Older parents - Is it fair on the child?

[cakemonster]

Had a BFP a couple of weeks ago which came as a huge shock as I thought to be infertile and never acheived a 'natural' pregnancy with my ex altho' have had an IVF pregnancy which resulted in twin dd's 7 years ago. Now with new DP and lo and behold am pregnant. Big dilema I am now 40 and my DP 54 so apart from all the natural concerns about health issues and having a child at my age, is it fair for the child to have such 'aged' prents, despite being young at heart! Any experiences shared will be appreciated.

[Swedes]

I think I'm right in saying the birth rate for over 40 women is rising. Presumably they mostly have similarly "aged" partners - except WendyW

[sfxmum]

my mother was 36 when she had me, her first child, unfortunately she died when I was 15 but age wasn't a factor.

my father was 9 yrs younger but in no other younger or youthful.

I did not really feel odd growing up as there were other children with similar age mothers

I had my first child at 36 as well and still hope to have another one

of course I have concerns but like most things there is good not so good and it balances out

btw congratulations

[wasabipeanut]

Aaaw congratulations. I always think a late surprise pregnancy must be really lovely.

Keeps you young!

[Cammelia]

DD2 was born when I was 40, married to dh2 who was aged 38 at the time of her birth.

I'm now 52, he's 50, she's nearly 12

We love it.

DD1 was born when I was a teenager so as well as being the oldest mum at school I've also been the youngest.

[lucyhoneybee]

Congratulations!
My gran was born in 1919 when her mum was 49 and her mum was 71 when she died in an accident during the war. Whereas my dad had me at 20 and died last October aged 56.My gran and mum had babies at 38 and I've just had my 4th at 37.
If you're happy and healthy that is a blessing at any age. Average life expectancy means you should see your child turn 45 at least so what's the prob? We'll prob all end up working til we're 70 soon anyway!Look at all those women who look great for their age- no-one would diss Madonna at the school gates now would they? It's all dependant on how you look at it, as everyone said.
If you're worried about comments from others, this may help put it into context. My daughter has gorgeous deep red hair; I overheard a woman say she would have aborted a red haired child if she had been carrying one and had known!. If people are vile and ignorant why pay any mind to their comments? Best of luck; your twins will be a great help as they are the right age to enjoy helping you!

[Eulalia]

Congratulations. You'll be fine Is it fair? Well that's a huge question to ask. Depends what you feel a child ought to have - happiness, stability, some financial security, friends, stimulation etc.... none of which are age related. There is no requirement for you to be around for your child forever as they won't be a child and need to stand on their own two feet. Would it matter to your child if say you had him/her at 20 and they were aged 60 when you died for example. No of course not. The only issue I can see is the lack of being able to support grandchildren but this is a different question altogether.

The fact is you both conceived this child naturally so nature intends for us to be able to reproduce at this age. There is no right or wrong about it.

I had my 3rd child just before I turned 40 and dh was a month short of 60. That was 3 years ago. dh will probably take partial retirement at 65 and it means we can spend lots of time with the kids. Your childhood is the most important part of your life. If you can provide a good childhood for them, it sets them up for life. Good luck.

[majormoo]

My dad was 43 when I born and I was very conscious of him being an older dad when I was at school, but I would say 30 years ago it was probably less common than it is now. My mum is 18 (!) years older than my dad so I think that kept him young. As Eulalia said we always had financial security and my parents have a very happy and stable relationship which really was the important thing growing up. Also my dad has always been very active (still regularly playing golf in his late 70s) which I think is probably important with a young family. My dad nearly died of pneumonia a few years ago and the doctor said his recovery was owing to him being so fit for his age.

My nan had my mum at 35 and went on to have another 5 children over the next seven years, so age certainly didn't hold her back!

[majormoo]

whoops sorry my mum is 18 years YOUNGER not older!

[Elibean]

I watch my 80 yr old mum feeling responsible for her 101 yr old mother (a major hassle at her age), and can't help thinking 'at least the dds won't have that problem'...

