Is co-sleeping something to be ashamed of?

[emkana]

I'm reading "the fat ladies club - facing the first five years" at the moment. It's about four women and their experiences with their children.
What struck me in the book was that in the chapter on sleep the women were very apologetic about letting their children sleep in their beds, saying that they knew that it was bad parenting etc. They also seemed ashamed for being "soft" at bedtime, cuddling or feeding to sleep, feeling that it was the right thing to do to be tough and let them fall asleep by themselves. I've come across this kind of attitude many times, in RL too, and I just don't get it.

Co-sleeping is not for everyone, fair enough, and some people feel that their children should fall asleep by themselves. But why should the "soft" approach be bad parenting????? I've always co-slept with my dd1 who's nearly 4 now, and I've always fed her to sleep for as long as she wanted, and she's a great sleeper and a lovely child, so it hasn't done any harm! Shouldn't it just be personal choice, without parents being made to feel guilty if they choose to be "soft"???

[giraffeski]

Message withdrawn

[aloha]

I don't think you can be 'made' to feel ashamed. Dd spends half the night in her carrycot and half in with me (or therabouts) I don't feel ashamed or guilty. Why would I? It wasn't any fun at all with ds - esp as he got older, and at three he refuses to sleep if anyone is in the room with him, let alone the bed! Makes travelling a bit of a nightmare, actually.

[pixiefish]

i didn#t start till dd was 5 1/2 months old. this was because of advice from hv. however i have to admit that the first few months were fraught because of dd not sleeping properly, me feeding her and being so scared of smothering her that i was feeding her sitting up and falling asleep sat up. at 5 1/2 months i started lying down to feed and found that we both slept much better as i wassn't actually waking up properly/

dd sleeps in her cot at the foot of my bed for the first part of the evening and then comes in with me for the rest of the night.

[oxocube]

DH and I have always had babies in our bed (my choice not his, although he has always been okay about it). Ours sort of grew out of it by about 3 or 4 yrs. Our youngest ds (3.6)falls asleep in his own bed but comes into our every night about 11ish. Its not ideal, TBH when they are older but I wouldn't have missed the co-sleeping for the world. When my DH is away, I still love cuddling up in 'the big bed' with my 3 kids.

[emkana]

Thanks giraffeski, I've got the book and enjoyed reading it!

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel guilty or ashamed - I'm well past that stage, I'm very happy with co-sleeping (as well as longterm breastfeeding ).

But, aloha, I do feel that young parents can be made to feel guilty - when in every parenting book it says that you should really put baby back into his/her own bed, that co-sleeping is not a good idea. A point also made in programmes like Supernanny and Little Angels. It never says anywhere "These are the advantages - these are the disadvantages - it's up to you to decide."
It only every says "Don't do it".

[pixiefish]

agree emkana. my new hv told me off at dd's 8 month check for a) co-sleeping, b) nursing to sleep, c) night feeding

[giraffeski]

Message withdrawn

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[bunny3]

emkana, we co-slept with ds till he was past 4. He had his own room and bed but preferred ours. He still gets in wiht us most nights and I think it is perfectly natural. Children want to feel secure and what better way?

[giraffeski]

Message withdrawn

[giraffeski]

Message withdrawn

[sweetkitty]

Very interesting thread as I've just started one in the Sleep topic about safety when cosleeping when they begin to explore the bed.

I personally feel that I have to hide the fact that we cosleep not one person has turned round to me in RL and said "well done" or "oh that must be nice" I'm always made to feel like theres something wrong with it comments like "you'll regret it" "she'll be in your bed when shes 6" "i know someone who rolled over and squashed their DB" make me feel ashamed to be cosleeping. It does seem like a cultural thing as I was talking to an Indian lady and she said that they always cosleep with their babies and think it is wrong to put a baby in a cot in another room and baby should always sleep with the mum and BF through the night if needs be.

We are thinking about a cot for DD now as I'm getting scared she's going to roll off the bed and hurt herself also she's taking up so much room in the bed now and its a superking size.

[oxocube]

All the 'experts' have strong opinions on this. Actually, I am so pleased that I didn't give a stuff. 2 of our 3 children were born at home and it seemed so natural that they would sleep with me. I would fall asleep with my babies in my arms, having fed them until they were too stuffed to move but happy. If they woke up, I would feed them and we all went back to sleep. If I'm honest, I couldn't even say how often they woke or how often they fed as i don't think either of us woke up properly. They area all healthy and happy as am I. I probably didn't know any 'better' but for that I am grateful. I just did what felt right and don't regret it.

[oxocube]

Sweetkitty, that is so sad. Do what feels right for you and don't trouble yourself with what other people think. Our children are young for such a short space of time that we should make the most of it.

[Posey]

We've coslept most of ds's 2+ years and I happily admit to it. But had I done it with dd (my 7 year old) I don't think I would've been quite so open.
I felt with my first I had to do things "right" or if I didn't, keep quiet or face the disapproval from others. It wasn't until dd got older that I admitted alsorts of things that made me a "BAD" mum, like the fact she didn't sleep through til she was over 3. Only then did I find others admitting to the same. I think that so much advice is given on the correct way to be a parent without fully offering all the choices, a bit like childbirth. Certain ways become fashionable and if you don't follow suit, then you're made to feel like you're doing it wrong. Who knows, by the time our little ones are having babies of their own, co-sleeping and other attchment parenting things may be the Gina Ford of the day.

