Feel so awful about what I said to ds 6 (ASD)

[feelingnasty]

Ds has struggled with his temper for years. He has ASD, a demand avoidant profile and possible ADHD (waiting for assessment)

Every day is a battle and I stay calm and it’s hard. Today I snapped. He had screamed all day. I’d tried everything to calm and distract him and it just didn’t work. I snapped and nastily said ‘stop NOW or I will pack my bag and leave and I won’t come back because you are making me very sad with this behaviour’

He immediately stopped and started crying and now is so clingy and I feel awful. I feel like he was secure knowing I’m always here and now I’ve made him aware that that’s not a given. I would never leave him but he doesn’t know that and I shouldn’t have said it .

Have I caused a lasting issue or will things be ok. I feel terrible.

I’ve been there Op. there’s only so much we can hold in before we snap. Be kind to yourself.

Thankyou. I just feel so awful. He looked so shocked. I feel so bad as I didn’t want to destabilise his safe place / safe people and now I have after years of remaining calm

He stopped though didn’t he? Sounds like he needed to hear it tbh, demand avoidance or not. Shows he has some control over his behaviour. You’re human too

I totally get why you feel bad.....the fact you feel bad means that you are a good parent. A one of snap like this won't traumatise him. A pattern of threats like this would. You've haven't ruined his life, maybe just his afternoon.

Yes he stopped immediately he looked so shocked. He just started sobbing and has been so clingy. I’ve told him I’m sorry for raising my voice and I’m sorry he feels sad but that I felt very sad because his screaming was so loud all day. I’ve told him I won’t ever leave but that sometimes even adults get fed up of a loud noise and it made me feel like I wanted to go. I’m hoping he understands. I just feel awful .

It’s literally the first time in his life but I still feel awful. It’s just been a day of non stop conflict and screaming and he was so high pitched at one point I just couldn’t take it

Stop apologising. Seeing your parent crumple and say sorry is distressing for children, you need to be strong and calm and simply move on from it. In 7 years I’ve apologised to my child only for (eg) accidentally falling over them, or knocking their pencils over etc

If I’ve snapped at them it’s because they’ve pushed me to it and they need to see I’m human. Look at mother lions batting their annoying cubs. Totally normal and healthy for kids to see their actions impact others and it’s not all about them.

Yes but he has to learn, eventually, that his behavior has a cost. If he doesn’t want to pay the cost he needs to improve his behavior. Screaming all day is just not ok. It can’t go on.he has to begin bringing it under control. This may be an important skill that he has just learned he has.

@feelingnasty we all snap now and again. Try not to beat yourself up. I always remind myself that in the wild many animals eat or abandoned their young. Humans nurture them for 18+ years in many cases. If every now and then we lose our rag and have a little snap it's not really surprising. Give him a hug and tell yourself tomorrow will be a better day

So he can stop then. I get that many kids are really difficult through no fault of their own, but all of us need to control ourselves to the best of our abilities sometimes. You have feelings and emotions and thats important for your child to witness. 6 is a fine age for that.

Your feelings are very valid. I say that as a SEN parent who can really relate. Sometimes we get things wrong and sometimes things need saying. Either way, reflection can help us (and them) learn from it. I would apologise - keeping it simple and just say I was sorry for saying what I said and that I was feeling very overwhelmed by all of the noise and that your head was noisy. Say you didn't mean it and would never pack a bag and leave and you love him so much. Tell him sometimes you need his help when your head is noisy. Perhaps he'll relate a bit.

He’s obviously capable of reining it in then - you say he stopped. I would argue you are being too soft on him & he needs you to be a bit firmer. However threatening to leave isn’t ideal. He needs to understand you can’t put up with all his drama & demands.

Ummmm. No, it’s not distressing for children in secure environments to hear their parent apologise when they get something wrong. And who’s “crumpling”? You can apologise calmly and without drama.

He’s not secure though, he’s screaming an dysregulated all the time. And she didn’t ’get it wrong’, she was pushed to her limit and snapped as humans do. Teaching children that everyone around them are just support humans with no feelings or needs of their own is going to create a nightmare generation of adults in 20 years.

