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Original poster

Mother-in-Law

48 replies

hsanders · 04/04/2005 20:13

Age old problem, but I really would like some advice...

I have a nine week old and from day one, I may as well not exist in the eyes of my Mother-in-Law.

When she comes over, she does not talk to me, and if DS is asleep on my lap or in my arms, she comes over and tries to wake him up - and does so still completely ignoring me and in my personal space!

She will not leave DS alone and tries constantly to keep him awake or wake him up. We like to let him have time on his play mat as he really enjoys it, and she just storms in and picks him up, despite my husband saying 'look, actually, he likes his play mat and we like him to have a good kick before he eats [or words to that effect!]'

I feel completely disrespected by her. When I thanked her for visting in the hospital, she said, 'you don't have to thank me; you've given me a grandson'. Even during my pregnancy [which was particularly difficult] she was only ever interested in the baby, not me or how I was feeling. I have just been a vessel for her grandson. She seems to have forgotten that her eldset son has become a father.

Don't know if you can tell..but she's driving me crazy.

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

daisey · 06/04/2005 14:19

Im still breastfeeding and my mil hates it, she continuely says that you only need to breastfeed for the 1st 2wks. You think she would praise me for it not discourage me. But I suppose to her thats the only thing that identifies me with being my ds mum, the one thing she cant do!

I completely understand I could rant on and on. Since day 1 my mil has took the enjoyment out of my pregnancy always interfering. Because of all the pergnancy hormones I was always in tears mainly because of her. I almost felt like a surragate mum for her, I felt like she wanted to take my ds away from me. At times I almost felt like walking out and wanting it to be just me and my ds. My dh husband knows whats shes like and he does talk to her but shes so munipulating.The thing is its just the beginning and the only way i can handle it is by avoiding her.But I know its just building up.

ambrosia · 06/04/2005 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hunkermunker · 06/04/2005 14:32

Can you ask what her MIL was like? Ask her if she was an interfering old baggage (not in so many words...). Might make her think a bit. Or might not - MILs can be very unthinking...won't talk about mine online - think I'm too personally identifiable

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koalabear · 06/04/2005 14:36

oh gosh - i've got so much in common with some of you on this thread (including the comment that I shouldn't be breastfeeding her grandson as my milk was "clearly making him sick" )

i don't have the answers for it, and it continues to be a struggle, however, a friend gave me one piece of advice that has helped

"start as you mean to go on"

which basically means that my MIL will ALWAYS thinks she knows best in everything - it starting with our wedding, where we should live, what sort of house we should buy, what job my DH should do - and will undoubtedly move into how my DS should dress, where he should go to school, how we should discipline him, where he should go, who he should date etc etc, sooooooo .... I choose now to put up with it OR clearly and firmly state what is and is not acceptable and don't be bullied by it

quite frankly, standing up to her is hard, but being bullied by her is worse, so now I call her on her behaviour with such comments like "Really MIL? Don't you think that's a bit silly?", and "No, don't pick him up, you can cuddle him when he has finished x,y or z" and "Actually, he is having quiet time now so please don't disturb him". She doesn't like it, but, well, after the breastfeeding comment the gloves were off as far as I am concerned.

Mammybadgirl · 06/04/2005 14:44

I think I would probably hate my MIL anyway...but she owes us nearly £50k!!! (And she smells).

ambrosia · 06/04/2005 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisey · 06/04/2005 14:58

My mil wants to stay with us and she only lives down the bloody road! If I ask her to look after my ds im seen as not coping and if she doesnt look after him im accused of no letting her see him!

oatcake · 06/04/2005 15:20

oh my gosh, Chandra and others!

My mil is renowned by all who know her as being formidable, shall we say. her nickname has always been Margo - as in off 'The Good Life' (she also bears an uncanny personality resemblence to Hyacinth Bucket as well...)

However... I'm pleased to say she met her match with me and we love each other dearly!

Please stand up for yourselves ladies! This sort of behaviour is not acceptable regardless of who it is!

daisey · 06/04/2005 15:31

The thing is if they made the effort to get along with us better and respected our choices etc then we would want to see them more and they would see more of their grandchild.I just hope im not the same when my ds has a gf.

Chandra · 06/04/2005 15:44

Oatcake, do your MIL bangs the bathroom door screaming that you are interfeering between she and her son while you are taking a shower? Have you ever hid in the bathroom afraid that she may have a go at you knowing that your DH is not present?, have you found all your clothes mixed with food in the garage? I like your aproach but with some MILs it just don't work.

oatcake · 06/04/2005 16:05

Chandra love, that's awful! You're right. With a mil like my approach will not work. I don't want to cause offence, but that behaviour isn't what anyone could call normal. Does she have mental health issues?

