Mums who work, how does your household work?

[Flossam]

As some of you may know things haven't been great between me and DP. I am disapointed with how, er, pro-active he is around the house and with DS (read - not!). I will be going back to work in the next few weeks and for the sake of my sanity and possibly the relationship I really want to get tha balance between work and home right. For that to happen DP needs to get off of his arse.

My idea so far has been that certain things around the house need to be done on set days. Ie, clean kitchen on Monday, hoovering on tuesdays, etc etc. Our shifts are very varied, DP works four week rotas, four days off four days on, five days off, five days on then back to four. I will be working part time, on his days off. So I will still be doing the majority, as I will be at home more. I discussed this with DP last night, and needless to say he wasn't too keen. He jokingly said it was because it would mean he had to 'do' things, but many a true word spoken in jest!

Does this sound like a good idea? Should I push it further with DP until I (hopefully!) get my way? So far he has not come up with any alternatives. I wondered if you could share what you do so I can compare and contrast and maybe gain some inspiration! If I end up doing what I do now you will have to put up with a very bitter and twisted mumsnetter!!!

dh and I have specific things - ie, I clean and do the clothes washing - he cooks, helps with dishes.
We do quick tidy up in the evening together. Every now and again I have to cook but it is occasionally, same thing with the washing sometimes if you have a lot I just dump a load of dry laundry in his knee and ask if he can fold it please.
I think that men need something they are responsible for, allocate him a task or two that you think he'll be able to do - and don't do his ironing, we do our own in our house.

we have naturally gravitated to jobs - so i will wash the dishes becuase ..and this sounds anal - but i amso not anal - come look at my house... becuase i like the dishes to look clean rather than that "clean one side only" thing everyone else in my house tends to do. - however kids wash their plates........and very recently have given everyone a different plate ( as we dnt have a set , but rather a mish mash of remaining ones from various sets which have been broken) that way i know who is taking the piss when i find their dishes in the sink.

i wipe the kitchen sides and do the floor. but i do ask the kids to do it occasionally. i clean the hob - HE cleans the oven becuase i flatly refuse.

he irons his own stuff and the kids school uniform - the kids uniform is ironed once a week on monday - unless someone skidded in a puddle. if uniform has to be re washed - the kid whose uniform is was irons it ( am guessing not an option in your case!!) he makes the sandwhiches int he morning - becuase he gets up at 5 am to speak to goblins and wizards in denmark??? dont ask its too pathetic to tell you.

dcorating we do together. cleaning the fridge and white goods - you know the stuff that ment hink doesn't count - i do. taking the gung out of the drier - i do. making sure the nins are out for dustbin men - i do, making sure milkbottles are washed and out daily - i do.

i do the naggin to make sure he nags the kids to do their homework - as he is often home before me.
i nag kids to hang uniform up and get changed and do bags for tomorrow and tellme about detentions and tell me about lack of equipment.

going into school becuase of illness to pick up child - i do - he cant drive
going into school becuae one of them has ben beaten up or has beaten up someone is both our jobs becuase i dont get shouted at and questioned about my parenting skills alone.
take to dentist - me
brsuh your teath me
hearing aid batteries and repairs me
hall stair and landing - always one of the boys
bedroom - him
washing clothes -him
kids bedroom - kids
toilet - kids
bathroom - kids
living room and dining room ( one room really) is split - PS2 corner - whoever played there last
computer side - him cos hes anal about the notes and post-its he has everywwhere about wizards and goblins - don't ask it old you already.
dining room table - one of the kids -the nearest to shout to at the time
setting table - kids
cooking - done between us fairly evenly
lawnmowing - i do cos listen to this ...during the week " i've been working all day" saturday " but its weekend" sunday " its a day of rest"
so i do it.
shopping we both do as i have the car and am not being blamed for not getting his favourite food or stuff he likes and amnot doing allt he carrying and putting away on my own.
putting away of shopping he does fridge and freezer and ido cupboards - becuase ilike tine to be in order and facing forwards so you know what you've got - am not anal am not anal am not anal.
floors in living room dining room - him

think thats covred it

my goodnes, custardo, thanks! Your DP/DH must do his fair share of the work if you've got time to write that post?!!!!!

get your shopping online so you don't have to worry about that

How about you both write down your average days... i suspect his will be up, wash, dress, eat, work, eat, tv, sleep. Yours will be SOOOOO much more! compare it with him and point out that you have, maybe 10 minutes a day to yourself, and you start work when you get up and finish when you go to bed. perhaps you could guilt him into helping... or put a list of jobs on a kitchen cupboard (next to the beer ) and tick them off as they are done, he may notice exactly what needs doing to keep a house and a family running...
I am afraid to say that as a working mum I have resigned mysef to the fact that I have to let some things slide...and that's with a supportive dh. I am not wonderwoman!

flossam - lol your absolutley right - am off work and have done the kitchen out of guilt

Well he likes the star chart/beer idea. Although he is already trying to negotiate the amount of beers involved. I want him to loose weight though! Maybe he'll burn more calories doing all that cleaning though!

We just do whatever needs doing when it needs doing although dh does majority of cooking.

I couldnt bear to be with anyone who felt anyother way.

