Mums with kids in childcare - you're damaging them!

[handlemecarefully]

Not my opinion, but take a look at this thread:

is it just me or is some of this irritating?

I don't want to start a ruck, but tbh some of these observations pissed me off and I may need an antidote!

Personally I don't think one model (SAHM or working mum with childcare) is necessarily better than the other - it depends on the child. I wouldn't dream of making comments to Polina that sparked off this debate along the lines of her child would miss out by not being in Nursery.

But quite frankly, I didn't expect to read responses which implied that:
*a lot of working parents feel guilty
*some are jealous of the bond SAHM's have with their children (what I don't have a bond with mine?)
*that children of SAHMs have more varied and interesting experiences than those in Nursery
*that Nursery makes under 2's aggressive etc etc
*and even a proselytizing teacher 'asking' us to stay at home with pre-schoolers

For the record I've got nothing against SAHMs, and am toying with the idea of giving up my part time job to be one (tired of all the juggling etc - not so easy with two)..but I found it all rather ironic that there was shock at the tactless and innaccurate remarks made by some working parents to Polina, yet some of the respondents to her thread felt that it was okay to take a pot shot back.

HMC I think you are being a tad sensitive, as everyone is in this sort of debate. Personally I think people were trying to support Polina when she had been told something really stupid. I have always worked full time and had a variety of childcare from nurseries to nannies and dh. Personally I feel that yes going to nursery does mean that my kids missed out on doing things with me. But they are learning and doing different things. Neither one is better or worse than the other and I don't feel my kids have benefited/lost from my choices. In some way my kids have had experiences at nursery that I wouldn't have given them, DD2 started learning sign lanuage and French when she was at nursery - neither of which I would have done with them. Personally my favourite childcare arrangemnts was when we had a nanny for 2.5 yrs. She was certainly the main childcarer for dd2 (from 9 months) and influenced hugely what sort of a child dd2 has become. But at no time did I ever feel less of a bond with dd2.

I can see why some of the comments p*ed you off, someone 'asking' us to stay at home with our kids. etc But I do think that we as women are always hugely defensive about our choices, and there is always someone around to tell us we are not doing it right (MIL or 'friends' or MN) or even other 'smug' mummies who don't say much but have a raised eyebrow All mothers feel guilt of some kind, I think it comes out with the placenta I wish we could all just pat each other on the back and be supportive, but the world doesn't seem to go around like that.

People are people and we are all different with different ideas.
As long as you are perfectly happy, then no amount of opposing views or a different point of view is going to make one iota of diiference to you.

or me

HMC ...
I contributed to that thread to support Polina because she was upset about some tripe that someone fed her about her child not going to nursery and she felt guilty.
It wasn't IMO a debate ... and then you said, "Don't let this become a debate about SAHMs vs working mums ... yawn!" or something like that and then it was a debate ...
I think you were being a bit sensitive to this ... and then starting up a thread like this when you didn't want a debate 'yawn'????

Well, how bad and damaging am I then??? I am on holiday for a week right now, and today (and tomorrow) DD (nearly 3 but been at nursery PT since 4 months) is at nursery.

I did contemplate keeping her off too, but SHE was having none of it. She adores nursery and playing with her friends, without mummy in the way. She wanted to get there to tell Kassia all about ice skating yesterday!

DD goes to nursery 2 days a week, PILs one day and is at home with me the other 4. Great balance we find.

HMC - have a coffee! It is really difficult not to react badly to people's views on the working mum/leaving children in childcare debate.

I have had to do full time, part time and SAHM (although didn't do that for very long) and I've tried both nursery and childminder. I can honestly say, I still don't know what the answer is!

DS1 who was in nursery full time from 4 mths to 3 1/2 does well at school now and is v. sociable, but emotionally quite insecure. DS2 who is 2 1/2 and goes to a wonderful childminder (since he was 5 mths) part time is emotionally v.secure but his language development etc and social skills are a quite behind DS1s (at that age). This may be to do with my childcare choices but might also be to do with a million other things (birth order, character they were born with , me being more relaxed second time round etc etc).

I think we just make our choices and make the best of it. Motherhood is such a marathon and I know that I still have the bulk of it ahead of me and my work with my kids is not yet done (by half). I would hate to think that all the damage or benefit had been done to my children already!

