TW: parenting an opposite sex child after my CSA

[parentingafterabuse]

TW for this thread, please tread gently.

I really need some support with my thoughts and I thought typing it out here might help.

I am currently pregnant with a little boy - due soon. Baby was much longed for and conceived after multiple losses. I would never ever have considered myself as having any sort of gender preference, but when we found out at a scan that he was a boy, I've been filled with a cold dread ever since that I cannot shake.

We already have a little girl and I would say that I have found parenting her 'easy' in that it's felt instinctive, natural, something I'm comfortable with. I bonded early in her pregnancy and expected that this would be the same with this baby. Instead, I have little to no bond to him - I haven't been able to prepare for him at all, he is unnamed as all names feel like they make him into a man which feels unsafe, and I do not feel excited or positive about his arrival at all.

I was sexually abused as a young child by male adults and to my deepest shame, I re-enacted some of that abuse with my youngest brother. We were very young but we were both traumatised by what happened and it feels to have all come up again since finding out this baby is a boy.

My worries have two threads - first, that I will raise a boy to be a dangerous unsafe man, and second, that he will abuse or hurt his sister.

Whenever the topic of him being a boy comes up, everyone tells me awful things that make me panic - this week alone, three different people have told me that their boy peed in an arc into their mouth, that their toddler smeared his poo, and another that her child 'played' with his erections as a young child. The last had me fleeing the cafe to have a panic attack in my car. I am full of terror about having to provide personal care to this boy, and the thought of skin to skin or breastfeeding him is causing me huge anxiety, so much so I am constantly preoccupied with how I will be able to avoid doing it.

I also feel totally inept at how to protect my daughter and how to keep boundaries that keep her safe (which I know is quite illogical when she is the eldest by some way). I feel like I will make the wrong decision and she will be harmed. Things that worry me are like - should she ever see him have a nappy change? What if she wants to help e.g. wipes his genitals? What are the 'rules' on bathing together? Etc. I am terrified that I will get the boundaries wrong and not supervise them properly and she will then be abused.

I am receiving some support from my mental health team as I have OCD and this has become quite obsessional, but I really hoped someone else out there might be able to share some of their experiences of how they coped if circumstances were similar. I am thinking daily about how I could give him up, or leave the family so that I don't harm them all, and it is so distressing.

Please be gentle - I know gender disappointment on here often gets very negative replies but this isnt about being sad that all the clothes have dinosaurs on... I feel like I fundamentally cannot be this little boy's mother and I am terrified.

Your feelings are perfectly reasonable in the circumstances, but very very unlikely to become reality. I think you should speak to the mental health team and maybe your midwife too.

I think this is extremely complex, given your history. You really really need professional help here. Your past is so damaging and traumatic that I cannot imagine how you will deal with anything without counselling

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I think you urgently need professional help from someone equipped to handle trauma from SA and specifically sibling on sibling abuse.

It sounds like you're really struggling and it's essential for both your children's well being, as well as your own, that you work through what happened to you with someone who can help you work through your feelings.

How many weeks pregnant are you?

Completely understandable, continue with therapy - DBT and EMDR can be helpful for this and work with the mental health team. Some book recommendations below for 3+ on these issue, your awareness will help - use PANTS from the NSPCC and also name all body parts correctly from as young as possible. Be open about body confidence but also that it's private. You'll be fine and the bond takes time especially with trauma but work with the perinatal and postpartum mental health teams, be honest and let them help you.

• Don't Touch My Hair!bby Sharee Miller
• C Is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison
• Let's Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect by Jayneen Sanders
• Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Spelman
• Miles is the Boss of His Body by Samantha Kurtzman-Counter & Abbie Schiller
• I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private by Zack and Kimberly King
• What Makes a Baby by Cory Silverberg
• A Kids Book About Body Safety by Kimberly King
• No Means No! by Jayneen Sanders
• We Listen to Our Bodies by Lydia Bowers
• Bodies Are Coolby Tyler Feder
• A Kids Book About Body Image by Rebecca Alexander
• Every Body: A First Conversation About Bodies" by Megan Madison, Jessica Ralli, and Tequitia AndrewsSex Is a Funny Word" by Cory Silverberg

It's not just boys Op, my daughter was a prolific poo spreader. Yes, it was pretty grim at the time but it was short lived and just a tiny part of my being a parent.
Worse case scenario and it did happen to you, you'd be just fine because I am, quite frankly, in awe of the way you have articulated your concerns here.

Very, unfortunately - as in, I've got less than a month to work out how I can be his mother 😥

OP, you went through something very traumatic. I think you need to have therapy and let professionals support you on this journey with your son. Wishing you all the best!

Thank you - so I'm really on it with this with my daughter, her body knowledge and autonomy and expectations of consent are spot on. She knows all the correct terminology, we have a few of these books which we read regularly, and she demonstrates to me all the time that she knows her own body boundaries and is able to express herself about her needs around them. No parent could ever say they're 100% sure their child is 'abuse proof' but I am confident that I have done everything right with her and she is a completely different child compared to me at the same age.

What I can't seem to switch to is how that will be different with a boy. It shouldn't be right? All the same lessons I've taught her i'll teach him but it just feels totally different and I feel completely out of my depth with parenting a boy in this area when I've felt confident parenting a girl.

I'm worried that I won't instinctively know the 'rules' about parenting them safely, so with things like bath time - I am confident that my daughter would say if she was uncomfortable in most circumstances but then I'm bringing this man/boy/baby into her home and what if I assume it's fine for her to be in the room when I change his nappy but actually it isnt and others wouldnt allow it? Does that make sense...

