Older parents - Is it fair on the child?

[cakemonster]

Had a BFP a couple of weeks ago which came as a huge shock as I thought to be infertile and never acheived a 'natural' pregnancy with my ex altho' have had an IVF pregnancy which resulted in twin dd's 7 years ago. Now with new DP and lo and behold am pregnant. Big dilema I am now 40 and my DP 54 so apart from all the natural concerns about health issues and having a child at my age, is it fair for the child to have such 'aged' prents, despite being young at heart! Any experiences shared will be appreciated.

[PinkyDinkyDooToo]

Congratulations!
I had two friends at school who had much older Dads and we didn't notice until we were about 15/16 that their parents were older.

So pleased for you

[msdemeanor]

I am and older parent and yes, I have wondered 'is it fair on the child' to have one more. I am not remotely insulted. It's a reasonable thing to ask, just as it would be if you were 17 and homeless or if you had overwhelming commitments of any kind. As it happens, I don't think my kids suffer at all, and I'm certainly not the oldest mum I know. I think the oldest had her last at 46, but also know a couple who had a baby at 45. I feel sad that I may not really know my own grandchildren, but it's life, and there are no guarantees.

[AbbeyA]

I don't think that it is an odd question or remotely insulting. It is natural to be worried. I had my last child at 40. No one, so far, has thought I was the grandparent! The thing that makes the great difference is that the grandparents are much older, especially if they had their children late, and you can't expect a lot of help in hands on child care.

[Guadalupe]

dh's late father was 60 when he was born and his mother was 42. Both second marriages. I think he got lines for lying when he said his father flew in the RAF. He did.

[Katisha]

I still think it's "fairer" to be born rather than not born if the reason for not getting the go ahead is because your parents think they'll be on the old side...

If you want and are able to have a baby and you are over 40, these days, honestly, what actual unfairness could there be?

60 is the new 40 and all that!

[giddly]

I'm also an older parent, and I think it's a fair question. I had DD1 at 41 and dd2 and 43 - my DH is 3 years older. I think you do have a duty to try and keep yourself as fit as possible (realise not always within your control)but basically at the memonet I don't feel I'm much different from the younger mothers (it helps that I live in a place where ancient mothers are very common!). I do worry about what may happen in the future (both my parents died in their early 60s). However then I hear of awful things happening to younger women and think that while it's statistically more likely you'll become ill while your children are dependant if you're older, life is still a lottery and you can't predict.

Congratulations - I hope you enjoy motherhood as much as I am!

[Elibean]

I wonder how many of us older mothers are in SW London

Supposedly the highest percentage of older parents in the UK!

Agree with whoever said the biggest difference is older grandparents - thats true. Both dh's parents are dead, and whilst both of mine are young in spirit and very fit, they dont' help much. Mind you, I'm not sure they would have helped much twenty years ago either

But grandparent figures are plentiful in the dds' lives, in the way of godparents and uncles/aunts....

[Mercy]

I'm reluctant to post this but as an older parent too I do at times wonder if it is fair on the child.

It's mostly ok atm, but I'm going through the menopause with a 4½ and a 7 year old. I can deal with most things but I do get a bit panicky when I think of the next 5-10 years. It's the lack of energy which concerns me.

On the plus side, I think I'm reasonably young at heart even thuogh I'm way behind with technology etc, but there's often someone to help you out.

I think it also depends on the type of person you are. For example, friends who are hte same age as us have young/mid teenage children. I have ended up advising them on a couple of matters bizarrely, I think simply because I am a bit more 'streetwise'. They are lovely, educated but naive (imo) even in their mid 40s.

[Fauve]

I didn't know that about SW London, Elibean. I obviously chose the right place to live I think Giddly is right, that you have a duty to keep as fit as possible. My excuse for a degree of self-indulgence - I have to keep myself alive for the kids... Have lots of massages if you can manage it, Mercy.

[AbbeyA]

Older parents can be much fitter than younger ones. I go running, cycling and swimming. I love skiing and hope to be doing it when an OAP!

[OldieButGoldie]

Cakemonster, you say it is a dilemma. Do you mean whether or not to have this child? Based on your age and that of your partner? I think you know the answer to that. If you really felt it was a no no you wouldn't even post here.

Of course you want to have this child!! After years of thinking you were infertile you must be overjoyed. 'Fair' doesn't come in to it. It's a little baby you and your partner want and will love and that's the perfect start to life.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

[oilandwater]

My parents were 39 & 53 when they had me. They were, and are, great parents. Now they are also fantastic grandparents, at 74 & 88. They can't quite look after ds on their own but they play all day with him and never tire of having him around. Everyone thinks they are much younger than they are -- perhaps having kids later kept them younger?

When I was a kid I did worry about them dying. Probably most kids worry about this no matter how old their parents. I have since have had a number of friends whose parents passed away, all much younger than my parents. It's made me realize that you can't guarantee how long you'll be around for your children no matter how old you are when you have them.