I think you are misrepresenting me a bit there Ghosty!

LOL Hula. DS often asks to go to nursery on a Saturday and I have to tell him that Laura (favourite nursery nurse) needs a rest. And I sent him all through my maternity leave, although I did go pick him up early and make him walk home (nearly a mile uphill).

My DD had a tantrum the day we went to playgroup and it wasn't there, because Mummy had forgotten that playgroup is on holiday 2 days longer than school...

If I was a SAHM, I would have to pack my little monkeys off to nursery for a bit just so that I didn't go completely bonkers. I think staying at home with me 24/7 would be far more damaging than doing lovely painting, pasta necklaces, building huge towers etc etc at nursery!!!!!

Here, here bugsy2!

I know my post wound you up but at the end of the day that is what I think. I was not taking pot shots or starting a debate on whether being a SAHM or a WOHM is better, I don't feel I have to do that as I am confident in my parenting choices.

At the end of the day, we are all doing what we think is best for our kids with our own individual circumstances to consider.

Far too many posts in the two threads to read them all, but to be honest, as somebody else pointed out in a far more eloquent way, there are pros and cons with all approaches (sahms, working full-time, working part-time). We all make decisions that require everybody to 'compromise' - including the children. But since I truly believe that there isn't a perfect solution, I can't get too excited about the debate. I personally wish I could be braver about doing social things with my boys, and lean on the 'social' time they have at nursery - a bit swings and roundabouts I guess.

I also see it painfully obvious that thread titles attract 'types' - I saw the thread that your original post linked to, and thought it 'wasn't for me'. Yet your link clearly was for me! (This in the full knowledge that all my other posts on here tonight been on the 'health' topic - sad hypochondriac that I am - just off to take my blood pressure!)

OK so I posted in support of Polina on the original thread and my comments scored a direct mention by HMC at the start of this thread. I mentioned 'studies showing aggressivenss of children attending childcare under the age of 2'. I did feel a bit nervous saying it without being able to mention a study specifically at the time so here is a link now that address impacts of childcare on younger kiddies:

Rethinking the early childcare agenda

I do acknowledge though that staying home to look after kids is not an option for everyone especially given financial considerations and that a lot of SAHMS and their families make big sacrifices to be able to do it - I know my family does ... I am a bit sensitive about it as on several occasions people have made judgemental comments to me to the effect that surely any intelligent, formerly career-oriented woman, couldn't possible be satisfied by looking after her children.

I had a look at that link AussieSim and I think the only bit worth reading was this.

"Evidence about the effects of childcare, beneficial or harmful, is incomplete and sometimes contradictory. Research into outcomes (whether by standardised tests, or behavioural or socioemotional ratings) is inherently complex, with imperfect instruments, and many confounding variables. Longitudinal studies, showing longer term outcomes, require dedication, expertise, time and money. "

I have one child who was in childcare before 2 (quiet and well behaved) and one who wasn't (more aggressive). Of course that could be because he had someone to fight with, or maybe because he's a boy and she's a girl. People should do what suits their family best and not feel they have to tell everyone else what is best for them.

Sooner or later we almost all have kids out of own care. What amuses me is why some SAHMs decide that at some stage it is acceptable for the child to go to others (nursery/school) but then feel they can tell someone else when their child should be doing those things.

Did find the comments about nurseries forcefeeding children particulary funny. At the nursery my child went to she did the sort of things a good SAHM would do with their child. I didn't know about them first time round and probably wouldn't have done all of them. Entrusting her to someone who had trained to work with children and had lots more experience than me taught me a lot. If she was under any pressure there was no sign of it.

I didn't read the original thread but having been a SAHM most of the time for all 4 of my girls, Katie is now nearly 2 and I am getting a part time job just so I can feel like I have a life!!!
I love her to bits and enjo being with her all the time BUT I need to do something for myself which I am sure in the long run will make me and her happier.
The other 3 are at school so I will either get a day time job and my SIL will have katie or an evening job when hubby can have all 4

I used to be really upset by mums putting their kids into childcare but have learnt through being a mum that we all have to do what is right for US as well as our kids.

Anyway enough said, I'm going to get ready to go shoping

Mechelle xx