Is “Gentle Parenting” Making Things Better — or Just Making Parents Feel Guilty?

[CareerJuggler]

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole “gentle parenting” idea that’s everywhere on social media — calm voices, empathy over punishment, always validating feelings. On paper, it sounds lovely. But in real life, I’m not sure it’s always practical or even healthy.
I’ve genuinely tried to follow it with my 5-year-old. When it works, it’s great — fewer meltdowns, less shouting, more connection. But when it doesn’t? It feels like chaos. Sometimes I end up spending twenty minutes negotiating over brushing teeth, or trying to calmly “talk through” a tantrum when what’s really needed is just a firm “no.”
What bothers me most is the guilt. The moment I raise my voice or say something strict, I feel like I’ve failed as a parent — as if being calm 100% of the time is the only “right” way to parent. But honestly, isn’t it okay for kids to see that adults have limits too?
I also wonder if this approach might make some kids less resilient. Life isn’t always gentle. Teachers, classmates, and the wider world won’t always validate every feeling. Shouldn’t home be a place where kids also learn about boundaries and consequences — not just endless empathy?
Of course, I do see the good side — I don’t want to go back to old-fashioned “because I said so” parenting either. But surely there has to be a middle ground between calm conversation and complete permissiveness.
Curious how others see it — have you found “gentle parenting” sustainable long-term? Do you think it’s improved your child’s behaviour or just made you more anxious about doing everything “right”?

It’s fine for life to be messy - we’re parents not parenting robots.

Why did you write this post using Chat GPT, @CareerJuggler? If you’re going to do that, at least take out the long em dashes…

Absolutely - nobody is perfect all the time and we all act in ways we don't love sometimes. I really like Philippa Perry's writing on 'rupture and repair' for this - she's very clear that all parents say and do things they wish they hadn't sometimes, and it doesn't make you awful, and you can repair the bond with your children.

But surely there has to be a middle ground between calm conversation and complete permissiveness

The problem is you seem to be interpreting gentle parenting as 'complete permissiveness'.

It's possible to hold firm boundaries in a kind and emotionally engaged way.

I think the problem with gentle parenting is that there is no clear understanding of what it means/how it works best and it leads to permissive and ineffective parenting. You are right that this does kids (and the rest of society) no favours whatsoever.

In reality, it’s not actually possible (unless you’re a saint) to empathise over every tiny thing. I literally run out of empathy if I try to do this! It’s probably not desirable either. Yes empathy is hugely important and probably a vague acknowledgement that the child doesn’t enjoy it makes the tooth-brushing go more smoothly. But if your mum sometimes is at the end of her tether and says ‘we’re brushing teeth now’ without acknowledging your feelings, the kid does learn that they can cope without every tiny feeling being acknowledged.

I must say I don’t particularly get from that that’s he’s learnt not to do that again. It’s milk, not water. It stinks to high heaven and is an utter pain I the arse if spilled especially onto fabrics.

You say you were rushing to get ready. Did you miss your train that knocked onto other plans for the day because your son was disobedient? Does he understand that he’s not to be disobedient - that you’re in charge, that he does what you say when you say it?

I would be pretty cross if my child ignored my instructions about milk (though I probably would have simply taken the milk away from them if I saw them ignoring my instructions) and I would want them to know that.

He's only three so time will tell if he learns the lesson. I certainly don't think he would have learned it any better if I'd frightened him by shouting at him.

I'd rather he knows that when he makes mistakes he has to deal with the consequences - like cleaning up - but that I'm there to help, not punish. I think that will set me in good stead for when he's older.

No trains missed or other drastic consequences. Our stairs are wooden, not carpeted. I agree I should have taken the milk away when he was walking around - having realistic expectations of children is important!

It really depends on the child, too. You can have one child who is standing on the table and listens when you say, “Felix, we don’t stand on the table because you may fall off and hurt yourself and your shoes are scratchy and if they leave a mark Mummy will feel sad.” And another who laughs in your face when you give them that spiel.

Children aren’t stupid and can sniff out a wheedling, pleading adult and prey on the weakness. And long explanations, not to mention choices - all the time - exhausting for everyone.

I don’t think I ever shouted at my dcs, but the odd “Get your shoes on NOW!!” hasn’t left them completely broken and traumatised…

I think the problem with gentle parenting is that it assumes the child is behaving the way they are just because of a lack of understanding. And sometimes, that does happen. ‘I know Olivia, those dolls are lovely but we can’t take them home with us because they cost money.’ A two year old won’t understand that but equally they’ll never understand if it’s not explained to them. No problem with that.

But two year olds and actually all children are sometimes just naughty because. My two year old wouldn’t stop hitting her brother yesterday. No provocation or reason, just to be annoying. Gentle parents apparently don’t use consequences so what do you do? It renders you powerless.

A lot of gentle parents also take issue with schools and childcare settings using any sort of consequence and reward based system which annoys me: it’s gentle parenting, not gentle teaching.

Especially if they haven’t learned to do as their parents say! It all sounds a recipe for disaster if you’re at someone else’s home.

Like others have said, it just sounds permissive.

Gentle parenting does use consequences. In the case of your daughter hitting your son, the consequence I would use would be to physically remove her from his vicinity, and if it kept happening I would require her to stay with me while I did my boring adult tasks instead of her being allowed to play near him.

