Is one more fun?

[fatmomma]

Hello all,

I'm new to mumsnet and enjoying following the conversations. This is my first attempt at kicking one off.

I have one ds, almost 2 years old, and absolutely adore having him. The majority of the time he is a pleasure to be with and even when he is being difficult I can cope with the stress.

Since he was born dh and I have been adamant that we were not having any more but lately I am starting to question this. Am I being selfish by denying him a brother or sister? Will he be lonely growing up? I even worry that when we die he will be all alone! Or am I just feeling this way because my friends are starting to have their 2nd babies and I'm jealous/feeling left out (I loved being pregnant).

If you were an only child what do you think? If you were from a big family would you have prefered to be an only? How did having your second child change your parenting experience?

I'd love to hear what you think.

fatmomma

No time to read all the answers, but having read your original post fatmomma, I have to say that, as a parent of 4 children, having your second child does definitely add a new dimension to parenting. Whether that is something everyone should have or not is up for debate, but yes, having 2 or more is different to just having one. I will be shouted down here, but I have always felt that having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a family. Perhaps that is unfair, but it certainly opens up a whole load of new experiences: sibling rivalry, sibling friendship, learning to share, learning to divide your time, etc.

Thank LM

I struggle to cope with the fact that DS will be an only child and now, DH and I are only parents not a family unit.

Cheers

Lonelymum-apt name ,perhaps your knack of saying ridiculous and hurtful things makes you lonely??Me,dh,ds are a Family just like you and yours.Yes there are disadvantages occasionally,but likewise your large amount of childrn will experience advantages and disadvantags in their family set up ,wont they?

wilfulwife

LM

Is a really nice person, I hope it was just an unfortunate post.

But it did hurt me, but lets not gang up on her, she is really nice honest

Hi there,

I'm in the same position as you - only one child who is now 2yr4m. I love him to bits but a brother or sister is not going to be an option, primarily because DS was a bit of a lucky break (we were told that conception was unlikely - we proved them wrong ).

I worry about this sometimes too so am glad you asked the question you have. The replies you have had have reassured me though.

I am sorry if I upset anyone when I sid what I did. I know how it feels to be upset by posters! I just meant there are a whole lot of issues when you have 2 children that one doesn't present. Afterall, I had one child once you know. I really didn't mean to upset anyone. Can I say the same for you?

Hi lonelymum, I have heard this phrase before and am not easily offended anyway . It's the 'other stuff' about having a second child that gives me pause. Having said that with my original baby (german shepherd dog)in the house we certainly have our share of squabling over toys and jealous sulking!

Glad you are not offended FM. I didn't mean anything offensive, but I guess I am not explaining myself very well so had better not dig myself any deeper into the hole.

LM,if i was hurtful in what i said then sorry but i do get thoroughly fed up that people find it acceptable to pass comment on children with no siblings,believe me i have been astounded by some things i have heard in RL ,to me it's no diffrent than saying "all children from single parents end up drug takers in borstal"or whatever obvious utter rubbish people spout.Its just so frustrating that people make these comments when hand on heart from my immediate group of friends you would never pick my child out as being an only,infact the whingiest,demanding kids i currently know are 3 brothers!

What LM said is true for me.. I had brothers, but they r 9 yrs older & I detest them. After marrying young & having children so young, my parents were keen to lead their own lives & even tho' I grew up in a noisy busy household (cousins lived w/ us, too) -- I still think I was more like an only child than one of many... I didn't have a strong feeling about the importance of my immediate family (I care more about my cousins, tbh!).

Because I grew up in a busy household I knew I wanted that for my children, too. My 2 boys are both very sociable, and I've no doubt they prefer being one of many, they wouldn't prefer being only child (whereas my girl would probably love to be an only) Thing is, a lot of the single-child families I observe don't get the balance right. What I often see, and I imagine it's very easy to slip into, is doting on a single child, over-protecting them, pinning too many hopes on them, over-indulging them or fretting about their every development.

I am one of two. I wasn't particularly close to my sister as a child although we were close in age - we are very different. We have become closer as we have got older though (post children really) and I wouldn't be without her now. My Dad died three years ago and I couldn't have got through it without her. I would worry about that I think if I had an only child.

I don't know many only children. But the ones I do know are miles from Zebra's description - they are all lovely children, not at all indulged. It all depends on the parents doesn't it? The only thing I notice is that they are a bit more 'adult' - I do think that the balance of two adults and one child means that they do more adult activities than my two do. They seem more grown up than mine in some ways.

I actually think it can be harder work having an only child - I think there's more of a pressure to sort out playdates and organise them a bit more socially. My two will quite happily entertain each other, but one of our friends with an only is always borrowing ds to be company for her son - she finds it hard sometimes to keep him entertained.

By the way the most spoilt children I know are 'only grandchildren' - there are two of them but they have four grandparents falling over themselves to buy (and competing over) toys and treats - all very very expensive at that!

Some decisions are easier with one child - for eg I think private school would suit ds (3rd of 4 children) but as we couldn't afford to pay for all 4, it's not an easy decision to make. Also, it's not always easy to have the holiday of your choice when you have 4 children to consider.
The children all have friends who are only children and I must say they are confident, articulate and great fun, as well as being polite!

I had the opposite experience to puddle. I am the elder of 2 children. When we were young me and my brother were very very close. Since we've grown up we've fallen out bigtime a couple of times. Usually I find it better to pretend he doesn't exist He's not interested in my children & his number one priority is himself. We've suffered the loss of our father & 2 grandparents in the last 9 years & his involvement with mum/the arrangements has been minimal. (I remember the birthdays, the anniversaries- it's me she rings when she just can't take it, yet I'm 4 hours away & he's only 30 mins)

I would never recommend having a second just for the benefit of the first- there are too many variables. Only have a second because you want to.