Good for him to see you are only human and his horrible behaviour has consequences. Dont be one of those fawning apologetic parents who berate themselves to the child whenever they do the slightest bit of reasonable discipline. I find it hard to watch.

We’ve all said things to our kids we regret OP. You’re not alone. Just try to explain before bedtime that you’re sorry you said that and it came from anger- you didn’t mean it. I reckon you’ll feel bad about this for longer than he does ❤️

I have a PDA ASD child and sometimes I’m at the end of my tether there is nothing left in me and I’ve turned to them and said what more do you want from me? There is nothing left for me to solve, no more alternatives I cna offfer. I’ve also pointed out that some of their reactions is due to the PDA - and said look your body is feeling dysregulated just trust me on this - sometimes I cry I don’t snap but I’m like I’m done I’m exhausted I can’t do it anymore today can we just go to sleep as it’s generally the demand of sleep that Makes them get dysregulated. I feel for you OP so much,

My youngest DC has ASD. We didn’t know until he was a lot older. He used to tantrum and scream a lot. I must admit for the screaming when he was little it didn’t accept it. I would always put my hand over his mouth when he screamed. To dampen the sound and also indicate disapproval. After some time the screaming stopped. It’s anti social and unacceptable- he is/was verbal and very verbally expressive.
I wanted to share so you understand that no parent is perfect. We are all (the vast majority of us) trying our best.
I agree with other posters that you should stop apologizing. You really did nothing wrong. We all have our limits and our children (ASD or not) need to understand that - to the extent of their understanding. Otherwise where would it end? It’s ok for them to swear at their parents/punch/slap them?
Be kinder to yourself.

I agree with this.

And the comment about mama cubs above.

It sounds like you need to be a little bit less permissive and see how it goes. If he never sees mum get cross there’s no clear boundary for him.

It’s a fine line though. There are mums that get cross about everything and the kids become immune to it. I think if you save it for when it’s really needed, it’s much more affective as it’s a shock.

What you said wasn’t good, but I wouldn’t apologise any more than you have already.

Totally this. I wouldnt have apologised in the same way as OP but its done now and time to move on, shes done nothing wrong, either originally or in the aftermath.

He does need to learn that aspects of his behaviour which he can control and minmise, need to be minimised.

Terrible advice for a potential ND child. Repairing after saying something like op said is vital.

Not least because it models to him how to apologise for saying something you shouldn't have said. She threatened abandonment because he's having a hard time. All that will teach him to do is shut down.

I note the op did apologise so that's good. He stopped the behaviour because he was scared that he was going to be abandoned, not because he suddenly developed the ability in that split second to be able to regulate himself and empathise with an adult, and understand why she said it. He might be years away from being able to do that, if ever.

When you're getting to that point you need to find a way to step away and regulate yourself. If there's another adult present, hand off to them and go away from the child to regulate yourself. You can explain to him that you need to step out because you're getting frustrated and you need a few minutes but you're safe here with x.

These things do happen, things get said and i know better than most how hard those moments are i have audhd pda twins. Failing to apologise for threatening to leave your child because of something he is too immature to do will make things worse. It'll damage his trust in you but plenty of posters on Mumsnet won't understand and they'll tell you you don't need to apologise with absolutely no comprehension of what it takes to parent a child like this. It won't suddenly make him developmentally capable of changing his behaviour. This is your sign that something needs to change though - you need to try and create more opportunities for self care and regulation for yourself. That whole thing about not pouring from an empty cup.

If modelling worked he wouldn’t be screaming all day. It isn’t realistic that somebody can live with behaviour like that and not react.

Agree completely. Nobody is saying what you did was GOOD, just that it was natural, and that teaching children that everyone around them are emotionless droids there to be abused without consequence is madness. I feel very passionately that parents have been dehumanised over the last 10-15 years and the results when these kids are adults will be horrific.

I agree. Sounds a valuable lesson for him in that he cannot behave however he wants and expect other people to to put up with it - natural consequences. Not ideal but something that happens sometimes.