Havent read all posts so appologies if im repeating.
We have a good system going but every now and again i need to pull dh back and remind him of the rules as they slip some what.
I work 20 hours over 2 days, he works full time, Mon~Fri.
The majority falls to me.
Ok, meals are planned a week in advance, shopping every monday night by me.
The rest of the week i do things as they need to be done.
I usually reserve Mondays for the cleaning (i work most w/ends and dh is off, therefore the house is a sh*t tip by Monday)
Washing is done, one load every day, ironing 1~2 times a week in the hour that ds is sleeping, usually over 2 days due to volume.
All washing up/drying up is done after finished eating by us both. Tidy as you go.
This was something that worried me when i was due to go back to work but it all seemed to sort itself out.
HTH.

Message withdrawn

I'm the same as Pruni. My dh doesn't seem to notice that the housework needs done, but is quite happy to do it if I ask him. I would like it if he actually used his initiative and worked out what was needing done all by himself, but that ain't gonna happen - so my blow ups will probably continue, as will my instructions and lists for him.

Message withdrawn

i have to tell DP to do it and then he will although sometimes he does put up a fight! cant seperate him and DD though

Both work full time, so we split what needs doing roughly 50:50 although we each have our own particular job. He does lawns and cars, I do weeds and ironing for example. But then neither of us are obsessive about having every little thing done (thank goodness, as we don't actually have time to do everything!), so it doesn't rile either of us if things get a little behind occasionally, as as long as some basic standards are maintained.

Both work full time. we have our "own jobs".

He does cleaning downstairs, I do upstairs, he does ironing, I do washing, he mows the lawns, I do the gardening, we share the cooking.

very 50:50 - we are a tam, plus he knows what he can do if he doesn't like it!!

Both work fulltime. We now have a cleaner, but only got one after our third child. I used to clean during the week. 1-2 rooms a day and I cleaned with my children. Soop and water and a bit of splashing about is fun for any child! I used to do more than DH, but I preferred it to nagging him. It all balanced out in the end as he did big jobs at the weekend. Men can't mulit-task so well and often find it difficult to have several tasks in one day poor sods.....
If you can afford it, I think the solution is a cleaner when your children are very small. Later you can use them as cleaners of course! Also, ordering online on Ocado is free delivery and saves hours!!

when I worked full time - we took turns... although he would often keep dd1 occupied whilst I did the cleaning. Cooking and dishes etc were shared.

my dd (12) asked me what the "debate" was on mumsnet - i told her iwas looking at something to do with SAHMs. "oh no" she said " don't ever do that - you make us tidy up all the time".......then she let slip " dad only makes us do it - when you phone him from work to ask if its done"

i'm cooking fried mr custardo balls for tea tonight!

Custardo - is that one on any of the Recipe threads?! I honestly don't know where I went wrong. DH is lovely in many ways but truly, he is the laziest man in the universe. I don't know if he honestly doesn't see the complete s**t hole that the house can descend into but he can be "working from home" (which usually translates to playing Age of Empires" / Checkers on the PC and raiding the kids' sweet jar depsite the fact that there is a cupboard / fridge full of fresh healthy lunchy type food but that's another thread...grrr)and he may unload the dishwasher if I'm lucky but that's it. I've been off work today as DS2 isn't well and have done 3 loads of washing, misc tidying up, 2 dishwasher loads/ unloads, online shop with Ocado (I know - not exactly hard work but if I didn't do the shopping we would live on takeaways and be using the Guardian as loo roll), fumigating DS1's room (cleaning doesn't even begin to cover what was required in that room - ugh!) plus ministering to DS2 and cooking dinner. DH NEVER cooks unless its burgers and isn't interested in learning/trying to cook even the most basic things - "we should play to our strengths darling" he says. He is another one who says "just tell me what needs doing and I'll do it" but it winds me up that he can't see what needs doing (kitchen full of washing up, wash basket overflowing, living room floor knee deep in cat hair) and when I DO ask him to do something its always "in a minute". This makes him sound awful but he isn't at all and I love him very much but how can I get him to do his fair share without nagging which is what his "just tell me what needs doing and I'll doit" feels like to me. He doesn't even do the "manly" (for want of a better word!) things such as DIY, the garden etc without that nagging thing! Finally, (sorry, but once I started I just had to get this all off my chest! )on the subject of a cleaner, we had a cleaner for a couple of years (believe it or not, while he was unemployed cos he was "too busy" every day looking for work sat at the PC)and I just refused to clean at the weekends after working full time all week (not so high and mighty now!). It was really hit or miss as to how well the house had been cleaned and I spent half the weekend going round after her finishing off what she should have done so, unless you can get a cleaner who is recommended by a neighbour / friend its worth thinking twice before shelling out your hard earned money for a cleaner.

Misspiggy, are you sure we are not married to the same man ? I also work full time, look after DS who is 14 mo, do all shopping in my lunch hour, all laundry, cooking , tidying, and preparing DS?s lunch, snacks etc for DS to take to nursery next day.
DH is sooo lazy. Yesterday I came home from work at 6.00 pm, fed DS his dinner, brought the shopping bags in and left them by the front door as I had to take DS for a walk and did not have time to unpack.
Guess what ? I come back from the walk and DH who got back from work by then, was lying on the sofa, can of beer in one hand, watching TV. He passed the shopping in the hallway and completely ignored it !!!
I do have a cleaner 3 hrs a week and after my family, she is the person I ?love? most. I don?t know what I would do without her. DH does give DS baths in the evening if he?s back from work on time and 90% of time he is