Just want to beat up on myself for a minute :(

[Nic04]

I have a ds who is 4.8 and I'm in my late thirties. Dh is mid-forties & he has a couple of adult children from first marriage, so basically ds is an only child. The problem is that even though I love ds very much (and tell him every day), I'm finding it harder to be tolerant, particularly if I'm tired. This is making me feel really down about myself at the moment as it's not ds' fault that he's nearly 5 and is obviously going to do things that 'bug' me sometimes, because that is what kids do. And the thing that really bothers me is I remember all too well that my mother used to snap at me when I was a child whenever she was in a bad mood. I remember the hurt it caused me when she would turn on me with a scowling face and berate me even when I'd done nothing wrong, and this led me to believe that she probably just didn't like me. I vowed I would not do this to my own child but my patience gets the better of me sometimes (no doubt my age is also a factor), and this morning I just sat down and cried because I told my son off for something that probably didn't warrant a 'telling off'.

He's been getting up in the morning on his own for quite a while now, he generally plays with his toys or watches tv and he has no problems changing his own clothes and getting himself food or drink. While I'm not a late riser, I struggle to get a good night's sleep most of the time (have had quite a bit of insomnia for the last few years) and for some unknown reason, the last few mornings ds has woken me up early just for the sake of it. To top it off, dh is away regularly with his job so I'm on my own with ds a lot. I went off at him this morning and gave him a lecture about not waking me up unnecessarily and then for the next hour I was cranky & impatient with him while I was trying to get him ready for pre-school. After I dropped him off I wondered exactly how bad I'm making him feel about himself. I try to praise him regularly and tell him every day that I love him, I know I do A LOT of good things for him as well but I'm just getting tired of my own intolerance. Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself but then perhaps I'm expecting too much of a four year old as well. BTW I do take something to help me sleep sometimes and I also try to take 'time out' to enjoy myself, but I just think I should be much more patient than I sometimes am. Please tell me I'm not alone

GINA FORD ROUTINE for grown-ups: I figured it seemed to help my babies, what about me? I have tried lots of things over the years regarding sleep. I recently had a very painful slipped disc that tested my sanity, but still slept quite well throughout, partly I believe because of these measures (in random order, from self-help books mainly):

-Worthwhile investments: Organise total Blackout for windows, and get double glazing even secondary, or plant trees and shrubs under window to help deaden noises. Is your bed comfy? do you need a different mattress? Could you move the bedroom to a quieter or darker spot? You will probably soon be having to wake your boy up, you know! Take his room if it is better!

-do more exercise in the day unless you are already underweight or superfit-but not right before bed (except yoga, meditaion etc, that's good to wind down). Walk somewhere extra each day, deliberately, just for starters. Start today! Make him join you, that should wear the little darling out! Swimming kills my kids.
This does for the depression too in a double whammy.

-A part-time job or volunteer work will help tire you out in a good way, and distract you from feeling crap during the day. Sign up now! Try your local www.netmums.com -they have info under "getting involved". What do (or did, if you feel like the answer is nothing right now) you care about? Environment? What about the local school your son attends or will attend, mine is always whining for help, read to kids, counting tesco vouchers or whatever.

-Drugs: no caffeine after 5 pm (you might not even be able to take it after 12, or at all-experiment!). No alcohol at least for a few weeks while you are training yourself, it disturbs sleep. You could try a course of sleeping tablets, even over the counter ones, just for 2 weeks as part of your sleep training. My mum (PND like me, from a long line of depressives) swore by a couple of paracetamol, I think it helps with subliminal aches and pains.

-Do a WRITTEN bedtime routine for yourself like: (this one is very extensive, you can just start with 2 or 3 items)
1)get stuff ready for tomorrow (clothes laid out, and get stuff you need if you are going out tomorrow, ready by the door), (less worry in morning)
2)a little dull simple task like ironing a few things, or similar (achievement)
3) then read or watch tv or something quiet YOU enjoy, (reward)
4) warm non-caffeine drink (relaxation, nutrition and hydration),
5) warm bath, (relaxation)
6) strict bedtime-stick to it unless you decide to change it permanently

-No reading, watching tv, hyper music or stressful conversations in bed. (I started keeping a journal recently to note my thoughts of the previous day (stole my daughters pretty gel pens!), I think it helps me release the day and stop worrying on and on.)

