My 4 year old is scared of everything

[Emmzie2130]

It's been around 6 months or more of my newly 4 year old son being scared of everything it.

His grandparents he hasn't seen in a day. He doesn't even want them touching him he just clings to me and moans and cries if they try to speak or hug him same goes for strangers.

He's scared of birthday songs and candles. He's scared of face paint. He's scared of getting messy and things being on his hands or face. He's scared of me or his dad showing that we aren't pleased with his bad behaviour so if we frown for example he starts crying and hiding shouting he doesn't want us angry.

There really is just a very long list of things that would take me too long to write and I'm wondering if we need to speak to a dr about it as he's extremely upset and "scared" about something everyday it seems.

Could something have upset or scared him recently when he wasn't with you, OP?

No I don't think so

Is he actually properly scared or he just saying that because it gets more sympathy than ‘don’t want to’?

Are you sure this is not attention seeking? What is he like at nursery? Can he articulate what he feels like? School will be tough won’t it! I feel for you.

I'd say he's scared he covers his face and moans/cried and clings for dear life

At nursery they say he's quiet and won't really talk to the staff other than the one word here and there. He happily plays with his friends though but struggles with attention I'd say or social pressures

@Emmzie2130 Is that now learned behaviour that’s on the repeat button though? Is he articulating anything about why he doesn’t like anything? What happens if you say “no, you must do this”. Nursery aren’t having the same issues and they haven’t, presumably, said he’s scared of everything. I think I’d try and power through a few times. Build some resilience in him. I know it’s a bit cruel to be kind but it’s going to be very draining for you if he’s so anti anything new or what he doesn’t like. Choose your battle carefully. Would rewards work? I feel sorry for his grandparents! I would work on why he cannot say what’s wrong. Does he chatter normally or not?

He does talk normally but if I ask why he's scared of the birthday candle for example he just tells me he doesn't know he's just scared.

I think the issue with his grandparents is there very touchy and hyper with him and he's not like that. They've said give us a cuddle and if he says no they go in and get one anyway which he hate and it makes him cry. That's just my thinking on that one anyway.

@Emmzie2130 Well grandparents do need to back off a bit then. I never got a cuddle from my grandparents. Doesn’t have to be that type of relationship. My DM didn’t cuddle my DDs much either. They chatted more. Birthday parties seem out then if he doesn’t like a candle. I’d maybe talk about feelings and why sometimes a feeling isn’t justified. You must be treading on eggshells which is no way for you to live either. At some stage he will have to join in and overcome fears. How has he coped at other birthday parties? Maybe when he starts school (has he?) he will branch out. Often dc will do what their peers do to fit in.

These things all sound overwhelming for him and sounds like he is more sensitive to his surroundings than most. Maybe worth speaking with the SENDCO at his school/nursery re his sensory processing/communication development. He sounds like a lovely boy.

> They've said give us a cuddle and if he says no they go in and get one anyway which he hate and it makes him cry.

To be fair there's a basic issue of consent there, it's his body so they don't get to touch without consent from him. Especially as they are much bigger and stronger than him.

And on the wider issue he is likely to be masking at nursery, and letting it all out at home. Our son was fine at the childminder and nursery but inconsolable at pickup, but school did still pick up something despite that and the school are supporting him accordingly (and waiting for an assessment) so it's not necessarily something you are doing wrong, it could just be he feels safer to express his real feelings rather than internalise them.
You might find you need to keep mentioning it with school until someone takes you seriously, we got told no issue by the GP, but the school nursery mentioned concerns on parents evening.

We've had his birthday as well as other birthdays on this month and whenever the cake comes out he immediately runs to me and tucks his face into my shoulder and hides

What is sendco?

Masking as in he might have autism?

He sounds a lot like my DS at that age - although maybe not as extreme with the grandparent thing but then again, they also respected his boundaries. I spent many birthday parties with him a cupboard or something when the cake came out. He’s 6 now and has grown out of most of it, school was really helpful to him and has really developed his confidence. There are a few things that he still needs support with, like asking for help or telling someone if he’s hurt himself, and he still gets very upset if he thinks he’s going to be told off but I think it’s just his nature. I try to talk about his feelings and get him to name them and stress that it’s okay to have big emotions.

Are you comforting him each time? Saying "don't worry, Mummy's here?"

