When to have next baby

[janlostinbabyland]

My ds is only 10 months but I'm thinking of number 2. Can't decide whether it would be better to have another one now and get the sleepless nights over with or whether I should wait so that I can focus on ds1. Would love to know other opinions? Is it a nightmare of new baby waking toddler and vise versa? My Mum definately thinks we should wait until ds is at least 3yrs. My brother and I are 3 1/2 years apart but aren't really that close. Can't decide!!!

I believe it all depends on whether you feel ready or not. I have 2 ds 17 months apart and was just really excited about cracking on for baby two when ds1 was about 9 months. Having said that it is easier if your ds is walking before baby 2 arrives. It probably is a tad more tricky with them both in nappies but I don't know any different, so am not overly bothered. DS1 has not been jealous of DS2 and already with ds2 nearly a year, it is delightful to watch them play together.

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Personality does come into it - some children will get on regardless and others will never see eye to eye. However, from a practical point of view some age gaps are easier to work with IMO. We have a 2 and a half age gap with a 3 yr academic gap. It worked for us because DD1 was walking longer distances confidently so didn?t need to worry about double buggy. She was out of nappies so didn?t need to worry about two lots - and was properly past the "accident" stage so fewer last minute panic dashes to Marks and Spencers toilets with a sleeping baby in tow.. She was also big enough to understand that she needed to be gentle, not pick her up, not feed her stuff off the floor etc. etc. and now DD2 is starting to walk and play, she sits and "reads" her stories etc.
A close friend had her second child at the same time and has a son who was only 1 - the difference was stunning. She had two sets of nappies to do, couldn?t ever trust him with the baby, he had no real ability to play independently - all making her life harder with her second when my life was actually easier having a llittle helper around. She has constantly said that she wished she waited longer and regrets having them so close now - although I am sure that it will all work out fine when they are a bit older.
I would definitely recommend leaving at least a 2-3 yr gap if possible.

jess is only 6 months old and we are trying again!

I had lactational ammenorhea between my kids so are fairly spaced out. 2.9 years between ds and dd and will be 3.4 years between dd and this next baby. This has suited me fine as I don't think I could have coped with a smaller gap but ds has speical needs so needs a lot of attention.

One thing you should consider is how many children you are going to have. If only 2 then maybe go for a bigger gap.... enjoy no 1 a bit longer and obviously depending on your age just take your time. If you want to have 3 (or more) then obviously you need to consider squeezing them a little closer together. Good luck with no 2 whenever it happens

20 months between dd and ds and it was hell for the first 7 months or so for all the reasons that people have already said. I found that logistically my nappy brain just couldn't get to grips with 2 very demanding small people. All I can say is that I lurched from one day to the next. However, I planned it that way because of my age (late 30s). I'd love to have another but would have to consider a similar age gap and quite honestly just don't have the energy for another. Things are much better since I stopped bf and have just found a nursery for dd so she can socialise a bit more. Also they are starting to play together which I really love - they seem to quite like each other.
I couldn't possibly be prescriptive about what age gap would be the best, but IME 20 months is tough at the beginning but gets easier quite quickly.

I'm actually quite jealous of people who can "plan" their families. DD took us 18 months to conceive, so we started trying for the second when she was only 6 months old, just in case it took the same time again. We also wanted several children & wanted to get it over with in one go. So we had 4 children in 5.5 years...

Yes it is easier when they are the same age, esp now we have 4 teenagers, but none of them ever got enough individual attention & I feel now that I missed out on their early years because there was always so much to do and too many people wanting attention at the same time. Just getting through the laundry was a major hurdle.

Our worst gap was the one between DD (baby1) & DS2 (baby3) which was 3.5 years. She hated him from day1 & they still don't get on now, while she dotes on DS3 (baby4) & is very close to DS1 (baby2).

The 19 month gap between the first 2 was fine for the children & hell on earth for me- 2 in nappies for ever! The exactly 2 years gap between the elder boys meant they fought & squabbled non-stop, and the 2 years 1 week between the younger 2 boys also meant no end of fighting. Four years between DS1 & DS3 meant they had little in common & ignored eachother completely!

With ours it's a personality clash. DD & DS2 are very alike & really don't get on, while no-one gets on with DS2 & everyone (else) gets on with DD and DS3.

wow that sounds complicated Tallulah

most of the couple in England have a gap of 2 years between 2 babies..
Many friends of mine reckon 3 years is easier...

Don't know....it depends also how young you are to wait...