-Cut back on the time you lie in bed. Get up early and the same time every day REGARDLESS of what happened the night before (tough especially at first-but this trains you). If you can get up before the kids you will discover some excellent ME time in peace. Maybe you can have something you enjoy waiting for you- coffee on a timer, a book, magazine, internet-that you save for only then as a reward and to tempt you out of bed. I went out and did some gardening this morning before work! (first time in years)(I am really narked that I don't get to pursue any of my pre-kid hobbies, my neighbors must think I am insane, but were probably still asleep).

-If you adore lying-in, you can have this back as a reward in a few weeks, but from now on reserve it for one day a week. Sorry! If you don't manage it one morning, don't beat yourself up, just resolve to do it the next. Anyway you already have a sargeant major to roust you in the form of your son-be grateful he is trying to help (just kidding (smile))

-If you achieve this morning wake-up routine for a couple of weeks and it doesn't help, try to stay up a bit later as well. I finally tried this after years of going to bed earlier and earlier because I was so tired, and it was the best thing for me.

-Don't sweat it-i.e. don't expect to sleep 8 hours a day-I now get by happily on 6.5 (of ACTUAL sleep). Many people don't need 8 hours and most need less as they get older. 6 hours of decent sleep in a comfy bed, plus 2-3 hours of NON-bed gentle coming-round at least, or maybe even getting something read, planned or done, is much better than 8 hours of half-sleep and fretting.

Basically you have to try give yourself a break, AND some discipline- AND arrange some rewards and little treats, just like you do for kids. You will feel better as soon as you decide to take a single step out of this bind, and much better in a few weeks (not overnight I'm afraid). And this is a life sentence, you have to work at it for life, like diet and marriage and anything else.

Good luck

If you really are tired all the time, then I'd consider a trip to the Gp to get yourself checked out for thyroid, anaemia etc. Also consider if you might be depressed. Tiredness is a symptom of depression. I'm 41 with a three year old and an 11 week old and I'm not tired. Not showing off, just pointing out that it isn't inevitable. I don't think late thirties is remotely old to have a five year old (well, I wouldn't, would I? ) However, I think being alone with your child a lot can lead to snappiness though. WHen your husband is around does he do his share of parenting? If not, I think this might be an area you could work on together. Also does he have to be away so much, or is he bunking off?
If you can rule out depression and/or a physical problem, I think you should try to deal with your sleep probems - ie wake up at the same time every day (eg 7am), cut out caffeine, get up if you don't feel sleepy etc (the regime all sleep specialists recommend).
I don't think you sound like a wicked mother at all. If you tell him you love him every day, apologise when you've been unreasonable and try to keep pointless irritation in check then you are doing as well as anyone, pretty much. However, you know yourself, your son and your situation, and if you think you are picking on him then you may well be right. But you sound really intelligent and you love your child so you could simply make a resolution every day to try to behave differently. That's what I do if I think I've been a bit preoccupied or snappy. I bet your son loves you to bits anyway!

My dad says each morning, that he slept like a baby-woke up every hour and cried!

Nic04 - I know exactly how you feel - especially the bit about wanting to be more laid back and calm. My mum is not an especially calm person adn I never wanted to be like she was with my own children. Not that she was a terrible mother. I always knew she loved me and we have managed to maintain a good, if not particularly close, relationship. But she used to shout a lot and now I'm the one that does the shouting. Then I feel bad about myself for being that way.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit - see a post I started under 'Feeling Depressed' for a bit more clarity.

thread

Sugarmag, I had a look at your thread (haven't read the whole thing yet) but part of your original post struck a chord with me -

"Mostly I just feel angry - and my daughter ends up taking the brunt of that. I'm sure that' s not fair to her. Then I do end up feeling down because I know I should be more patient with her. Except even when she's not testing me - when she just wants to play, I can't be bothered. I tell myself it's perfectly normal for a 33 year old not to want to play sleeping beauty for the 1000th time - but maybe it's more than that?"

