Alcohol as a treat for 11yr old

[mummyflood]

Hi everyone.

I have been shopping with a friend today (supermarket) and she has frankly shocked me with something she bought, would be very interested in your opinions on this.

She has 2 DC's daughter 14 and son 11. Down the booze aisle, she suddenly said 'right, a treat for x', and picked up a 4-pack of cheap lager. X is 11yr old son. She then picked up a 2 litre bottle of cider and said 'I will share this with y', y being 14yr old daughter. I said 'are you serious, x is only 11', thinking she was winding me up, which she said in all seriousness, 'yes, I know, but he only has one once a month and it lasts ages...all night'.

How many of you think its no biggie to give an 11yr old lager as a treat, as its only about once a month, does this come into the area of introducing alcohol in the safety of your own home at this age, would it make a difference if it was made into a shandy, is it me being totally OTT or out of touch with my own kids (14 and 12) - ??!!??

TIA
xxMFxx

[VictorianSqualor]

I think Enid is right.

A child asking to try some alcohol is totally different to offering it.

At age two they have no idea what it is or what it does, I wouldn't allow my children to taste alcohol until they understood it.
DD, at seven, knew what it did to you, how it can have adverse reactions, how people can become addicted etc, she then, new years eve, when Dp and I got the champers out, asked it she could have some. I gave her a small glass.

That's very different to giving it to a two year old IMO, or encouraging a child to try it.

[milkymill]

Well, in any sort of real quantity I'm sure it is. But I think the point isn't that we are encouraging our children to drink alcohol, we are sending out a message that alcohol consumption can be a normal part of life and not something that is 'naughty'.

[Morloth]

Milkymill I can see exactly what you mean.

Enid I think smoking is a bit different - even in very small amounts it is a bad idea to put smoke into your lungs.

DH has been known to have a cigar maybe once or twice a year at a dinner party (gosh we sound like toffs don't we!). As such things happen late at night DS has not been awake so the question has not come up. DH is an adult and it is his perogative to damage his lungs if he chooses.

I guess what I am trying to say is that whilst I don't think alcohol in small quantities is in anyway dangerous, I don't believe that smoke (even in very small quantities) IS.

The extreme thing again.

[Enid]

and actually I dont think its the rebellious stage that is the problem

we've all got shedded then

its their adult stage when most of these childhood memories are 'acted out'

so your children can justify drinking a bottle a night because mum did and she let us drink so it cant be that bad

[Morloth]

I think we might actually be agreeing on a lot Enid.

We certainly don't drink a bottle a night, at most I would say we share a bottle of wine a week, sometimes none at all, it isn't a big deal.

[DirtySexyMummy]

I smoke, but not in front of DS and will do my damnedest to make sure he does not smoke. But smoking is very different to drinking alcohol.

Agree with VS last post though - My DS is 3.5 and has never had alcohol, and I would still say no if he asked. Much like I drink Coke (every day its my caffeine hit), and he has never tried it, knows not to touch it and would be refused a sip if he asked.

But, when he is older? Yes, I will give him alcohol if requested. In tiny quantities, until he is probably around 15/16.

[FrannyandZooey]

My family did the 'continental' thing
we always had wine with a meal from when I was quite young
I had alcohol problems for about 15 years and can't drink at all now
letting your children discover alcohol from a young age does not protect them from drinking problems - IMO and IME it can cause them

[NotABanana]

I just don't see why children as young as 10 need to start on alcohol.

Where is it proven that by doing that you stop them becoming binge drinkers when they are older?

[Enid]

franny

but I agree

[DirtySexyMummy]

Okay.

Well, I think this thread has raised a very good point.

Do what you choose with your children. Give them alcohol, or don't Some will have problems with alcohol when they are older, some won't. It does not seem to make a blind bit of difference, based on this thread certainly.

[FrannyandZooey]

it's fine Enid I am so happy now I don't drink! wish I had got it sorted out earlier though, what a mess

[Enid]

I am much happier and more energetic when not drinking tbh

[FrannyandZooey]

DSM I think it makes a huge difference
I think your own attitude to alcohol and your drinking habits are the most important thing in predicting your child's future relationship with alcohol
if they see you using alcohol as a crutch, if they see you binge drinking, if they see you drinking most nights (even in moderation), if they see you using alcohol to cope with pain or stress, if they see you unable to have fun at a party without drinking - these are all going to give strong messages to your children and affect their attitudes for the rest of their life

[BibiThree]

DD (3.8) often asks me "what's your drink Mammy?". The first time it went like this
me: "wine sweetheart"
dd: "can I share wine?"
me: "no but you can try a tiny bit"
dd: sticks finger in ... "bleurgh! that's yukky!"

