the father for the daughters hand - what if the father says no? If it isn’t sexist, then why does the sons eife not ask the father for her husbands hand.

Johnnyfinland - each to their own. We’d be concerned if an engagement came out of the blue. We are involved in our adult children’s lives and those of their partners. Partly that’s financial but money is not the driving force. Their partners families are also involved in their lives.
It goes a bit deeper than the odd polite visit - and long may that last.
It’s about using our networks to help them in their careers, providing a (hopefully) wise counsel, supporting when life is tough (and as junior doctors and young military officers, life can sometimes be very tough). It’s about overt approval and validation of their choices. It’s also about house deposits, furniture, decorating, gardening, wedding costs, holidays and helping with unexpected costs.
We have lots of involvement in their lives but that’s their choices. It’s lovely.

I don't think you're wrong to be hurt! I'm 26 and when I got engaged earlier this year, we didn't tell anyone until the morning after and the first people I told was my mum and then our other parents.

It's just about respect and actually sharing that excitement with family, changing a Facebook status to engaged is fine but I don't get why it would be okay to expect your own mum to find out that way. It doesn't take much to send a text or make a quick phone call, but it's done now!

Enjoy celebrating her engagement with her and I hope any sadness over not being told properly blows over soon for you.

I really don't think that it's ok :( and to the pp who say that's just what young people are like these days stop making excuses for them!!
With any huge event like this surely everyone, regardless of age, makes sure all their family know before anything is announced on fb?
OP I would be fuming too. Although I would leave it for now as I'm sure your daughter will realise that it was out of order in time. Bloody Facebook is the source of all evil.

CherryPavlova omg are you Crumbs with a new username????

It's a special moment and means the world to me but ppl who she barely knows knew before her close family!

I think YANBU to feel hurt and upset, but I think YWBU to take the shine off her news by being angry with her.

I hope you can both resolve this and get round to celebrating!

I’d be upset OP. Think some pp are getting a kick out of making you feel bad.

I'm so sorry that your daughter did this OP - I would also have been devastated if my DD had announced her engagement to all and sundry before telling me. My DD does announce other stuff on social media though. One day your grandchild may do the same to your daughter. You haven't ruined her engagement - she's done it herself by her thoughtlessness.

Op I do feel your anger, I'd feel hurt too and I'm not even old fashioned! Majority of the posters going against you wouldn't have liked it if a lot of important moments surrounding their family members were posted on fb without first being informed!
Just play koool and let them enjoy their moment. It's nice to know that there are still people like you around who care about respect . I too recently found out something from a very close friend via fb which she never shared with me until two weeks after the posting. I didn't say anything to her but since then I have devalued our friendship. Chin up and celebrate with her

We've made up xx

Quite shocked at the nasty comments I got to be honest lol the asking her dads permission is just a daft family tradition where the dad obviously says yes then takes him for a beer good times lol

She's sorry for being a bit thoughtless and I'm sorry for over reacting and because we are close it's all forgiven and we can now celebrate her and her lovely fiancés news eeeek!!!!!!

Just hope I don't find out in the future that I'm going to be a granny via fb 😂😂

She's sorry for being a bit thoughtless and I'm sorry for over reacting and because we are close it's all forgiven and we can now celebrate her and her lovely fiancés news eeeek!!!!!!

Lovely news OP, time for a celebration! there’s no champagne emoji so gin will have to do

I'm be upset its totally understandable your bound to be hurt. Cant believe people saying no big deal. Really?

Ah that's nice to hear OP. Not worth having a major tiff over. Crack the bubbles and celebrate!

....re: negatives, it's because you've officially become someone's MIL-to-be. MILs always get a hard time on MN. I'm dreading becoming one for the virtual negative press.

I don't think that you have any RIGHT to be told before the rest of the world @rachelw73

However I think it's KIND to tell those people closest to you, your closest family and best friends, about the news first

I think young people can be quite unkind, sometimes, totally unintentionally

And with social media being so immediate and young people being used to the immediacy of life, the thought of holding off announcements until family is informed, can be something which is completely forgotten