Husband isn’t happy about our toddler sleeping in our bed.

[KindOpalBear]

Our 4-year-old has never been a good sleeper, which is why I decided to co-sleep. It’s still not ideal—he has night terrors and often screams during the night, which is hard for me since I’m a light sleeper.

Even so, I feel bad for him, and I also like having him close. He’s a very sensitive boy, and being near me seems to comfort him.

My husband feels that co-sleeping will make him weak, that I’m suffocating him, and that it isn’t good for his development. He also keeps saying that our different views on where our son sleeps will break our marriage.

i would appreciate any opinion on this?

I feel like my husband is overreacting.

I agree with some of what you both say.
I am not anti co sleeping at all, I did it a lot with our youngest because at least we all got sleep then.
But by 4 it’s a good idea to start working on independent sleeping, especially if it’s affecting your sleep and your DH has had enough.

However I completely disagree that it will make your DS weak, it’s probably the opposite as he will feel more secure and safe which is better for development.

Can you provide a cot mattress on the floor or similar.

It is easy to say "do what is best" but you do have to unpick a bit why you do what you do, and who does it suit / or not suit (and why) and what is your longer term plan. Intimacy can be an issue. I was pretty regimented with DC1 and DC2 (always in their own beds, and they never really wanted to be in ours). DC3 was trained in the same way (but we were up and down all night settling her) but occasionally she got let in due to exhaustion of parents at 3am, and then exhausted us some more as she slapped, thrashed, snored, starfished and burrowed. DC4 mainly didn't sleep with us, but used to sometimes sneak in, lie still next to me, and I still maintain I never slept better than I did with him in my arms. I sometimes used to go to bed and read to him and we would fall asleep happy, only taking "my half" of the bed between us. I knew it was not ideal for my partner, but we (me and son) were very comfy with it. I'd try and get a discussion on why it will "break your marriage" going as this could be so many things, intimacy, jealousy, room in the bed. a decent night's sleep, etc...

I thought you were going to say he was two. A four year old isn't a toddler. Are you treating him as if he was younger than he is?

Umm OP I think maybe you are infantilising your son - calling him a toddler when he’s four and ‘wanting him close’ and sleeping with him because of you. Maybe your husband has a point but we don’t know the full story here. My guess is that if we asked your husband he would suggest the ‘making him weak’ part is because he thinks your husband wouldnt are babying your son?

Not really. Hes always been very sensitive and attached to me and when we've asked him to sleep in his own room on several occasions it always ended up with him crying and being miserable.

Your husband has a terrible way of putting it and likes like an arse but he is also correct, the child is 4 not a toddler

DD slept with us until she was 7. We tried everything to get her into her own bed but in the end we gave up and let her crack on knowing she'd grow out of it. If it ever got too much for one of us or we were particularly tired (usually me) then we'd slip into DDs bed. He'll grow out of the habit in time.

Don’t think this husband is going to hang around for 7 years.

different children have different needs.
frustratingly it always men who seem to complain when mom's co-sleep.
in the summer when the weather is warmer see if you can switch him to a floor mat or such if you think he's ready.

I don't agree with your husband’s point re making your son weak, it makes sense that he draws comfort from you and not unusual.

However, your husband is not on the same page as you with co-sleeping and has told you this is impacting your Relationship and so (assuming your marriage is important to you) I think you need to try and understand his point of view and consider your options and try and find either a compromise or other ways you can protect the intimacy in your marriage.

You say you like to have your son close to you which does sound like the co-sleeping is partly for you too and I think you just need to be mindful that the closeness you're seeking from your son, isn't at the expense of creating distance between you and your husband.

I've never allowed any of my DC in bed with me and DH. If occasionally one of them were ill or had a bad dream I would go and lie with them in their own bed. Once they fell asleep I'd slip back into my own bed. I think it's a bad habit to break unless both parents want it I wouldn't start it.

I got my youngest a small double bed that was very low to the floor. So that I could sleep with them if they had a bad night . It worked out a lot better. And they naturally got to a point that they didnt need me .

Hey, I have a six-year-old who still co-sleeps with me too but I’m a single parent — so I really understand how complex this can be. I do think it’s important to hear your husband’s perspective in terms of your marriage; he’s accepted this arrangement for four years, which is worth acknowledging.

