Really upset over playground incident.

[August24Mama]

Sorry for the long post. I brought my 14mo to the playground today, this is the first time she's been as a walking toddler and she was loving her life. There was this kid, if I had to guess, around 3 years old. My baby loves socialising so she was socialising with other kids there. This particular kid eyed her up, walked straight over to her and pushed her over. I was pissed but she didn't cry and the parent "corrected" the kid, so I held my tongue and chalked it up to kids being dumb.

But same kid about 10 minutes later, came up to my girl again and tried to grab her head and stick his thumbs in her eyes!! My babys dad was right next to her and grabbed the kids hand and stopped him, and the parent came over and got her kid. How would a kid even think to do that?? Is this just normal behavior?? It didn't seem like the parent tried to do much correcting at all, just a simple "don't do that." If that was my baby I'd remove her from the park and say no more playtime if you're going to be mean to other kids.

I'm a FTM with not much experience with kids, but seeing my baby be treated like that broke my heart, she looked so confused. She was fine after 10 seconds and went back to playing not a problem, but I'm really upset over this.

Is it okay etiquette to tell other kids in the playground to go away? Or to grab their hands if they're trying to harm my child? What's the proper way to deal with this? All of the other kids were lovely, but this one kid just seemed very very mean. He just singled my baby out, he didn't touch any of the other kids.

Feeling really sad that my baby will inevitably encounter bad people in her life, but I didn't expect it to happen at 14mos. How do I teach her to deal with this in the future?

Would you say not having much other socialisation with other kids at this age would be harmful? It's been worrying me and what led to me letting her interact with the other kids. Again I was standing next to her the whole time, I was talking with another mum and we were just amongst all the kids haha

She's a very social girl and I have social anxiety and I worry about her picking that up from me, I just want to encourage her socialness but not sure how with no other kids in the family:(

You're still doing it. "Actively inflict harm" - the other kid was a toddler too, not some psycho who boiled their granny's cat. Kids are rough, intentionally or otherwise, and by the time your kid can hold her own you may have to be just as close but even more anxious as it may be her doing the harming!

I can't say I ever remember seeing a toddler try to gouge another toddlers eyes out with their thumbs though😂

The push I could brush off as just being a toddler, but trying to grab my babys head and shove both thumbs in her eyes was just a bit jarring to see

Not really no. Obviously they should get out and do things but if you read about the 6 stages of play (I’d recommend looking it up- fascinating stuff!) it’s all solitary play until they start they beginnings of playing together at age 2, interaction during play isn’t until age 3 and cooperative play, what you’d think of as actually playing together, doesn’t typically happen before 4. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to the playground- keep going, it’s good for kids especially their gross motor skills, but at only 14 months I wouldn’t be concerned about her socialising.

My friend's daughter did this to my little one when she was maybe 2.5 and mine was 1.
I think the eyes were just appealing to her, she saw my little girl as a baby and I think perhaps that's what she did with her dolls!
She is a perfectly lovely 9 year old girl now, so I think it was a one off!
They're all just little children. Just keep an eye out.

This is why I had a longer gap…

Thanks so much, that's made me feel better about it. Yeah she was loving climbing along the stuff in the playground, I was behind her like a hawk freaking out incase she fell, but it's fascinating how fast she's learned her feet in the 4 weeks she's been walking, kids are amazing.

Will definitely read up on the 6 stages of play, thank you so much for the info and for easing my mind about it! I'd feel like the worst parent ever if my social anxiety rubbed off on her so I've been fairly stressed about it.

Oh and both my kids had a phase of being weirdly fascinated by eyes. My DD scratched my cornea and I ended up in urgent care and on drops for a week when she was not quite 2 (hence why I think the kid you encountered was likely to be younger than 3). But I promise she’s now a (mostly) delightful 8YO with no psychotic tendencies.

Yeah you're right, I don't blame the kid I was more annoyed at the parent for the lack of correction. I shouldn't of been as ignorant to the fact that of course kids don't realise the consequences of their actions at that age!

Ooh scratched cornea, that sounds rough! I hope the healing wasn't too rough for you. You're right I shouldn't be as judgemental, I'm not too experienced with kids besides my own child, everyone's perspectives here has given me a lot more insight to toddlers!

The kid definitely could've been younger, I just guessed the age to be fair. Definitely at least 2 but that checks out with what you said about how 2yos can act. My baby is just transitioning into a toddler and I'm already scared of the crazy toddler stage, she's been so sweet so far😂

The trouble with toddlers is that they are really curious about everything, and have no concept about other people (or animals) suffering pain.

Exactly this.

This is the other side of "it takes a village," the side that some people will not like seeing played out and as long as it's not heavy handed there's nothing wrong with removing the other DC away from yours if the parent/cares won't take notice.

No child should get away with poking anyone in the eyes and not be corrected about why it's not nice to do so.

This it is really hard when it is your first and they are younger but that type of behaviour is whilst not good or appropriate within the range of normal for that age range.

we act like we do as adults because of societal norms/expectations and morals but quite a lot of that is learned behaviour. And some need more time to learn what is acceptable and what isnt

No one tried to gauge your child's eyes out. Stop being so dramatic. Children are going to get hurt, how you react to that will shape their personality and resilience.

And some do stay that way I remember being quite judgmental with DD who even at 16 remains an absolute delight and has never once been in trouble at school. Then the world gave me DS who has always been tall for his age (5ft11 now at 13) and went through some interesting pushing phases - never smaller children though he always went for those older than him

Yes, she's too young to play at the park without you being right beside her. I think if anything like this happens again then just remove your child. It's probably best to try not to touch the other child - some parents might take that quite badly.

