I think I've lost the plot with my 'parenting'

[handlemecarefully]

She is lovely my dd, she really is, but she is also a right royal pain in the arse and I am sure I must be culpable in some way.

She's 2.10.

This is commom to a lot of toddlers I know, but she is so bloody awkward. How strict should I be with the following examples:

Not sitting at the table - standing on her seat to reach over to the other side of the table and knocking something over in the process. - Should I require her to sit on her bottom throughout the meal and not be so informal at the table? I get embarrassed when we are eating in public as I am sure I get looks

Having dicky fits if I push the button to the lift rather than her, if I flush the loo rather than her, if I give her a yellow spoon rather than a red one, if I lift her baby brother into the bath before her.... - Should I be pandering to these whims (currently I do let her do all of this although it's not convenient sometimes, and makes things more cumbersome and complicated), or should I be ignoring her and doing what is practical and expedient for me

I wonder if I am creating a little fiend by being too conciliatory with her and not strict enough. But again...can you be too strict

(I know she doesn't sound too challenging from these examples but I probably haven't explained it very well - you try spending a day with her!)

This takes a lot to admit - so please don't be harsh or judgemental, but occasionally my anger and frustration with the 'abuse' she deals out to me (it feels like abuse, of course, I do realise she is too little to realise that she is distressing me and doesn't mean to cause upset) wells up and I smack her / push her (I so hate weakening and doing that), or I'm mentally quite spiteful to her...(i.e harsh in what I say to her or unsympathetic and cold)

Lol Hatsoff! What a great line. My dd usually says 'I want an apple juice' and my reply is 'I want a polite daughter!' usually makes her laugh, and she gets round to saying please - but bad manners is a bone of contention for me.

HMC - I realised that my dd was mirroring my behaviour (which has become especially bad since ds was born a year ago) - grumpy. grouchy and unreasonable. Sometimes, I think if she spoke to me the way I speak to her, I'd disown her! Poor love.

That's a good point Hatsoff (haven't managed to go to bed yet and have recovered composure - thanks for the virtual hug emkana and for the empathy jampots) - we do a lot of shouting in this house...not out of anger, but because dh and I are expressive and errr colourful. Have wondered if she is a bit shouty and tantrummy because dh and I have adult 'tantrums' (well, I prefer to call it letting off steam!)

It wouldn't hurt to analyse my own behaviour a bit more....

really am going to bed now however - will check in tomorrow though because I wouldn't want to miss any other posts if people take the time and trouble to offer advice

thanks all
x

(you've been really helpful and I'm feeling a bit better)

sadly dd now talks like I do which isnt what you would like from a 12 yo! Often dh says "you sound like a little version of your mum" which is marginally better than sounding like a little version of her dad!

hmc - I do understand about being a smacked child. No matter how much you disagree with smacking, it still flashes into your mind because it's what would have happened to you. Sometimes I think I'm angry with my daughter because I let her get away with things I would never have been allowed to get away with myself. Some of that anger is really envy and self-pity.

On the other hand, when I get it wrong - shout when I shouldn't, or [whispers] smack (only a couple of times) I'm struck by how little it upsets her. I hope that it's because I treat her well most of the time, so when I slip up it doesn't rock her faith in the world.

My daughter is always willing to accept an apology graciously - a skill I didn't learn, since my mother never apologised to me about anything until I was 38, and then only very obliquely.

I've been reading "Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline" by Becky Bailey and really liking it. (It might be "too American" for some people -- she is occasionally relentlessly upbeat, but I like the fact that in her "good" examples the parents still lose it when the kid goes to far and have to regroup.)

You can be too strict. When you're being too strict, you're sending the message "You don't matter". When you're being too permissive, you're sending the message "I don't matter". The goal is to send the message "We both matter -- I care how you
feel but I'm not going to let you run things".

The important thing is to learn new strategies. You can't teach (or learn) not-doing, you can only teach doing. So teaching yourself to not-smack is just as hard as teaching her to not-tantrum. Instead, I suggest picking up a book or a class on parenting techniques to learn some other things to try. I feel dumb retelling other people's advice when 15-month old DD only has mini-tantrums, but I could produce suggestions from other places.

www.gentlechristianmothering.com has a gentle discipline board and an "unprepared for parenting" board, both of which have marvelous advice from people trying to have well behaved kids without smacking them. Despite the name, they are not all Christians. However, a bunch of them are, so some people may have to breathe deeply sometimes when they get particularly religious and American. I've been impressed though -- when things get particularly religious, you get a lot of "Well, prayer is always good, but have you considered trying professional counselling/anti-depressants/telling your husband his behavior is unacceptable/going out for a nice cup of coffee without the kids?"