Is it normal to NOT want to spend all the time with your baby?

[MummyNeedsCoffee1]

My 1-year old started nursery recently. If I’m being honest, I quite looked forward to that and it’s been really great so far. We have breakfast together, then I bring him to nursery, then sometimes I have time for a quiet coffee or even an exercise class before starting work (self-employed). And this week I knew that there’s a day where I wouldn’t work, but I brought little one to nursery nonetheless and had a great day sorting things at home and sitting on the sofa watching Netflix for the first time in a year. Now I really love my little boy, (I don’t think I could even leave him at nursery if he cried like others at drop off but luckily he loves it), and I do look forward to collecting him in the afternoon. We also have one day during the week just for the two of us which is great. But to be honest, I’m really happy with this set up and as long as I know that he’s alright and well taken care of, I don’t mind not spending all day every day with him.

But I don’t feel like I can say this to anyone in real life. All of my ante natal group friends really dreaded / are dreading start of nursery, they say that they find it incredibly difficult not to spend all day with their babies….is something wrong with me for not feeling like that? Overall I really enjoyed maternity leave and I did a lot of classes with my baby, but even back then I was quite happy for DH to take him for a few hours and get some me time. I wouldn’t say that I struggle with motherhood, but maybe I actually do?

I would be extremely suspicious about someone not wanting to spend time with their children. I would be worried they are suffering from post-partum depression so I would encourage them to make an appointment with the GP as soon as possible.

You do understand OP wasn’t talking about literally all the time don’t you?

Does it make you feel good to come on the internet and make comments like that?

Yes!!! The fact you even question this about yourself shows how deep and unrealistic the cultural expectations around mothering are.

I think it's normal to want to be around your baby most of the time, and personally find it a bit odd if people go on holiday for a week without baby when they're little...but that's pretty unusual anyway.
Remember posh people historically delegated most of it to nannies, so there's a mixed bag, when you look back. Working class women had to leave babies behind and go off to work. Much like most people now..

Blimey 🤣

Totally normal and doesn't mean you are struggling with motherhood at all. Not everyone feels that way clearly but 90% of my friends are the same.

My children (DD only now, DS is at school) go to nursery because I work full time (well 30 hours now). There are probably 1 or 2 days a year where I could take DD out of nursery while DS is at school and I am off work. But I do believe in you are allowed to be a person outside of being a mum and if that is having a few days a year or a few hours a week to yourself that is fine.

I think when you have your first it’s just a massive shock to the system and it’s nice to get a bit of time for ‘you’ again.

And one (and two!) year olds are exhausting and relentless.

My only … not exactly word of caution but I suppose it is that in a way is that sometimes the less you do, the less you want to do in a weird way. To be honest my bond with my first child was shaky for years, really. I worked three days a week but on those three days I’d make excuses in my head to leave him in nursery until 5, 530 even (I could easily have got him at 4.) I’d tell myself he was fine, he was happy, he had all his friends, toys, kind staff. All true but … let’s just say if I could go back I’d leave work at 330 and get him in a heartbeat.

There's a difference between spending time with your children and spending every waking moment with your children.

And in practice I find women who will never leave their children with anyone are the ones who are anxious and need help.

I put my almost 2 year old twins into nursery for 2 or 3 days a week at the recommendation of their neonatal consultant as they were premature. But tbh it was a relief for me too. They were Covid babies and it was hard going.

When their younger sibling was 11 months old, they also went into the same nursery 1 day a week because I needed a break. Dropping all 3 off and walking out that door was like a weight had been lifted.

And their newest sibling at 10 months has also recently started going to nursery 2 days a week. The twins are at school and I made sure the younger ones go to nursery on the same days.

I'm a stay at home mum and I bloody love those "days off" and make no apologies for that.

Put your feet up 😊

Totally normal and fine. I have a 1 year old, I have gone back to work recently and it has done absolute wonders for my mental health. She loves her days at nursery and with her grandma. I can WFH 1 / 2 days as well, so I can catch up on house stuff at lunchtime. It has made me value my days with baby so much more, and I'm more focused on her because I've been able to catch up on house stuff on other days. I really need to work, and have something else to focus on, and adult chat!

