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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

I've just had social services round!

47 replies

Kelly1978 · 28/06/2005 17:46

I'm still shaking. DD yesterday had PE at school, and her teacher noticed some marks on her neck. I have no idea how they got there, she never told me. dd told her teacher my dp did it by throttling her.
dp would never do a thing like that. dd often makes up stories like this, yesterday she said her brother hurt her stomach. I never saw it and it turns out she had a bug and started throwing up last night.
I'm not so annoyed at SS, they were very nice and they have a duty to investigate. I am pissed off with dd's teacher though. I now have to take dd to school tomorrow to a teacher who thinks I or my partner are abusive!! She has always been so friendly and chatty before, and is very experienced. I can't believe that she believed dd, and not what I told her. I really don't now what I am going to do tomorrow

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happymerryberries · 28/06/2005 18:24

The probelm is that every time abuse starts it will be something small at first. When a child is abused and no-one picks it up everyone asks how it would happen that it was missed.

People who abuse (and I'm not in any way saything the you do!) can be very convincing in their explanations.

I realise that you have had a grim time, but the teacher doesn't realy know you and if she missed something she would never forgive herself

Twiglett · 28/06/2005 18:27

question is how did the marks get on her neck and do they look like throttle marks

is there any chance she has met someone who gets her to call him 'daddy' , is she always supervised, don't even know how old she is

I think you need to rule out that someone hasn't been bullying her in the playground and she's making up stories to cover it

Pixiefish · 28/06/2005 18:29

Hi Kelly- sorry this has upset you BUT the teacher is only doing her job. As a teacher I have had about 3 kids tell me that they've been abused by their parents. All I can do is write down what they tell me and pass it on to the pastoral deputy who HAS to refer it to SS, the police or the nspcc. It's not our call whether we phone or not- the law says we have to and we'd be negligent if we didn't. Hugs though

Original poster

Kelly1978 · 28/06/2005 18:30

she has jsut turned 5. too young to be unsupervised at any time.

I don't think they look like throttle marks, they look more like scratch, friction marks to me - they aren't bruises as such. prob about 3/4 lines. They go down one side of her neck, near her jawline, and slightly behind her ear. I really don't have a clue, and neither does she.

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Original poster

Kelly1978 · 28/06/2005 18:31

the lines are vertical, not horizontal btw.

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Twiglett · 28/06/2005 18:34

did she get the scratch marks at school? have you asked the teacher to keep an eye on her to check she isn't being picked on and making up stories for attention?

Personally I'd go into school and thank the teacher for her concern, say you have nothing to hide so it is no problem for SS to be involved (automatically gives you the upper hand) then say that you would like to make sure everything is OK and school and would she mind, as she obviously cares about DD, keeping a special eye out for her and letting you know if there are any social issues?

that way you get the upper hand, she isn't uncomfortable with you and you get to the root of any potential problem

HTH

sparklymieow · 28/06/2005 18:39

My son had a skipping rope put round his neck and the girl tighten it and left a rope burn on his neck, now that looked like a trottle mark, but because it happened at school, was ok. Could you speak to her and ask if she is being bullied or picked on?

MrsGordonRamsay · 28/06/2005 18:40

I have only just seen this and as upsetting as it is the teacher has a moral duty to report stuff like this.

I agree with twigletts post immediately above.

misdee · 28/06/2005 18:42

well it wasnt ok mieow, but i know what u mean, they couldnt accuse you of doing it as they witnessed it didnt they?

Original poster

Kelly1978 · 28/06/2005 18:43

Thanks Twiglett, I think I might have to do that. It'll be through gritted teeth though!

She seems very happy at shcool, she alway said she made friends and has played. She gets invites to parties etc. I'm not rulgn out that se might be getting picked on, but I'm not too worried about the marks, she is fair skinned, energetic and bruises easily. We noticed the marks sat morning, so I don't think it happened at school, or I would have noticed them when I bathed her fri evening.

I am more worried about the story telling. I don't know where she has learned it, why she is doing it, or how to deal with it.

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golds · 28/06/2005 18:44

sorry your going through this.

If she is better now and has stopped being sick, I would take her to school tomorrow, and do what Twiglett suggests. Has your DD been off sick straight after your chat with the teacher, if so from her point of view it may look as if your keeping dd off because of this.

Original poster

Kelly1978 · 28/06/2005 18:51

Yes, spoke to teacher after school last night, and dd was sick last night. ss saw the stripped bed (we live in a flat) and asked if she was bedwetting of all things. I guess all the circumstances make it look bad.

I should take her tomo, she hasn't been sick today, but she hasn't eaten much at all. The man from the police said he is happy with the situation, though I don't know what they will tell the schol. I'm just not sure if I can face it tomorrow.

