DD ran away - back now - advice please

[TheYakWanders]

On Saturday, my DD14 had a "playdate" with a friend, so I took her over there and left to go home. The child's mother was in the house but doing her own thing - they are teens and doing normal teen stuff or so we thought. The girls say they are going to the park... And the mother then gets a notification on her phone that a transaction has occurred on her card for the bus company. She rings me and immediately I felt my heart drop and guess they've run away to the city centre which is 20 minutes away. I drove like a bat out of hell to the city, parked in the bus station, started to wander and found them - unbelievable luck that I found them. They had two packed bags, and later we discovered they had stolen the mother's credit and debit cards and 2 knives (!!!!) for "self defence".
This has come out of the blue - my DD has never shown any indication of unhappiness or wanting to run away. She has an incredibly comfortable home life. How on earth do I navigate this fear and terror of someone running away who had absolutely no home life problems?? Please help. I feel totally adrift. She could have died.

Thank you, this is good advice. I will speak to my DD and make a plan

From your prior update it sounds as though she did this in solidarity with her friend. So I’d be extremely worried about her home life. I would let your DD know that the friend can seek advice and shelter from you, as opposed to running off and being vulnerable. I’d contact NSPCC for advice. If they suggest social services, you can hide behind the fact that you sought advice for your DD, but the friend came up in conversation and they decided to investigate further. Good luck OP.

My Dd is a similar age and fairly sheltered too. If she wants to go places we would know in advance and someone would be taking her as public transport is dire. If I found out she suddenly bought bus tickets to the nearest big city I’d be surprised and worried BUT my first thought wouldn’t be she’d ’run away’. Just gone off on an ill judged adventure. Why did she leave her phone behind, that would be unheard of with my teenagers.

My first thought, and I accept it could be an overreaction, was that these girls have been groomed online and had headed off to meet up. I would be looking at their online activity and trying to get more info about their plans.

I ran away quite often as a teen. Eventually moved out properly at 18, as soon as I could. My parents were strict and treat me like a child, saying I was "different and young minded", they wouldn't even let me do driving lessons even though my siblings did. I had a curfew of 9:30pm at 18YO.
Not sayings its all you OP, but maybe look at areas of your parenting and her home life that you could look to change. Help her feel more mature, confident and independent. Show her you trust her and make sure she knows, no matter what, she can come and tell you. She's done this "in support of her friend", without confiding in you at all, AND left her phone so she couldn't be contacted. This is what would concern me. It seems like she doesn't feel like she can talk to you.

This too. The online world is a scary place. Just because they were found in town, doesn’t mean the final destination was the town. What if the next step was to catch a further bus or train out somewhere else. If you ‘run away’ with bags full of clothes to last a while, the nearest town where you can be picked up easily can’t be the end goal.

I have been looking through my DD phone today - not something I want to do but because of the situation I was also concerned for grooming. My DD does not have social media but the other girl has Snapchat and Tiktok. So there is potential here.
We have decided to sit down with the girls together and try to discuss it very calmly - I hope this is a good idea

Thank you this is helpful.
My DD is immature but I need to help her grow up. If you can offer any more advise on what would have helped you with your parents, I'd be really appreciative. I will try and make a plan to give her more independence and help her mature

What a horrible shock for you OP. But what made you immediately think that the girls had run away? If I had notification that my DC had bought a bus ticket to the nearest city at the age of 14 I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. I certainly wouldn't have leapt in my car and driven like a bat out of hell to the bus station in that city looking for them. The fact that you reacted like that says that all is not well - or at least you suspected that beforehand.

If this was teenage boys carrying knives, everyone would be telling you to report them to the police.

I’m sorry you’ve had a crap day, OP. You’ve had a nasty shock so it’s understandable, but it’s important to put it in perspective now lest you push her away. She’s a teenager. I planned and almost executed an escape with a friend at least twice when I was her age! It’s an exciting thing to do, and taking knives for self-defence is all part of that thrill I think, rather than anything particularly worrying. Easy to get swept up in that, though they should be educated on the risks and idiocy of carrying knives for ‘self-defence.’ Just the fact they did that lets me know how green they are.

It’s time to talk to her and extend her a little more independence where you can, I think. Rural kids can often be artificially sheltered and there’s a big world out there she’s obviously curious about. TV and social media won’t help with this. You coming down hard and acting like it’s all paedophiles and murderers out there will not stop her from wanting to explore it. I exaggerate, but you know what I mean. I was only three years older than her when I first moved to London from a small town alone.

That said, she needs to know she crossed a line by booking tickets on a card that wasn’t theirs, and going somewhere without letting you know. Surprise her by making it possible to talk to you about what boundaries she thinks are appropriate for her at this stage. If she’s a typically compliant kid, this could be a really enlightened and enlightening chat. Explain that your role as her mum is to support her into adulthood safely, and decide those boundaries together. You may have to compromise a little with your own levels of comfort, and for god’s sake don’t threaten that friendship - keep an eye on it by all means but don’t bloody create a reason for her to rebel there. She will be much more likely to stick to co-created boundaries if she believes it’s all fair and for her own good, and she won’t be able to hear you at all if you make her friend the bad guy.

...my mind immediately went to her not being able to be tracked
That's precisely she left her phone behind, she didn't want to be tracked.
You need to start loosening the leash.

We all have trackers on our phone, Daughter 25 Son 22 my husband and I in our 50s.
Its a useful tool and I love seeing where in the world my 2 travelling kids are.

