My life has changed so much with my second child, I am in shock, am I alone?

[Winnie]

Hi everyone, I am wondering whether I am the only person in the world who feels that having a second child has turned my life upside down in a way having my first never did. Call me naive but I just didn't expect it... the exhaustion, the lack of time to oneself (no time to oneself)...the laundry!

My eldest child is eleven I had her as I turned twenty, I raised her alone, I lived away from my family, I worked and became an undergraduate and then a postgrad student, then I worked fulltime. I got on with life and despite the lack of money, time etc, that goes with having a child, I took everything in my stride. I was reasonably relaxed. My second child is six months old, I love him beyond words, I am in a stable longterm relationship which I would not change for the world and I live near my family (although their involvement is minimal), but everything is so much harder. I can hear it now 'what did you expect? Of course it's twice the work etc.,' but I really wasn't prepared. I thought I was, but I had no idea! Returning to the job market feels like a mountain to climb, there is so very much to consider. In fact I feel more trapped at home now (despite my qualifications) simply because of the complex childcare situation both financial and strategic. Am I the only parent who expected change with the second child, thought I knew what I was in for and then got the shock of ones life?

I felt terrible for the first few months and was in a right state. I feel much better now though, so there is hope - it does get better. The passage of time seems to be the key.

I had my first child 14mths after we got married, thought everything would be ok, then when No1 was 9mths old I got pregnant again, six months down the line was told it was twins...Oh My God...what will we do was the first response, well we got on with it, heads down shoulders to the wheel etc. etc. here I am 13 yrs later and I think it was the best thing that could have happened, having had 3 children so close together, Alright I did spend the first three years almost housebound, I had to wait for someone to come to the house before I could take them for a walk when my DH was at work, we had no car so the weekly shopping was done via bus and taxi, one of us stayed at home with the children and the other shopped, the washing machine was in overdrive constantly on day and night, we were forever 'skint' and sometimes still are, but I dont think I would have had it any other way, they are at secondary school very happy normal teenagers, I am in PT work and things are getting back to normal, a long haul but you get there in the end. I think having them so close to one another also help's as they have constant play mate's, and enjoy each others company.

As far as family in put is concerned my Mum died a month before the eldest was born, my father died when I was nineteen, my three sisters were all a lot older than me and had their own families to sort out, so it was DH parents and sister that came to help on the odd occasion, very minimal now I think about it, I still have digits left over when I count the number of times they babysat for us....still that's life.

tinyfeet, I have just seen your post. I can't think of anything I wish we had done when we just had one. The only things we did were making sure in the last few weeks of my pregnancy that we did lots of things with DS1, special trips out, places that wouldn't be so easy to go to with a small baby in tow. Obviously the first few weeks with DS2 everything was upsidedown but DS1 (3 1/2 at the time) was delighted with his new little brother and I found that we had loads to talk about when I was sitting feeding. As time goes on you get out and about a bit more, I used to take DS1 to the park and sit on a bench feeding DS2 and now (DS1 4 and DS2 almost 14 months) I find that we can do more or less all the things that we did with DS1 before, except perhaps the cinema.

Beccaroll and tinyfeet, had mine 18 months apart, yes it is hard work and you think you will never sleep again(!) but I have never regreted it and it wasn't that much of a shock to the system. In fact now that I think about it when I had Andrew I remember thinking that I'd forgotten how easy a tiny baby was, they only, eat, sleep and cry.

Beccaroll, just do what I'm doing- fingers in ears and go lalalalala! We'll have plenty of time to worry in a few weeks, right now keep all lovely images of happy siblings playing quietly together firmly at the fore front of your mind.

It isn't always impossibly hard when no. 2 arrives. I found it easier than with one. DD1, a demanding child, was entranced with dd2 from the beginning, and we never had jealousy. They are now 4.5 and 2.5, and yes they sometimes fight like cats and dogs, but they also play together, make up fantasy worlds, build dens. My older dd even includes my younger when she has friends round to play. I now also have ds (4 months), and the older two have been good at entertaining each other during long bouts of breast feeding etc. I do find it is beginning to be a problem keeping the baby in some sort of routine and doing enough activities with the older ones, but we sort of manage!

Im due on Saturday with number 2 - its getting close!!

Just wondered if people had some good tips for the early days and making the upheaval easy on Megan (3.9yrs)

Thanks!

Becca
xxx

Thanks Ladies, for bringing me to my senses !!!
I've been feeling very broodie lately, but my main concern was disrupting our happy life.
I have twin boys(nearly 5), who have become very independent, we take them out everywhere with us, and they have become so "easy".I work 3 days a week, and childcare arrangements have become quite easy, as they both go to the same place at the same time. I'm also looking forward to finally having some time to myself when they go to school in September. All is very settled, except for this silly broodie feeling, that I'd really love another.
However, reading this has confirmed my feelings that it would disrupt everything.
I think I'll settle for the lovely DS's and step DD that I already have !!!!