SkiBunnyFlummy · 06/04/2005 16:09

You were just a vessel for a grandson.

And now she can be just a vessel for enabling you to have lots of lovely nights out.

Start booking up those babysitting spots. I find the Grannies on both sides need at least 20 hours a month with baby to get it out of their system.

Its best to dump baby 1st thing sat am then head to gym for wee work out, on to shops to give credit card a work out, followed by boozy lunch with friends, followed by trip to flicks with hubby.

Pick up baby at 10pm, MIL too exhausted to complain, has had her fix.

Just use 'em up while you can!

oatcake · 06/04/2005 16:12

Original poster

hsanders · 06/04/2005 16:23

Skibunnyflumy - in theory I like your style but just the thought of leaving my DS with my MIL freaks me out.

Now before you say anything, ie. you need to let go, stop being so controlling - she is mad! She was so pleased when I was unwell one week after having him - she was not concerned about me at all. The look on her face was one of delight when the hospital wanted to admit me! I was on morphine and had five lots of antibiotics and feeling pretty rubbish about being back at the hospital and yet she never asked how I was. Just rubbed it in my face that she was looking after my DS.

The only time she has babysat for us, she looked like a spoilt child when I said, 'give Nana a kiss goodnight' - she could not understand that she could not play with him all night as he was going to bed!

This obviously is not quite on the scale of Chandra's situation. I feel bad for you Chandra and not quite sure what to say...

OP posts:

SkiBunnyFlummy · 06/04/2005 16:40

hsanders, yes your MIL clearly is bonkers and your ds is only 9 weeks so I totally understand.

I think the only option is for you to move far far away

koalabear · 06/04/2005 16:42

oh chandra

can you not call her on her behaviour?

eg. "you are out of line to xxx", or "your behaviour is unacceptable", or in front of your husband "why did you say xxx to me when my husband was not here?" - use lots of "we's" so that she knows the message is coming from both of you

daisey · 06/04/2005 16:46

chanda what does your dh say?

kate100 · 06/04/2005 17:00

Chandra OMG, I have to ask as well, does your MIL have mental health issues? She sounds as if she needs help.

hsanders,my MIL is like this with our DS, but not to the same extent and for different reasons. SHe tries to do too much as she thinks she's helping, but often ends up excluding me and DH. After many discussisons DH knows it is his responsibility to talk to his mom. She has to be reminded sometimes who are the parents and the way that we do things with our child. I think you should try this tactic as it is your DH's mother, the way I reasoned it was, if it was my mom I'd tell her. If your DH refuses as he thinks she'll be upset, point out that you already are and he chose you, he's stuck with her!!! You are the mother of his child and your feelings are more important.

DH's gran is rude as well, when we announced we were expecting our second she responded with, 'I hope it's another boy they're much better than girls' I too am treated as if my only use is to provide her with great grandsons.

Chandra · 06/04/2005 17:25

Well, we have tried talking but she just don't pay attnetion and claims that I'm too sensitive and that all MILs are like that in Spain. Obviously this is not true.

The current state of the afairs is that I have requested not to see her anymore. DH has tried to control her but he always ends up making excuses for her, so... because he can't cope with it and I don't want to hurt myself further in this matter I'm not seeing her anymore, nor does DS, and as far as I'm concerned if DH thinks that is OK keeping his mother happy at the expense of making us unhappy, I can learn to live without him. Obviously it's not a happy ending but he should have stoped her long before things became this bad.

Chandra · 06/04/2005 17:30

No mental issue, BTW. just an inmense need to keep control whatever it takes...

NotQuiteCockney · 06/04/2005 17:34

Chandra, that sounds horrid. I'd try to see her immense need to keep control as a mental issue.

I hope your DH is very understanding - I think that when your partner doesn't understand or sympathise is when MIL problems really become overhwhelming.

Chandra · 06/04/2005 17:41

VEry good advise NQC, it may help me to feel less resentful towards her if I see it as a health issue... however, I'm not prepared to give her another opportunity, at least not yet.

NotQuiteCockney · 06/04/2005 19:27

Oh goodness, Chandra, I don't think it sounds like it's worth giving her another chance! I'd stay away from her, and keep my kids away from her.

I was just suggesting a way to think about it all. And I'd wonder what effect growing up with a mother like that had had on DH.

My MIL is a bit controlling and difficult, but not on the same planet as yours.

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