Stay at home mum - am I doing the right thing?

[Polina]

I'm probably being wildly oversensitive but I am well stressed! When ds was born (he's now 9 months) I made the decision to be a stay at home mum, principally because I had such a fab time with my mum and wanted to give ds the same thing, or as near as I can manage. I still do a tiny bit of work to keep my hand in but in the main am looking after ds and having fun with him 7 days a week. I loved my job and had worked really hard on getting a career up and running before I met dh so it wasn't an easy decision at all. HOWEVER three separate parents have told me that I am risking ds's development by not sending him to nursery as I will make him unsociable and delay his learning and basically cause him to start life 3 years behind the other guys. Am now distinctly stressed that I am fouling up ds's chances - we have a great bond and have a lovely time (most of the time.....) but as one mum said, I don't want him to have a nervous breakdown when I send him to nursery at 2.5yrs either! Has anyone got experience or advice on this?

I also chose to stay at home with DS (now 1) and enjoy every minute of it. So does he it seems.
However, I do think that socialising is important and they do benefit from being around other babies (from what I've noticed babies who have other siblings progress faster).
If you feel that he might benefit from it why not take your baby to local babygroups a couple of time a week?
see how that works for you, and don't listen to those hurtfull comments.

You must do what is right for your and your ds in your situation. What other people decide is up to them but should have no impact on your decision.

These people are sayng these things to you to make themselves feel better because that is how they have justified sending their own kids to nursery.

Kids do not learn to be sociable from other kids, they learn through their role models.

My DS is 3.5 and is now attendign pre-school and he is well liked and confident.

Another thing, why do people assume if you SAH then your kids do not go out? My DS goes trampolining, arts and crafts play group, music every week plus softplay, swimming, parks, day trips out etc and I would bet my bottom dollar he has had more varied experiences than a child attending a nursery because he is not going to the same place every day.

Polina

When I was a full time working mum I stressed that my son wasn't get the best of me, then I stressed because we changed nanny, then I became a SAHM and stressed that he no longer had all his mates he knew through other nannies. GUILT, welcome to the club, its part of the handbook for being a mum. The fact that you are worrying shows you are doing a great job.

Of course by the time you have 2 you've realised that really we all just getting on with our lives and doing the best we can.

I do have strong opinions about childcare and the SAHM/Working mum divide but will keep them private as really what the F* do I know.

The bottom line is that we all say whatever makes us feel better about the decisions we have taken. A very good friend of mine is always banging on about how her dd is suddenly talking better because she's in full time nursery, but I see the same developmental jumps in my ds who doesn't go to nursery. I'm really starting to believe that it doesn't make a huge difference either way - they come on at their own rate whether they go to nursery or not. What does make a difference is whether they have happy parents who are confident in the decisions they have made. Invest in a pair of ear plugs and carry on doing what you think is right for your child.

"he has had more varied experiences than a child attending a nursery because he is not going to the same place every day".

......thud (sound of head banging on table)

For the record, my dd who attends Day Nursery three times a week, also does swimming lessons on a Thursday morning, NCT tea group on a Thursday afternoon, Playgroup on a Friday morning, Dancing on a Saturday morning, Marwell zoo, soft play at Serendipity Sam's, has a season ticket to a local theme park, enjoys regular walks at Hilliers Aboretum, enjoys Longdown Farm, has recently been to Eurodisney, will be going to the Edinburgh Children's festival in May etc etc

I'll make the plea again, can we please not turn this into a SAHMs versus working mothers debate.

Please?

Well MY dd knows the alphabet backwards, calculus and 7 languages and she's only 2. All because of nursery.

Now, it was only 6 the last time you posted

Are you talking to me directly Senorapostrophe - or just a general remark?

sorry, hmc - a general remark to kind of balance up the arguments. You did inspire it though.

...in a good way that is. I see how it could be potentially offensive now

I can't be bothered to hang about - knackered. But just in case you were talking to me (paranoia, paranoia) my post was intended to challenge that assertion that children of SAHMs have more varied experiences than those at Day Nursery....it wasn't a "my dd has a fabulous well rounded and better experience than yours post".

Plenty of grammatical errors in there for you to chew over Senorapostrophe

Posts crossed!

I'm off to bed now as I really have no staying power. Have enjoyed the debate though....

okay how about this - if it's what works best for you Polina, I'm sure that's fine. each option - nursery/home has different advantages/disadvantages - I'm sure it all evens up in the end. It's not as if you take one look at an adult and say - your mum stayed at home with you/put you in nursery!

Those parents are probably spouting this sort of crap as a way of making themselves feel less guilty about going out to work and wish really they were at home with their kids.

I went back to work part time when dd was 6 months, she went to a childminder who was brilliant but I was missing out on her first steps, first words, first everything so I gave up and have never looked back.

