I Don't love my Daughter!

[LouLou80]

hi, my names Louise, i am 29 and i have a husband who i have been with for over 10 years. i have a 9 year old Son and 3 years ago i had twins, a boy and a girl. I have a situation that i often feel guilty about and i wonder if its normal for this to happen. Basically i love my boys to bits but i do not love my daughter, i never have done. I do care about her and i don't wish any harm towards her but its always been about my boys. When the twins were born I immediately bonded with my second Son but had trouble bonding with my daughter. I totally focused on my newborn son and resented having her around. It got so bad that after 6 months i took her to my mums and left her there. I would see her quite often either when i visited my mum or my mum came to me and i made sure that the boys got to see their sister. i would give my mum money towards her food and clothes and i would make sure everything was ok. I even enjoyed seeing her at times but was always glad to leave her behind afterwards. Earlier this year my mum sat down with me and said that as much as she loved having her live with her she felt that it was time for me to try and bond with her more and suggested that it was time to have her live with me again, i agreed to this so she came to live with me in April. Three months later she went back to live with her nan because it wasn't working at all. Perhaps we didn't give it much time but she missed her nan, her nan missed her, the boys were not used to having a girl around 24/7 and as for me? well i really tried but i just don't love her like i love the boys. So now things are back as they were. She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. But its the fact that i don't love my daughter that does sometimes bother me and i do feel bad that i rejected her the way i did and that i took her and left her with my mum. As it happens my mum loves having her and she is a fit and active woman so its not a problem. But why don't i love my daughter like i love my boys? any thoughts/advice? i'm not a bad person am i?

[uberalice]

Lou, you are not selfish, or bad. But you do need some help with this. Please call the number in tiktok's post.

[wannaBe]

I agree with everything that custardo has said.

And while I agree that op does need some professional help, I don't think that this thread should be free from judgement. It's precisely the lack of judgement and the acceptance of what op is feeling that has allowed this situation to develop in the first place and has enabled the op to quite openly reject one of her children with the support of her mother and husband.

It's simply not acceptable to decide you don't want one of your children and to drop them off at your mother's to bring her up. What would have happened if your mother had said no? Would you have put her into care? Put her up for adoption? Or would you have been forced to take responsibility and cared for her as you should have done in the first place.

Quite frankly it is your daughter who deserves the sympathy and compassion. Look at the threads on here from posters who have had traumatic upbringings at the hands of their mothers. Not one of them expresses compassion for the mothers - you're not any different because your child is still a little girl who is unable to speak up for herself.

I do think you should seek some counselling, for your daughter and the rest of your family who you will also have damaged through your abandonment of your innocent child.

And you should go to your mother's today and collect your poor daughter and bring her home to become a part of her rightful family.

[motherbeyond]

i think this is so sad...for your daughter.i can't believe there's never been any outside help?
i think if you didn't ever want a girl and didn't think you would be happy being with a daughter, only "ok".. that you shouldn't have had ANY children at all.
children,whatever their sex,are a blessing. how can you reject her because of the sex she was born?
i also think it's a bit of a cop out saying it didn't work because she "missed her nan".Could it be that it wasn't just that she missed her primary care giver,but she understood that she was not wanted in your family,only tolerated?

i can tell you from experience,having been rejected by a parent,that unless you sort your shit out,not only will your daughter resnt you,but your boys will too.
you think they'll feel comfortable knowing that their mother didn't want their sibling?

i have anger that has haunted me all my life because of my situation,i suffer from a lack of confidence,insecurity and many other emotional problems..it's a fucking miracle that i found someone who has taught me how to be happy at last,and say to hell with them.there is still time for you to remedy this.stop being so self centred and think of the child that YOU CHOSE to bring into this world,and then abandon.

[HumphreyCobbler]

I do think any more posters should read Tiktok's 10.59 post before commenting.

[Weegle]

Ok this too has touched a nerve with me as well, like others, and I have deliberated all morning thinking about whether to post.

I was a second child (not twin) abandoned by my mother (and my father went along with it) to live with my Gran. I was abandoned at 6 weeks and rejoined the 'family' around 1, so I don't have any recollection of it. From then on I was definitely second best.

