AIBU to ask where the heck is my village?

[whereismyvillage]

I need to get this off my chest and see if I'm the only one. Between the school runs, trying to arrange playdates, and the sheer awkwardness of asking for a favour from a parent you've only ever nodded at the school gate, it feels like a second job. Last week (on day 2 of back to school), I had to take my eldest to A&E and spent 20 minutes drafting a text to ask a mum in my youngest’s class to have him for maybe 10-20 mins just until their dad got there. I ended up deleting the whole thing because I felt like I was being a burden. I look at my parents' stories of a 'village' and wonder where ours went. AIBU to think it shouldn't be this hard to just... help each other out?"

I’m interested to know:
How do you all currently handle it when you need a last-minute lift/pick up for your child?

What's the most awkward part about trying to make mum friends (I’m 8 months in this new area)

Have you ever not asked for help even though you really needed it? What stopped you?

ans for those who have managed to build a little support network, how did you actually do it? What was the breakthrough moment?

I sometimes sit and daydream about an easier way ( my husband travels a lot for work and work FT too). In my ideal world, I’d have a directory of verified local parents where I could just quickly see who's around and send a low-pressure ask or even a play date but I just never know how to. I don't know if that's just me! Maybe the problem is just modern life. That's why I'm asking.

AIBU?

I feel a bit like you but I think it's because I hate asked for help. I would happily help others in an emergency so I don't know why it bothers me. Luckily my school has a good after school club they can use last minute. I think friendships with parents grow over time so doing playdates or getting stuck at kids parties pays off. Then you find people you like and it's easier to ask. Now there are a few parents I will do stuff like lift share with for sports or parties but not many tbh.

A couple things: the sorts of things you are expecting of others to do, I’d expect Dh and I to handle between ourselves. If I needed to take a child to A&E, I’d expect Dh to sort the other one. You said your Dh travels a lot for work, so I assume he must have been far away at the time and not able to get home? Otherwise, I’d take both dc with me and Dh would meet me at the hospital so one of us could take other dc home.

I also think your expectations might be too high for having only moved to an area 8 months ago, especially if you have fairly young children, where you still need to do a lot of facilitating friendships. Before my eldest was about 8 and made her own friends and we got to know there parents, I didn’t really know other parents that well except to say hello in passing. We’ve lived here 3.5 years now and I could definitely ask other parents for emergency help (and them me), but that took time and also just kids being older (my eldest is 12 now, still not that close to youngest’s friends parents and he is 7).

Basically, I think it takes time, also for your dc to build friendships, because your connections will happen through them, but mostly, Dh and I are the village for each other and work life has to be planned to a degree around family life. We have no family help.

Hope your eldest is ok. We don’t have a great village but it feels a lot better than it did a few years ago when we moved here. What worked was being proactive in offering help. Who lives near you who picks up at the same time? Next time DC get invited to a party, who can you offer to take? Can you offer to take an energetic friend of DC to the park with you one afternoon? Do DC do sport or other activities at the weekend, can you offer lifts there/ back? I work as well and although I sometimes feel envious of the easy camaraderie of the mums who spend more time together immediately post 3pm and holidays, you can be smart in for eg signing your kids up to activities other DC in their class do and offering lifts. Obviously you want to avoid the feeling that it is tit for tat but once you have done people a favour a few times it’s a lot easier to ask for one when needed.

You need to actively build a village and it starts with you. Mine is small, I have a couple of parents of DDs school friends I can and will call on in an emergency, I built that by volunteering to have their kids round to mine for play dates, forcing myself to approach them and have conversations when the opportunity arose at parties or when in could pick up from school, finding them on Facebook and sending a friend request, then approaching them when I saw they had a problem that I could help with. That way I built ‘credit’ with them.

I wouldn’t worry about asking people. I had only just moved into the area and had to ask someone in an emergency. We became friends and she asked me when she had an emergency.

I talked to the parents collecting ds' friends from afterschool club, and said I worked and lived close by, and was happy to collect their child and give them a snack at our house, if they were running late.

I offered first and was happy to help. Collecting an extra child is really no big deal. Then when I had a crisis, it was easier to ask.

I never did the mum and child dates - it was always having a friend over/taking them out and parent/me collecting.

I wonder if the mum over for a coffee/play date happens more with mums who don’t work or have more flexible working hours?

I wouldn’t ask a favour from someone if I couldn’t reciprocate. Not sure how much time you have for this? (no judgement, I work full time too). I relied on afterschool or breakfast club. School would allow emergency entry to both. Not sure what I would have done without it.