My dd was reading by 3, at 4 and a half was assessed and had a reading age of 8, at 13 her reading level etc is off the scale and predicted to get an A* in English GCSE and attends Children's University courses. DS2 was assessed during a SALT session when he was 4 and told he had a comprehension level of a 7 and a half year old. So two fingers up to all those who say going out to work damages kids chances of academic success!

Whether you stay at home or go out to work, it's a personal choice and sometimes there is no choice but no one should make you feel guilty for it whatever you decide to do. Do whatever is right for you and your circumstances.

I have not read all the replies to this.

I just want to say that I am a SAHM to0o and my DD(now 2 years 7 months) did not go to nursery. Instead I took her to NCT coffee mornings, and when she was old enough I started taking her to Tumble Tots and Jo Jingles as well as mother and toddler groups and parent and child swimming.

Not going to nursery does not seem to have damaged her development at all. She now goes to a local playgroup 2 mornings a week and also goes to a different one one afternoon a week. They have all said how good she is a socialising and making friends.

Anyway it's not only about academic success - surely happy kids count for a hell of a lot too?

As a teacher of early years / infant children, I would ask parents to stay at home with their children. The pressure put on the children at school these days to achieve is shocking and at the end of the day once they start school they have at least 12 years of it ahead of them. Push them too much early on and they burn out by the time they're 10. I am now a sahm - very poor as a result, but to me it's priorities.... I take my ds out every day to all sorts of places - what better education is there than seeing life and being with Mum?

Polina, it's just rude of people to say such horrible things to you. I think there is really no evidence that nurseries either harm or help the very young (though obviously that depends on a/the nursery and b/ the home environment) though there is evidence that in general older pre-schoolers can benefit from nursery. So they just don't have any evidence on their side as well as being rude. Also they appear to be socially inept themselves if they talk to people like this! My experience? Ds hated nursery at 2 and was too young for it (not all children are too young, but my ds was). He's now three and a half, and IMO thriving so well on his two mornings a week I asked if he could go another morning this week. And it's not because I'm a pushy mum who wants to academically hothouse him, it's because he seems to enjoy the social aspect and the new experiences that his nursery can offer him. And tbh, a few mornings off give me a break too. I work from home and though he has had a nanny three days a week for a while, directly prior to going to nursery he was cared for by family. I know enchanting children who have all sorts of care, nursery, childminders, nannies and with a SAHM parent. I can't honestly say that I could look at the child and know what kind of care they had. If you are happy and your child is happy, what more can you ask?

Exactly Hellsy!

Actually they have just finished studies that were released here in Aus that showed that generally children in day care were no more sociable or developed (to use an awkward phrase but am sure ykwim) etc than children who had not attended but rather were at home with their parents.

Personally it is none of my business what other parents chose - I can only say what is best for me and mine.

I would tell those other parents to go jump - how do you know he will have a breakdown when he has to head off to nursery. Dd1 is brilliant at leaving dh and I and going off to various things without us... we get a smile, a wave, a kiss and a bye bye. SHe is always pleased to see us when we return but when we are not there she is not stressed in the least.

If someone told me that crap I think the least I would do is poke them in the eye. I have heard of some studies that show that children sent to childcare under the age of 2 are far more agressive, plus other undesirable traits, and I have seen this first hand with my friends children. That is not to say that those kids won't grow up to be perfectly fine but the case for sending them to nursery under 2 is quite weak. Kids don't really play with one another until they are about 2 and so the social benefits are very questionable I would think. My DS started at Family Day Care (a home environment with a max of 5 kids) when he was 20mths and after he turned 2 I changed him to a day care arrangement. He goes a maximum of 2 days. I think it has been good for him, although we both undoubtably miss one another, it also gives me a chance to have some 'time off' for myself as well and with no.2 on the way I find I really need it now. Anyway, don't pay any attention to those busy bodies, they are probably just trying to make themselves feel better about their own choices.

It is impossible for them to know this as a "fact", all nurseries and homes and mothers are different, and until they discover a way to lead your life two different ways at the same time only generalisations will be able to be made.

My ds went to nursery 2 afternoons a week at 20 months, so I could start my business. He settled in absolutely no problem, which I considered in his case (as I am not qualified to comment on anyone else's child) to be because he was secure in our relationship having had 20 months one on one attention. He certainly did not have a nervous breakdown, his learning is not delayed, and he plays as well with others as any other 2 year old.

He did have a learning burst shortly afterwards, Coincidental or to be expected I will never know.

Suggesting that a 9 month old will be harmed by spending time with their mother says more about them than you.

Hellsy -You say that you would ask mums to stay at home. For some it is clearly not an option. I would love to stay at home but there is no way I could afford to. I am taking a full years maternity leave, which I have had to sell my car to fund and live off an overdraft. When I go back to work (2.5 days per week) I will be working to pay the mortgage and before anyone tells me to downgrade, I live in a 2 up 2 down terrace.

Well Id love to stay at home too but someones got to pay the mortgage and the bills and keep the childminder/housekeeper/cook/gardner in the beer he demands as payment (and very cheap he is at the price too )