HI EVERYONE,
MY SON IS JUST 4 AND HAVE A NEW BABY GIRL....HERES HOW IT IS FOR ME(THIS IS NOT REALLY ADVICE)
IM FINDING BABY NO 2 MUCH EASIER AND AM ENJOYING HER MUCH MORE THAN DS1 (NOT SUCH A SHOCK TO THE SYSTEM I SUPPOSE) BUT THE HARD WORK SEEMS TO BE MY DS WE'VE HAD MORE PROBLEMS SINCE OURDD CAME ALONG ITS UNBELIEVEABLE...... OBVIOUSLY WE WORK THROUGH THEM AND ARE THINKING ABOUT NO3......
SO IT CANT BE ALL THAT BAD!!!!
I FIND IT EASIER TO PRIOROTISE AND WORK OUT WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT.... EG CAREER, CAN ALWAYS PUT IT ON HOLD.....HOPE THIS HELPS(A BIT)

I conceived ds when dd was 12 months old and they are 21 months apart.

It is bloody hard work in the beginning, but nevertheless I am happy with the age gap because they already seem close (at 9 months old and 2.6).

They will also have similar interests when we are planning family days out (i.e. won't have a much older child who is peeved and switched off by the babyish things we are doing with much younger child. And most of the time they will attend the same school (i.e. won't have to drop one off at Junior school and then take the other somewhere else to Senior school).

Well...that's the theory anyway

Despite Twiglett's very positive experience I think that older toddlers and children can often (not always) be more jealous of new babies than young toddlers - who tend to be less questioning of the new arrival.

well, my first two children are close in age ( just under 2.5yrs) and get on very well, but fight alot too. they are now much older and i have dd2... whos got a brother whos 11 yrs older, and a sister whos 9 yrs older. they adore her and she them, but i have decided to ttc again and get dd2 a sister/brother nearer her own age, as the closeness of my older two is something i think everyone should experience.
my sister and i are 4.5 yrs apart and its too far, only now as adults do we feel and think the same, growing up the gap was huge.
what ever you do will feel 'right' and normal to you, and each has its pros and cons....

my two dd's are 28 months apart and my first dd has special needs meaning that it got a little difficult post-caesarean when I could not lift/carry her etc. But in terms of waking etc - unless dd2 really has the screaming addabs( as we call them) dd1 sleeps through it - but she is a good sleeper. She is also getting better at waiting for things if I am feeding dd2 etc. I think for me it was just a matter of being organised. Dd2 sleeps through anything - we never made a point of making dd1 be quiet etc whilst dd2 was sleeping.

We did not really plan this but started trying when dd was about 18 months old and it happened straight away much to our surprise.

If we decide to have no3 then we will probably leave the 2 yearish gap again.

My 2 sons are almost exactly 4 years apart - youngest in nearly 10 months now - and I find it's a great gap. It wasn't really planned that way (nothing about my childbearing has been planned at all!) but DS1 has been great. Very few sibling rivalry problems as he's old enough to have his own network of friends and not rely on me as the only significant other in his life, so I don't think he has much jealousy of his little brother. He loves him to bits , and wants to help out all the time, which was v useful when I was b/f as I could always ask him to fetch things for me. Somethimes he is a little rough with him but babies are very resilient, and DS2 is fascinated to watch his older brother playing and I can tell he's just desperate to join in! Personally I would have dreaded the thought of 2 in nappies, double buggies etc. I had 2 younger brothers by the time I was 3 and there was always a lot of fighting (we love each other now!) and it must have been hell for my mum!

The right time is when you are ready.

My two are 2yrs 5 months apart, and it's pretty good now, but when ds was a baby I did feel I was harder on and less patient with toddler dd because I was tired and cranky a lot.

I think about 3 and a half years would have been good because then dd would have been off to kindy while ds was still a bub, and I could have more one on one time with him without the rivalry for my time and attention.

There are pros and cons on both sides though and as I say it's really up to you, and when you feel ready. Why not make a list, actually write down all the postive and negative things you can think of and see how it balances up?

I agree, wordsmith! My sis and I are 4 years apart, and growing up, I always looked to her for guidance, but she wasn't close enough in age to me to be competitive. Now, we're thick as theives.

But I'm in my mid-30s and I certainly don't have the energy I had when I was in my mid-20s (the same age my mum had me), so we're trying not to wait as long.

In an ideal world, however, I'd wait till our daughter was 3 before trying again.

expat, don't worry about energy levels, I had my first at 37 and my second at 41 - and I can't say I would have been that much more energetic if I was 10 years younger. Looking after babies makes you knackered whatever your age.