Working mums how do you do it

[Natasha35]

As the title says I’m only on my second week.
My son is 8 months tomorrow has bad conjunctivitis chest and cold. So is waking a few times a night.

he attends nursery 2 days a week, my mum has him 1 day and I WFH with him 2 days.

I leave him at 8am and get back at 6.30pm.

my husband picks him up from nursery and takes over from my mum.

when I get home it’s dinner a quick cuddle and the baby wants to be in bed by 7.30 😭

then I have to pack his bags do the days bottles ready for the morning. I’m exhausted already

I miss my baby 😭😭

I say this with absolute kindness OP… as a single parent with very little financial or practical support from DD’s dad, the only way you do it creating clear boundaries for each part of your life.

When I’m working, I am fully working, making sure I’m delivering everything as efficiently as possible. When I’m with my daughter I am in full mum mode… my team know I am not available, I don’t check emails, DD doesn’t see my laptop out when I am with her.

if you blur the lines on your working days or parenting days, you end up not getting the satisfaction from either part.

This and other people commenting similarly are being very unkind. It’s great if you can afford full time nursery, or to work part time, or you have help, but not everyone does, what are they supposed to do? You have no idea what has been agreed with her work place or what her job is. She is working nap times and evenings maybe she does longer days the other days and flex hours on the days she wfh. My job can happen anytime as long as I meet my deadlines so I work in nap times, after bedtime, and weekends. It isn’t ’rightly So’ for people to be fired and it’s really unkind to say it’s unfair on the child. The same people say it’s fine to cook and clean and do other things around the house, teach your child to play independently, let them be bored sometimes etc. just as long as you’re not working apparently

op it does sound like you need more support from dh but otherwise I have no idea, it feels impossible at times, it’s not just you.

If your work is so flexible then why not leave early most days a work in the evening? In answer to your question I finish at 4:30 and have a 12min commute.

Op it's hard. On the working while also looking after a baby. There have been lots of comme to on that, and o ly you really k ow the deal with your boss and how acceptable that is. I would question how that will work as your baby grows, is mobile, naps less etc.

How do you juggle working and parenting? It's harder than just working or being a full time parent. Key for me was support from dh. If you're both working full-time, he needs to take his share of home jobs and child care. That can be who cooks, who clears up, who shops, who does laundry, who drops off and picks up from childcare.

What can you outsource. Can you get a cleaner, on line food order.

What is your back up for illness.

The more flexible things are, the more support you have the easier things are. And be aware that the stuff that is difficult to deal with changes as they get older, so be ready to change your plans too.

Enjoy! Babies are awesome. But so is maintaining a career. It's possible to do both.

But it is unfair on the child and working an 8 hour day where you are expected by your employer to be focused on work activities is not even in the same realm as cleaning and cooking and letting your child play independently.

Most jobs require meetings, phone calls, reports to write etc. Yes some jobs are task based but for the most part it is impossible to do a full day's work and look after a child. I'd go as far as to say it's neglectful to the child, you can't possibly look after young child adequately if you're focused on a job.

And many companies have strict working from home policies which state they are no substitute for childcare. So saying people can be rightly fired isn't being unkind, it's stating the truth. And this is for good reason. You aren't being paid for looking after your child and if you're not working from home and actually working then this impacts on other people. For example I work in social work. If I was using my wfh days for childcare it's inevitably clients who suffer if I don't get reports in for funding for care in time, can't answer calls or go important meetings with families.

And yes it's hard, but working from home and looking after a child should never be an option. Most of us have to juggle to make it work.

My work is also flexible but I think there’s the risk of being pulled into too many directions and ending up trying to work and look after the baby 24/7. If possible at all in your line of work, I’d try to condense work and separate work time from family time. Eg Mon-Thurs 9am-6pm work plus Fri evening; the rest of the time enjoying quality time with your baby.

People really take against it don’t they?

You will all hate me - I wfh 5 days a week and have my youngest with me the entire time and my eldest 2.5 days. I just make sure to respond to messages and calls during working hours, maybe one or two calls a week and a slack message once or twice a day. My manager is entirely aware that during working hours I am not actually working. His words were “as long as you do your work, I couldn’t give a rat’s arse when you do it”. Therefore I just do my work once my children are asleep. Works well for me and presumably my employers as I’ve been doing it for years and years, and my performance reviews are always glowing!

I feel for you OP though, the long days in the office sounds rough

At least your mum helps we have no one and some how manage 😂 it is a shock at first but as they get older they get sick less which helps!

I could never have done my job with the kids around, It requires focus, accuracy and precision and being distracted on work days with baby groups etc just wouldn't have worked.