I agree you need professional help. I can’t imagine the trauma you’ve been through, but I hope that when you see your son’s little face, you will fall in love with him.

Where is your partner/husband in all of this?

How old is your daughter, because that will impact on how things are done. You say she is much older so for example, that may impact bath sharing.

It’s perfectly fine for your daughter to be there when you change your son’s nappy. It’s vital that you keep it as normal as it is, and not make it into something else (eg “daughter, you need to go into another room while I change son”).

You need urgent therapy with someone experienced in trauma and CSA. I went through CSA as a young child and while I’m still living with aspects of that, being the mother of a boy (now a teenager) has never been at all problematic.

This is true and my daughter is very gross at times too 😅 and things that I never thought I'd cope with as a parent, have been fine because she's mine and you just cope don't you. I guess the feeling I'm missing is that sense that he'll be mine and it will just be natural because he's mine... when I think about e.g. doing skin to skin with him it feels like it will be with a stranger

Really supportive husband, and he's a great dad. We've talked a bit about it but he's had such a normal upbringing and my experiences are just quite outside of his understanding. So he says things like but he'll be your little boy so it will be fine, which I hope is true but can also feel a bit naive.

I have talked to him a bit about the support I might need like it might be that I don't breastfeed, or that I need him to take over nappy changes if I panic. He was really brilliant when we had my daughter as there were some triggers there with him providing her personal care and he was really supportive with working with me on how I could feel safe with him doing bath time if I wasnt there etc.

But obviously I can't rely on him to be there the whole time and I want this baby to have two parents, not a great dad and a mum that's too overwhelmed to be around him...

She's 5. I feel like she's in-betweeny with the 'rules' - if she was e.g. 12 or 2 then it would be obvious but she's early school years and things do change.

I am sorry that this happened to you. Thank you for sharing - I find that really reassuring to hear, especially as you've made it to the teenage years!

Hopefully you can see him as an exception to males being dangerous in the same way you do your husband. Your DD already lives with a man and that seems to be going ok? Some specific therapy on this sounds like a good idea.

You raise your son like you have your daughter, everything you’ve taught your daughter you teach him. He is an innocent baby and will learn from you.

Things that worry me are like - should she ever see him have a nappy change? What if she wants to help e.g. wipes his genitals? I have never once removed an older child from the room whilst changing a nappy, a young child won’t want to help for sexual reasons they want to help to be involved.

What are the 'rules' on bathing together? Etc. I am terrified that I will get the boundaries wrong and not supervise them properly and she will then be abused.
Whilst they are small there are no issues with children bathing together but to ease your mind just don’t leave them unattended at bath time (which as baby and a very young child you shouldn’t anyway). But depending on your daughter’s age she might not want to share bath time.
You seem to be trying to protect your daughter from your son, abuse can happen from either sex so just teach them both everything you already have with your daughter

thought of skin to skin or breastfeeding him is causing me huge anxiety
Could you plan to bottle feed to at least take one anxiety problem away?

You've had lots of useful responses and I just wanted to remind you that it's ok if you don't feel a rush of overwhelming love when you first see your baby. I think it's not spoken about enough that for many people it's something that builds over time, and that's fine. You have a whole other set of emotions going on so give yourself a bit of grace.

I am so sorry for what you've been through. It sounds like you're an incredible Mum to your daughter, and no doubt will be to your son too. Your trauma is effecting how your brain is viewing things, so all of your fears and concerns are valid, but that does not mean they will become your reality.

Please keep reminding yourself that your son is an innocent baby, he will not be born with any inherent badness in him. You have what sounds like a brilliant husband which is another reminder that all males aren't bad. Yourself and your husband will teach your son kindness, compassion, and pass on so many lovely qualities to him. I would keep an open mind re: skin to skin and breastfeeding, I fear avoiding these will perpetuate the notion that boy = bad, when logically we know that's not the case. You really and truly have my sympathies as I can't imagine how hard this all is for you. I hope you're getting as much professional support as possible to navigate this.

Thank you. It really helps to hear how others have managed this stuff in a practical sense - I feel like I can gauge my own reactions then.

I have thought about bottle feeding from the outset but as I breastfed my daughter for a number of years, I feel like it could exacerbate the difference. I think I will try to breastfeed and then have a low tolerance for acceptance that it isn't for me this time if it doesn't feel possible.

Helpful reminder, thank you. People keep reassuring me that as soon as I see him he'll be mine and I'll love him instantly but we know that doesn't always happen even without the other emotions going on. Will try to remember that x

Thank you for your kind words.

I feel the same about avoidance so I think I'm going to attempt to push through but maybe with some adaptations.

'Inherent badness' is the thing. I'm worried that he'll be bad unless I somehow get it all right with him, and I have no idea where to even start with that. I'm really fixated atm on crime in the news (almost always men), men I know who aren't great, and flashbacks I haven't had in years of men who hurt me. I do of course love my husband to bits but it makes me really sad to admit that I don't think I've ever allowed myself to trust him fully - he is so respectful and gentle etc but I will still always make sure I can hear them both if he is supervising bath time, for example. I know that probably makes me a really horrible person and wife.

Oh OP you don’t sound horrible at all!

You sound like a loving wife and mother who had an incredibly traumatic childhood and has done incredibly well to already have done so much work to get through that trauma into adulthood.

I agree with PP that more counselling, specifically about this issue, to hold your hand in real time as you face the new challenges to come, will be key.

But please don’t beat yourself up about your feelings, they are a logical consequence of what happened to you and not your fault.