My Child ?

[decentchap]

I know one of my children is not genetically linked to me.
I hate deceit and betrayal and will leave if I can even though I am older.
I broached the subject, my wife lied and I have nothing left. I knew from day 1 he wasnt ;mine' genetically but it wasnt his fault. He's lmid twenties now and I feel the betrayal needs to be exposed.
As women what do you think ? Careful I may become a mysoginist.

I have never and will never need 'counselling' its a methodology of thinking things through logically - I can do that without help - I have a very strong grip on 'normal' and 'reality'.
Yerauntfanny has strong but considerate advice - thanks for that. By the way any of you have cycles that last for 3 months ? its a genetic impossibility. I said early on that I asked my wife, she just became very angry and asked me to leave - I still anguish over my response, despite me KNOWING. We have always agreed that shewould look after the finances - we are reasonably well off.
I do not however, despite having asked many times , know the full detail of our finances. I doubt others would accept that without calling it something worthy of criticism.
My time will however come or not and I will simply go, despite it causing me a LOT of pain - I will not let the children down in other than this.
I wonder how many of you would tolerate a man having fathered another child in your marriage - be fair.

Thanks Sally an honest answer is worth the reason for posting at all.

It's estimated that 10% of fathers are not the actual fathers. It's quite common and women have varied reasons for not being honest. You had a choice all those years ago to confront this, you made a choice to live with it. Talk to your wife or leave, make the choice that suits you now. You can't change the past but if you are unhappy then you have to do something.

I don't think your son's genetics are the issue here. The issue is you don't want to be in this relationship with your wife any more. These are completely separate things.

So, same advice a woman here would get in this situation. Get your ducks in a row, collect bank statements and financial info, get your free half hour advice from a lawyer and leave.

This my last post. Apart from a couple there are posts which seek to excuse the infidelity - as if you would do that were it your husband, you need to become honest with yourself. There simply is no excuse.
None of the 'innocents' in this asked to be here I did not ask to be betrayed so close to the wedding to the woman I loved and changed my life for.
I know what I will do when I can - that's enough. Thank you all for your input whether considerate and helpful or 'grow up and get on with it',
I hope none of you face this.

If you are unhappy, leave.

Having said that, if you have parented your son for 20+ years then he is your son and you are his father in all the ways that count. The genetics between you is not the problem; the deceit/your mistrust is.

You have to carefully consider what you are losing and what your life going forward might look like.

Btw, I hate, hate, hate the excuse of 'I don't want to hurt anybody' and it is a fucking excuse: feeling will get hurt whether you stay or not, so either stay because you want to and stop picking this particular scab, or have the honesty and decency to go rather than carry this bitterness around with you.
And I am saying this as the cheated on spouse of an unfaithful partner.

What response did you actually want Chap ?

You asked us what we think but you didn't ask any questions. Nobody said you haven't been betrayed. Nobody said you shouldn't leave. What exactly were you expecting to read here?

Haffdonga - the questions are obvious - put yourself, gender aside, in this exact position. What was I expecting to read ? A less than selfish understanding. I didnt get it. Thank you.

I don't understand the whole story. You have known for twenty years that your son isn't yours but why has it become a problem now after all this time? I know from experience that it hurts to your core to be cheated on but if it was twenty years ago what changed now? Only you can decide if you want to continu the relationship or not. You do not need agreement or reasons from us if you can't see a future for you both anymore. Equally you can also decide to see someone together or alone to figure out how to go forward. After such a long relationship it could be a good idea to explore if it is salvable. You can always choose to break up, there is no rush.

To answer your original question: I need to have faith in my husbands character. If I can't believe that he will treat me right in the future then I can't continu the relationship.

I would like to add that I have irregular cycles and normally have cycles of anything between 5 weeks and four months. The longest one I've had was seven months. A dna test would be better than an estimate of someones cycle. You really want to be sure about this

I don't think your son's genetics are the issue here

I think they are - your son has a different genetic makeup and therefore may well not know his biological back ground as far as health goes - so many problems are related to family make up.

He has a right to know

How you go about that is more important assuming you want to keep the relationship intact

I too agree that a DNA test would be the best way to start going about this..
Someone mentioned in an earlier post about finding out ancestry, that's a great way to go about it I think, it won't just be you coming out & saying "son, after 20 + years, I'm not 100% sure your mine"
But however you go about it, there are feelings that are going to be massively hurt, which you obviously know.
I can't imagine myself in your position, so couldn't imagine what's going through your Mind,
Being mid twenties myself, I cannot imagine the man I thought was my Dad coming out and saying "your mother cheated on me 20 years ago & I don't know if I'm your father" I wouldn't know how to react. I'd have sympathy, but I'd be really hurt that nobody told me sooner & id feel almost like i had been a Lie, a cover up, a little secret to try and hold a marriage together.
I know it's hard to bite your tongue, but don't destroy your sons Life after all these years, he does have the right to know, but you need to be smart with how this comes out.
If it was me I'd do the "let's find out about our past" option, and if your instincts are right, let it come out that way. Your Son is never going to forget that Moment.
Does he have children too? Just be careful of how many lives this is going to affect..
I feel for you OP I really do, I read your post last night and couldn't get it out of my mind, so apologies in advance for me adding in my 2 cents, I couldn't leave it without saying anything.
Just be Careful OP.

The title of your thread is "My adult child?" But you do not refer to your son at all really.
Do you love him? Really, truly love him?
How does it matter who use DNA he has if you've been his daddy since day 1?
Or have you always known, and resented him? Does he feel a barrier between you?
That poor man.

Misogyny doesn't come into it- it was the actions of one person towards another.
If you're betrayed by your wife, it's hardly your son's fault. Leave her, by all means, but if you love him, don't break his heart.

I meant the son's genetics are not the root of how the OP feels about being his father (although of course they are ).
Of course they are VERY relevant wrt to health etc.

One of my cousins is adopted and therefore not genetically related to either of his parents, but they are very much his parents and he is their son.

This is all about how the OP feels about being cheated on (totally understandably) and I think he needs to works out what he wants to do about his feelings rather than fretting about whether or not his son shares his DNA.

By the way any of you have cycles that last for 3 months ? its a genetic impossibilityactually it isn't. Way tmi but when I am regular I have periods every 3 months. That meant when I spoke to nurse and said I thought I was about 4/5 weeks, her computer said I was 12 and I got rushed for an emergency scan. Baby was indeed 6 weeks not 13. Science fact.