Do you tell your child they can't live with you forever?

[tigermoth]

Difference of opinion with dh on this.

Dh feels its a good thing to tell our 9 year old son that he can't rely on us to feed and clothe him forever. He thinks ds needs to realise that one day he WILL be leaving home, whether he likes it or not. He won't still sitting here eating his supper in front of the TV aged 40, so the harder he tries, the better behaved he is and and the more he learns, the more chances he'll have of getting a good job and a nice life etc etc etc.

I think this puts unnecessary pressure on my son and robs him of childhood innocence. Also, I am in no hurry for our children to fly the nest. Dh disagrees. He says he is looking forward to it His parents made him join the navy on his 16th birthday after he was expelled from school. He said it was the best thing they could have done given the way he was, and he never felt they had stopped loving him or wouldn't give him a home in an emergency. Times have changed and he wouldn't do this to a 16 year old, but the principle remains.

My heart sinks when dh starts telling our son that he can't expect a home with us forever and dh knows this - we just disagree! Incidently my son seems to take dh's ranting in his stride and does not seem upset. They have a very close and loving relationship. Ds probably doesn't believe him .....

Anyway, I just wondered who tells their child that they don't have a permanent home with them and they must make their own way in the world. Is this a good thing to say or not?

All the time DS! tells me I'm the worst mother in the world and I tell him that I will gladly help him pack!!!
Seriously, they don't need it rammed down their throats when they're little, but yes, we do have chats about what will happen when they grow up, but in an 'aside' sort of way. Does that make sense?

Last week DD(4) was telling me that she is going to do the same job as I do and work at my practice and do some late surgeries. I said thats great and I'll have your dinner ready for you, she addressed me as if I was a simpleton and said "oh mummy, why on earth would I be living with you, I'll have my own house- you cant have 2 mummies in one house"- I felt quite hurt at the time

It has occasionally come up in conversation with dd, 3, & she just says dh & I will have to come & live with her & we can all sleep in the same bed. Often asks if I'd like her to take me out when she gets her pink car.
Think she's quite keen on a shift in the balance of power (yes, sometimes I imagine I have some)..

I don't think it does any harm to go along with your child's idea of staying with you forever, at that age it just makes them feel safe. I don't think any child gets to 16 and thinks that because they said when they were younger that they'd stay with you, then it's still a good idea.

When I was little I used to insist that I'd never move out and my mum just used to tell me I'd want to when I was older and then left it at that. I used to be sure that I wouldn't ever want to leave but then I got to 17 and moved out the minute I could get a deposit together for a flat!

Just let your child feel that he's welcome to stay with you as long as he wants - guaranteed that won't be all that long!

Haven't time to read all, but I have a friend like your DH - she tells her 9 year old she can't wait till she's 16 and leaves home
IMO this will create insecurity and she is more likely to have a daughter who'll hang on with them into her twenties.

My little bird may never fly the nest as she has special needs, and although if I'm honest that's scary I also try and tell myself that i'll always have someone to curl up and watch TV with, apart from DP of course, but another girl to do that with. I have to try and see the positive side of that kind of thing or might fall down into a black tunnel and find it hard to get back out.