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Original poster

Is co-sleeping something to be ashamed of?

77 replies

emkana · 17/03/2005 12:19

I'm reading "the fat ladies club - facing the first five years" at the moment. It's about four women and their experiences with their children.
What struck me in the book was that in the chapter on sleep the women were very apologetic about letting their children sleep in their beds, saying that they knew that it was bad parenting etc. They also seemed ashamed for being "soft" at bedtime, cuddling or feeding to sleep, feeling that it was the right thing to do to be tough and let them fall asleep by themselves. I've come across this kind of attitude many times, in RL too, and I just don't get it.

Co-sleeping is not for everyone, fair enough, and some people feel that their children should fall asleep by themselves. But why should the "soft" approach be bad parenting????? I've always co-slept with my dd1 who's nearly 4 now, and I've always fed her to sleep for as long as she wanted, and she's a great sleeper and a lovely child, so it hasn't done any harm! Shouldn't it just be personal choice, without parents being made to feel guilty if they choose to be "soft"???

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MunchedTooManyMarsLady · 17/03/2005 22:06

That's definitely the best bit, lying there trying to stay asleep whilst the DTs kiss me and jump on me and try to convince me to play. When it doesn't work on me they turn their charm on their daddy. We wake up laughing and wishing for another hour of sleep.

hoxtonchick · 17/03/2005 22:08

ds is 3.2 & starts off in his own bed but comes in to us during the night. it's a bit of a squash as i'm pregnant but we've just bowed to the inevitable & bought the biggest bed we could so now we all have loads of room. not quite sure what we'll do when the baby's born in the summer, maybe have her in a crib right next to the bed. i love co-sleeping, ds is so cuddly. and when he wakes up he strokes my face & says "did you sleep well mummy?" dp is less keen on it than i am, but agrees that anything is worth it for a quiet life. and we have the spare bed for when we want a bit of couple time...... also, ds sleeps much better in our bed, often doesn't wake up until 8 which is great for everyone. i have a good friend who really disapproves of him being in our bed but who regularly complains about her ds getting up at 5am. i know which i prefer!

flamesparrow · 17/03/2005 22:09

B tends to turn to Daddy first... so I tend to pretend to be asleep and chuckle about how he is getting jumped on first!!! That's when she starts kissing my shoulders to get me up too.

I miss my lie ins on Sunday mornings, but half an hour of bouncy baby is a great thing too!

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Arabica · 17/03/2005 22:15

We co-slept with DS (nearly 4) from day one, it just seemed the natural thing to do. Couldn't bear idea of a lonely, hungry little baby waking up all alone in the dark. He has been in his own room for a couple of years now (his choice) and usually stays there the whole night, but if he's feeling a bit unwell or just fancies a cuddle, he pads into our room and snuggles up. Some other mums did look incredulously at me when I told them our sleeping arrangements, and a couple of the more uptight ones at NCT group even said their husbands wouldn't stand for any co-sleeping, but to be honest, if I was married to their husbands I wouldn't want to co-sleep with them either!

babyburps · 17/03/2005 22:16

regarding worry about covers suffocating the baby, when partner and i were co-sleeping together just slept on either side of ds and had separate duvets which we tucked well around ourselves with ds with his own blanket in the middle.

Carla · 17/03/2005 22:18

Does anyone know when children ... ahem ... no longer want to co-sleep?

flamesparrow · 17/03/2005 22:20

I'm guessing when they tell you so. B is 21 months, and when she don't wanna be with us, she won't be! She'll climb off the bed and whinge (won't just go to her own bed though ). I'm guessing it would be the same as they get bigger still.

giraffeski · 17/03/2005 22:20

Message withdrawn

Carla · 17/03/2005 22:29

So I guess the fact that they're five and six and showing no desire whatsoever to move into their own beds is - er, not the norm?

flamesparrow · 17/03/2005 22:30

Lol.... maybe they just feel happy and comfortable with you guys!

I take it to be like when you suddenly realise you don't want your mum to see you naked anymore... you don't know when it will happen, or why, just one day it does.

babyburps · 17/03/2005 22:38

carla you could try making your bed less appealing perhaps stretch out and squish themup a bit! sure if you've had enough if you encourage one out the others will follow! ...maybe they could have their own futon or something so they'd be still together as they're used to. don't know if is good idea am a bit pooped out!

ionesmum · 17/03/2005 23:13

I co-slept with dd1 and am now with dd2 off and on, according to what she needs. DD1 is now three and happily sleeps in her oen bed.

BTW anyone else have memories of co-sleeping themselves? I can remember my dad being kicked out and snuggling in with my mum when I had a nightmare. It was bliss! Apparently I often got into bed with them when I was a toddler too. And mum and me always had a lie-in on a Saturday morning with breakfast in bed (my poor dad again!) and we used to play word games...

giraffeski · 17/03/2005 23:16

Message withdrawn

ionesmum · 17/03/2005 23:18

carla, are you happy? Are they happy? Then why worry?

babyburps · 17/03/2005 23:23

i can remember how gigantic a double bed seemed, i remember crawling around under the duvet when my parents weren't in bed with my younger brother, chasing each other in the dark! yes, in my memory that bed was huge!