A friend of mine made loads of mum friends. The things she did differently: didn’t work/then worked part time so very present in the playground / Very active in the PTA/ kids in multiple sports groups that class mates were also at.

Sure there are loads of full time working mums who did make lots of mum friends and built a little network - I’ll let them tell you how they did it. I just couldn’t make it work, but I don’t feel bad about it as all my daughters friends’ mums were in the same boat as me - rushing around, arranging play dates that fit around work etc

edited to say: there were occasions I would do favours / had favours done for me but this was after the girls friendships had developed and it was easier for both sides to say ‘can you grab mine on the way’ type thing.

I would and have just text one of the parents in the WhatsApp group for the class, I have a couple I am closer to so just work my way down them until someone says they can help. I've had other kids in similar circumstances. You have to build the village

You should have asked the mum to help you...most people are fine to help people who are genuinely in need and who will one day return the favour. It's the cheeky fuckers people have a problem with.

Society is pretty much broken. That’s the issue. Nothing personal to you.

You have to make a conscious effort to build a village I think, and that is something you need to do BEFORE you need help/a favour.

We are quite lucky in that my family are really good and would help if needed- PIL are rubbish and wouldn’t.

Both my husband & I have really great friendship groups, lots of kids now in both groups, we all help each other out if needed and able, have been friends since we were tiny!

And then I have my mum friends who I’ve met since having my daughter at various baby groups etc and we’ve become a lovely support system for each other really just by being there for each other really. Lots of soft play/park/cafe trips, they are all very special to me and we’re now at a place where we’re all happy to help where needed. One of those friends doesn’t drive, had a poorly baby and needed a food shop so one of us offered & went to go get that for them no worries, another one has recently been very unwell and was struggling entertaining her little one while trying to recovery so we took her little one for the day to give her a break and those are just two examples. No worries whatsoever and it all goes every way, nobody is using anyone or being cheeky, we’re all friends who want to help when/if needed.

You don’t create a village by waiting until you need something and then asking someone you barely know for a favour.

Sometimes I think we are all too reticent about asking.

As long as you reciprocate favours when you can, you shouldn’t feel shy about asking. Most of us do feel reluctant to ask though. I think we’ve got used to being more self sufficient over the last couple of generations (also more distrustful of “non verified” people) and now asking is the exception rather than the norm. It’s a shame.

Actually sometimes needing a hand is how you get to know someone. We only got to know our neighbours after one of them had to go to A&E and we were drafted in to watch their kids. We weren’t “verified parents” just the new couple next door, but luckily we turned out not to be axe murderers.

I agree with pp about offering first when you can, and then you don’t feel as bad about asking when you need to. But if that’s not possible and you need to ask first, that’s fine! Just try to reciprocate when you can.

Wow, thank you all so much. I like the idea of offering first without keeping acore and now I’m thinking how does that work?
What does a 'good offer' look like? Do I just go up to one of the mums and say "I'm around if you're ever in a bind" or something specific "I'm taking my DC to the park on Saturday, happy to take yours too!" (Now that I’ve written it down , is that a bit much?)

for those who’ve nailed this down, what’s the thing that broke the ice. I ask because we say hi, and we’ve invited each other to birthday (my child’s May bank holiday). Everyone came and was lovely but I feel like there are social hurdles more than just logistics.

We have a village at school - mainly through the year WhatsApp & also from spending a lot of time with the parents of the kids my DC plays sports with.

DC is in year 3 now & these friendships have been cultivated from year r. Honestly, I could put it in any of the 3 WhatsApp groups for DC (year one, sport one & sports mum one) & someone would help us out & inwould do exactly the same for anyone who asked too.

It's taken 3 years to build to this so 8 months in may be too soon for ypu but honestly just ask in the class/year WhatsApp group next time as someone will be willing to help.

In terms of what to write keep it direct & short. Ie, "Is anyone able to pick DC up from school today & keeps them for 30 minutes til DH is back? Ive had to leave early to take DC sibling to hospital so can't do myself." Don't over explain pr complicate it.

Good luck but you'll be fine

Offering first for me is often in the form of offering a lift to/from a birthday party or out of school club. I sometimes offer to have someone’s child on a day I’m not working in the holidays, so they don’t need to find childcare. (But only if our kids are friendly obviously). I have neighbours whose kids are at the same school and I have proactively said I’m happy to bring theirs back if they need, occasionally this has become a regular thing but mostly just been used in emergencies (and I have needed it too).

What do you do for other people to be their village?

How old are your kids?