I don't think shouting is a better solution, because we know from a neuroscience perspective that frightened children can't process information or rationalise their behaviour.

I personally think gentle parenting has incredibly sound and effective principles but you do see a LOT of people who seem to think they're doing gentle parenting when actually they're not holding boundaries or applying consequences. Gentle parenting is authoritative - firm boundaries consistently upheld in a loving and empathetic manner. It's what a lot of people are just doing out of basic common sense, but it is frequently misunderstood and misapplied.

Kids are sometimes naughty because it’s fun. They know that they’re not allowed to hit their siblings but they do it because they’re impulsive. I do think it’s helpful for the parents to understand where it’s coming from though, ie ‘jimmy is whacking his brother because he doesn’t know what to do with himself when he’s bored’ or ‘they’re hitting each other with cushions because they need to let off energy’. You just don’t need all the tedious chats and explanations.

Gentle parenting doesn't assume every behaviour is due to a lack of understanding, but it does assume that every behaviour has a cause.

There will be a reason your two year old was hitting her brother, beyond just being naughty for the sake of it. My guess would be she was seeking attention. Or perhaps just experimenting with how far she could push it before he slaps her back. There is a reason.

If you find the reason and get ahead of it you change the behaviour without the need for frustration/anger/shouting/arbitrary punishments. Gentle parenting in this way should make you life easier, not harder. It should be MORE effective on reducing unwanted behaviour, not less.

Tbh though I don’t think most modern parenting strategies would advocate shouting. It’s a bit of a straw man to say that either you’re gentle parenting or you’re shouting.

This is it. I think the main difference between gentle parenting and other styles is that it places a heavy emphasis on understanding the causes of behaviour. Often this will relate to the child’s feelings but not always. The trouble is that understanding the cause doesn’t always mean there is a clear answer as to the solution.

It isn’t practical to do that though @BlackberrySmaug . So she has to stay with me to do my boring adult tasks which I can’t do because she’s screaming and kicking off and trying to run back to her brother which is hard to physically prevent because of the layout of the house - that’s a consequence all right, for me!

Gentle parenting uses natural consequences I believe but some natural consequences are just abusive (if you don’t brush your teeth they will go rotten) so not practical!

Generally though I do think a lot of gentle parenting is practical with one child. When you have two or more with conflicting needs, it just isn’t.

Definitely works better with one child, or more importantly with children that are gentler by nature anyway.

There’s a difference between understanding why something happened and letting it go unchecked because little jimmy was angry/hungry/tired/frustrated/whatever.

Well if that consequence doesn't work for you you have to find one that does, my point is just that it doesn't need to be shouting. If you can find out the cause of the behaviour, all good. If not you have to prevent it. Shouting might stop that one instance because she's scared, but it's not actually getting to the cause or giving her alternative strategies for dealing with that cause, so over the long term it keeps happening.

I have three children, all very different personalities, and over the course of the years I've been doing them, gentle parenting strategies have been really effective.

I think the 'gentle parenting is for gentle children' thing is a bit of a myth. One of mine is the most chilled, sunny, easy-going personality ever and I barely ever have to deploy any kind of strategies with their behaviour. Another has ADHD, the energy of a border collie, and a mind for scientific enquiry of the most chaotic kind. Firm, kind boundaries, focusing on causes of behaviour, natural consequences, and empathy for their feelings works very well on both personality types.

I didn’t shout at her @BlackberrySmaug . Why do you think it’s gentle parenting or shouting?

There are a lot of strategies that gentle parenting are very clear that they don’t encourage or condone such as behaviour charts / stickers, time outs, naughty step and so on. Some may or may not be good strategies but they aren’t shouting and they aren’t gentle parenting in the truest sense of it.

Perhaps a lot of it is down to how religiously you stick to it. It’s like a lot of things; good ideas there but then people become so rigid about it and horrified at the idea of anyone doing something that’s Not Gentle Parenting that it gets a bit silly.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to suggest gentle parenting or shouting are the only options, that was just an example. There's another thread I'm on at the moment talking about shouting specifically so it's on my mind.

I don't agree with time outs or naughty steps either, mostly because I think they're pointless and are generally used on children far too young to reflect upon their behaviour in isolation in any kind of meaningful way. I like a time-in sometimes, where I'll remove my child from a situation where they're doing something unwanted but I'll stay with them to help them regulate and process their feelings.

Well, OK but then why do you keep saying it doesn’t need to be shouting? I’m not meaning that rudely, just genuinely don’t really understand why shouting keeps being brought into the discussion.

Time ins are very trendy at the moment. Sometimes they can be helpful. Sometimes they aren’t practical, if you have other children needing you. With my first child, they were completely counterproductive as my presence would serve to increase his frustration - he needed time alone to calm down.

I think this is where I don’t really like gentle parenting: it is always ‘no, no, gentle parenting is not permissive parenting, we have boundaries and discipline’ but then when asked what that actually looks like it often is either impractical or relies on being able to physically move / force a child to do or not do something. Once you can’t do that your options are limited.

I don’t think cleaning up is a meaningful consequence for a 3 year old. They’ll just fanny about with a cloth. Tbh this is one situation where I would be comfortable with a kid of that age seeing a cross adult. They ignored instructions and caused disruption and problems for another member of their family with no good reason.

I’m sort of in the middle, actually. If my child did this I’d be a bit irritated but it would be my fault really so I would probably clean it up myself and get on with my day.