Would you let your 11 year old go to a funeral?

[calebsmummy]

My FIL died on Friday. A wonderful man who will be sorely missed by so many people, not least my 11 year old son. He and his grandad were incredibly close, ds was the only grandchild for 7 years, and spent many a happy hour together doing all sorts of things.

I feel my son needs to attend his grandads funeral as he needs a way of saying goodbye. But it is also going to be the hardest thing I have had to watch my little boy do and if he goes it will be so hard for all of us.

We are going to give him the choice, but don't want him to feel forced into going.

We are also going to have a fun day out for the little ones (the 4 other grandsons are 3,2 1 and 7 months) a picnic and then a tree planting, so they can remember their grandad with happy memories. But I don't feel that is enough for my 11 year old. He is quite mature for his age. Very bright and sensible.

I don't know. It's hard to know if I am even handling this in the right way now. Dh is with his mum 200 miles away at the moment so I am trying to hold it together for my boys, but finding it hard. Sorry rambling now.

Has anyone else had to make this decision?

I'm going to chat to him tonight, just about things that are happening etc. Dh has spoken to him apologising for not being at his school play yesterday or sports day tomorrow (he is 200 miles away) and that he has to be there for gran and to sort out things like grandads funeral etc. I think we are leaving it at that. If ds expresses a wish to go to his grandads funeral then we will most definately allow him to.

I sort of want to get him talking a bit as he doesn't say much at all about it. I know he is hurting, but I think he is blocking this out. If I mention anything to do with his grandad he wells up and quickly changes the subject. It's heartbreaking to see him hurt like this. I want to make it better for him, but can't

The funeral isn't until next week, so we time to broach the subject. Thanks for all the helpful replies.

Well we have just chatted and I feel horrible for having upset him so much, but at the same time know that it is the best thing for him, to talk and cry.

The outcome is that he really doesn't want to go to the funeral and , in his words, wants to remember Grandad for doing things like 'Going through McDonalds drive through on their bicycles ' and 'Making up silly songs''Capsizing his boat' etc.
He was a fabulously fun Grandad. He says that he thinks the funeral will be horrible and that might stick in his mind rather than the fun and special memories.

Fair enough I think. He is an intelligent child who knows whats what and I respect his decision and the reasons behind it. He thinks the memorial day and planting a tree is a much nicer way to celebrate his grandads life.

Lots of tears tonight, but they will help. He has asked if he can have a photograph, which I will sort out for him. I will keep talking to him about his Grandad. This is just so hard.

Oh did I tell you I have the most wonderful 11 year old son ever? He is very special.

He has made a decision that he feels comfortable with

I think that it is right for him to do what he feels is right

Love the story of the McD drive through.

Yes I think, you have got a deffo brill DS there

Calebsmummy, you have a lovely son. I hope my son is as wonderful when he is 11.

When is the funeral, c'smummy? Please give him until the very last minute to change his mind.

He is very special, and obviously so was his grandad .

calebsmummy, I am very sorry to hear about your fil.

My grandma died 6 weeks ago and I took all my children to the funeral, one of which was my 11 year old ds. He was obviously upset and he did shed a tear or two, but he said afterwards that he was glad he was allowed to go.

Personally I think it does give closure and is an important part of the grieving process. You/your ds don't need to make a final decision until next week; he may change his mind about not going right at the very last minute. And fwiw, there is no right or wrong way to handle grief (as you said in your 1st post), you just take it as it comes and you will instinctively make the right decisions as far as your ds goes.

This is a confusing one for me....as I was taken to funerals when I was very young and also my grandfather had a thing about churches and grave yards and was taken on tours alot when I was young and it has given me permanent damage......I would personally say no as I would not let my children even if they were close because of what I went through...but.....it should depend on the child and whether they understand about what is happening.

P.s calebsmummy, sorry for your loss.

calebsmummy are you sure he isn't being influenced by his father's opposition? My experience of funerals is that they can provide extra good memories. People try to talk about the good things and you learn things about the departed you didn't know before (like who they flirted with ) When my mother died one of the cousins sent me a photo of my mother when young because I'd mentioned how few we had.

When one of my work colleagues died his funeral in effect turned into the last of the parties he'd been so good at arranging. Everyone wanted to remember them and the result was a brief lightening of the grief.

Yes. kgc, having never been to a funeral, he really doesn't understand what they involve. I have been very open and honest about them, so he knows what happens, but until you have been to one, like everything else, you can't really understand. I have told him that funerals aren't nice (because they aren't) and that it's something really to say goodbye. But that you can say goodbye in other ways.

If we weren't doing the memorial day for all of the grandsons then I would have siad yes it's best for him to go and say his goodbyes, but we are going to do that and he thinks that will be nicer.

Of course I will allow him to change his mind, although knowing my son he won't. He seemed relieved after our chat last night, maybe he has been worrying about it, he knows what he wants.

I can't say that I'm not a bit relieved he doesn't want to go. No one wants to see their child go through something so painful.

I'm sort of going on my own experiences. My first funeral was that of my stillborn son (before ds was born) I know it's different circumstances and of course I was distraught, but the whole thing felt quite unbelievable and a complete nightmare.

If this was someone he wasn't as close to as his grandad then it would be different (but then i probably wouldn't even be thinking he should go in the first place) but he loves his grandad dearly and it may be very distressing for him. 11 is a funny age. Not young enough for him to be sad but just accept it, but also not old enough to fully understand what is going on.

Right going to get my boy up for school (I of course have been up since 5 with his 2 small brothers ) He has sports day today so busy. It's good he has had a very busy week.

Thanks for your replies, you all talk so much sense here!!!

Tatt, he doesn't know his father is opposed. In fact his father isn't exactly opposed, I guess he just is trying to protect his son. Lots of men handle grief and pain differently from women I think. Dh has said if ds really wanted to go he would let him.

Obviously I know my son and the relief on his face when he said he didn't wnat to go and I said he didn't have to was so clear. He is also very similar to his dad (ds, I mean) so maybe they have the same sort of thought process, I don't know. We will continue to leave the choice open, but I doubt he will change his mind.

I guess for some people funerals help, they actually don't that much with me. If I miss that person then I miss them. Funerals don't seem to make much difference. Sure they mean that afterwards it is easier to get on with everyday life, but that person is still gone. And this is going to be a hard one to ever accept as it was a terrible accident.

I guess I'm a bit relived about ds decision as i didn't really want to be fighting with dh about it, he is hurting enough.

We will respect ds's decision, whatever it is.

Sorry for your loss. No, I haven't been in your position but yes I would give him the choice of going. Incidentally my cousin, at a younger age than this, went to our Uncle's funeral and when he realised how sad everyone was at his death told his mum he wasn't going to say 'I hate you, I'm going to kill myself' anymore which he often did as a means of trying to get attention. That is my roundabout way of saying I think it is useful for children to understand the process of death and dying and how it ends.

I think you are doing the right thing to ask him & let him go if he wants to. I went to my Granny's funeral at about the same age & I'm glad I was there. (We weren't as close though so maybe different.

If he's bright & sensible as you say, I reckon he's old enough to know what he wants & cope with it with your support.

Good luck.

Yes I would definitely, children are often denied this important chance to say goodbye to someone they love, you are handling this all brilliantly with the icnic for the younger ones, and I think that you will have raised him well enough to make his choices

I would ask if they wanted to go!
My older 3 went to their Granpa's funeral and at time were 12, 10 and 8.
My 2.5 ds went to his great granddads and said goodbye. Now when he sees a church he says lets say goodbye to great granddad!