BadgerBadger · 18/03/2005 00:47

It should definitely be personal choice!

But another aspect of parenting that everyone you meet will have an opinion on (usually whatever yours isn't!)

I co-slept with DD1 from 6 months to two and a half years and will probably do similar with DD2.
I have a friend who didn't and always jibes me about co-sleeping. BTW, none of her (totally uneducated) predictions of future problems materialised .

boohi · 18/03/2005 16:01

this has been a really interesting thread to read...it's made me feel a whole lot less guilty bout co-sleeping with my 10 week old DD. but as much as i love to CS i find she's getting more clingy during the day and when she naps she wants to be held!! i dont mind but there's only so much you can get done with a sleeping bubs in your arms! is she like this cos of the co-sleeping at night??

boohi · 18/03/2005 16:10

also...cos im totally breastfeeding i like many of yu have said, find co-sleeping the best way to get some decent sleep but i cant help but feel really bad in the morning because i just dont know if she's hd enough during the night!

chicca · 18/03/2005 16:28

I started a similar thread recently!
Strongly agree that it is nothing to be ashamed of. However, I am now at that point (DS is 8 months) where my back is giving up from during- the-night feeds, I think DS and I are both waking each other up (not to mention DH) and now that he can turn onto his side he does so continually and his nappy leaks.
So, I'm right there with you in spirit, but I have a secret longing for DH to finish constructing the cot...

babyburps · 18/03/2005 16:28

i'm very sure she'd let you know if she wasn't getting what she wanted in the night! don't worry about that. I too have experienced some clinginess with ds. i don't attribute it to co-sleeping but to carrying him in sling for first few months of his life..but no regrets i loved it, so much freedom, just got too heavy for me! your dd is still only little. if she wants to be held a lot try swaddling her or getting a swing or something and padding her in, she may just like the sensation of warmth and tightness. ds now is a feisty little thing who comes for a hug when he wants it and wants to be free to roam the rest of the time so your dd will grow out of this phase, think thats how to look at it, a phase, its tough when they're very demanding but it passes. maybe i'm not a good role model but i just tend to go with it! when ds was little used to hold him and read a lot...oh actually a word of warning on this point if dd is being clingy 'try' to attach her to your dh or dp a little or you may end up feeling suffocated by her attentions after a few more months! and it will have become ingrained to her that you are the one who she needs to be comforted by. gone off the co-sleeping point a bid haven't i! basically i fully breastfed for 7mths and i don't know how i'd have got up all those nights!

babyburps · 18/03/2005 16:29

i had that back thing for a while but it seems to have passed now. ds often sleeps on his side, am using pampers nappies and have only ever had two leaks

ionesmum · 18/03/2005 21:26

boohi, I think little ones just want to be held. It passes and before you know it you'll be longing for those snuggly moments. Enjoy them - put your feet up and read a book - the housework can wait!

claremumofdaniel · 18/03/2005 23:21

I think you should just go with your instincts.

DS CS with us for a while mostly because he fed about every 2 hours in the first few months, and I was too lazy to keep getting him in and out of his moses basket. I also got to the stage where I couldn't tell you when or how many times he fed, but he thrived on it. Then he got to the stage where he kept hitting DH in the back cos he was thrashing about in his sleep. At 5 months we put him in his own room in his cot and he slept better, although we've only got him to sleep through for about a month now (he's 14 months).

He comes in with me and DH goes to spare bed if he's ill and we don't have a problem with it.

Apparently I used to get into my dad's side of bed until I was 5 - every night. Then one day he told me I was a big girl now and didn't need to come into bed with them, and I stayed in my own bed (unless I was ill, or the last time I got in was when I was 18 and my BF finished with me! . I can't wait for DS to get old enough to be in a bed and come in for a cuddle on a morning - although might live to regret saying that .

mamadadawahwah · 19/03/2005 23:24

Co sleeping and shame????????? WHat ???

I have never heard such twaddle. Havent we as parents got enough to worry about without feeling ashamed of sleeping with our own children? I dread the day my two year old wants his own bed. I love waking up with his arms round my neck and his nose nustled in my back. We have slept with ds since he was four months old and never once thought about it. I can see parents might be worried about rolling over onto baby and parents who smoke/drink should not sleep with a new baby, but please parents lets give ourselves a break already. Is this yet another attempt by "experts" to break the beautiful bond between parent and child?

misdee · 19/03/2005 23:27

i co-sleep with dd3. its easier for feeding. she falls asleep on me, i pop her in her moses basket, then usually when i go to bed she wakes for another feed. so i feed her again and she sleeps in my bed till about 5-ish when i move her back to her moses basket for her own safety as the 2 older girls climb into my bed around 6am.

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