Doesn't sound like your daughter is unhappy but went along with this to help her friend. You need to give her a hug and explain that running away wasn't helping her friend. I would not be leaving them alone together and i would only allow them to be together in your home. I hope you have access to your daughters phone.

Its good you found them so quick.
The kids round here that run away a lot are the ones who have no rules and just do as the please. So it goes both ways when it comes to how strick to be.
I think thats a red herring anyway. Obviously something more is going on with one of them. A bigger reason why running away or even going to somewhere/someone in particular was the plan.
Realistically teens can hide a lot if they want to .

I think it was my parents job to recognise that I was younger minded than my peers, but then rather than hold me back using this as a reason, they should have helped me. It took me a lot longer than it should have to become a functioning young adult because I wasn't shown how. They wouldn't let me drive, but also didn't show me how to navigate public transport, so when it came time for college I was like bambi on ice.
You know your DD, I don't. You said yourself she is young minded, but what specifically makes you think that? Is it her behaviour? How she "plays" with friends? The way she speaks / acts? The things that are specific to her are what you should work on.
I'm not saying hurry up and make her a grown up, but at 14 she should be allowed to get the bus to town with a friend to go to the cinema etc, and I'm guessing from this post that isn't something that happens. Small changes will make a big deal to her.

Treat her like a young adult and that's what she will become, treat her like a child and that is how she will stay.

Ask her if she thinks you trust her, and ask her if she thinks you're strict. Her answers will say a lot x

How rural are you? I mean, the city bus station is only 20 minutes away. We live 30-40 minutes away - and I don't think we're remotely rural. And growing up we were over an hour away from the nearest (smallish) town. And I still would only have called where I lived semi-rural. It seems very strange to me that 14 year olds don't routinely take a 20 minute bus into town.

The knife situation is very concerning, though. And if this was my daughter she would be in very serious trouble for this.

I suspect your daughter is likely telling the truth. She didn't want her friend to 'run away' on her own, so decided to go with her. As they'd both packed bags, then it was premeditated, and planned. The knives are concerning, you need a very strong conversation regarding the fact that carrying a knife in public is illegal, and the implications of carrying a knife if someone found it and used it against her or she indeed used it herself. The 'running away' needs to be spoken about, where were they planning on going?? Just staying in the city, or going further afield. Your daughter had no phone and no real money, both were relying on the cards the other girl stole from her Mum. What were they planning on doing, just wandering around? Personal safety, again a conversation is needed. A person doesn't necessarily need to be violent to be a threat. Someone who can gain influence over them, appear friendly/concerned with a less than noble motive, can be just as bad as someone with a knife. Your daughter's friend is unhappy, and instigated the plan, but your daughter now needs to know how to navigate the situation if this friend suggests such a plan again. Does your daughter go on the bus to the city, if she tells you prior? So this isn't a case of your daughter never being allowed to do this by herself?

So what was the plan? Where were they going to go? Where were they going to sleep? On what money? Food and so on.
Was she going to quit school?

It sounds more like a “plan” that much younger children would concoct, rather than a real running away.

If the friends has real issues going on you should inform the school with what you know. You should also know the school know about their “running” away.

Both your dd and her friend need to watch the street doctors knife video

She is 14 and doesnt go on social media, never caught a bus to somewhere 20 minutea away, and is constantly tracked.
Op it's no wonder sbe is young and immature - you are infantising her!

A person doesn't necessarily need to be violent to be a threat. Someone who can gain influence over them, appear friendly/concerned with a less than noble motive, can be just as bad as someone with a knife. Your daughter's friend is unhappy, and instigated the plan, but your daughter now needs to know how to navigate the situation if this friend suggests such a plan again.

Yes by all means help your DD learn independent skills like taking a bus, but focusing on this one aspect is missing the point to me. The key issue is what @Sassylovesbooks says ie this ^^

Your DD engaged in extremely risky behaviour to support a friend. This suggests that she needs help developing her critical thinking skills. To realise that by going along with someone’s bad and potentially dangerous plan is not supporting them and potentially harms her. If she is suggestible or easily influenced, you need to help her learn that even ‘friends’ can have agendas.

It’s very tricky as a parent because while you feel she has a very comfortable life with no problems the fact that she has done this with a friend says otherwise.

it’s possible - likely even - that the friend has a really tough home life and your child feels responsible in some way for her. If her friend is being neglected/parents don’t accept sexuality whatever then your child is also wrestling with that because they want to support their friend.

at 14 most teens know someone who is going through a tough time - for whatever reason.

you do need to open up communication with your child because she clearly felt completely unable to confide in out about her/her friends difficulties.

have you had conversations with her about sex/relationships etc?

Stressful for you and hopefully your teen is absorbing some of what you say but she is still very young. They make stupid decisions (to us) at this age. You’ve pointed out the dangers so I’d let it lie for a bit now. She needs a bit more freedom- tell her it’s ok to go to town but she has to bring her phone and respond to texts then you’ll feel more reassured she can handle it the responsibility.

I wonder if she, the friend, are being groomed in any way by people they’ve met on the internet? You say the friend has a bit of a troubled life - could you subtly discourage the friendship or steer her towards more stable friends?

Yes, agree with a previous poster that the school also need to be aware of this. Don’t be embarrassed to tell them ax you are a ‘nice’ family. They can help to safeguard your daughter and her friend.