What does your neurotypical 9yo do at the weekend?

[VoltaireMittyDream]

I'm in one of my phases where I'm trying to work out whether I am justified in feeling so completely burnt out, as my 9yo with SEN needs my constant undivided attention and can't do much for himself.

Can't tolerate being looked after by anyone but me or DH. We take it in turns to give one another time out but it is fucking relentless.

The weekend comes and I just want to cry.

If your DC is 9, and neurotypical, what do they do at the weekend? Can they play independently? Can they dress themselves? Toilet independently? Get themselves a drink of water or a snack when they need one? Can they tolerate bring dropped off at playdates or activities, or do they need you there all the time?

I just need a reality check - this has been my life for so long that I have no idea what it's like for NT kids the same age as mine.

Sometimes I see other mums with bags of energy even with 2 or 3 kids and full-time jobs, and I feel like an absolute loser for being able to work so little, and finding life so tough.

But then they'll casually mention something about their kids doing chores (!) or homework (!!) or being in after school care / holiday club or taking tapdancing lessons or something - and I remember they are in a parallel parenting universe where kids don't remain at toddler levels of functioning for years and years.

Nobody sounds at all smug or twatty by the way - and it doesn’t upset me to hear what NT kids can do at this age, it’s really helpful! Thank you everyone for being so lovely.

Are there special schools where you are @VoltaireMittyDream? Given the extent of your son's needs and his clear distress in the current school setting, it might be something that would benefit him greatly. I can quite see why home schooling is not an option but the current situation doesn't sound sustainable either. 🙁

Whilst my autistic son has far less challenges than yours, one thing that I do know is that the greater the stress he's under, the less "other stuff" he can do or cope with. If someway could be found of decreasing the school stress levels for your ds, then you may find he has the bandwidth available to make progress in other areas.

Most people here don’t believe he is autistic, as he doesn’t have the typical social communication difficulties or demonstrate restricted and repetitive behaviours, and doesn’t have meltdowns at school. He was assessed by an educational psychologist here who concluded he qualified for no extra support in school because he had no behavioural issues or learning difficulties.

This is the problem a lot of the time with high masking ND conditions in the absence of intellectual disability.

He had an absolutely wonderful school before wemoved here, that suited him perfectly. If I weren’t caregiving for my elderly mother we would move back to the UK, but I’m in a bit of a sandwich generation nightmare right now!

I have twin girls with autism who are now 12 (no learning needs) and what has worked well for us in terms of activities is really structured things like cubs/scouts /cadets also going against the popular idea that Nd kids are better at smaller schools mine have thrived at bigger places as the range of kids and support available and options for SEND kids are better... So dd who hated the playground and was anxious going in to school goes to. Send common room at lunch time eats in peace and plays D and D...with other kids where as before she would be in a quiet bit of school with one friend or by herself. Just food for thought.

I appreciate you were looking for NT benchmark info, however for context:

Our son is also 9, and has global delay (cognitive age 3). He has limited vocabulary and can present challenging behaviours.

He can play independently, provided we’re on the same floor of wherever we are. If he’s playing in his room, we have to be upstairs etc. This took us most of the last year to get out of his bedroom, or out of the lounge when he’s in there. Honestly, we just had to leave, use timers for when we’d return, and deal with the meltdowns until he gradually got used to it.

We stopped cosleeping when he was 6 - one of us used to get in his bed for night wake ups etc. We had to do that the same way, gradually and with great shouty difficulty until eventually, his expectations changed and he would accept being settled and left.

He can pull trousers up, and put on a tshirt. He can’t do socks or shoes, he can put a coat on but not fasten it. He’s not toilet trained whatsoever.

He can get a drink from a tap, but just throws the cup wherever when he’s done. He can’t open packets or prepare any food.

He absolutely cannot tolerate being anywhere without one of his adults. If we took him to a play date, we would have to stay. He can run off and play independently, but comes back to check in and make sure we’re still where he left us.

Being on constant duty is absolutely exhausting, and I’m sure you’re doing a great job. I’m glad you’re using the info from others for comparison rather than to beat yourself up, because our kids aren’t like most NT kids and it’s important we recognise that when things are tiring and tough.