I was right beside her, but ignorantly didn't foresee the pushing incident happen. Her dad was right beside her for the second incident and stopped the kid from what he was trying to do. I feel bad having to remove her from the situation when it's not her fault, but I understand what you're saying. We can just bring her to another part of the park, the park is thankfully big.

Yeah I agree, I feel awkward touching other peoples kids. To protect my child I would but if I could avoid a situation happening where I'd have to then I would.

To be fair if my child went to stick a finger in another kids eye, I wouldn't mind the parent gently stopping her at all. That behavior is absolutely not ok.

OP, I am saying this as gently as I can but at some point your DD will also be “bad people” to someone at some point in her life. The only way you can teach her to deal with this is to model it- apologise when you fuck up, try not to ever treat people poorly and do as you have done in this situation and stick up for her/yourself.

Definitely not “acceptable” behaviour from the toddler but at 3 they can all be buggers at some point. Sounds like their parent did address it, so hopefully it’s not too regular a thing. Agree with a pp that I’d give one warning for behaviour like that and then remove them. I hope your DD is ok and will be happy to go back to the playground soon!

You're definitely right, well said. I'd be lying if I said I was always aware of my actions on others, I mean who was? We learn from this as we grow and learn, as you mentioned. Yeah I was talking about it with my partner and we said we'd do the same, if our baby did something like that we'd give one warning and explain why not to do that, then if she did it again then no more playtime.

My baby was thankfully fine and forgot about both incidents within probably 20 seconds and went back to exploring haha, I wish I could get over things as quickly 😂

OP, you’ve mentioned several times that you are annoyed at the other parent’s lack of correction. But you said in your OP that she did correct him, so I’m gathering just not as dramatically (for lack of a better word) as you’d have liked.

If this other toddler is anything like either of mine (and it sounds like he might be quite a lot like one of mine), then the other parent may simply be wise to the fact that making a fuss will likely encourage the behaviour.

Early in my parenting career I fell foul to the urge to make a big performance of my discipline in public for fear that other people would judge me for being too lax. What happened, as I always knew it would, is that it encouraged the behaviour tenfold. I now do what I know works best, no matter what random strangers might think. Perhaps this woman is the same. Though I do agree I’d have taken my son home at the second incident of misbehaviour - though mostly because I’d be mortified rather than as punishment, as years of bitter experience has taught me that my particular child does not respond/learn from that.

Kindly, no one tried to gouge your baby’s eyes out. A toddler has no concept of that. Toddlers do weird things for weird reasons. I once had months of my eldest doing this bizarre routine type thing of random actions that ended in him doing something non-violent but a bit odd and embarrassing. It was very confusing. When his speech came on, I noticed he was reciting the words of a page of a book he likes whilst doing the routine thing. I had a look at the page in question, and sure enough his actions corresponded to the pictures.

Recently (he’s 3) he started doing this thing where he essentially seems to attempt a WWE style take down of other children. Extremely mortifying. A little questioning eventually revealed that an episode of the twirlywoos was to blame - I’m fairly sure they don’t include WWE tutorials, it’s just the way his brain interpreted the episode.

I will also say that the best time we ever had in the park with my toddler was when another little boy pushed him over. I have no idea if he was being aggressive or just a weird toddler, but my son thought this was hysterical so they spent ages running round doing rough and tumble sort of okay. I desperately wish I’d have got his mum’s number because I feel like our sons might have been kindred spirits!

I do understand how you feel and the sadness at the idea of anything negative ever happening to your children. It’s so hard to accept.

IMO, ages 2 and 3 are the perfect ages to teach your child boundaries and respect.

My kids have SEND but they've never hit or bit anyone. I always talked to my kids and praised acts of kindness to encourage good behaviour.

I had a Mum in the school playground explain why her boy kept walking up to my boy and walking him for no reason. She said "he's only 3".My child was too but I watched him and taught him how to be kind.

The same boy tried to hurt my boy again by blocking the door of the playhouse. My boy gave the door a hard shove just as the boy stepped back so the door belted the kid on the face hard and the kid ran crying to his Mum and never touched my boy again. It was an accident but did the trick!

That boy was still picking on other kids in year 6, aged 11.

Kids need gentle guidance at age 3 and to be shown disapproval at poor behaviour. If you know your kid is like that, you watch them like a hawk and intervene when necessary.

OP, YANBU.

Put your hand or arm out as a barrier or pick your child up. I've found a 'Paddington Bear' hard stare can work well or a firm "No! [my child's name] doesn't like it when you do that. If they persist, get a bit more cross with the offending child.

Kids need to be exposed to children outside of their family to learn socialisation skills, it's very different to being with siblings/cousins. And I know most people on MN will say 14 months don't need socialisation or to be around other kids but I do think it's important. While they don't play with them, they'll start to pick up on social behaviour and be comfortable around other children.

However I don't think the park is the best place for this. I'd focus on the toddler groups etc or play dates with friends.

Agree with @Radiatelikethis , toddler groups, baby story time at the local library, any local activities aimed at parent and toddler is the way to go.

Thats awful. I’d expect all sorts of kids in a playground but why are dogs in a kids playground? Hope your son was okay
and you reported it.

Saying that a child has SEN is not a free pass for that child to attack and hurt other children in the playground.

A parent with a child with SEN which manifest through aggression towards other children needs to be extra vigilant. Most parents of the few children that have that kind of SEN are.

This parent had already seen that their child was being aggressive towards the baby. They should have made it clear to the child that a repetition would mean time out or leaving the playground. They should have followed up the second attack with an apology to the baby’s mother, time out or removal.