The eldest week to nursery 3 days a week and did 2 with MIL, the youngest did 5 days a week at nursery - we're still recovering from the fees and he's 5.5 now but the payrises and promotions in that time have more than made up for it.

In our house what helps are - 5 min commute. a DH who pulls his weight (he WFH 3 days a week so would prep tea and do washloads on his lunchbreaks) taking turns with the overnight wakes. Ds1 was always a good sleeper so that also helped, ds2 woke hourly until he was 18 months old and that almost broke me but now they're 9 and 5 and it's much much easier.

I think what people are trying to get to the bottom of, is what is the father doing? If needs must, fine, but how many fathers do you know of who are simultaneously working and providing childcare to very young children? If he has a job where one simply can’t, that’s fine but then he needs to make up for the fact that op is at weekends.

I’ve been on mumsnet a long time, and so so often a problem is posed from an exhausted mother, and with a bit of digging, it turns out the actual problem is simply that they are parenting and house working equitably.

Hey,
I have taken everything on board thank you all for your input. I will spend the weekend working out a schedule in the house to make things easier all round.

just hard isn’t it , its new to me.

be glad when my little man is better so I don’t feel bad sending him to nursery x

*aren’t

Reduced to working 4 days a week to give me an extra day with the baby. Appreciate not everyone can afford that though, it was tough!

DP and I amended our working hours so one of us did the nursery drop off and 1 did the pick up. I worked 8-4 and he did 10-6. If we needed to work extra I would do at start of day (cos DP did drops)and he would do at end ( cos I picked up).

Tried to share all household tasks and baby duties with DP equally - I did a bit more cos I worked 1 less day.

Made sure DP and I had equal amounts of free time. On Sundays he’d spend the morning doing his hobby so I’d make sure I also had a few hours to myself each week- even just to go for coffee.

Cleaner once a fortnight

meal planning, supermarket delivery, batch cooking and cooking big meals so we could have leftovers next day.

Clear boundaries btwn home and work- no evening or weekend working unless absolutely necessary.

robust childcare - we used nursery because we had no family support and it was a good routine. DP and I took turns in taking time off work if baby was ill

My employer allows me to start early. This means my husband drops off in mornings and then I finish at 4 so that I can collect my children and we are home before 5 even on days we stop off to grab a couple bits for dinner. Kids get time to unwind after a long day before bed. My commute is 25 mins and my husband’s is 40 minutes.
I can wfh but don’t do it all that often. WFH with kids is very very stressful I do it occasionally when kids are sick because I don’t have infinity leave and they are now old enough to watch tv while they rest with their illness and I use my work breaks to focus on them.My job is way too easy for me but I don’t want a job that takes so much from me that there is nothing left for the kids.

Honestly every parent I work with says same thing the whole you can have it all is a complete lie. So many women I know with young kids wish we could work part time. I work in area that is all STEM graduates who all went to university with aim of a good career.

I got up in the morning and got them out to nursery and then school when older, did my almost one hour comute each way with a 7 hour work day in between and collected from nursery then school on the way home before dealing with dinners, baths. reading, cuddle time, bedtime, cleaning and my own bedtime. Their father was not around to help. It is not easy but it is doable and you have it handy with a husband and a mother on hand etc too. Also there was no work from home option till covid kicked in.

We both condensed our hours, DH works about 40 mins away, does 8.00-5.30 in the office 2 days and at home 2 days. I work 8.00-5.15 x 4 days, all in the office, I prefer working in the office (5mins drive and I have parking!) nursery is next to the office and I find it easier to separate work and home. DS is in nursery 7.30-6.
DS does toddler football Sunday morning, DH takes him and then goes to a cafe for a coffee after, this gives me chance to meal plan and do an online supermarket order, I also try to get dinner on (usually a bigger meal we can eat for a couple of days. Supermarket shop is delivered 8-9am Monday morning and DH puts away. We both do 2 loads of washing on days off and I do a load Sunday morning. Bottles (when we had them) went in the dishwasher then straight out into the Milton bucket. We have a cleaner that does 4 1/2 hours a week and a robot vac/mop.
I pop home at lunch, let dog out if DH is in the office and usually try to prep some dinner so when I get in with DS from nursery we can all eat together and then story/bath/bed routine. DH will sort walking dog/ washing up etc whilst I do bedtime or vice versa. Neither of us get much “me time” but it works, I think it will be harder when DS goes to school in a few years as we won’t be able to as long hours and will need holiday clubs (but that’s a future problem).
TLDR : have a plan, try to separate home and work and it shouldn’t all be on you, tell DH what you need from him / outsource if you can.