The biggest difference btw them and my friends' parents was probably musical tastes. Definitely have "old" music preferences. But they have actually always been much more laid-back and easygoing than most of my friends' parents.

Congratulations and good luck!!

[AnnVan]

Congratulations! I don't think it's a problem. My dad's parents, like you, thought they couldn't have children, they adopted a son, and nine years later, when my gran was in her forties, my dad came along.
I also have friends with older parents, and they haven't seemed to suffer. DP's mum had four kids young, and now has had a fifth child (in her forties) who is 18 years younger than the youngest of her half siblings.

It really isn't a problem or even that unusual

[hugglebug]

My dad was 59 when I was born and is still going strong at 86years old and is young at heart. My Mum was 33 when she had me and altho considered an older mum for the time by todays standards clearly she wasn't. You need to go for it but please take care of yourself as the sad irony in my case is that my Mum died 2.5 years ago from lung cancer (she was a smoker) and so isn't around to see my DC being born this December.

[kingfix]

Congratulations, OP! FWIW, my mum had me at 20, my DB at 40 and my DS at 44 and has been a fab mum to us all. My DS says she wishes she had known mum when she was still skinny and wearing outrageous clothes, but I am envious of how much more laid back she is with them than she was with me. Mum says the baby years are fine, but having teenagers in your late fities/early sixties can be wearing, but then it keeps her young in her mind too. Hope all goes well.

[jeanjeannie]

Congrats!!! I think older parents ROCK But then I would...I was 41 when I had DD1 and 42 when I had DD2 - just 11 weeks ago. Plus my mum was is her late 30s when she had me and dad was 41....they're still fit as fiddles, go off on jolly jaunts, hold hands and giggle like kids!

My DP is 7 years younger than me but we both have energy levels that are through the roof - always have had. I've not let older parenting worry me at all. In fact here in Bucks, older mums seem to be all the rage. Like the OP, I thought I couldn't have kids - then just under 3 years ago I met my DP...and now have 2 of them!!

There is a thread over in Pregnancy full of us 40 somethings....many of whom are preggie after a 17 year gap! Please do come and say HI... we'll soon put your mind at rest.. x

[arabicabean]

A huge congratulations to you.
My husband and I are in our forties and have just had our first baby. The pregnancy was fine and I had excellent private obstetric care. As for health issues ? I have not suffered any. I used to go to the gym practically daily before my pregnancy so was pretty fit. I am now back with my trainer and working towards my pre-pregnancy shape.
As for being ?fair? I personally do not see having a child in your forties to be a issue. It is very common nowadays and I know many women like myself who chose to focus on career before motherhood. Also, if you come to motherhood later in life you have a wealth of experience and if you can combine financial security with that, it is a great combination.

[frankiesbestfriend]

My mum was 18 when she had me and I hated having the youngest mother.

All I wanted was a 'normal' mother, who wore a dress and baked cakes for the school fete. My friends, however, thought my mum was so cool, and they all wished they could swap their older parents for mine.

I think the point of my post is, regardless of age, disability or sexual orientation, it is a child's job to be, at some stage, embarrassed by their parents. Some might hate their mother's tye dye t shirts, others their dad's insistence on trying to use the latest hip lingo.

I don't think you will be the oldest mum at the school gates, younger mums are in the minority at my dds school.

Congratulations, and really I think your age is not an issue.

[tazmosis]

I haven't read the whole thread, but...I was 36 with dd1 and 37 nearly 38 with dd2 and my DH was 42 and 43. When we went to the ante natal classes we weren't the oldest by a long way. Neither of you are old and as you say the child will be wanted and loved - so Congratulations!

[Swedes]

Some people will live to see 100 some people will not live to see 60.
Some people look 50 when they are in fact 30 and some people look 30 when they are in fact 50.

Congratulations.

Swedes: Age 44 Mother to 4 children (youngest 12 months) DP age 50

[Swedes]

SW London Mumsnetter says "It's never too late to have a baby

[WendyWeber]

DC4 was born when I was 42 (DH was "only" 40!) It's true that at the school gate I was older than some of the grandmas there but who cares, really?

It's wonderful having teenagers in the house when you're in your 50s, you get to know all sorts of zeitgeisty stuff that you'd miss otherwise

Congratulations!!!

[Elibean]

oilandwater, I worried all the time about my dad dying when I was a kid....he was only about 32 when I was born. And for that matter, he's 82 now and going strong

I don't think worrying about death is necessarily logical!

[Elibean]

Well, yes, logical - but not age-related.

[PuppyMonkey]

My dad was 50 and my mum was 42 when I was born. I did feel a little "different" from other kids, yes. But I got used to it. People assumed dad was my grandad and I was a bit . But I got over it.

Dad died when he was 77 and I was 27. In the grand scheme of things, I think we had a big long stretch of years together. I don't feel cheated or anything.

Mum is still going strong now and I'm 41. I had dd2 last year - don't feel old at all myself. Yet.