Had an argument with another mother at playgroup today - very miserable and embarrassed

[playgrouppariah]

I am a regular poster but have changed my name for this, as I am so embarrassed and I'm sure I will get a lot of comments that won't make pleasant reading

I was leaving playgroup today when another mother came up to me and angrily said I had not taken enough care bypassing her little boy who was standing in the doorway. I honestly had no recollection of bumping into him or knocking him over, as far as I was concerned I had gone round him OK. She then angrily said I should have waited for her to move him. Now, since I was completely unaware of having discommoded him in any way, at that precise moment, what she was saying felt like an unprovoked attack, and so I said "Well, you shouldn't leave him standing in the doorway". Of course this then escalated the situation, with her saying, "You should have taken more care" and me saying, "No, you should". How childish and pathetic is that? Of course everyone was staring by then. She ended up following me out of the place saying I was a bad mother who didn't know how to look after children.

I am honestly not the sort of person that goes around trampling small children willy nilly and looking for arguments. Of course if I accidentally bump into a child, I immediately see if they are OK and apologise. I have kept replaying the scene in my mind and honestly can't remember bumping this child, but as I was leaving, I was a little distracted, so maybe I could have? In any event, whether I did or not, my response was not what it should have been - I should not have responded so defensively or at least should have ignored her further comments. Even if someone does leave their child in the doorway (and anyway they always go for the hazards) it doesn't excuse other parents from taking care, of course not. I do normally take care when children are in the doorway, in fact, the whole ethos of the playgroup is one where everyone looks out for all the kids - and this is one of the reasons I like it so much.

Now I keep thinking what if I did bump that little boy and didn't even apologise but got into an argument instead? I wouldn't be too pleased if somebody carelessly bumped into my kids either. BTW the little boy in question seemed absolutely fine, not crying or anything, so I don't think he was hurt.

I have just signed up to become a volunteer at the playgroup, but maybe they won't want me now.

Anyway, I have written this to get it down and to ask M'netters what I should do the next time I see this other mother. Should I apologise or let it lie? I'm leaning towards the former, but with some trepidation. Based on what I saw this morning, I don't think she is the type of person to be gracious about it.

Thanks for listening.

You're not at fault but this other woman - who should apologise to you for saying you're an unfit mother!!!! Children can be easily missed and if she was worried about him she shouldn't have left him in a doorway at the end of a playgroup. I'd say forget about it, still be a volunteer and just stick to formalities with this other mother - until she has the decency to say sorry.

Hello Everyone.

Thanks very much for your comments.

Writing down what happened here and hearing your views has really helped me get some perspective on this.

It is really quite scary and upsetting to be on the receiving end of aggression completely out of the blue. When the woman followed me out, at one point, I really thought she was going to go for me!

For those of you who said I should have apologised at the time. Hmmm... The trouble is, what for exactly? She didn't at any point say that I'd bumped him or knocked him, merely that I should take more care and should have waited. I have theorised that I must have bumped/knocked him because otherwise the level of her aggression seemed utterly inexplicable to me.

Having reflected on it, I don't think I believe that just because someone is being shouty and aggressive automatically means they get an apology - merited or not - to diffuse the situation. Just because I'm a grown-up doesn't mean that I can't be on the receiving end of bullying on occasion!

But what I should have done was taken more time to talk to her calmly to find out exactly what the problem was - not just responded defensively because she was having a go at me.

Anyway, having read the comments here and trying to decide what to do next, at first I was tempted to think that because of the way she had approached me, she had forfeited any right to an apology. As some of you said, if she'd spoken to me differently, she would have got a very different reaction, and I do think all of us should recognise that the attitude we employ to others plays a large part in how they react to us.

Having said that, I decided that whatever she said/did, I am still responsible for my own actions, and I didn't handle the situation well.

Therefore, if I can find a form of words with which to apologise for my part in escalating the situation, and if I see her within a reasonable time frame, I will apologise as that really seems to be the right thing to do. If I don't run into her again for weeks, I will just let it lie.

I doubt she will be gracious about it, and I am rather dreading the experience, but hey, it's still the right thing to do.

Thank you to all for your comments, they have really helped, and I feel much less of a pariah now!

Hello again! i think you obviously know what you need to do! and i think it is nerve wracking when you have to approach someone who quite obviously hasnt got a good grip on reality! i hope it goes ok for you, you can only do your best, at least you know you tried! xxx

TBH I think someone who launches an aggressive verbal attack on someone else without giving them a chance to make amends, does forfeit their right to an apology, even if they were originally in the right. I just don't see why yobbos like that should be treated as if they're civilised.

But I'm very hardline.

Good luck with trying to apologise - she sounds such an aggressive lout that you may not get the chance to! Do give us an update - I'd be interested to know if she's had a chance to cool down and realise that she was OTT.

I don't think she deserves an apology either, however if it will make you feel better about yourself to say sorry and will help you gain 'closure' on the matter (sorry about annoying phraseology) then do it...

Don't beat yourself up on about your reaction. We can't all be serene and perfect all the time especially when provoked by a slightly deranged woman. I often respond with irritation when 'attacked' and regret it afterwards so I know where you are coming from, but remember she was in the wrong here.

Just another couple of thoughts...

I'm ashamed to say that if I'm having a bad day, I can be irrational and a little OTT. Perhaps this woman was having one of those - but for the main part is generally a sane and reasonable woman.

Perhaps rather than apologise make a beeline for her next week , contort your face into a genuine looking smile and say as gently and non confrontationally something along the lines of "I was a bit upset about our falling out last week - can we talk it over? I don't want any bad feeling between us"

• and this may open up lines of communication

You're nicer than me Plagrouppariah I'd just avoid the mad cow and assume she was far too precious and that life was far too short (although if she approached me and apologised to me then I'd be sweetness).

Let us know how you get on please!

Sounds like she was doing the usual "it can't be my fault that he was standing in the doorway unsupervised" type of rubbish that too many people do these days.

Forget about her, she's an idiot. If you have to see her again, ask her who's doorway he's standing in now.

Please post again after playgroup this Friday - I am itching to know what happens (clearly I don't have much in my life - lol)