Massive amounts of damage was done. My knowledge that I was not wanted haunts me. I've really struggled with the fact that if my own mother couldn't love me then no one really could, and at some point everyone will leave. A lot of therapy and love from DH and friends has got me to a place where it doesn't rule my life, or my child's.

But it's not JUST the damage to your daughter that I think you are failing to recognise. What about the damage to your beloved boys (if that is the way to access your heartstrings)? When they are men, maybe with families of their own, do you think they are going to understand your actions? Do you think they will understand their father's actions? Do you think they will respect you and think what you did to their sister was acceptable? My sister supposedly had a good bond with my mother but as soon as she was old enough to question why I, her sister, was treated differently it made her angry - very angry. And in many ways she has been as damaged by the situation as I was, despite being the 'wanted' child. Perhaps more so as she struggles with guilt over what she had, versus what I didn't.

Your boys won't forgive you for this unless you do everything in your power to love their sister, and at the very least welcome her back in to the home and ACT that she is equal to them. Of course you now don't feel the same for your girl as your boys, because you simply don't know her - it is your responsibility as her mother, whether you like it or not, to change this now. To put her first now. To nurture her now. And in the future, when she is an adult, be willing to look her in the eye and admit how you failed her but how you did EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) to get back on track.

Frequently I encounter things I find hard as a result of my childhood. Not least at the moment the severe grief I have over losing my grandmother, the one who loved me as a mother should have done. A grief none of the other grandchildren share or can relate to. Please do something about this now, and don't rob an innocent child of the love they deserve. And please, if nothing else makes you think - but if you love your boys as you say you do, just think, for one minute - if what has happened to your girl had one of them in her place. Would that not break your heart?

[HerHonesty]

i think a lot of us have read tiktok's posting but quite honestly OP does not appear to want to be helped and happy with care siuation... and horses cannot be taken to water.

so perhaps a health dose of what people really think is necessary to shock op into action

and also what is best for her daughter in this scenario?

[roxy12]

I really believe you need to get some help with this.
It really isnt fair on your daughter and she will feel it.

You need to bond with her.

This has brought tears to my eyes.

I can honestly say i dont no how you can do that and take her to her nannys.

But on the other hand you cant help the way you feel.

Good luck and i hope it will work out for u.

[babycakes2]

i dont think you deserve to be a mother at all. you cant pick and choose who to be a mother to. how very selfish. feel sorry for ALL your children. what happens if you decide you dont like one of your sons? will you give them away too?

[scottishmummy]

people can and should post as they wish,and obviously most will be aghast.we cannot tell other poster for whom this is pertinent not to reply or state a contrary opinion.but lets face it this breaches most social norms and is pretty shocking.it has major implications for attachment and psycho-social development of her daughter

something tells me lou is too lost anyway to fully take on board any admonishment -and as lou herself says something isnt right here

but honestly someone in such turmoil and psychiatric crisis with skewed family dynamics doesnt need online help.she needs RL help

[weegiemum]

I understand what tiktok is saying.....

BUT

I wish someone had taken my mother aside when I was 12, when she left (me, my sis, my bro and my Dad) to persue her own agenda) and told her the potential damage it woudl do.

I have serious issues with depression and other mental health issues I can't go into here, my sis has been on the verge of alcoholism (possibly tipped over) and is narcissistic, would do anything, an dI mean anything, to please out mother, my bro has suffered in many ways including her taking him in and then throwing him out again when he was 20.

I wish someone could have told my mum (who, in her own opionion, has a perfect life, has made no mistakes, has never apologised) what damage she could do.

She damages herself now, as well. I have 3 fabulous kids, and she never sees them, and has not asked to, since I cut contact. But she is missing out ont he Grandchildren that bring so much joy to the other Grandparents! her choice, of course!)

[LouLou80]

if i didn't want help and if i was happy with this situation why the hell would i bother to come on here and ask for peoples advice? i quite honestly knew i was going to get a hard time and i accept. But if i didn't care i wouldn't bother to make the post.

But anyway i agree with those who say that sitting here talking about it won't help. i will be taking action on this.

[OnlyWantsOne]

loulou plese do some thing to make this right x

[LouLou80]

babycakes my eldest son is almost 10 years old and there hasn't been a day gone by i haven't wanted him, so it is unlikely i will abandon him now isn't it? and i adore my other boy.

