Cosleeping advice- at my wits end 😢

[Bullzeye]

My DD is 9 weeks old. I also have a 3 year old. I chose to cosleep with my eldest due to being a poor sleeper until the age of 3, who still struggles to sleep on his own and now sleeps with Dad. I promised myself this time around things would be different but here we are again, sleep deprived and feeling like a failure.

DD won't ever go in her own sleep space, I've tried everything, white noise, swaddle, dark room, bedtime routine etc. I know I need to cosleep at night for my sanity however how do I get anything done in the evening!? I try to put her down just so I can wash the bottles/have a shower for my bedtime routine and it ends up being hours of trying and failing. Every 10 minutes she will scream wanting to be rocked back to sleep. She ends up being so overtired and each time is more difficult to get her back to sleep.

For context day naps consist of baby wearing and contact naps when my eldest is at nursery.
At night, she won't even sleep beside me. She has to either be on my chest or with her head on my arm. She's getting bigger and heavier and it's becoming really uncomfortable for me. If I lay her down on the mattress next to me, she does the same thing... Waking every 10 mins screaming until she is back on me again.

I feel insane someone please give me some tips on how I can get a little bit of me time🙏 (no I'm not sleep training her as I'm happy to cosleep)

“Co-sleeping means your kids are both anxious and stressed” - source for that please @IslandsAround!!

Also, one last thing - when you have two or more children sometimes one does need to learn to wait and this shouldn’t always be your DS. For example - baby is crying in cot but toddler needs a poo - baby has to cry a bit longer while you deal with the toddler. You are trying to get baby to sleep and toddler wants to share earth-shattering insights on Thomas the Tank Engine - he needs to wait while you settle baby “so I can listen properly and then we can play together”. This doesn’t do either child any harm. My younger kids are still brilliant at sleeping anywhere because they were just carried around in the older one’s routine as babies!

What are your partners working hours?
What time does the 3yo go down? Can you shower before your partner goes to work and then just go to bed with baby when needed? I know it's not ideal if you are set on co-sleepong with the baby and they won't tolerate being put down (I get it, my now 2yo was like that) then you just need to accept that this is your life for a few months unfortunately.

If finances aren't an issue then you could look at a snoo. I was skeptical but we were gifted one and it worked so well I am fully converted

Keep practicing putting them in the next to me for the first nap of the day. I used to put mine in the cot so I could go to the loo, yes they grizzled and sometimes cried, but they also sometimes just fell asleep (mine would scream with tiredness, held or not - comfort didn't help because they seemed to screaming about how tired they were!). I gradually cracked cot naps that way and would shower or change the bed, or even read, so I was in the same room or in the next room with the door open so I could see them. I personally think it's worth persistence but YMMV.

Our 4 year old still joins us in the night, some temperaments need it!

Your 9 week old is so little, so many things can change in such a short amount of time (as you know). Just keep surviving these first few months and take stock later in the year. Right now just go with whatever works, knowing it's not forever xx

For cosleeping I really recommend the UK Cosleepers Facebook group for excellent advice on maximising the safety of your setup. I also used an Owlet sock to give me peace of mind.

@Bullzeye I’m so sorry to have just skim read these HORRID responses. I cannot believe anyone would talk to a woman asking for help 9 weeks postpartum like this!

Anyway, my two cents is about the baby needing to be on your chest or arm. I figured with my baby (who still likes to smoosh into my arm!) that it was because of the carrier naps. The smoosh was what she was partially using to self soothe. I started doing more lap naps, so still holding her but she wasn’t getting to smoosh her face in, which helped with lying next to in a c curl at night. Even last weekend she ended up having all her Saturday naps on the carrier as then Saturday night wanted a smoosh! Anyway, lap naps helped me! I appreciate it doesn’t free up time.

Also, I think it’s lovely that you are parenting your three year old in a way that works for them. Cosleeping is natural. Lots of adults sleep with a partner. I find it comforting. Why would this be different for the tiniest of humans?

I think you're getting some unnecessarily harsh responses OP. a 3yo still needing comfort in the night isn't that unusual going by what most of my mum friends say.

I would try and get the shower and anything else that could be moved out of the evening done in the day time. Babe might lay in a bouncer, basket, etc while you shower even if they scream for a few mins. Can you fit one in the bathroom or just outside? You can sing while you shower to comfort if needed. Bedtimes id go to bed with the baby or carry in a sling while you get stuff done then put them down same time as you go. My middle spent his evenings in a carrier until he was past 6 months, he was asleep, just not in bed. I also learned to back carry which helped with how easy this was.

There is a way to improve the safety of chest sleeping, maybe cosleepy website. And you could use that on the nights the baby won't settle and you have to sleep.

Re the 3yo id just persist as you are and get them to sleep at bedtime, leaving them for the evening and dad joining when he goes to bed. If you wanted to introduce more independent sleep then dad sleeping on a different sleep surface in the same room, or in a different room and either 3yo joins dad if he needs in the night or vice versa.

I've coslept with all mine. 6yo sleeps all night in his own room, we coslept until around 4 iirc but he came through to me for a good year or so after that if he needed to. 3yo, nearly 4yo now, chooses if he wants to sleep in his own bedroom or share with me and DC3, and comes through in the night if needed. DC3 is only a week old and cosleeps well at the moment.

All 3 of mine slept in a bedside crib. I used to keep a muslin cloth close to me when feeding, then I'd get DH to tuck it across the crib and put a heat pad or hot watter bottle in on top so there was a patch of warm. Always settled them. It's the comfort of smell and warmth you need to replicate.

OP I find it odd you are expecting a 9 week old to sleep alone, but not a 3 year old? Cosleeping is fine at those ages of course, ignore the ignorance of other posters here. You'll have to do what you can whilst baby wearing during the day, for example washing bottles, and then take a shower when your partner is around. Just give up trying to put her down, that'll be taking so much time for no benefit. I wouldn't be expecting a 9 week old to 'go to bed' until you go to bed yourself anyway? When mine was that age, my partner would have her whilst I showered and did anything I needed to, then we'd watch TV whilst holding her, until we all went to bed. it's completely normal for a 3 year old to need parental presence to go to sleep, even if not cosleeping.

I don't think the OP expects either child to sleep alone. She's just wanting more than 5/10 minutes where she can put the baby down.

How long will the 3yo sleep on their own once they've settled? If you can get a good sleep cycle or so before they wake, could DH take the baby so you can have some alone time? Or if DH is working – or on days they're not on call – could DH take the 9wo during the day so you get an hour or so to yourself for a nice bath/shower/shave/walk/coffee alone?

9wo needing contact sounds normal to me, although not ideal for you if it's prohibiting your own sleep. What's your sleep set-up – are you not comfortable/getting too hot/cold with the contact? (Trying to work out what you might be able to change/introduce for this element as it's currently bothering you.) Is baby completely in your bed or do you have a next to me extending their sleeping area with a barrier (so you're not worried about them falling out/feeling the need to constantly check on them, etc., which could add extra disturbance).

Are you happy with the time you're going to sleep with 9wo? If not, I wonder if you could wear them in the evening while doing the bottle wash, etc. before moving sleep to the actual bed.

I hear your disappointment about how things are currently and think you need to reflect on your experience with your 3yo and work out exactly what about that you wanted to be different this time, and then look at how you can facilitate that – perhaps not in the way you envisioned but in a way that still aligns with your situation and beliefs.