Other peoples children - I'm so cross with my friend

[sandyballs]

Am I over-reacting or would this pi** you off?
A friend popped in for coffee with her two DDs (2 and 4). They played with my two upstairs (4) while we chatted. Her elder daughter suddenly appears with a felt tip pen and announced to me that she (and my DDs) had drawn all over DDs bedroom wall. I said quite sternly to her "I do hope you are joking" and she promptly burst into tears and ran to her mother.

I went upstairs and found multi-coloured felt pen scribble all over one wall. I shouted at my DDs, took away the chocolate they were eating and told them to sit on the naughty step. Meanwhile my friend's DD is still having a cuddle with mummy because I spoke sternly to her. This kid hadn't even been told off, her mum didn't apologise to me, the kid still had her chocolate. I was fuming. She then had the audacity to say to me "tell xxx you aren't cross with her anymore because she is very upset". WTF!??? NOT CROSS. I'M BLOODY LIVID WITH YOUR LITTLE BRAT. WHY DO MINE GET SUCH A TELLING OFF AND YOURS GET A CUDDLE.

Sorry, I'm calming down now . Still stunned at her attitude though. I'd be mortified if my DDs did that at someone's house.

twig... that is a sign of megalomania!

apparently hitler did it all the time!

Hey Twig, have you thought of applying to be a mod

Btw, I'm referring to this thread where Enid admitted to power crazed tendencies!

lol at starlover's comforting assurances to Twiglett

No HM - nothing! Staggering isn't it. This mum is part of our large ante-natal group and the others in the group have also commented to each other on the lack of discipline and her DDs unruly behaviour. But no-one has talked to the mum. I would hate to think of me and my DDs being talked about like this - we really should say something, but it is difficult isn't it.

I can think of so many situations where she has disrupted our get-togethers at other peoples houses, not just mine. She's bounced in a baby's cot and broke the bottom out of it, after being told to not even go into the baby's room. She's flung food across the room because she didn't like it. Hit the other kids, completely unprovoked. Picked every flower in a friend's beuatiful garden . The list is endless. I'm not saying all the other kids are beautifully behaved all the time, they're obviously not, but they have much stricter parenting and at 4 years old they know that this kind of thing is wrong and therefore rarely do it.

Message withdrawn

oi hmof2
sorry about last night
got my nickenmaes mixed up
you are you adn you alone

SB, would losing this woman as a friend matter to you? Or would it be a relief? I'd be tempted just to cool it, rather than have any big confrontation, but that is quite cowardly, so I probably would tie myself in knots and screw my courage to the sticking point (is that a misquote from something?!) and bite the bullet and tell her that I thought it would be better if we saw less of each other as our parenting styles were so obviously at odds and you thought she was probably horrified by the fact you told your DDs off for drawing on the walls.

Message withdrawn

hm, that's Lady McBeth who says something like 'if we screw our courage to the sticking post we'll not fail.'

Macbeth even

still say you should talk to her

looked it up, it's "LADY MACBETH
We fail! But screw your courage to the sticking-place, And we'll not fail. "

Was torn between post and point - yes, is Lady Macbeth. Should've known that! Thanks, WWW, you cultured thing, you!

Yes, talk to her. Talk about how her behaviour made you feel, like you would with a child!

sticking place! Yes!

SB, advice and Shakespeare quotes, plus Twig in the third person and some jokiness thrown in - this thread's fab!

hunkermunker!

yes, did i comfort you there twig? hehehe

but sticking to the thread... i would DEFINITELY tell her that she was no longer welcome in my house! In fact, I would even suggest that she paid for the cost of redecorating the bloody room! How absolutely RUDE RUDE RUDE!
If she wants to let her daughter do that in her own home then fine... but not in other people's! I can't believe no-one has said anything to her about it! breaking a cot??????? ffs..

Thing is that the child needs boundaries, and wants boundaries (unconsciously obv) and will go on doing that pushpushpush thing until she gets them.

Her mother does need telling, but I would chicken out too and avoid instead! Could the whole group of you try telling her - gently - when the kids aren't there sometime? (Or would that be worse for her - "they've been talking about me"?)

Message withdrawn

HMo2, yes - could always joke you can't afford the redecorating bill!

Your friend is also possibly setting her daughter up for a horrible time at school, sadly.

I think I've tended to use the "reasoned explanation" route too much (though would never confuse the issue with a cuddle, and in your circumstances would have been livid with my child (and personally mortified)) - and the consequence is, I'm afraid, that though ds & dd are perfectly obedient when given the whys & wherefores, they don't automatically do what they're told without satisfactory answers to their questions. I didn't anticipate how this would play at school, and it ain't great.

An interesting route to solution has been tae kwon do - ds has got to do what the sensei says (and call him sir).

if this happened today I think you still have an opportunity to call her up and tell her very nicely in a kind of 'I'm still upset about this' sort of way

its a big test of your friendship, but honestly look in your heart .. do you want to be friends with someone who's child is a bad, spoilt influence on yours .. I wouldn't

It didn't happen today Twiglett, it was last Friday but I haven't been near a PC since so haven't had a chance to moan on MN .
I agree I should talk to her but I'm a coward - I hate confrontation, that's why I'm cross that I didn't seize the opportunity at the time. Much easier than bringing it up now.

Sandyballs - don't feel bad if you don't fancy confronting her !

I couldn't confront my ex-friend, and did a lot of thinking about how valuable the friendship was to me - and tbh it simply wasn't valuable - she was just a woman I met at ante-natal and got on with to some degree. Came to the conclusion we were very different people - background, career, outlook, parenting etc - and just came together because we happened to be pg at same time. Coincidence more than design.

I don't miss her at all and my other friends and I have a lot more in common.

My advice ? Just let it lapse - no big confrontation - just get busy !

Grrrr. Of course you're angry! The next time you see her - and please make sure you're at the park or something! - I'd consider an indirect approach something along the lines of:
"I know xxx was upset the other day when I got cross about the felt tip on my walls, but I'm sure it was mainly because it was someone else's mummy telling her off rather than you doing the telling off, don't you think? It's always hard when they misbehave in someone else's house while you're there too, don't you think? yyy and zzz are getting used to the idea, though, that other people's mummies are in charge in their houses, but it's not easy is it?"

Imo this would be a very lenient, friendly and tactful way of letting her know your position on discipline in your own home whether it be for your own dds or those visiting. She would either take the hint, or the huff. if the latter, trust me you're better off out of her loopy parenting loop. People like that don't change much imo. Fine if they want chaos at home, but the children have to be socialised when out and about at friends' houses, school etc.

A couple of examples from about 5 years ago.
"It's not OK to do that zzz" (said in a whisper to a huge 3yo who had pulled my dd's hair - age 18m - really hard for about the 4th time, making her cry.) Mum there in my house throughout, only intervened after I'd eventually told him to stop "because you're really hurting my lovely xxx".
Letting same child's younger sibling, not yet toilet trained, and with a horrid trail of green snot running down his face, run around naked climbing all over my sofas, trowing cushins everywhere.
I also once left an afternoon playdate with another mum because her 4yo was having a massive tantrum about having been thwarted in some minor way by another child - maybe turn taking on the slide or something. He made so much noise that his mum nodded helplessly as I made to leave. She didn't try to reason or anything, just "empathised" with his pain, but I will never forget the sly triumphant look on his face as he looked at me from over his mother's shoulder as I left with my children. "Damon" 1: friendly social gathering nil.

I just don't see those people any more. Lif's too short. My children aren't angels and I'm no saint either but I'm with the majority who'd be mortified if their kids did something like that.