trampoline dilemma - do you let all the neighbours children use yours?

[shrub]

we bought a trampoline for our ds's (5 and 2 years) which they love. the problem at the beginning was our next door neighbours daughter wanting to use it, not a friend of ds and was also expecting my 3rd baby so explained not at the moment as i would find it difficult supervising other peoples children/health and safety etc. she said no problem - she would supervise! (don't really want other people in my gardenstill said no but gradually over the holidays felt like the selfish giant and in order to be more sociable having only lived here a year relented and now have all the children from the surrounding neighbourhood all wanting to go on it - not only get the neighbours children but their friends aswell who aren't even friends of ds. they don't even say 'can we play with *?' they just come out with 'can we play on the trampoline?' feel i should have been more assertive from the beginning as find it difficult to say no at the best of times especially to children. when i say not at the moment etc. they then just stare over the wall and watch us using it!
anyone had this problem?

Message withdrawn

i wanna know where she lives, too. The British are so possessive about their personal space, can't believe that people around you think this is seriously on, shrub.

For a while my old house was a kind of drop-in point for local kids (age 4-6). But only as long as I didn't mind, I kicked them out whenever it suited me, and they had to play very nicely and 100% by my rules or I chucked them out the door.

I think Steiner ideas have a lot of good- and where they are very mainstream - as in say Germany they're not too wild. They can just be a little bit OTT here. Although it depends on the school. When I was having a dreadful time (pre - dx) with ds1 in London the local Steiner parent and toddler (always parent - not mother!) was the only place we could go- they were very supportive and very welcoming and for that I'll always be grateful.

The place shrub is talking about appears a bit more insular, although I think there are some good things about the school. (visited a few times- looked into it for ds2)

Scatter your garden with plastic toys? I do see your dilemma- it's a tricky one.

fqueenzebra - guess you've hit the nail on the head - i said to my dh this is more about us wanting to fit in than ds1.

It is normal where she lives......

IN fact was round my friend's house about 20 miles from Shrub- not quite as Steinerey- and all the kids are in and out of each others garden. Akways a problem as ds1 legs it out as soon as the gate it opened- so I glue myself to him. It does has its advantages - I grew up like that as well. Missed it when at my friends but then was pleased we don;t live there as we couldn't do that having ds1 so would have stuck out iyswim.

Hmmm. Not having a garden has its advantages.

cod - devon
jimjams - found the school you mentioned is heavily into landmark forum/education/est, hence its rather insular nature!

It was a noticebale diifference- and I knew a number of people with kids at the school- goodness knows what it would be like if you didn't.

Erect a giant TV screen in the garden and scatter plastic toys everywhere. That should put off the Steiners.

Seriously I would just say sorry, no, it's dangerous and I'm not insured. It's for your own benefit, go to a local playscheme if you want to bounce.

Sounds like fitting in is causing you a lot of problems, I'd just fit out in that case. They are taking the P*. Would you let your neighbours come in and watch your TV or have a lie down on your bed whenever they wanted?

By the way there are lots of Steiner people in my street and they are quite cliquey! No way would they impose on a non-Steiner neighbour like that. In our previous house, our Steiner neighbours ignored us for 9 years! Despite our friendliness and everyday greetings. Just bloody rude I thought. Or maybe it's us that are bad neighbours?

plastic footballs on the trampolene, deffo.

i love the idea of an open door policy having been brought up in a similar setting but the reality with 3 ds's 5 and under and trying to be 3 different people and in 3 different places at once a bit tricky at the moment. some days i just want to lollop about in my pj's and not be sociable - actually thats most days at the moment! god i sound like a real miserable bugger and i am lucky that i have a garden and a trampoline - i always seem to get myself into these situations that i can't say no to but its getting silly that i can't say no to a gaggle of children!

I've got 3 under 6, also, and I feel very nervous if we have just a single child to visit (and it's only me to supervise). I just feel too responsible for other people's kids, the trouble they could get into. I'd be mortified if anything happened. And it's very difficult to supervise all of mine plus any more.....

DH has point-blank refused to supervise our 3 plus a visitor, I think he's entirely typical and sensible to think it's a lot of responsibility.

wordsmith - a friend (normal) at the school was told not to let her children play with non-steiner so don't take it personally - i don't think this is their policy now but i was only there for a short while

Shrub it is so easy to get sucked into the 'open house' scenario but at the end of the day it is YOUR home and YOU have a lot on your plate ATM. If you explain it to the parents like that they should understand. If they don't then they are just plain ignorant. You are not being antisocial you are being completely reasonable.

tell em to sod off and buy one.

Succinct and to the point as usual! I agree.

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Ah, now I have the opposite viewpoint on this. I hate our neighbours' trampoline, and the way they don't allow my ds2 go on it. No, I am not expecting my son to have an open invitation to their house, but there are ways and ways of saying 'no' to a five year old. The neighbours parents have IMO been very insensitive and haven't laid down ground rules so neighbourhood children know where they stand. Their own children seem to be on a power trip in issueing invites to children. Their friends have to be in their favour to get an invite and they will half invite then say 'no' to tease them. They way they invite needs adult supervision and this seems totally lacking.

