lisalisa, I could almost have written your post. Ds2 (3.5) has been a nightmare since we went down to Wales last half term - so six weeks now. He wasn't 'easy' before but the last few weeks have pushed me to the limit. Last Saturday morning was - I think - the worst morning I've ever spent with my children: it took me three hours to get us out of the house. Yesterday I pretty much reached breaking point - we had a pleasant morning, then when it was time to go to nursery (which he loves) he took his clothes off and refused to eat lunch. I tried cajoling, reasoning, shouting, bribing - in the end decided to physically get him dressed and he turned into a wild animal: I have scratches up both arms, he was biting, clawing at my face etc. I put him in his room and when I came to get him out he slammed the door in my face. Eventually I pretended to make a phone call to nursery to say he couldn't come as he wouldn't get dressed or eat his lunch. This had the desired effect and he co-operated but by the time I dropped him at Nursery I felt utterly drained and like I had gone ten rounds in a boxing ring. I didn't want to go and get him again at 3pm He was equally horrible at bedtime - dh took over and had a pitched battle to get him bathed and into bed. It is impacting on all of us - ds1 is increasingly sidelined (as well as picked on and pushed about by ds2 on a regular basis). Yesterday, by bedtime I was in tears and utterly despondent - feeling a failure as a Mum and at my wit's end. Everything has become a battle - going out, staying in, what he will wear/eat/do.
Ds2 can also be an utter delight (when he is occupied/amused and getting his own way) This is just not possible all the time though, as you know. When I told one of the members of staff at Nursery how hard it had been to get him there (I didn't say about the biting and scratching - I was too embarrassed) she couldn't believe it: he's a lovely little boy there.
Anyway - having got to a very low point over the last few days I went into Waterstone's yesterday and bought...a self help book. Dh and I sat down last night, together, and () I read the first three chapters out loud. It's called Getting Your Little Darlings To Behave by Sue Cowley (publ. Continuum). There's nothing radical in there - and it's stuff I 'knew' already - but it sort of refreshed me, got dh and I talking about tackling this together (we sometimes approach things differently and I don't think that helps) and, above all, trying to be more positive. I have started to actively dislike ds2 sometimes and live for bedtime - and that is not how I wasnt to be as a parent.
Now, I'm not saying this book has worked an overnight miracle - but today has been the best day I have had for ages. I've been like Joyce Grenfell, I've been so upbeat, positive and fun and - it's worked. He still had a couple of wobbles (had a pop at ds1 when he came from school and wasn't for having his teeth brushed) but today has been so much better. And I've only read the first three chapters! I think I needed to really stop, take stock, and get out of the negative mindset I've dropped into with regard to ds2. Like your dd, he is very bright, and needs a lot of stimulation (ds1 was a doddle in comparison).
You mustn't be too hard on yourself - apart from anything else you're pregnant (I said to dh yesterday - we were trying for another baby when ds1 was this age - if he's been as bad as ds2 he'd have been a only child) so you must be utterly exhausted. Try the book: it has really given me a fresh perspective. And don't feel bad about dd's back - I have been ashamed at how roughly I have manhandled ds2 recently - and when he has really hurt me it has taken all my willpower not to lash out
Hang on in there.