[Cammelia]

Know what you mean, elibean, my parents had their 4 children by the time my father was 25

He is only 21 years older than me, and they're still both going strong.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

My Father was 50 when I was born, he was a young fit 50 though.

Some people are 'old' from a young age, it is all down to attitude.

Guadaloupe, my father also flew in the RAF during WW2. I used to bring him in for 'show and tell' when we did history!

He retired due to ill health (3 heartattacks) when I was 10 yrs and I spent many precious afternoons with him in his shed and pottering about in the garden.

He continued to be in good health until I was 18 and he was (belatedly) DX with non-hogkinsons lymphoma - he was already too ill and weak to have treatment, he recovered enough to be treated.

He died uneccessarily during a botched operation for an aortic annurism when I was 23.

My mother died also when I was 27.

I do not regret having older parents, in fact I believe I genuinely benefitted from their slightly 'old fashioned' parenting (manners, respect, discipline etc) and continue the better bits with my own DC.

Congratulations

[Elibean]

There are lots of us, aren't there?

Very reassuring. Our kids can start support groups if necessary

[herbgarden]

I had ds at 36 and am pregnant with next dc who will be born just shy of my 39th birthday and I would love to have another. I haven't really considered whether it would be "fair" on the child. My sil had 3 kids starting at 36 and ending at 42 and she is fit as a fiddle and has a full time job. My sister is 36 and hopes to have several kids but not for a year or so. I know hardly anyone who started a family under 30 so for me, we're all in the same boat. Like some posters here I feel sad that I may not see grandchildren or be able to maybe help out like my own parents and in laws have been able to but my life just didn't work out like that - I just feel very blessed that I could conceive and have kids at all at this age....and I will try to keep myself (and dh !!) fit to be able to keep up with them - dh is a year younger than me so not "old" probably in dad terms. A good friend of mine's brother in law died at 37 4 years ago leaving a 9 and 11 year old. You just never know what's round the corner so I think you just can't worry about whether you might grow old and leave your kids when they are still young after all it can happen to anyone at any time regardless of the age of your children.....I also don't give a damn whether anyone thinks I look like their Grandma (altho' luckily for me I'm told I have a young faceand I'm short so might be saved from those comments !)

[jenpet]

Congratulations! I am about to have DS2 any day (DS1 is 6 & a half) I am 36, other half is 52. Children will remember good & bad bits about their childhood regardless of how old their parents are imho. It's how YOU feel that is the factor here, because that is what will have an impact. My OH had issues about his age generally when we 1st got together (he also has 2 DC's from his 1st marriage) I hope we have worked through them together - he also used to say would it be "fair" to have children. Lots of things in life are not "fair", you need to do what's right for you.
Anyway, look at Michael Douglas!!

[Mercy]

Interesting points from those of you who are the children of older parents.

Perhaps I should be more positive but I do get in a mini-flap at times. My father died when he was 51 and I was 22 but I suppose I feel I was robbed because he wasn't a particularly good dad and a pretty awful husband to my mum tbh.

I guess that's what colours my view sometimes. I need to sort this out don't I?

Cakemonster, I'm sorry - I didn't even say congratulations to you

So, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[Anna8888]

I was 38 and a half when I had my first child and my partner is a year older. I feel very sad that I will inevitably not be able to enjoy as much of my child's life as I would have been able to do had she be born when I was younger but I didn't find a man I wanted to have a child with until I was in my mid-thirties and we are able to offer her a fantastic standard of living and education that her older stepbrothers (born when my partner was 30 and 32) didn't have at the same age.

So - there are advantages and disadvantages, I suppose. I do try pretty hard to stay fit and healthy and young of mind and spirit. I don't want her to have an "old" mother.

[Anna8888]

BTW, my paternal grandparents were 45 and 60 when they had their last child (of five). My uncle is a very successful and happy man with four gorgeous children.