Hi Becca, I'm not a good one for advice on Number 2 since I haven't had mine yet (due in December), but others have said that it is a good idea to buy some presents for your Megan and tell her they are from your new baby. Other than that, people say to be sure to still pay attention to her, not to ignore her because you are caring for your new little one. My friend has also mentioned that it is nice to sit with her while you are feeding the baby. HTH.

I think that she will be a little upset by the event no matter what you do, but keeping positive and spending as much alone time with her in the days before will be very benefical. This is my tactic anyway. I am now convinced that ds (3.3) will regress once baby is born as I was putting together the baby gym today and he insisted on laying underneath making baby mewing noises. Presents for her from the baby are always a good idea but don't tell her in advance as I did. My ds now has a fantastic vision of a walking talking play mate bringing him a giant remote control robot wars toy! I've only got myself to blame.

I don't know how much of this has been said before because I haven't read the whole thread but you could try a few of the following:-

The present thing from the baby to Megan and also ask family to bring a small gift for Megan if they are bringing something for the baby, or at least let her open the presents for you.

Make her feel like the big helper by fetching things for you and allow her to cuddle the baby as much as possible. Maybe make sure that she has her own baby, pram, cot etc so that she can do things at the same time as you.

Try to get other people to take the baby for a while whenever possible so that you can spend time with her alone rather than pushing her away to spend time with the baby.

I've got three so have gone through this twice. DS1 was particularly bad when DS2 arrived but this was partly because I spent 2 weeks in hospital followed by a further week of trips to SCBU and then was ultra protective over the prem DS2. DS1 found that the best way to get my attention was to shake, punch or bite DS2 - it worked every time but unfortunately I didn't handle it very well and it took the visiting special care midwife to tell me that babies really are stronger than we think for me to relax enough to allow this phase to pass.

You will often find that the eldest dotes on the new baby for the first few days/weeks/months but then the reality hits home when they realise that this baby is here to stay and they no longer have the monopoly on your attention, then suddenly they turn into the devil child and you need lots of patience and perseverance to win them around again.

This is helpful, PamT. Thanks for the advice. Any recommendations on a children's book for an 18 month old regarding getting a new little brother or sister? A book with flaps or holes would be great, as those are the ones that DD seems to really like now. Thanks again!

Have a look at this thread from last year.

I found 2 things helpful in with mine (22 months diff). The first was to tell her how the baby would probably be a bit of a pest, crying & needing nappy changes etc. We never suggested this was going to be a 'playmate' for our dd (although 6 years on they are best friends), and that mummy would need lots of help with the baby. Also, once the baby started to smile, keep saying things like 'she only smiles for you/she gives you her best smiles'. This seemed to make eldest dd feel v. special. Mind you, may be self defeating as at one stage, youngest dd would only let eldest dd feed her, spat it out for everyone else (inc. me).
As for books, the best one I found was really aimed at the 4/5 yr old with a toddler - call 'I wish my brother was a dog' and is great. We all loved it & it has been passed around loads.

Thanks boyandgirl and berries. I just ordered a bunch of the books mentioned in the thread from Amazon.

Found this old thread, and thought I'd resurect it! I've been feeling just like this - and thought I was the only one - it's helped me, and it might help someone else to read it!

arghhhhhhhhh ok now im scared i have one ds who will be 2 in oct and baby is due in dec. I have a friend with similair prospective age gaps her dd will be 2 1/2 and her db will be born in nov 3 wks before mine. I had 'thought' it would be easier going to 2 as going to one is big change completely but 2 at young ish age will be easier?????????? Please tell me my fantasy is true..pmsl

Oh, piece of cake! 22 months between my ds's. There is a big shock when you realise that you and dh can no longer take it in turns to look after one child while the other has some time to themself (for things like shower, toilet, making a cup of coffee). But you get used to the fact that one of you has to look after two children.

And sadly, the best advice that I got for looking after two - get a video recorder and lots of videos for no. 1 - is the best advice I can pass on. As I occasionally turned the telly off, Ds2 is much more into books because he listened to me reading to ds1 so much. Other than that, take it easy and have lots of easy days at home (getting three of you ready to go out will take a LONG TIME)

oh, and you'll have so much more energy than me as I'm 1967 vintage

I haven't had time to read the responses to your initial post so apols for any duplication, but my initial reaction to your post was - my goodness the baby is only 6 months old, of course your life has been turned upside down.

I guarantee that you will feel so much better a year from now (or hopefully sooner)

Mine are 22 months apart. First 10/11 months with no 2 were damn difficult.

Feel like it is coming together now (dd 2.11 and ds 15 months)