I started in yr1 (ish) so they were about 5/6 yrs old by txting the parents of DDs friends who live nearby and saying we were taking a walk to the park and if xx didn’t have anything on would she want to come too, or asking if xx wanted to come over for the afternoon. As they’ve gotten older I’ve taken them to trampoline parks, farm parks, Nina warrior, even for a day at the seaside. DD is an only child so it’s usually pretty good for me to take one of her friends along because it gives her someone to play with and gives me a bit of a break from entertaining and hav8ng to clamber through softplay equipment.

In terms of offering favours, if your children are old enough for drop-off birthday parties, I've offered to drive and/or pick-up DC 's friends sometimes so we don't all have to go. People then offer in return.

How old are your children? Birthday parties are a good way to get to know people. Don’t expect to make friends, as in people you meet up with socially yourself, but as an acquaintance. You might get lucky and make friends.

if you have a class WhatsApp group, try to answer questions/ offer help when asked. For example, when someone asks if it’s PE today, try to be the person that answers.

invite your children’s friends for play dates. The parents probably won’t stay the whole time, but your likely to have a chat when they drop off/ pick up.

I know parents of my DS’s classmates to varying degrees, but I’d happy look after any of them for an hour or so to help with a proper emergency like an A&E trip, if someone asked for help in the class WhatsApp group. There are some I know better who I’d look after for longer - for those I’d already know the parents from play dates,so they’d contact me directly

Nanny/babysitter i.e. we pay for said village.

Everyone around us works. All the mums are as tired as I am. No one can do favours for each other, we don't have the TIME to get to know each other and form said village. We live in a city where people move around a lot as well, no one is "from" this neighbourhood.

The problem with "offering" help like someone suggested above is that no one knows each other. I'm not gonna hand over a small child to a stranger. Ever. You can be nice and polite at the school gate but your husband could be a child molester for all I know and I'm not gonna take that risk when I've had a whole 3 minutes to get to know you.

If your DH travels a lot, he needs to pay for a helper to do school pick ups etc. That kind of a job can only be done if their partner is a SAHM or has paid help. Working full time while also sorting out the kids is not feasible.

That's what I was going to ask...it's reciprocal, and whilst in your posts above you're asking about how to start doing it, I think you just sort of...need to start doing it, really!

It's a lot easier if you live in the place you grew up in, and/or near family, but I agree with previous posters - people generally don't just materialise at the right moment with offers of free childcare/assistance, you have to make it happen really.

The best advice I can give you is just to chat to anyone around really, and take it from there - so school gates, club pick-ups, parents in cafes etc, people you meet socially/volunteering or anything like that.

I really don't understand why people think they are magically entitled to a 'village'? You have to make friends/acquaintances with others by interacting with them before you need a favour and then once you are friends you do things to help each other.

It's on you to build a network, offer to help out with school things, invite some of your children's friends over to play and ask the mum in for coffee, offer to take other children to sports etc.

DH and I have no help but we also prefer to keep to ourselves and aren't keen on being burdened with babysitting for others, so we don't have a village and work it out between us. My dcs are 7 and 3 and I can't say think of an emergency situation like that which we've had to deal with tbh (we've never taken either of our dcs to A&E and tend to wait and see, which has always worked itself out). We have to juggle a few planned situations (taking one child somewhere and DH will wfh so he can look after the other one) but I've also just brought both of them along on my own so as not to disrupt his work. We have a flexible after school club so that's also an option for us now.

DH is quite senior and has chosen to never work away since our eldest was born. I'm a sahm but I ferry my dcs around a fair bit and we tend to do lots of booked & paid for activities at weekends so it would be inconvenient to collect another child or have them over on a weekend at short notice. I just prefer being a bit more independent and resilient than depending on people for favours, and having them expect it from us.

I didn’t have a village. I had a useless exH and family that didn’t live anywhere near me. I just became super resourceful and self reliant … and was lucky I guess. As my DDs got older I made sure I lived close to their schools in case they needed to come home and I couldn’t get back. We muddled through 🤷🏼‍♀️

Zero village here-one thing I’ve always done (for my children as much as anything) is to host a fair amount of play dates. This is not reciprocated and we don’t expect it either (they are invited over; just nowhere near as much as we invite them).

Also in conversations I’ve made it clear that if they’re ever stuck and we’re around, we can have their child for a bit. Rarely been taken up on this but it makes me feel less awkward for asking should we ever need to-which I think has only happened once anyway.

I also think it’s about finding other parents without support as they’ll be the ones who are more up for a reciprocal arrangement. Easier said than done I know!