If you are you could be accidentally reinforcing his fear. Your responses tell him subconsciously that he was right to be fearful, that he can't manage scary things unless mummy steps in.

You might need to begin working on bravery with him, where he expresses fears about things that are actually not a threat. There is a little routine you do: accept his feeling, normalize it, then encourage gentle exposure.

If he says he's scared of a birthday candle, you might say
"It's not surprising it feels a bit scary, it is a tiny little fire and big fires are dangerous (accept the feeling). Lots of people are a bit worried about fire (normalize). But birthday candle flames are so tiny that they can be blown out with just a big breath and we don't need to be worried about them. You can practice doing a big breath and blowing out a candle using my finger. (Hold up index finger) Ready, steady, BLOW! (Blows finger right over) Wow, that was a big breath! Let's practice on a real birthday candle and see how powerful your breath is!" Etc...

Grandparents? "I understand that Granny and Grandpa might make you feel a bit worried when they arrive because they want cuddles before you feel ready. The thing is, grannies and grandpas love their grandchildren very much, and because they are old they can easily forget what it feels like to be a bit small. I will ask them to show that they love you in a different way. How about we buy a new story book and when they come they can have a cup of tea, and then read your story with you on the sofa?"

You get the idea. You don't dismiss his fears as nothing to worry about, because he IS worried, neither do you give him the impression he can't do the scary thing, or that you need to protect him. You rationalize and then find a bravery step forward.

Could be, autism is always something to keep on your radar, but if there's a gap between expected behaviour and what he can manage for any reason then masking can be an issue.

With the birthday candle he ran and cuddled me hiding his head but I said "youre OK everything is just fine" and got excited and sang happy birthday etc and said "wow did you see he blew out the candle amazing!" But it didn't really do much he still hid his face... but I'll try your approach as it seems better

@Emmzie2130

A SENDCo is a special educational needs coordinator. Some of your DS’s fears and behaviours indicate that there might be an underlying sensory and/or social communication aspect to his difficulties.

A SENDCo will have seen many children with similar struggles and might be able to advise on next steps, or just monitor the situation.

Saying "you're ok everything is just fine" doesn't work because his very sensitive fight/flight response is telling him it isn't fine. So his fear is dismissed, while he is physically comforted as if he needs "saving", which is confusing to his nervous system, mixing up comfort and shame.

It does work better to accept and normalize. It's also important to model MANAGING minor anxiety yourself. "I was a bit worried about going to the dentist because the drill makes a funny noise, but the dentist was really kind and showed me how it works and made sure it wouldn't hurt, and I managed it all and it was all ok". Present it once it's sorted out.

How to Cope With an Anxious Child | Anxiety in Children share.google/JVl69WAE98cWtThna

You have to learn how to validate his fears. This is not the same as reinforcing them. He is still little and is looking to you to be his safe space. You can’t force him to be more confident by pressuring him, it’s making his anxieties worse.

This reminds me of a little boy I had in my reception class back in the day.
Scared of everything, but especially anything on the interactive board. He couldn't even watch something like an episode of Alphablocks or Numberjacks without crying. Even little nursery song cartoons would cause tears. But in every other way, he was a totally normal kid, bright and friendly.

At first we were sympathetic, but that stopped pretty quickly. These are literally shows for pre-school children. It's going to be a big hard world out there if you're going to be scared of Alphablocks. Eventually, as soon as the waterworks started, we'd tell him to go and sit in the book corner. We weren't going to deprive the other children of things they enjoy for the sake of one wet lettuce.

We did share this with parents, who shrugged and said he's exactly the same at home. He had a brother a year younger, who wanted to watch these things, so they'd just encourage the big one to go elsewhere. However we wanted to handle it at school, they'd go along with.

That kid must be about 16 now. I wonder if he's still scared of the telly?

These are all excellent suggestions.

A book like Puppy in my head might help too.

It’s probably worth doing doing this progress checker, just to see if he’s on track with his communication as it’s not always obvious when they’re having difficulty.

My DN was very much like this from a young age.
Diagnosed autistic early teens.

@Emmzie2130 It’s very easy to say “autism” to every behaviour quirk. You haven’t really tried the good advice above. He might well get much more confident before too long and his peer group will help as dc do really like to be the same. I’d not rush to any diagnosis at the moment. Dc are not all the same. Some dc will only eat a few foods. Others only like blue clothes. They just need time and they do accept alternatives but don’t have to be labelled at 4.