[franklymydear]

I found my daughters harder to bond with than my sons. But you just do it. I have never analysed why but I wonder if I see myself more in them.

Every day you act it until you get those moments where it feels natural and then you hold on to them tightly and try and make more of them.

You don't give up.

You need to get your daughter back. And you need to work at it.

[Horton]

I'm really pleased that you are going to do something about the situation, LouLou. Have read the whole thread but didn't have anything helpful to add. Hope you can sort it all out and feel happier for yourself as well as your daughter - one thing that worries me is that if it is your own upbringing that's led to you feeling like this, maybe it is affecting your daughter too?

[scottishmummy]

so take some action.stop faffing on MN Lou start with GP for referrals
the person who can initiate change is you

[babycakes2]

you are seriously messed up. you dont deserve your sons. how would you feel if they turn round in a few years time and tell you they dont love you? and quite honestly, if they find out about what you have done to their sister, i wouldnt be surprised if thats exactly what they do.

get a grip woman, get on with it and sort out your life. dont waste your time posting on here, find some help NOW. its not too late.
you have had plenty of pointers. in the time you have been responding to posts you could hhave made the first step towards resolving the situation.

most of think what you are doing is wrong, but all of us are mothers, know how hard motherhood is and believe me we will all be rooting for you and your dd to sort this out.

[maggievirgo]

Everybody has praised custy's post, when imo all she did was judge you harshly. How is that helpful. (normally a fan of custy's posts).

I wouldn't say that I don't love my daughter, but, I lean over to kiss my son so instinctively. And then, to be equal, I kiss my daughter too. I tell my son I love him when I put him to bed, and the words just errupt out of my mouth naturally... Then when I go next door and read to my daughter I say the same to her, because that's what I shoud do. I know my duaghter well, she has no idea how I feel. I know what she loves, what makes her laugh, what she likes to wear, who her friends are, what she's thinking... I think that despite the imbalance of my love (and I do love her) I am a good mother to her...

I agree with the poster who says that if you go to counseling, don't talk about it on Mumsnet. People queueing up to judge you won't help you. YOU know it's not quite right. People being so sharp and blunt about that won't change anything.

Listen to the counsellors, and listen to the words you hear yourself saying to her.

gl

[LouLou80]

they already know what i have done to their sister babycakes, they aren't stupid.and i have already said that i am going to make steps towards dealing with this.

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

I've only read the OP, but I was wondering what your husband thinks, feels and says about this? doesn't he want to have his daughter living with him?

I can't imagine how you are feeling, it seems like an 'impossible' thing to me(I mean I don't think I could ever not love a child I've given birth to), though after my own Dd was born, I went through a short stage of not being able to kiss my Ds and felt he was slightly less important to me. I gave myself a talking to and put it right ~ but that was me and it was not what you are obviously going through...

I hope you can resolve it, I really do. All children are precious, but our own children should mean the world to us ~ all of them.

[Lizzylou]

Please do as Tiktok suggests, Lou.

She has made perfect sense, as she says "seize the day".

You can change this situation and how you feel, but you need help to do so.

Please everyone else stop being so harsh to Op. This is a desperate woman who has come on MN because she knows the situation is wrong, she knows she needs to change it.

[scottishmummy]

Lou stop wasting time arguing the toss about your motives.you are unlikely to change anyone mind and most likely will get a pasting

you can not defend the indefensible Lou

but you can log off and prioritise this as an immediate to do.you logged on at 09.05.have you made any calls about this, what are you going to do

i do think if you continue to post but maintain this level of inertia then you are coming across as not prioritising this

MN does not need you
your daughter does

[wannaBe]

louLou do they know it is because you don't love her? How have you explained to them why their sister doesn't live with you all as a family?

[poopscoop]

The poor little girl. Sorry to say this but your DH is a very very very weak man. Allowing you to give up his daughter, whatever your feelings is very much

[babycakes2]

how very awful that your sons may think what you are doing is normal. so now you are potentially damaging three kids.

so you have said you are going to do something - why arent you doing it NOW????

if only for the sake of your sons.