differently parenting to your parents?

[misdee]

mt parents are of the smaking generation. i do occasionaly msack but am really really trying not to. i use time outs, count downs etc. but my [arents say 'maybe you should start smaking her' when one of my children misbehave. i did used to smack but it doesnt work. if i carried on i'd be smacking my children harder and harder.

does anyone else parent (or try to parent) differently to their own parents way?

oh yes, oh yes, i want to do things (say want to as ds is only 9 weeks) very differently from how my parents did them - especially my mother.
Was smacked regularly by both parents, on bum or legs, which I now find abhorrent though I must have accepted it at the time - it did have clear limits though, I remember being very once when my mother slapped my brother in the face. Anyway, I hope very much that I will never hit my children.
The worst thing about my mother's parenting definitely wasn't the smacking, but rather her extensive use of emotional blackmail, blind rages and criticism, especially to me (and my poor dad). She was/is (never know which to use as my parents cut me off 5 years ago because they disagreed with my relationship with dh) a very controlling person who would order me about and throw fits at me long after I'd gratefully left for university. She clearly had expectations of me she was desperate for me to fulfil and prepared to try and force me. From 16-23 (which was when I was cut off) I was threatened with being thrown out, being sectioned (had a form of ocd), not being supported through uni, was called a selfish b**ch, accused of never having been a 'proper daughter' and other gems. As a consequence I will do everything I can to stop myself seeing my children as my property.

We don't smack, although we were both smacked as kids and I was once slapped for backtalking when I was 8 - I admit I sort of had that one coming.

My mother never smacked me or my brother but she used to go very very quiet and say "I'm extremely disappointed in you, I expected more" which used to make us feel like shite. Very effective though, without the need for raised voices or smacking! I vowed never to do this to mine but history is repeating itself

My parents did some good stuff, and a lot of not very good stuff. As the children have got older my perspectives have changed, and I'm consciously trying to keep the good things, while changing the things that made me unhappy as a child.

It is very liberating to discover that you can change family patterns -- my younger sister and I had a terrible relationship, partly because of the way my parents handled the situation. I was terrified of the same thing happening when I had the second child, so worked very hard with myself and with the kids to create a positive relationship. And they do all adore each other, give or take the odd bicker.

But I do find those parental one-liners coming through from time to time. Any takers for:

"How many times do I have to tell you...?"
"I suppose you think I've got nothing better to do than..."
"It'll be wherever you left it."
"Well, it hasn't got little legs to walk, has it?"

Oh, the old ones are the best.

Yes, I say those to my dp all the time

LOL Frogs - how about 'don't come running to me if you fall off and break your leg'? Have said that to ds and he's only just two and has no idea what I'm on about!

I hope I'll do some things the same as my mum - lots of attention, lots of praise and encouragement, really engaging in our world, fantastic at making birthdays/Christmas special. Lots of talking to us as though we were intelligent human beings (not the sort of talking down to kids that other adults seemed to do). Making it very clear that she loved us. Telling us all the family stories and history. Talking to us about stuff that had happened when we were very little, so reinforcing our memories. Introducing us to her very wide range of friends - including people who were a bit different - elderly or had disabilities or had fascinating lives in some way (or all three). Giving us lots of other role models/adults who cared about us. Making us laugh and laughing with us, not at us!

Things I hope I'll do differently - no smacking. Organising my working life so I can go to sports days. Encouraging ds with sport and stuff my mum thought was not important or cissy (if he wants to do any of those things).That's about it, really - she was/is a darn good mother.

Ooh, just thought of something else I'll do differently - not teaching us to think of emotions, particularly sadness/crying as something that is weak or not something we do round here. Can see why that came across - she's had to be very strong to cope with all the stuff that's happened to her. But something I want to do differently.