10 year age gap between children, thoughts please

[Tellmemore16]

Hi all,

unexpectedly found out I’m pregnant with my second child, first child I was 26 when they were born and will be 36 when second due. I feel fit and healthy enough but have real anxiety around the 10 year age gap and if they will bond/be close. Really worried it will be unfair on my current DS. I appreciate regardless of age gaps children may not get on or be close but wondering if anyone has any similar experience and can advise how the age gap felt? Slightly freaking out :(

we have 6 between 3-17 (inc step), none of them really get on with the sibling closest in age and tend to prefer the bigger the gaps.

It’s a different relationship, you can’t argue or be jealous of a siblings 10 years younger than you but you can still love them and enjoy spending time with them and it will obviously balance out when they become adults.

Hi! My sister is 10 years older than me (brother is 6 years older than me). Growing up it was lovely for me and it was so cool having a much older sister. Perhaps during her uni days and early 20s we weren’t so close because obvs she was off doing her own thing and I was just a kid. Now that we’re both adults it’s great. I loved helping to look after her DC when I was in my early 20s, and her DC love looking after my DC now! I can’t particularly remember any specific pros/cons as a child to having age gap siblings as it was just normal to us. My DH also has a sister 10 years younger than him (but two siblings in between that so not just a big gap without any other siblings IYSWIM) and he was probably closest to her growing up than he was the two closer to his age. Likewise I know lots of people with close age gaps who aren’t close as adults or who are. I don’t think it really makes much difference overall in adulthood. Do you have any specific concerns? I wonder what your DC will make of no longer being an only child? Probably delighted to have a baby around!

Please tell my older sibling (10 years difference) that she can’t be jealous of me as she has spent the last 45 years being just that. She has never forgiven me for being born.

There can be issues! DD1 has had your full attention for 10 years! No competition for time or anything else. It will be a huge adjustment and rose tinted glasses won’t help. Personality will be what matters. It does in all relationships. This won’t be any different. Just don’t make dd1 “mums little helper”.

I have 14 years between my two (currently 21 and 7) and they have the most lovely relationship 🩷

I had a 7 year gap tween old and youngest and it was way too big

I’ve seen families struggle when the eldest hits the teens with such a gap. I wouldn’t want to be trying to entertain a 14 and a 4 year old on holiday.
I’m sure there’s many situations it works just fine.

Many years ago, I knew a fam who had a surprise baby when their oldest daughter was seventeen. She was very proud of her baby brother and loved to take him out in his pram. The only problem was that a lot of people assumed he was her son. She never worried about that and would gently correct people if they voiced this. It was a lovely relationship.

Ours are from 1997, 2001 and 2013. It has worked out wonderfully.

I have a 10 year gap between DS1 and DS2 (they have different dads). I would not really say they are close. They are more like uncle and nephew than brothers. They have never overlapped in anything really. DS3 is 3 years younger than DS2 and it definitely feels like there are the younger two and the older one. DS1 has been fairly independent so we haven't had much entertaining them both at once - when DS1 was still more reliant on us for that kind of thing, DS2 was little enough we could just bring him along and let him toddle around in a corner exploring, he never really cared that there weren't activities for him.

I loved going back to the baby/toddler phase though, it felt wonderful to get to do it all again. It has been nice to have the perspective that they absolutely grow out of phases that they go through. It's also nice that DS1 was so grown up and felt like one of the grown ups when we had DS2/3. People said ooh you'll have a built in babysitter, but in reality we very rarely ask him to babysit because it feels like an imposition, and then because he hasn't looked after them much he doesn't feel very confident with it.

The main thing that was difficult was the phase where DS1 was about 11-14 and DS2 was about 1-4 and would be utterly exhausting all day and then I'd get him to bed and DS1 would want to talk things through late into the evening. It was OK but it was just really full on because I ended up with no time to decompress. Usually you're in one of those stages or the other, not both at once. And meetings at secondary schools tend to assume you have no young children, so that was a pain as well.

I don't mind that they aren't as close as DS2 and DS3 are. I never really expected them to be so it wasn't disappointing.

hi! I have a similar gap with my DB - we definitely were not close as children and he found me incredibly irritating haha

However, once I turned 18 we became close again - I think it helps in adulthood when you can drink and do more age suited activities together.

It’s quite nice now but growing up was challenging - you do become a bit of an only child and that’s the dynamic you get.

I’m very happy I have an older sibling though, and very glad I’m not an only child.

Personally I think go for it. When we were growing up he did wind me up a bit, but not like two siblings when they’re super close together. We didn’t really argue or fight which was a perk!

But because we were far apart in age, it actually helped with that as there wasn’t much jealousy and whilst I was doing kids activities, he was old enough to be home alone or have friends over.

Good luck, OP!

I have a happier story than some of these; my first DD was 10 when her little sister was born (I think it helped that her best friend had just had a baby brother and she wanted one too!)

They were very close from the start - DD1 really loved and helped look after DD2 (I've got a wonderful pic of DD1 anxiously chasing a toddling DD2 down a street in Portugal, as DD2 was an adventurous little soul and would dash off at any chance.)

They got much more distant as DD1 entered teenagehood, as she naturally had her own preoccupations, but now the elder is in her 40s and the younger in her 30s, they couldn't be closer. They go on theatre/shopping trips together and DD1 is a wonderful auntie to DD2's baby. We are all together every weekend or so.

I am so glad they have one another.

I have 26 months between my older 2 and then 6.5 and 8.5 years until we had the youngest. Both of the older ones get on better with the younger one. They never had any jealousy towards the baby because he never had anything they wanted. And they were at the right age to enjoy having a little one around. Now they are in their 20’s and he’s in his teens they both enjoy being with him.