The trampoline family have a 5 year old son and amongst the neighbourhood children, my son and he tend to team up. The boys did quarrel a bit, and the other boy is an awful tell tale, but leaving aside this, they were friends. Until the day the trampoline arrived, they played together several times a week in our house or theirs. My son has shared lots of his toys with the other boy.

As soon as the trampoline arrived, the boy just disappeared. You can imagine how that upset my ds. He totally expected the boy would ask him round to have a go on his new trampoline, but it didn't happen for weeks and weeks. ds could see and hear him and his family bouncing away next door, and see exactly what friends were invited to have a go on the trampoline - sadly not ds. You can imagine the tears and hurt.

All it needed was for the parents to explain to my ds the general rules for inviting children round (assuming there were any). As it was for weeks my ds thought his friend didn't like him any more and just wanted to show off his new toy to get one over on him. To be honest, as the parents didn't say anything to him that's what it seemed to me as well.

Now the trampoline if less of a novelty, ds is not so bothered, but I had to take him on countless trips to the park to get him away from the area, when the trampline season was at it's height. If only the parents had been more considerate, my son would have been saved a lot of needless heartache.

Ah shrub that's what I meant. I like the idea of open door thing as well- but there's no way we could do it because ds1 needs a locked garden with high fencing to be able to play at all unsupervised. So I'm actually pleased that we live in an area where it doesn't happen because we couldn't do it.

I think it would be reasonable (even for Steinerey's) to say that you are concerned about the safety aspect. I know they're big into tree houses etc, but trampolines are a bit different, and do require supervision - particularly when lots of children are using them. Perhaps say "of course they're welcome to come over and play with the children- and from the sounds of it they probably won't anyway. Then you look sociable but concerned.

Otherwise goo out for the day and come and bounce on our trampline

after my rant this morning, another thing occurred to me.

Trampoline family's children range in ages from 15 to 5 years old. They all make use of the trampoline - we hear them bouncing away on it from 8.00am to well after 10.00pm at night many times a week. The allure of the thing is very powerful.

Now I know my two sons would love a trampoline in our garden - love it for all of a week at most. They have said so themselves.

I am amazed these neighbourning children can still be so in love with it, three months on. Is this unusual?

My neighbour is an ex steiner pupil and she tries to take the pi*s out of me whenever she can, she is even using my bloody garden at the moment. Explains a lot.

Tigermoth we have a trampolene and my kids are on it every day... not usually after 8pm, though. Neighbour has a 5yo in DS1's class, I am sensitive to not being a bad example to him (even though neighbour's boy needs more sleep than my children).

Yes, they do seem a lot of fun (we've had ours 5 months & the kids still love it).

However my neighbour (as it happens) had a trampolene for 5 months before us, and although I would loved some invites for my kids to use it, they weren't forthcoming, nor did I think they particularly should have been -- I have been more concerned that ds1 isn't invited around hardly ever, rather than about whether he went around to theirs to use the trampolene per se.

Excuse mad typing, am slightly tipsy so may not be making sense.

I was thinking about this thread last night in bed when I couldn't sleep (as you do). I said before that my house was "the" open house for neighbourhood children for awhile, which was fine, but I never hesitated to throw them out if they were rude or awkward. I think shrub should tell her neighbours that some of the children visiting her trampolene have been rude (it's true) to her family & children. She can't nicely say no to some without saying no to all, so just say no to all except for special occasions (ie., organised playdates).

I still find this whole situation baffling, in a country where everyone knows that "being overlooked" lowers the value of your house, and people fret about parking on the public highway outside somebody else's house, suddenly it's ok to have the all of the street (and more) children use your garden as a public playground. I think maybe I've stepped into a twilight zone...

Off to babble on another thread, me thinks.

Arrrrg, shut them all out. My 3.5yr old has a 13ft one aaaaaaaaaaaall to himself Well shares with step brother when he visits. No accidents, no arguing.

Zebra,I really agree with you that shub needs to say 'no' to all children for a while. As you say, some have been downright rude. I think as a parent you have to lay down firm trampoline rules to every guest - IME children will push and push if they think things are vague. That gives them reason to hope. I am really cross that my neighbours did not make their rules clear to my son. I think that was really thoughtless of them.

Our old house used to be open house to lots of neighbourhood children and if I said 'no you can't come in today' they would stand outside, watching us in the living room.Goodness I really hated that - it was really creepy. I had to get very firm - raise my voice firm - to get them to go away. At the time I didn't like being so aggressive and unfriendly to little innocent strangers. I wondered if they would be traumatised and I'd have lots of angry parents knocking at the door. Not a bit of it. It just seemed to clear the air and the children realised I had rules.