Not wanting to spend time, and not wanting to spend ALL your time, with your baby are very different things. You would not say this about a dad!

Yes it is normal. I enjoy the time my three year old is at preschool because it is hard.

Totally normal

Give over. Nursery don't bring them up.

Completely normal OP! I am exactly the same, as are all of my friends and it doesn’t mean we are any less responsible as parents or that we care about our children any less, despite what a couple of strange responses on here seem to be implying. Of course everyone is different, and maybe some do genuinely love spending every second with their children - I personally would go insane and would not be the best parent I can be. As a pp said, it’s quality over quantity for us.

I’ve always just assumed that parents who can’t bear to be parted have no real life or interests outside their child. Fine, but I love my job, my friends, and cultural activities that don’t involve Bluey.

Oh yes, definitely. DS started nursery and childminder at 1 as well, and he's now 2. I really deliberated about dropping my hours at work when mat leave finished, as I felt guilty being away from him for so long. But honestly, I'm really relieved I didn't.

Whilst toddlers can be great and so funny compared to babies, they are also knackering! Running around, into everything, no concept of safety, short attention spans, tantrums, napping less...keeping them safe and maintained all day can be a grind sometimes.

I think I'd have just felt guilty for not enjoying the time as much as I 'should', and that our finances would suffer as there would be no guarantee of ever getting full-time hours back again. I might have felt differently if DS had struggled adapting to childcare, but like yours, he loves it. Plus DH and I can sometimes have days off together whilst he is at nursery, which is a massive bonus.

This was both true for me and my husband. We were fortunate that we both have jobs we love, an amazing nursery, and the choice whether we wanted to go back to work or not. We both decided we did so there was no resentment. Having some time to yourself means more quality time as a family as we feel refreshed literally enjoy every minute we spend together. Certainly don’t feel that someone else is ‘bringing up our baby’ (that sort of attitude sounds very defensive to me and smacks of people not being completely happy with their decision). As people on here like to point out, if it takes a village to raise a baby, then them being surrounded by friends and carers as well as family is a wonderful thing!

I was a young (16-23 year old) qualified nursery nurse and i put my heart and soul into the children i cared for. It was the hardest job i’ve had to date but don’t think all those professionals aren’t invested in the children they look after. Or guilt trip those families that use that service

Absolutely. My sanity depends on it.

I also look forward to seeing my friends without our kids around as it means I can actually talk to them properly.

Totally with you OP and honestly feel like it makes me a better parent for that break and time apart from each other.
I do find some other mums look down on me for saying I prefer to not be a SAHP, but that's on them. If you're both happy then there's absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Make the most of your Me time!

Yes it’s totally normal! I don’t think we are evolved to spend all day every day with our children. I feel like my child has just as much fun at nursery as she does at home with me! I think it’s great and I was the same as you in that I quite looked forward to her starting nursery and I really enjoy the routine of it now. It’s also great to have breathing space to go to the toilet and have a cup of tea at will!

I'm in awe of SAHPs - I couldn't do it (nor would I wish to). I feel for women (and indeed men!) who want to be SAHP but can't for financial reasons. Whereas I am happy to work, see my toddler happy at nursery, and enjoy the quality time around that. I split my parental leave with my DP partly for financial reasons, partly so LO could get that early time with daddy, and also because actually I found mat leave lonely and boring at times. My partner and I did nine day fortnights at work all summer while my LO built up to four days a week at nursery, and that was lovely. Now LO is on four days nursery, one day with grandparents, weekends with us and it seems to be working really well. Nursery is full of exactly the things my LO currently likes best - lots of safe toddler toys to climb on and a giant sandpit.

Completely normal OP! I've had a few comments over the years from other mothers horrified that I work full time and I simply reply with quality over quantity and a smile!

The working mums in my team are the same - we absolutely love our children but we also love having a piece of ourselves which is for us and using the skills we developed over many years after being on mat leave.

As for babies can't communicate what rubbish my two had over 50 BSL signs before their first birthday (neither are deaf we just taught sign language as a communication tool) including when they were hungry, full, wanted a nappy change even down to specific food they wanted!