OP is already pregnant so seems to be looking for reassurance rather than advice on whether to "go for it"!?

I have an 8 year gap between mine and it's been great so far, big brother loves being a big brother and little brother adores him. There are challenges with all sibling relationships, try not to worry about the specifics.

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the responses, positive and negative, it's appreciated and allowed me to consider both perspectives. I deffo don't have rose tinted glasses on hence why I'm so overwhelmed and anxious.

I was actively on contraception (the pill) which is why I'm so shocked. Period is always like clockwork and didn't show up yesterday so took a test but didn't really believe I actually would be pregnant. I'm very early on just 4 weeks.

I'm worried I've inadvertently thrown a grenade into my son's life and it's making me really down- I'm big and ugly enough to deal with the impact of a baby on me but worry about him. He's a loving and caring boy and I know he will be a good big brother but like others have mentioned he will perhaps get to a certain age where he's irritated or resentful of his sibling who he's at a totally different stage to.

He has a beautiful relationship with my niece who is only 3 years older than him, they are fiercely close and spend a lot of time together- he would chose her every time over his friends which is lovely but reminds me that he's not really missed out on having a sibling

Abortion isn't an option so I'm in the space where "it is what it is" and I'll need to ride the storm but I can't help but feel really down at the moment

Sorry I've written a short novel sometimes it's easier talking out loud to strangers than admit things to real life people. I'm always the strong level headed person who very rarely gets upset but I'm really struggling in this situation

Babies do get something older dc don’t get as much of - your time. It’s inevitable and most dc are bound to notice. The first born is no longer the centre of the universe. Yes, they might get to push a pram (easily pleased dc!) but life is more complex than this. They notice parenting changes. They notice baby is crying loudly - a lot. They notice they are told to be quiet when baby is asleep. Etc etc. Of course the life of older dc is changed forever and of course they have to accept it, but that doesn’t mean they truly like it!

This is exactly what’s upsetting me, I don’t want my son to feel this he’s my world. When I’ve generally asked in the past if he would like a brother or sister ( we did consider) it at one point he said he didn’t really mind either way, it’s not like he’s ever been over excited at the thought of one which is niggling at me and making me feel really guilty. I don’t even know what I’m looking for here as there is no Time Machine or magic wand :(

Hi @Tellmemore16I'm sorry this is so overwhelming, it's such a huge change. I was in the same situation as you last year - had a 10yo and 7yo and found out I was pregnant from failed contraception. It was the biggest shock (and came at the worst time work wise!) but has been the best thing to happen to us. The kids absolutely adore the baby and it's made my now 11yo softer where hormonally they're getting a bit grumpy! Never a grump in sight when they're around the baby!

It sounds like he's great with kids if he loves his cousin so keep talking about how much the baby will love him and they'll hopefully be inseparable. And I know it's probably more stressful than nice right now, but congratulations ❤️

Hi OP, I am nearly you. I had DS1 at 28 and DS2 at 38. They are 16 and 26 now and it's wonderful.
Like every age gap and every sibling relationship it has challenges and brilliant bits. I do feel like I've been raising kids For Ever!
They weren't particularly close growing up but equally it wasn't problematic as they were each doing very different things. DS2 did have a very different childhood to DS1 - lots more dragging him around to e.g 6th form and uni open days, and him crawling around in the mud when DS1 was playing rugby.
DS1 as a mid teen got to come to kids cinema. He could say he was just coming along for the pick and mix but if course he enjoyed it really. Likewise trips to the park when he might have been holed up in his bedroom.

They are pretty close now, though DS1 isn't around very much. They go to the gym together, do a lot around the home together (grocery shopping, cooking and clear up) and kick a football around.

Mostly it's just me and DS2 at home these days (I'm divorced), and I love when DS1 comes home.

DS1 did help with DS2 when he younger e.g. minding him so I could get some stuff done or go for a run, but I have always been mindful that they are brothers; I didn't want DS1 to feel he was taking a more parental role and be resentful of him and I didn't want DS2 to feel his brother was bossing him about. It's a balance. It's entirely appropriate for siblings to take care of each other in a family, but it shouldn't be expected by the parents.

I did travel for work a couple of years ago (24 an 14) and DS1 held the fort at home for a week. His parting comment was "phew it's hard to keep another human alive isn't it"! This was just him running the home and making sure DS2 was OK - he didn't have to work as well. I think it gave him an appreciation of the work involved in raising a family, running a home and earning a living.

@BringBackCatsEyescan I just say how lovely your post was to read! You sound like an amazing mum, who's raised lovely sons

Thank you so much, your comment made me well up. 💜

@Tellmemore16 Your DS is not getting to choose about a sibling though. Not now and not before. You and DH make/made this call.

My DD1 was not really interested in her baby sister and they tend to go their separate ways now as adults but align occasionally, DD2 will be bridesmaid for DD1 for example. Mine only have 2.8 years between them so I think it’s impossible to tell how they will gel with a big difference. Some will and some won’t.

Why would DS be excited? He’s 10 and probably happy with life as it is. He doesn’t know any different and is not an adult. We always seem to think siblings will be loving and protective but personalities and family dynamics can make this unlikely. You cannot force it either.

What I think you must do is make sure DS continues to live his life as he would like to live it. Don’t use the baby as an excuse not to do something you would previously have done with him. If he’s not interested in baby development or pushing a pram, who cares? Why should he be? If he would rather play football, let him. Just don’t make life baby centred and put him to one side.