At my baby/toddler group, I'm often seen as the person to go to for advice, because I've already been there. Basically they all know about how bad dd was at night (she's now slept soundly for nearly 5 years, well at nights only , she had a dummy and bottle til she was 3ish. The newer mums see that my 2 have turned out perfectly well and often just want to offload on me. Dd was and still is the most rounded, well adjusted all round nice girl you could wish for (got to boast sometimes). Just hope ds turns out as well.

I feel I haven't really expressed what I wanted to say very well but I hope you get the gist of it.

[babyburps]

have slept with my ds since birth, he now 10mths. initially he had a wooden swing crib but although i used to put him down for the night in it i took him into bed with me at the first wake. he was born 10lbs 7 oz and i exclusively breast fed so that was quite a lot of feeds and i love my bed! so am too lazy to keep jumping out of it! i suppose i was more confident having him in bed with me because he was always a big strong boy not a dainty little thing. i am also quite a light sleeper and i don't move around, initially i had him sleeping in the crook of my arm so i knew where he was! unfortunately my partner and i seperated when ds was 2mths old, due to financial problems i seem to have moved about every 2 months since ds's birth(don't worry about me i am finally very settled now!)ds has developed into a very confident, happy young boy, i attribute this to the security he has had from co-sleeping, no matter if i choose to spend the night with family or friends i have no problem getting him down to sleep. once sleeping i baracade him with beanbags and cushions until i choose to go to bed. in the last 6weeks or so have been working on relationship with ds's dad, problem is now that ds has always liked to sleep with his arms outstretched and gets quite disturbed if restricted, he's grown bigger now and there just isn't room in the bed for a comfortable nights sleep for the 3 of us! so ds is driving a wedge between me and partner! ...being brutally honest would choose ds over partner and this concerns me! so now looking at possibility of super kingsize bed. family have advised a cot since the beginning, my mum is slowly coming round to my way of thinking! having ds in bed with me has meant i still breast feed a couple of times a night but i'm so used to it and because he's right there it doesn't disturb me. i have wondered how i'm going to wean him completely when we're co-sleeping but perhaps he'll want it less when he can't smell milk on me anymore! according to book 'three in a bed' ds will eventually want his own space and independance anyway (no jokes about him being a teenager by this stage pls!) truthfully i love the hearing him breathe at night (initially i was terrified of anything happening to him which is one of the reasons why i took him into bed with me in the first place!) smelling him and feeling his warmth (perhaps this is because i've been a lone parent??) and i adore waking up to find him looking in my eyes

[babyburps]

i do feel the need to keep it 'secret' from other people which is ridiculous! but anything for an easy life! ...sorry for the essay!

[WestCountryLass]

I CS with my DS until he was about 18 months. He did sleep on his own in his cot between 12 and 15 months but he then had chicken pox followed by tonsilitis so came in with me and if he is poorly he automatically migrates into Mummys bed

I never had a problem with it but a few people did say 'you should' do this that or the other, which bugged me as I never asked for advice and telling someone what they 'should' do largely gets right up peoples noses.

DD is 8 months and she is still in with me, I never had any concerns about ransferring DS to his own bed when he was ready but DD is Mummys koala and I think I will have her attached to me until she is 18!

[slim22]

DS slept in his moses basket next to our bed for first 3 months. then in his bedroom as he fell asleep quite easily and only woke once or twice for feeds with no fuss going back to sleep.
Since he was 9 months started co-sleeping on holidays and occasionally when DH away on business.
When he sleeps with me he fusses B4 falling asleep as he wants to carry on cuddling and playing forever. And he wakes up at dawn and won't go back to sleep because too happy to find a play mate in his bed!!!
To be honest, we enjoy it enormously now that he is bigger (when too tiny I was unconfortable for fear of letting him slip under cover). However, his sleep (and ours) is much more peacefull when in our own rooms.
My conclusion is: whatever works for you guys!
I am quite shocked by all these judgemental comments and guilt trips.If baby needs a cuddle why not? but if you and your partner want your bed for yourselves, don't feel guilty about establishing a routine where baby is made to understand that going to bed alone is the norm in your home.
Good luck.

[MunchedTooManyMarsLady]

Nah!

[flamesparrow]

Well said MTMML - My sentiments exactly!

[giraffeski]

Message withdrawn

[MistressMary]

I was encouraged to lie with baby breastfeeding in hospital as I could rest and of course I fell asleep, which the midwives didn't bat an eyelid too.
So found myself co sleeping for the early weeks. Now he won't sleep in our bed, too busy trying to play to settle.
Which is great as I prefer him in his cot anyhow.
A friend co sleeps with her toddler and it works well for her, although with a new baby any day soon, it may be a problem for her soon.

[MistressMary]

Nothing to be ashamed of though.

[flamesparrow]

I felt I should add a bit more... I co-slept until B was 6 weeks (she hated her moses basket, and I liked the cuddles), but then she started kicking me lots, and I was needing the sleep, so she went in a cot.

Now, she is 21 months, and sleeps with us when she is poorly or just plain clingy. I can only do a couple of nights at a time because of her need to sleep horizontally between me n DP, and me needing to get a teeny bit of sleep occasionally, but I love it and would do it again in a heartbeat.

I love waking up in the morning to a little girl looking me in the eyes with all the love in the world, and her giving me big kisses to convince me I am awake and wanting to play really.

When she wakes up in bed with us, it is the only time she wakes up and is happy, instead of sobbing in her room.