Now it goes like this
dd: "what's your drink Mammy?"
me: "wine sweetheart"
dd: "bluergh!"

However, if she'd liked it that might not have worked as well. We do tell her they (wine/beer etc) are grown up drinks and she's not to drink them and the only interest she shows is in what we've actually got, not if she can have some.

We don't drink a lot at home and when she's older (like, double figures) I might let her have a tiny bit of diluted wine with a meal but will certainly not be buying her alcohol as a treat! A friend of mine has a 14yo daughter and regularly lets her and her friends drink in her home at sleepovers, and buys it for them, allows them to smoke in her garden I might be an old stick in the mud but that seems a bit too liberal to me.

[Morloth]

FrannyandZooey, isn't that pretty much what the people who don't see a problem giving kids a tiny bit are saying?

The opposite of your last post is that if they see you sometimes having a glass of wine with dinner or a beer with a bbq or a margerita at a party then THAT is what they will learn about alcohol, that it is a sometimes thing to be enjoyed in moderation?

(hehe, sorry guys, slow day at the office!)

[Cappuccino]

this is just living proof that there's no Right Way

you can have wine with a meal like QS and turn out uninterested in it; you can have wine with a meal like Franny and develop a problem with alcohol

or you can have nothing at all at home and end up in a gutter/ perfectly fine

I think the idea voiced by some posters that wine with a meal is somehow 'better' than lager is a bit of class thing and a bit of red herring therefore

we can drink a beer with a meal if it is hot and spicy, for example with enchiladas

my main concern with the OP is that the beer is just for the kids rather than something they share, it's not sharing their mum and dad's wine or beer, it's THEIRS alone, which to me is like buying chocolate for teh kids when you don't have it as part of your diet, or chicken nuggets when you'd rather have an organic roast chicken - it's giving your kids what you think they want, rather than treating them like a real member of the family and giving them what is best for them, and that's not really parenting imo

[francagoestohollywood]

what Capp said.

[VictorianSqualor]

I agree with franny's last post.

I used to be involved with someone whose whole family would get taxi's to events, even as much as a BBQ round the corner, and would always stop at the shop on the way to pick up some booze, not necessarily what they liked either, what was cheapest.

They just found it impossible to have any kind of gathering without alcohol.

DP's family are totally different, yes if at home we will have a few beers with a BBQ at home, because it's nice, but if somewhere else there isn't that rush round to the offy to get some booze, no-one cares if they are driving because it's only alcohol and when alcohol is bought it's not the cheapest offer, or the strongest, it's the one that is enjoyed.

I'm sure it's obvious which family has the people with alcohol problems.

[DirtySexyMummy]

Franny - My point is that that may be your experience, but its was the opposite for me.

My parents were big socialites, still are, and almost all events involved alcohol. My dad, although not in any sense of the word an alcoholic, had a drink and a cigar or two pretty much every night.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like a drink. I am also very sociable and go out a decent amount. But I have no problem with alcohol. When my friends and I were younger, I would always be tho one who wasn't as interested as the rest in getting wasted. I was one of a few who never got paralytic.

I think the individuals attitude to alcohol can be influenced by their parents, but not necessarily.

[Morloth]

Cappuccino "rather than treating them like a real member of the family and giving them what is best for them, and that's not really parenting imo"

[FrannyandZooey]

DSM with respect I have seen your posts about your drinking on other threads and I can't let the statement "I have no problem with alcohol" go when you are now advising other people about how to give their children a healthy attitude to drink. What you drink is of course your own business but someone who regularly drinks an amount that is certainly going to be harming their health cannot be said to have "no problem with alcohol" IMO.

[FrannyandZooey]

oh no I just did that "with respect" thing!
I knew I was saying something that would probably piss you off
it isn't my intention to do so, I have no gripe with you
but really felt strongly about you saying you have no problem, and telling people that seeing their parents drinking all the time won't affect them
I think you are mistaken

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I am Italian - it is a total myth that we "encourage" Alcohol drinking in children. As part of a meal from age 10 I had sips of watered down wine and thus for me it lost all it's wow factor and I started to enjoy and appreciate the taste with my food.
I honestly can't think why anyone would give a toddler wine, what on earth is the benefit for them? They are at an age when everything should have nutritional value. I think perhaps the parents may feel it looks sophisticated to do so....

[DirtySexyMummy]

Franny - I do not have a problem with alcohol. On the other thread you refer to, after I described my 'lifestyle', job and the amounts I drink, most of the others on that thread said they agreed I had no problem with alcohol.

As you have said, you had alcohol problems for 15 years and now can't drink, so your opinions on hearing other peoples ways might be slightly warped, or at least influenced by your own experience.

However, I do not, and have never, had an alcohol problem.

Thanks for the concern though