I don’t agree that co-sleeping will make your son weak — if anything, I believe it can have the opposite effect. In my view (and I know not everyone agrees), children are ready to sleep independently when they’re ready, and forcing it can sometimes do more harm than good. I waited for all of mine to transition in their own time. I was pushed into controlled crying with my first by well-meaning professionals and family, and I’ve regretted it ever since.

What I would suggest is approaching this in a way that shows your husband you’re really hearing him. Staying non-defensive and acknowledging his feelings may help him feel less on the attack and more open to compromise. One possible step could be introducing a bed in your room or beside yours, even if your son doesn’t use it straight away. That way, your husband can see that you’re trying to move things forward while still respecting your child’s emotional needs.

You could also involve your son in choosing bedding and making it feel like a space he wants to sleep in. Once independent sleeping feels more established, that bed could then be moved into his own room.

It's astounding how against people are against co-sleeping in the UK. My mum is not British and she's appalled that I don't cosleep with my DS that much (mainly after 4am only). She coslept with me until I was 7. She and my dad slept with their parents until primary school age.

Small children need you. Some can sleep on their own, some not. A good father would understand.

👏

I would be very unhappy with a four year old in our bed every night, especially with no plan for them to move back into their own bed. I can see where your husband is coming from with that.

He's wrong that it'll make your son weak though.

I think you need to listen to your DH. He might not be expressing himself well but he’s very clearly telling you he’s on the point of leaving.

Like others have said, 4 isn’t a toddler. I co-slept for a while but by 15 months both DC were in their own rooms.

I think you need to start talking to your DS about sleeping in his own room in a positive way. Go shopping for some “big boy pyjamas” and new bedding. Ha a he got a light show and some nice music in there ot a Yoto player? Building some good sleep associations is going to help you here. Does he have a favourite cuddly toy too?

The book The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers should help you set up those sleep associations and get him being more independent.

As some PPs have suggested you can always put a mattress on his floor and sleep there for a while if he’s distressed.

How is he apart from the sleep? Does he go to Nursery or School and have they raised any concerns?

How does he do on this simple progress checker?

It’s tough isn’t it. We coslept with DC1 because he was a bad sleeper. Successfully transitioned in to his own room and bed at 2 but there are periods of time, even now at 5 where he comes in. Over time as he got bigger, more wiggly it became uncomfortable and disturbing, add DC2 in to the mix and it’s just not feasible. But that’s not due to thinking it’ll make him weaker in the long run, just logistics. So I don’t know how I would feel in your situation (night terrors) because as a mother I would want to make it better and comfort my child. However I can also appreciate that a child that large in between two adults is also disruptive to the adults.

Also forgot to add currently when he does come in, we walk him back to his room and sometimes we end up sleeping on his floor as he doesn’t want to be alone. So the comfort thing goes out the window anyway, but after a couple of days he settles back in his room and stops coming in to ours as it breaks the cycle… until next time.

Mine slept with us until 4 & 6, respectively. Both happy, healthy, well adjusted who go to sleep easily and sleep all night in their own rooms. Co-sleeping will not cause issues down the road. They grow out of it when they’re ready as long as you aren’t intentionally holding them back.

Your different views on parenting may well break your marriage, but not because you won’t do what your Dh says, but because you are potentially fundamentally incompatible. Dh and I were on the same page in terms of co-sleeping from the start. We both like sleep!

Is your dh volunteering to do all the night wakes and re-settling in his room while you catch up on sleep since I bet you’ve been doing it the past 4 years?

I decided to co-sleep

Instant red flag. This should have been a joint decision.

4 isn’t a toddler OP.

What is your DHs relationship like with your son. You say he’s very attached to you … do you let DH parent, do you leave your DS with him?

Is he at nursery/school? Do you work?

He's not a toddler. I co-slept with both of mine as babies but got them out of the bed when they were wriggling, kicking toddlers. Your husband isn't expressing himself nicely but he has a say in this too. I would expect his help in getting your son to sleep independently though. I have heard of the gradually method of a mattress by the bed then further away etc.

Interesting. I put a post on here once asking whether it was normal that my DP still co-sleeps with his 6 and 8 year old kids and was called evil, jealous, bitch etc. It was so bad I reported the thread in the end. Surprised that there are many on this thread against co-sleeping with a 4 year old given the responses I got.