[MrsBergerac]

Hello

I'm new here. I thought I was infertile and unexpectedly got pregnant, after 19 years of marriage, at 41, my husband was 47. Our daughter is the light of our life and I wouldn't have it any other way. She does only have one grandparent, but as we live so far from our families we don't get any back-up anyway. So many of my friends didn't start their families until they were in their mid to late thirties anyway so I am not much older than them.

Have a happy and healthy pregnancy.

[chenin]

Cakemonster... just to let you know it will all be OK..

I was 38 when I had DD2 and I am the coolest Mum ever (!!) and she is nearly 17 now. It is all a state of mind.. honest! I have always mixed with Mums who are younger than me and TBH I am more streetwise than them. I have been there, done it and got the T shirt in my past, so I can maybe bring something to parenting that younger Mums can't. I have been to rock concerts with my DDs, both my DDs confide in me, I am in tune with them totally. I am lucky in that I have a young outlook, dress young and I know what is going on in the world.

If you are questioning yourself now, that means you will stay ahead of the game and will bring something to their lives that may not be better but is different than a younger Mum.

[NotAnOtter]

i had dcs in 20's 30 s and now 40s

I am a FAR better parent now than i was then

more chilled

go for it and CONGRATULATIONS!

[Donkeyswife]

Hey Cakemonster, many congrats.

Firstly, 40 is NOT old!!! At my antenatal classes, I noticed that most couples there were either teenagers or 30 - 45 year olds, so please don't think that you are an old mummy to be, you're not!!

My mum had me at 39 and I swore that I would never have kids 'that old' - just cos when I was a kid growing up in the 'provinces', it was unusual to have kids at that age (b ut then I was child no 7!) and a few kids at school made unkind remarks about my mum being my granny. But as I got older, it just didn't matter that my mum had me later in life, she'd had 6 kids before me and i really admired her and still do for her and dad creating the kind of family they wanted.

Now, in my case, history has (almost) repeated itself, cos, though I would have liked to have started a family earlier, it just did not work out that way and I had my ds at 38 and have just given birth at 40 to a beautiful daughter. Do I feel old? No! When I look at one member of my family who became a mum at 20 and has really struggled, I feel fortunate to have lived a little and got myself somewhat sorted before becoming a mother. Honestly, older parents can bring so much into a child;s life.

I figure that well life has allowed me to have kids when I'm more settled and have a husband and home. Honestly, just pop down to Homerton hospital antenatal classes in Hackney, east london and you;ll see that you're not an old mum, you're an average mum!

[NotAnOtter]

aww donkeyswife!

was it nice being number 7? (say yes!)

[Donkeyswife]

NotanOtter, it was absolutely bleeding great. 6 instant friends, no bullying at school cos they'd have had to deal with my big brother and sisters, fussed over as a child lots... And now, it's still great!

Only thing is, even though i'm 40, my eldest sisters still treat me like i'm 10 or something!

[busywheels]

My Mum was 36 when I was born and my Dad 42. Nothing by todays standards, but 30+ years ago they were old for parents.

Throughout my school life I was acutely aware of their age in comparison to the parents of my peers. Although they were physically fit, they were always old at heart. I would dread parents evenings and sports days as they were always guarenteed to embarrass me. I can also remember worrying about them dying, again because of their age.

Once I left school, I found it much easier to accept them for who they were and rarely thought about their age until my children were born. My partners parents were also older parents. They are both now dead as is my Dad and I find it very sad that we have lost our parents at a relatively young age, but also that my children will never know their grandparents.

I know there are no guarentees, but I hope to be around to enjoy my grandchildren!.

[Blondilocks]

My dad is an older dad. Some guys I work with who are 20 plus years older have dads that are the same age as mine.

To be honest it has made absolutely no difference whatsoever. Nobody commented when I was younger. My dad still runs around with my DD & goes out cycling, walking etc.

I like the quote that "age doesn't matter unless you're a cheese" (can't remember who said it though).