Need advice on being a better mother.

[happydays]

I have a wonderful ds aged 3, I have posted previously about shouting at him over the slightest thing and have created a bit of a monster at times.

Today I woke up and decided that I want to be a better mother and am not going to let my depression get me down, and take it out on my son.

The thing that gets to me the most is when I am getting him dressed, he makes silly loud noises and pulls my heair, pokes me in the eye, fingers up nose that sort of thing, and I shout to take it in, but he keeps on.

Today however I have not shouted and kept my voice calm and repeated what I said, sometimes 20 times, I have notices a slight improvement in him today, but I could feel my blood boiling up while doing it. Any tips on how to keep cool and/or get him to responde.

I know he is like that because of me and I can not expect him to change overnight. He is a lovely boy, so loving and caring at times and I know that I do not deserve him.

sobernow - I so relate to your sometimes you don't want to be the adult comment! Some days I know I'm just doing all the wrong things and even have the tiny voice in my head telling me I should approach it the "correct" way, but it seems like my brain has gone into little child stubborn mode so I don't listen to myself! I do feel awful afterwards.

That said, I think the odd shout now and then can be quite effective (well, obviously depends what you're actually shouting...) in that if you don't do it that often it's more of a shock. Useful kept in reserve for when they've done something really outrageous or dangerous.

Yesterday, was ok. I stuck to the plan in stages, got very annoyed with DS on apacked bus. He started pulling my hair (gently), grabbing my nose and being a real pain. I did all the calm reasoning, told him quietly etc etc. I got very embarassed as people kept looking at me and giving me funny looks, I do not know why people get to me that was, but they do. I ended up shouting at him as soon as we get off the bus.

Today I am dermined to start again, dh is off sick today, and I will have to train his as well, because he has less patience than me.

Why is is when I am looking after DS, after a couple of hours ds will get to me, but within 5 minutes of DH getting home, DH is annoyed.

Happydays, I would genuinely be surprised if people on the bus were critical of you because you had a lively toddler. I suspect they were just bored and interested in the 'cabaret'! Perhaps you think they are disapproving of you because you are so critical of yourself? Your ds's behaviour sounds like my ds and he means it as a game. He doesn't pull hard but enjoys that I say 'ow!'. But if you really can't stand it or don't want to turn it into a game, then I personally think ignoring is a better strategy than any amount of calm reasoning with a toddler. Just look firmly out of the window until he stops grabbing your nose. Then give him your full attention and point to things out of the window etc. I think the advice about cutting down the language is interesting. When dressing ds I say 'Sleeves!" loudly and brightly when putting on coats etc, and it really seems to help him focus on the matter at hand, so it makes sense.

I was once told "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Which when you think about it, is so simple, but so good.
Also, never fal into the trap of asking if a child wants to do something that you actually want them to do - 9 times out of 10, they'll say no!!

The Sunday Times is worth buying today, if only for a piece about Korean baby triplets on page 27 of the main paper.
There they are, all nine of them laid out on a bed on the floor with no-one to cuddle them and presumably, just basic needs provided.

I've kept it to look at next time I think I'm being a 'not good enough mother'.
In fact, I don't think I'll ever have such thoughts again.