That sounds very much like me with my 4 yr old son. The feelings you describe - feeling angry for no particular reason - and feeling that you just can't be bothered playing with them. I hate it, hate it, hate it... but as yet I don't know how to overcome it. I've had a fair bit of stress in my life over the last few years, and have always been a bit prone to depression (although not severe). It's almost like we feel as though life is just not the way we imagined it to be or something..? I really believe that I took on some of my parents' issues while I was growing up and that somehow they're still affecting me, although of course I know I can't blame it entirely on them. I just have a bit of a 'fog' there where my parents are concerned.

I'm doing a bit better lately in that I try to be aware of how I might be reacting towards ds, and I try not to make mountains out of molehills. I think I tell him I love him so often, to try and make up for the times when my actions probably aren't up to scratch It's very hard some days and it's a real struggle trying to be an 'ideal' mum - I just wish it came more naturally than it does.

That's just it - it's harder than I thought it would be. I know how I want to be - I want to be the mum who's easy-going and laid back and fun, who doesn't mind if the kids rub play-dough into the carpet when your not looking and who loves spending hours at the swings adn who can be firm (yet gentle) when the situation requires. But the reality is that the negative actions - the discipline etc come easier than the fun stuff. Why is that?

I tell my daughter that I love her and that she's special all the time but I feel like I have to make a conscious effort to spend "quality" time with her. I mean I do spend plenty of time with her - we go to the park, we paint, I read to her pretty much every night. But it's like, after an hour or so I want to stop being mummy for a little while - I want to sit with a cup of coffee and a book, or sunbathe or have a nap, or talk to my friends without contstant interruption. Except their demands for your time/energy/attention don't stop after an hour. They just keep on coming. I get to that point where I just wand her to leave me alone - and it's like you said - I hate, hate, hate that feeling.

Does it make me a bad mother? Would I feel differently if I took anti-depressants? Would I feel differently if i was in counselling? Or maybe this is just the way it is and nobody warned us?

Do you know, I confided in an old friend the other day (who lives far away from me now and doesn't see me with my kids) about how I shout at my daughter and how bad it makes me feel. And she said it wasn't really suprising considering how my mum was when we were little. It wasn't until she said it out loud that I even realised I was copying her behaviour.

Like you I am trying really hard to be more aware of my behaviour and not to over-react about small things - but it is hard, isn't it?

Have you thought of going to see a Homoeopath?
Mine is marvellous and has helped me with problems my GP hadn't a clue about. I thought my symptoms had a physical cause but it wasn't until I went to see my Homoeopath and started talking about my life/emotions/family that I realised it was a matter of my mind controlling my body. I had been on drugs for over a year to control my symptoms and after only 2 appointments with my Homoeopath I was able to stop taking them.
To begin with I felt guilty about spending time and money on myself but unless you are happy and healthy you cannot give your best to your family. It is lovely just to have some time when the focus of attention is on you.
BTW if you worry that these types of therapies are a bit 'hippyfied', most practitioners have masters degrees in homoeopathy and many remedies are used in main stream medecines these days.

Do you know that's the second time someone has recommended homeopathy to me lately (although you may have been talking to Nic04?). I'm actually a big fan of homeopathy and have a lot of experience with it both personally and professionally. (I'm not a homeopath in any way but I work very closely with several highly qualified homeopathic practitioners).

So I just feel I need to post a word of warning about your comment that "most" practitioners have masters in homeopathy. This is simply not true. The truth is pretty much anyone can call themselves a homeopath. In the UK, to find a medically qualified homeopath (ie a doctor, pharmacist, nurse, dentist etc) with a recognised degree in homeopathy they must have a qualification from the Faculty of Homeopathy - look for an LFHom, DFHom or MFHom. For more info see Faculty . There are also non-medically qualified homeopaths who have recieved training from the Society of Homeopaths Society . They will have an RSHom or FSHom qualification. If they do not have any of the above qualifications I would question them carefully about their training - in the UK any homeopath should have one of these.

That said, it doesn't explain why I haven't used homeopathy for my own problems lately - good question! Maybe I'm just a little too close to the situation. If one of the kids gets a bump or I have an upset tummy homeopathy is the first thing I reach for. But I guess I don't feel I can just ask one of my "colleagues" for this kind of complicated (and personal) advice. Maybe I should get them to refer me to someone else...hmmm, food for thought anyway.