To be upset that my parents still think child abuse is ok

[RealGoldCrab]

Hello, everyone. I just had something on my mind for a bit that I wanted to share. I am originally from a post Soviet country, but have lived in the UK for over 10 years now, married to a British person and have a wonderful 2 years old DD (just turned 2). We recently went to see my parents in my home country and the whole trip made me so upset that I still cannot recover from it. The whole time we were there I was constantly critised about my parenting. My DD either ate too much or was too picky, but never perfect, my parents complained she was still not potty trained (when we were kids we were all potty trained before 18 months apparently). They said she is wild and has too many tantrums. My DD is a very active and emotional child, but also tantrums are developmentally normal at this age. In my opinion she is no different from other kids of her age that I know. But my parents made me feel like I failed as a parent and its my fault she had tantrums. They said she was badly behaved. One time we were driving in the car for a long time (over 3 hours) and then we stopped to have a meal. In my opinion, its hard for toddlers to cope with long car journeys but my daughter did so well and did not cry at all. At the restaurant she wanted to run around, which I stopped her doing. Then we were at the table she kept dropping the menu and then started shouting. I admit it was bad and I did my best to stop her. Maybe the long car journey influenced it. My parents were very annoyed and my mum just took my daughter out of a restaurant and did not let her finish the meal because of 'bad behaviour'. Later when we got back to the car they said that I need to start creating boundaries. I asked in what way. They basically said I need to start physically punish her, so give her a smack, pull her ear, pull her hair or just something like that to make her feel uncomfortable / feel pain. They said without physical punishment, my DD will grow up a spoiled brat. Needless to say, during the whole visit they made comments about my daughter like 'she deserves a smack', 'if gran was alive, she would pull her hair and she would stop that behaviour'. My dad once told my daughter 'if our cat was alive, he would scratch your face and teach you a lesson'.
All of that triggered memories from my own childhood. My parents used to give me a smack, pull my hair, pull my ear, slap my face, a couple of times they used a belt on me. They used to hit my brother with a belt in front of me. This was all normal in the 90s in my country, so I forgave them long time ago as I know they did not know better and it was pretty common back then in my country. I know my parents were also abused a lot as kids by their own parents. But I thought after all those years they would feel bad about it and regret it and maybe rethink what they did. However, this trip showed me they did not just not feel regret but also still think its normal to hit kids and offer me to do the same to my own DD. I would never do any of this to my child, I am completely against any kind of physical punishment, it terrifies me they think its ok to offer to cause pain and discomfort to my 2 year old child. They basically said 'words don't work', but I believe that talking to kids and be patient and understanding would do much more and go further way than giving them a smack. So basically that is it, I don't know what to do now and I also don't feel comfortable to let my daughter be around them. But I also not be able to cut any contact as I know my parents had hard life raising us, we were quite poor, and I would just feel enormous guilt cutting any contact with them. They still say they love their granddaughter a lot and constantly ask us to video call them and chat, but I just can't talk normally to them now not thinking about all this. Im glad we are back in the UK and not around them.

Thank you everyone for the comments, kind words and advice! To answer some questions, I did talk to my parents about all this and told them my position that I am completely against any kind of physical punishment and will not do any of this to my daughter. They were not happy about it but I guess they got the message. We do still have video calls, but not too often. When I visit again, I would not be comfortable leaving her alone with them, which is quite sad. But probably for the best.

Which country is it? A lot of European countries have banned corporal punishment of children since the 90s, including former Soviet. Look up the local law - your parents may well be behind the times there too.

Yes but just because something is banned, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. They probably are behind the times if they haven't changed their views at all in a generation but there are also plenty of countries in the world where it is still widely accepted - apparently something like 50% of children in the world experience physical punishment on a regular basis.

It doesn't make it OK but it does make it easier to see why someone might think it is OK.

In addition, you need to protect your DD. Your parents can’t be allowed to get away with making awful comments about how horrible and spoiled your DD is. She will understand what they are saying very soon if not already. Nor should you EVER allow your mum or dad to unilaterally punish your child in any way, your mum took your DD out of the restaurant and denied her food for “bad behaviour” this should not have happened. So I agree seeing them less often is good but you need to give them the boundary of zero verbal reprimands or negative comments about DD and to never ever intervene to discipline her in any way.

They are abusive. And often it is only when we have children that we realise how much was not normal but was abusive beyond the obvious things like being smacked and starved.

Op I think your parents just don't know how to parent in a healthy way and they are telling you how to reduce a child's demands on their parents. A scared child is a controllable child, who turns into a controllable adult (who struggles to advocate for themself).

What's probably true though is that your parents were ashamed of the way they parented as I note that your mother removed her granddaughter from the restaurant rather than smack her, pull her ear etc. If your parents were proud of their abuse they wouldn't modify or hide it they would behave like it in public.

I imagine what happened on your visit was that your parents saw their daughter parenting better than they did and rather than say 'well done' they said, 'here's how you can be more like us'. It's really hard for you to be treated badly both as a child and criticised as an adult but your daughter is benefitting from having you as her mum.

Yes agree with this “as far as you know” statement.
I really resent how my parents parented me. There’s no point discussing it - they think they were wonderful. I just don’t see them very much and when I do it’s very much small talk, I can’t bring myself to try and have a deeper relationship with them. They see my children but don’t provide any regular childcare and I’ve always said no (in a vague sort of way) to the idea of sleepovers. It’s just not an argument worth having.

As to the OP’s situation, given you live in a different country it’s also probably not worth having a big heart to heart or falling out over. Make sure you don’t leave your DD in their sole care when you do see them. The only change I would make is actually saying “no I would never do that” firmly if they bring up the physical punishment idea in person again.

I was hit as a child and it was nothing to do with how I behaved and everything to do with my parents releasing their frustrations. There are a lot of annoying and badly behaved people around, should we just be able to slap them on the back of the legs? Our kids are not possessions they’re people and they should be given boundaries but not abused.

I am a nervous wreck and still scream if someone accidentally comes into the room or taps me unexpectedly on the shoulder. You wouldn’t know it because I keep control of my emotions unless I am startled but it really costs me a lot emotionally and in my nervous system.

I was strict with my children but addressed their behaviour not their personality. In other words I didn’t shame or insult them. I didn’t beat them or slap them. They knew the rules and are both very well adjusted and hard working people. Neither of them jump at loud noises or take it personally when someone is being a knob to them. Whenever we do tasks together it’s all very calm. No one shouts at each other unlike in my family and as a result no one falls out and it’s accomplished much more efficiently. My family have all fallen out and it’s largely down to piss poor parenting.

OP trust your instincts. They’re excellent and I would limit the amount of times you see your family. Give your children boundaries but be kind.

This was overseas.

Your poor little girl, at two she is still only a baby and her behaviour sounds quite typical for that age.

The grandparents are stuck in a time warp.

Be thankful you don't see them that often.