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Hate being a mother - help!!

38 replies

Lulu41 · 12/02/2003 09:50

I am currently having a real problem with my relationship with Ds I do not seem to break out of a horrible cyle whereby I am constantly sniping at him, policing his every move and generally being "nasty" his word not mine. He is only 5 and I am so worried he will end up hating me. Every day I try to stay calmer be nicer etc etc but am finding it very difficult to maintain. I know we all have our off days but what do you do when you seem to have too many?? Any help suggestions would be greatly received.

OP posts:
happydays · 28/02/2003 12:55

How I havent notices this thread before I do not know. I too find myself feeling a bad mother. One day I love my DS to bits, the next day I strongly dislike him, I seem to find myself shouting all the time, and look forward to when he is at nursery so I can have some peace. I act in anger to him too and have got to the stage where I just want to run away, even if that means leaving DH, like Rhubarb, I have a very bad temper and since I had ds it has got worse and I fly off the handle at silly little things, even when DS spills his drink, I know it was an accident, but I find myself screaming at him.

aloha · 28/02/2003 13:25

Happydays, have you thought about trying a parenting course? It may well help. I don't want to sound judgemental but it must be horrible & scary for your ds to be shouted at like that. I grew up with a lot of anger and shouting, and my parents sometimes took out their unhappiness on me. I do think it has hurt me and changed me. I wish they had changed their situation (ie got divorced) earlier so I could have grown up in a happier, calmer atmosphere. Also, of course, now I am an adult I can see how unhappy my parents were and think that if they had been happier than their relationship with my brother and myself would have been more relaxed and happier, which would have benefited them and me. Is there stuff going on in your life that is making you like this? Are you depressed? If so, I really urge you to sort it out if you can. Everyone gets fed up but I do think screaming at your son for spilling his drink is OTT and a sign of some deeper problem or pressure in your life.

aloha · 28/02/2003 13:38

I am posting this because I have very vivid memories of being shouted at by parents at the end of their tether. I know they loved me and I now have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but I do wish they'd sorted a few things out in their lives. I understand now that it wasn't me that was causing all the bad feelings, but I didn't understand it then. It is my abiding wish not to repeat history with my son. Sometimes my dh and I row in front of him and I feel so guilty and sad afterwards.

Rhubarb · 28/02/2003 15:58

Aloha - I have the very same memories of being shouted at and worse by my mother who could strike the fear of God into Mike Tyson! This is why I get so upset when I turn my temper towards dd. But I don't think a parenting course would help as I don't see it as a parenting issue, I see it as a personality issue, which is why I want to go on an anger management course. It's not just dd who bears the brunt of my anger.

I don't want to give her the same legacy I had, so the circle has to be broken somewhere. I do try, but sometimes the anger is so consuming, counting to 10 does not work. I don't think it is the sign of any underlying pressure or stress either, if you have been brought up with that, or inherited it, it is very difficult to get rid of it. It is part of your personality, albeit a nasty one. I wonder if anyone else has successfully controlled this part of themselves?

GeorginaA · 28/02/2003 16:50

I think the parenting course does help, because it provides you with alternative strategies to try before you blow your top. Also knowing that certain behaviour is "normal" pushing of boundaries helps (well it helped me... well most times!) get things more in perspective.

I have a quick temper, but having planned strategies beforehand helps to move straight into "dealing with this" mode and bypassing the "getting stressed and shouting lots" mode. Of course, it doesn't work all the time (oh if only life was like that!) but I have found that my shouting has got a lot less since going on the course, and that my relationship with ds is more fun and dealing less with bad behaviour. I've also found using the same techniques with dh so it's very good

Also, a side effect is, that if you don't shout often, when you do shout it has a lot bigger impact and can actually achieve something

Scatterbrain · 28/02/2003 16:51

Rhubarb - if you find any good courses can I come too !!!

I am exactly the same - and also have horrible memories of being shouted at ALL the time by my mother - there was NO pleasing her and I always felt that I was not good enough (still do) - so like you I don't want to carry that on to dd !!

SoupDragon · 28/02/2003 16:59

I'm really worried that DSs are going to remember me as an irritable, cross woman with no patience. It would be accurate, of course, but I don't want to be remembered that way. I have 2 elder (or should that be older?) brothers and I don't remember my parents being irritable with us - I@m sure we weren't exceptionally well behaved children (in fact I know we weren't).

I keep telling myself that they're just being normal 2 & 4 yos but I still find myself snapping when DS1 refuses yet again to put his socks on or something equally trivial. Is there a magic answer?

GeorginaA · 28/02/2003 17:20

Yes... sell your children to the circus

SoupDragon · 28/02/2003 17:26

I've threatened to sell them to the goblins many times. The circus refused to take them

Essie · 28/02/2003 18:19

Its kind of a relief to know that I am not the only Mummy who would love to run away and hide sometimes. Just coz of where we live and having the one car (which dh needs for work) Myself,Ds1 (2yrs) and Dd (1yrs) are trapped in the appartment somedays all day! (Well unless I man them on the small bit of grass outside the back step, that has a running river which has strict rules that no-one must go in.) This normally ends up in tears anyway as they can't get there own way! I can't take them for a walk, as it wrecks the buggie(no pavements, just dusty rocky excuses for roads) I feel like I am going to go mental some days. They really need to go out and run around and get some fresh air, but somedays it just isn't possible, I need to get on with housey stuff, if we go on the grass its a constant battle with them both dd wants to go in and drink all the water (which has chemicals in it) and ds just wants to throw mud in (which we also get told off about!) ds is so bored and frustrated he just whinges and whines, cries and moans, then dd joins in and I just want to run away and say stuff it all!!! The moaning all day drives me to distraction. It just seems that since his 2nd birthday he has changed into a brat. I hate living here, during a whingey whiney moment really don't like my kids, and if dh comes home late - and I am doing the bathing feeding, milking and bedding and trying to be loving amidst screaming fits for no apparent reason, I really feel like I could crack up. Oh to be near family and friends again!!!Ha Ha Ha!

Essie · 28/02/2003 18:20

Its when I shouted the other day which made ds jump, I felt absolutely awful and had to pick him up for a love after - how bad is that - I made him jump, he just looked shocked and scared by it - making me shudder as I think about it terrible - please don't think of me badly!

anto · 28/02/2003 22:24

Found a company called The Parent Company that does seminars on Building self-esteem, Effective discipline, Raising boys and Raising girls. I'm tempted to go along to one (or all!) of them but am 35 wks pregnant so not great timing! The website is if anyone's interested.

anto · 28/02/2003 22:25

Sorry that should be Building self-esteem in your children, of course! Not in you...although I feel like I need to sometimes (usually when I'm agonizing over my parenting skills!).

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