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MarsLady · 28/06/2005 19:23

hi kelly

Firstly I agree that the teacher has to report these things. Better that she reports it and is wrong than doesn't but would've been right.

As to the storytelling... she does it cos they all do. Different things for different children. Whilst I agree you have to find a way to deal with it, storytelling isn't particularly a bad thing. Their imaginations are stretching and they are trying out words and scenarios. Of course it has to be watched and dealt with, but on the whole they all go through it. My DD1 is taking rather a LONG time to outgrow it. I watch what she says very carefully. It seemed to start with the arrival of the twins, so it may be that, it may just be that I didn't notice it as much before. DD2 talks to her invisible friend and has the most incredible experiences. Apparently she can drive.... in true life.

I don't want to make light of the situation, but I don't think that you should be angry with the teacher. What if (and it's a very BIG if...) something were happening to your DD, at home or elsewhere, and no one responded to her and thought that her cry for help was just more made up stories. It doesn't bear thinking about. So personally, I would do as twiggy (I think) suggested. Thank the teacher for her concern and praise the SS for their prompt action. We see far too many cases in the paper where they didn't act at all.

btw.... just wait until the DTs start... what will we do then? lol

Original poster

Kelly1978 · 28/06/2005 19:31

Goodness, the twins will probably be collaberating and come up with wonderful tales. I wish dd could restrain her imagination to more positive things!

It's actually partly those stories in the paper that make me feel angry. Children dying from terrible abuse that nobody notices, whereas I get two ss and a policeman on my doorstep for dd telling tales. it is wastye of resources really. I can't help but feel a little bit angry, and upset, and insulted I guess! My kids are happy, well behaved and well turned out. I will have to do as twiglet says tho.

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soapbox · 28/06/2005 19:34

But Kelly kids who are being abused don't have great big signs round their necks saying that do they?

How are the school and SS supposed to know who is being abused if they don't follow it up?

shinypeople · 28/06/2005 20:26

maybe you could sit down and play with her and casually ask what is mummies name and then ask what is daddies name. Does she tell you the name you are expecting her to say?

Pinotmum · 28/06/2005 20:32

Sometimes my ds asks for "mummy" and when I saw "I'm here" he says "no not you" as he means my dd and they are playing Mummies and babies. Would one of her friends be "daddy"?

foxinsocks · 28/06/2005 20:36

It's only natural to feel insulted because you now feel that her teacher did not trust you (but I'm sure you can see she was following guidelines)!

My dd is a similar age and her and her friends are absolute masters at telling stories. I do think it's important to explain why getting other people into trouble is not a good idea (perhaps you could use an example of her blaming one of your twins for doing something like making a mess when in fact it was her).

KBear · 28/06/2005 20:41

Could they be marks from the seat belt in your car? When it's hot and children wear vest tops the seat belt can rub across and down the neck. Has she been in someone's car without her usual car seat perhaps?

Feffi · 28/06/2005 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pabla · 28/06/2005 21:45

When my dd was around this age she came out of school one day and I noticed one of her eyes was really watering. She told me an elaborate story about one of the boys pushing her against a wall. I was concerned that normal rough and tumble was getting too rough and that maybe they weren't being supervised enough. So I asked her teacher the next morning if she knew what had happened - she told me that dd had told her it had happened at home - I then remembered that dd had been mucking about the previous morning and had fallen off the sofa! I was astounded that dd had made up such an elaborate story which might have got another child into trouble. I was also paranoid that the teacher would think we were hurting her - when she hurt herself again a few months later the teacher remarked rather pointedly that dd seemed to have lots of accidents. Trouble is that she has very fair skin and bruises easily, just like me. I often have scary looking bruises on my legs and can't even remember how they happened.

I think the making up stories is just a phase, try to ignore it if you can, maybe just say something like "I don't think that's what really happened, do you?" It might be attention-seeking or a reaction to something going on at school. At the time I think my dd was finding it hard to adjust to some aspects of the move from day-care nursery to school - that teachers wouldn't always intervene when someone misbehaved (in her eyes) and that other children weren't always kind to her.

Original poster

Kelly1978 · 29/06/2005 15:16

pabla, I'm glad that my dd isn't the only one who can make up elaborate stories. She has come home a few times complainign about sand and stones in her eyes too, now that I think about it.

If she is asked about daddy, she usually says about her 'old daddy' (her phrase, not mine) who lives 200 miles away from us, and hasn't bothered to see them since we moved. I did try asking her again, and she doesn't seem so sure now. I think since the twins have been born and dp is a daddy too, she may be confused.

I've noticed a lot of strange behavior from her lately, and I think it might be the arrival of the twins affectigng her more than I originally thought. I think I'm goign to try sepnd soem time with just her on her own at the wekend and have a chat wiht her.

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